Post # 1
my fi and i are paying for most of the wedding and are a little tight with the budget. we wanted to invite many of our friends and co-workers, so in order to do so, we decided not to invite +1’s for most of our friends. (we did +1’s for the few of our very close friends, and those we actually have met/hung out with).
ever since the invitations went out, i’ve been hearing things like "did she make a mistake and not invite my husband?" "how come my husband/wife wasn’t invited but that person’s boy/girlfriend was?" and i’ve actually had some ask me if it was ok to bring their significant others.
now i know wedding etiquette says to invite the husbands/wives, but for the sake of budget and also being able to invite more friends, i didn’t.
did i make a mistake? should i just allow them to bring their significant others? (meaning it would double the amount of tables… from 3 to 6!) what should i do? should i even care what they say?
thanks in advance for helping this frustrated bride!!! =)
Post # 3
It’s so very hard for everyone to get thier budget under control, and cutting guests is the easiest way, but I have tried to avoid inviting people without dates, just because often you are invited to a wedding where you don’t know many people besides the bride & groom, and then it’s awkward being there alone. And people may be less likely to come if they don’t have significant others with them.
But if you really cannot afford it, and you’ve already invited all of these people, you may just have to explain that you really wish you could have invited their significant others, but you just weren’t able, and that you’ll make sure to sit them next to other people they know so they will have others to socialize and have fun with.
Post # 4
- Wedding: September 2018 - The Desmond Hotel in Malvern, PA
To be honest…. I think you did make a mistake. I don’t mean to hurt your feelings, but just put yourself in their shoes…. you’re married and your husband gets an invitation to a wedding but you’re not included? If that happened to me, I can guarantee you I would be upset (and Mr. Cupcake probably wouldn’t go to the wedding out of anger that I wasn’t invited). Even if that had happened while we were still dating (but obviously serious) or engaged, we are/were a unit and we go places together.
One exception to the rule that I have heard is that it is not necessary to invite co-workers with their significant others, particularly if you don’t know/have never met their significant others and they would know plenty of other people at the wedding (other co-workers). However, I work for a small company and invited co-workers along with their significant others, because I had met them and just didn’t feel right not including their SO’s. I think if you’re going to make this rule, it needs to be an "all or nothing" kind of thing.
I understand you have budget and space constraints, but unfortunately that just means that if you can’t invite both halves of a couple, you shouldn’t invite either. Is there a way to fix the problem before it gets out of hand?
Post # 5
while i side with cupcake (sorry!), i think at this point you would probably be best served on a case by case basis. handle each guest as they come, but keep in mind what cupcake said, because a lot of people (myself included) share this mindset. for those that are dating, i think an explanation will do, but for those who are married, it might behoove you to include their spouses.
Post # 6
Yep, I agree with cupcake, too. I would probably not attend a wedding that my husband wasn’t invited to. I had a very small wedding, but still allowed plus ones for everyone. I just had to make budget cuts in other places. We didn’t do favors, programs, or a lavish cake just so people could bring their significant others.
Post # 7
I won’t beat a dead horse here. I’ll just give you another perspective. This event is your wedding, when you’ll be joined with your FI as husband and wife. But you are trying to celebrate that day by "dividing" other married couples. That’s bad kharma. I don’t think you meant it that way… Just something to think about.
Post # 8
thanks for the feedback…
well it ended up being a debate over, do i want to invite 30 of my co-workers with no +1’s, or 15 close ones with their SO’s 13 of them whom i’ve never met (we’re teachers, so it’s basically all women and i have never met the husbands- even during our holiday parties and end of the year parties, it’s always just the teachers).
and for the few +1’s i invited, those are boyfriends/husbands i’ve actually met and went out with many times, and want them to actually be there at my wedding.
i understand being upset about being invited without ur SO. but if i knew that mostly all of my co-workers were going, i would be more than happy to go without the husband. and i know for a fact that 28 out of 30 co-workers that i’ve invited are definitely coming, even though i didn’t invite their SO’s.
so with that being said, is it still a mistake? will my guests understand? or do i invite the SO anyway?
Post # 9
in my opinion you should invite the SO and try to budget somewhere else
Post # 10
If you can find the extra room in your budget by scrimping in other places (skip the favors, fancy embroidered linens, engraved invitations, etc…), then yes, I would extend an invitation to the SOs; however, please do not be guilted into going into debt just to have these people at your wedding. If my fiance/husband was invited to an (unfamiliar) co-worker’s wedding and I was not, I would not be upset or angry– I would just realize that times are tough, and not every bride has the means to invite everyone she’d want. I’d just give him a big kiss goodbye, and take the opportunity to have a night out with my girlfriends, or stay in with a good book. I can’t imagine wanting to miss the wedding of a friend, just because my husband wasn’t invited. I can socialize fine on my own without my partner, and he can do the same– we don’t only come as a matched set.
Don’t stress too much about it– yes, etiquette would dictate that the SOs be invited, but life isn’t perfect. It sounds like your coworkers are used to going it alone at work events, so I’m sure they’ll be fine. Just take it on a case-by-case basis, and explain to any invitee who asks that due to constraints, you were unfortunately unable to invite anyone that you hadn’t already met.
Post # 11
Personally, if I got an invitation with my FI, I’d be a little confused, but with the economy in the state it is and knowing the costs of planning a wedding, I would understand.
Ideally, you would be able to invite +1s and I can understand that people might be angry or hurt or their SOs weren’t invited. However, I don’t think anybody should give you a hard time. If people approach you, just explain your situation. If anyone is upset or offended, they should just graciously decline and leave it at that.
Post # 12
Smiley – I hate to agree with the other because you seem to be settled in your decision – but really I think it would be wrong to not invite all significant others. If you think someone is important to you (and wow! 30 coworkers, that’s a lot!!) then their spouse should be important to you too. I mean I guess it is still your wedding and you can do what you want and what you are comfortable with — but if my fiance was invited to a wedding, even that of a coworker, and I wasn’t invited, I would find it strange, if not offensive. Hate to be so negative. Either way – enjoy your big day!
Post # 13
Unfortunately, I have to agree that you should invite the husbands/wives. I can understand saying that you don’t want to invite dates, but a husband/wife is a lot different. Even if you haven’t met someone’s husband or wife, that person is still a very important part of the person you did invite’s life. I cannot imagine going to a wedding where my fiance was not invited…
My fiance and I are on an extremely tight budget as well. However, we decided to simply cut the number of friends we invited so that they could all bring dates if they felt so inclined. We have a "B" list of guests to fill slots based on the number of guests who will not be bringing guests.
Yes, it is YOUR wedding, but at the same time be mindful of other people’s feelings. They are your friends and you want them to have a good time at the wedding! you don’t want them there worrying the whole time that they have made their spouse angry or feeling slighted, especially if you have invited other spouses.
Post # 14
Keep in mind that even if you invited your coworker’s significant others, it doesn’t mean they will all come, this may be especially true if at holiday work parties they didn’t come.
Post # 15
Gosh, if you’re close to these gals, could you ask a few of them how they feel? I still think you should invite SO’s. But if they don’t care, then there isn’t really a problem. Just be sure not to do it to anyone else (family, other friends.) If there is an exception (which FTR, I don’t think there should be) it would be in the gray area of coworkers.
Post # 16
If my husband wasn’t invited to a wedding, even if a had a gaggle of girlfriends there, I wouldn’t go. It just seems strange that you’re asking me to support your marriage if you’re basically not supporting mine.