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I am freaking out. We've had our ups and downs, breakups, makeups. Now it's like we're roommates, the passion is simply not there, I love him but I'm not in love with him anymore. I've told him this because we have an honest relationship and he has been crushed ever since. He was never my type to begin with. Introvert, anti social, looks physically like a man boy, (not masculine type) acts like a boy and thinks like one at times. He doesn't have friends, doesn't like to go out but will if forced. I've always dated the outgoing type but no one has loved me so unconditionally like he has. I'm no longer sexually attracted to him I constantly fantasize about other men but never go through with it. When we broke up for a few weeks before, I tried to put myself out there for a short period of time by going on match.com dates which sent me running right back to Z. I forgot all about the losers in the world and how hard it is to find a decent guy.
I was a nympho before I met him. I dont know if it's cuz I put on weight or that I simply am not interested in him that makes my sex drive die. I think partly it's because he's disappointed me a few times in our relationship. There were incidents where we got into a car accident and I was badly injured he was literally stunned and retarded, he didn't know what to do but stand there and ask me if I was ok. HELLO FUCKTARD I'm fucking bleeding all over the place. He doesn't have the maturity of a man and that's always been annoying to me. Can I marry this guy? How do I break the news to family? It's so shameful. What if I can't do any better than him? I'll be single till I'm 40?
He's such a great guy in other ways I don't want to break his heart again by bringing this up unless I'm SURE. Every time I tell him that I don't think we're a good fit or that I don't like this about him he gets super girly and sensitive and never fully recovers so it's hard to talk to him about anything. He never lets anything go.
What should I do?
We have vested too much: bought a house, adopted a dog, and announced to everyone we're engaged.
I am simply too disappointed and unhappy to go through with it. HELP! I am a mess.
I don't want to marry into a sexless and passionless marriage
I have no one to talk to. My mom will probably tell me to suck it up and marry him because everyone loves him.
*if he was a bad guy, an abusive guy or a loser it would make my decision to leave so much easier, he's such a nice guy and ag reat guy but I need more.
HELP!! has anyone felt this way? did you go through with it? how did it work out? can we make this work?
my therapist(just started yesterday) said I was trying to force the puzzle piece to fit. we're just not a good fit it seems.
another incident during a huge snowstorm we had a huge blowout, I walked out and disappeared toa hotel for 3 days he never once called, text to find out where I was, if I was ok. The thing is he didn't worry. When I asked him why didn't he show any concern, what if I got stuck in the snow, or abducted/raped, he said that I was walking out on my will, that I was ag rown woman. During those 3 days he didn't call my parents or bff to find out where I was or to look for me. He instead spent those 3 days on Farmville. Yes he had time to get on facebook and plant/harvest his crops. WHAT KIND OF MAN IS THAT??? He's so freakin weird. he doesnt' act like a normal human being sometimes. Who does that? If your gf walked out and disappeared for 3 days and th cops show up and ask you where is she, and you say I don't know. YOU WOULD BE A HUGE SUSPECT. I told him all signs point to you even though you may not have killed me. you would be framed by yourself as my killer if that day were to happen just because of your lack of concern . he's that weird.
these incidents have traumatized me where I question his ability as a partner, husband and a man. He never once begged for me back. I just went back cuz he said he missed me. I'm the loser here. I wish I never went back, cuz now it's been 4 years and it's harder to leave. I dont want to hurt him but I'm not sure if tbreaking up is the right thing to do.
I don't think you should get married. Some of the things you have said here are so mean, I'm not sure why you ever got engaged in the first place. You should break it off - he deserves that much.
I think you should walk away. You are clearly not ready to spend your life with this man, and while it will hurt him in the short run, it's the only fair thing to do for him. You don't even seem to like him.
You can't force yourself to love someone because you think they'd be good for you.
If you don't love him, don't marry him. It's not fair to either of you. He deserves to be with someone that loves him, not someone stringing him along because they're afraid they can't do better. You deserve to be with someone that makes you happy and satisfies your needs.
It sounds like he's not what you need or want. I wouldn't drag things out any longer. Call off the engagement. It's the hard, but brave thing to do. You will find true happiness when you're with the right person. Don't let anyone pressure you into a marriage you know in your gut is not right.
Wow. Please don't marry him. He doesn't deserve that. A lot of what you said is very mean and hurtful.
Just leave so you can both find ppl that actually love you.
Honestly, it sounds like you have already made up your mind. I think writing a page essentially bashing the man you agreed to spend the rest of your life with is a pretty telling sign.
I have to say though, I find the whole part about him being framed for your murder both insanely dramatic and somewhat distrubing. I wouldn't have called either if you walked out and didn't call for three days. Why is he the bad guy for not calling when you didn't call him either? It is just as immature to leave a fight (in a snowstorm, nonetheless). If you love someone and care about them you face your problems, not run away from them.
I am in no way trying to bash you. I just feel bad for this poor guy who, by your own words, is nothing but a stand up guy. He isn't your physical type and has attributes that you do not find attractive so you bash him completely on WB? It sounds like you would be doing both of you a favor to just end it now. Why would you even consider marrying him under false pretenses?
I feel so bad for your fiance. He deserves someone to love him unconditionally
Seems like you want a typical 'alpha male', and your guy doesn't fit that.
Also, I think it's pretty messed up that you got mad that he was stunned and disoriented after a car accident and asking if you were okay. What exactly did you expect him to do?
As usual, I think Elvis hit the nail on the head. You both deserve to be with someone that you adore. Right now you're on this site bashing him because you're feeling frustrated and trapped, not because you're mean. This obviously isn't the right guy for you, and you're obviously not the right gal for him.
Please end it.
Ditto and if it takes waiting till your 40 to find the right guy, so be it.
@coldfeet81: But what kind of woman walks out without saying where she's going. You're just as guilty, if not moreso, of childish behavior in this instance.
You should leave because no one can truly build a life with someone they don't respect. As for the sexless part - check out Savage Love to see what happens when partners want sex but a marriage is sexless. Save yourself both some heartache and leave now.
I wouldn't plan a wedding now. It's good that you are seeing a therapist to put this into perspective for you. If he sounds so opposite to you, I'm curious to know how did you have a relationship that lead to engagement?
"If you don't love him, don't marry him. It's not fair to either of you. He deserves to be with someone that loves him, not someone stringing him along because they're afraid they can't do better. You deserve to be with someone that makes you happy and satisfies your needs."
What she said!!
@coldfeet81: "There were incidents where we got into a car accident and I was badly injured he was literally stunned and retarded, he didn't know what to do but stand there and ask me if I was ok. HELLO FUCKTARD I'm fucking bleeding all over the place. He doesn't have the maturity of a man and that's always been annoying to me. Can I marry this guy?"
The paragraph above is a HUGE red flag. If you feel this way, you cannot marry him. You should not be together. Please break it off before you get married and before anything else happens. If he responds that way to a car crash (and it's not the way YOU had hoped he would respond); think about what will happen when you are in labor, if there is another accident, if there is a fire, etc. He is certainly not going to respond in a way that you deem appropriate.
Do not continue to stay with someone just because they have some good qualities. If you are not sexually or emotionally attracted or attached to someone you should not expect to fall in love with them.
@RahlyRah: Couldn't have said it better!!
Please break it off. You can't force yourself to love someone, and it isn't fair for him to go ahead and marry someone who basically cringes at his touch. I'm just trying to put myself in his shoes. If the roles were reversed, and my husband had written something like this about me before the wedding...well, needless to say I'd be more than devastated. :(
Nevermind. I don't think I can say what I'm trying to say nicely.
It doesn't sound like you will be any more happy once your married. If anything it will probably stress you out more. Don't worry about pleasing anyone else by staying with him. It is your life and it's not fair to you or him to have the feelings you have toward him. I don't think this makes you a bad person, It just sounds like you guys have no true chemistry. I know what your going through can't be easy but you have the chance to change your life and in the future be in a passionate, loving , happy relationship. I've dated a few guys where this was the situation...super sweet/nice guys that liked me a lot more than I liked them and it didn't last long because I wasn't going to pretend something was there when it wasn't. I wish you luck and hope you come to a decision you can be at peace with.
End it now, yeah it may hurt him but in the long run it'll be better for the both of you. The last thing ud want is to see yourselfs down the line totally unhappy with kids, get divorced and so on. Spare yourselves the heart ache and stress now if you dont love him for who he is then its best to part ways, starting a marriage with so much resentment is not healthy. Just dont go back to him again, if you do break up because you can't find Mr Right straight away, it's ok to be alone for a while.
There are worse things than being single, even forever. One of them is most definitely being in a bad marriage. Respect should be huge. If you do not respect him, then absolutely do not marry him.
I don't think you should marry him... It doesn't even sound like you like him. :-/
I can't think of a nicer way to say this...if you talk to him the way you wrote this post, he is a victim of verbal and emotional abuse. Therapy for both of you would be a great idea.
don't settle - there are tons of good guys out there, one that will fit your needs better. if you feel this way now you will feel worse later and begin to resent the relationship you are in. It will be painful and difficult but it would be 100 times harder the longer you wait. Give yourself the opportunity to find that special someone, someone who will not make you second guess your relationship. Good Luck! I know its not an easy situation.
another thing: soooo many people stay in relationships because they are scared to be alone - but if you arent alone you wont have the opportunity to meet the right person...
I was dating a guy for 3 years when he broke up with me, i saw i coming but none the less i was devestated - looking back i couldnt be more thankful and happy that he had the nerve to end it because i met my husband less than a month later and had i held on like i wanted who knows what would have happened...i might not be happily married.
when did you start feeling this way? After the house, the dog, the engagement? Marriage does not fix things, its a step and a commitment two people take together. I'm sorry but I can't even believe the things you said about him, OBVIOUSLY you should not marry him. If you talk to him the way you wrote about him, no wonder he is insecure. Like PP said it would be verbal abuse. Why don't you stop complaining about the fact he's not the kind of man you want - hello, if he's not the man you want LEAVE, it's really not that complicated.
HOnestly, I am pretty upset about the way you are taking about your FI.
YOu need to leave asap. Your attitude toward him is honestly AWFUL. It seems like you hate this man. like he is replusive to you. please dont tell him any of the things you said above. they are hurtful and rude and there is no need to tell him this. just tell him that do you love him and cannot marry him. you need to leave a find you a "manly man" like it seems you want.
Although I am frustrated with your attitude, I wish you the best of luck and I hope you find what you are looking for. I also hope that your FI finds a woman that appreciates and loves him for him.
I'm sorry you are so frustrated, but I think the fact that you wrote not one but two posts stating everything you dislike about your FI is a tell-tale sign. And I agree with @mandypop, your words were more than a little harsh and you both would really benefit from some therapy and I am happy you've taken that step.
Please do yourself and him a favor and get out now. Be strong and know that it is ultimately the best decision, if a hard one. Better now than in a year when you find yourself regretful and even more upset. Best of luck to you. You will find the right man.
Wow, I'm really disappointed in how much everyone is bashing the OP. Obviously, she does love him on some level otherwise she wouldn't be trying to make it work. She's obviously very frustrated because she can't feel that way.
I'm considering leaving my fiancé for similar reasons. Because it's hard to be with someone who doesn't satisfy all of your needs, but satisfies a number of them and is a genuinely nice guy. It's hard when you want someone to take care of you, and the guy you're with doesn't. It's hard to not feel cared for when you leave. It's hard when you feel like the guy you want to marry really couldn't care that much about marrying or being with you.
Maybe I'm more sympathetic because I can relate on some level, but it's definitely not an easy place to be in. I think that you should be allowed to talk about how your fiancé doesn't satisfy your needs and talk about specific situations in which he didn't without being told you're "bashing" him. She's hurt and she needs advice. They both deserve to be with people who are more suited for them, but I don't think anyone deserves to be told that they are awful people and don't "deserve someone as nice as her fiancé."
Unfortunately, it sounds like you are too weak to leave him because he is familiar to you and loves you, even though his familiarity is nothing that you appreciate and his love not satisfying. Isn't it more disappointing that you are preventing the two of you from being apart, even though you have confessed to not being in love with him or finding him appealing physically or emotionally? You are stunting your ability to actually find a man you might be happy with. You have said that he never asks for you back, but that you just make the decision to return because he misses you. Breakups are tough...always. It doesn't matter if you knew the guy for four months or four years. It is never a pleasant thought to hurt someone you care for. You will miss eachother because there are ties there and memories and feelings. It sounds to me, though, that every day passing brings you upset and guilt. It is obvious you do not want to hurt him, but I guarantee you that he is either simply counting down the days that you leave for good or the next time you walk out on him temporarily only to return and retrace the repetative circle you are trapping yourself in. Nothing will change for you without you changing it. You are looking for someone else. It is as simple as that. This man does not properly know how to love you or satisfy you the way you desire to be loved and satisfied. He is simply not that person. You can't blame him or expect him to one day transform into the complete opposite of who he is (which is what you seem to want) and you can't expect him to be numb when you finally let him know that he cannot give you what you need. He will likely be hurt, but he will not be surprised. I'm sure he is remotely intuitive and has seen this coming or has been dreading the lifetime of disappointing conversations that lead to his wife being unhappy with the man that he is. Whether you cheat or not, you are not being faithful to him in fantasy and there is no sense in hindering your ability to actually meet a man that lives up to your expectations. This is your life and instead of complaining every day, you would benefit more (no matter how difficult) to make the change and move on. Sure, there are assholes out there and the winners have often already been snatched up by some deserving bride, but there are good apples in the mix. You just have to be patient, flexible and not put a timeline on when you might cross paths. Just be honest with yourself and with him because you both are the only ones who have the ability to make a change to end what sounded like a potentially innocent friendship, but a thoroughly disappointing partnership. Best of luck and hope you update us with what you choose to do!
@glittermoon: I understand what you are saying, but announcing to everyone that he is a FUCKTARD, a female who gets his period, a man child, and an immature boy, is in fact bashing him. She says he has always annoyed her, "what kind of person is that?" and that's hes freaking weird, among other things, and that she doesnt even try anymore in bed. I don't think the OP is trying to make it work.
People are entitled to talk about their feelings and being less than satisfied with their partner. Name calling and the other hurtful things said by OP are very different.
I know a lot of the mean things you said about your FI were out of frustration, so I'm not going to bash you for that. I actually can kind of relate because I was already starting to feel that way about my college BF a few months before we broke up. He was a great guy but just wasn't ever my type. And I think we both went kind of crazy trying to make each other into something we both weren't. Like you I needed a strong alpha male and my ex was extremely insecure about himself which was a big turnoff to me. Meanwhile, he needed a quiet, stay at home type of GF/wife and I like to speak my mind and go wild every once in a while.
Anyway, I can't think of any other solution besides calling it off and breaking up. I think you're creating your own hell by marrying him because you clearly hate him. It will be messy but I think you'll be surprised about the lack of pain. If you don't love him it will be more annoying/time consuming to break it off than anything else.
...In response to harsh words out of frustration and disappointment, I too have been called out by bees and can relate to the OP. Not everyones' thoughts are candy coated or sweet as pie and some of us are more frank or candid, bordering "rude" than others. Amid firey outbursts that were clearly driven by emotions tied to memories, she does compliment his genuinity. I'm sure she wouldn't speak this way to his face, but is explaining her thoughts and one might assume the circumstances have her angry that she has to make such a difficult decision because her boyfriend cannot be the man she wants and that she cannot love him for the man he is. My sympathies and sincere empathetic ear is yours if you need it.
I guess I just have to ask: if you knew he felt similarly about you (i.e. that you're not sexually attractive, that you don't turn him on, that you're not the type of girl he would ever go out with, that you're immature, that he doesn't even really like you), would you still want him to marry you? For me, I know the answer would be a resounding "No." If it's the same answer for you, then I think you owe it to your FI to break things off. He probably doesn't want to spend the rest of his life with someone who thinks so little of him.
there's a difference between venting frustration and verbal abuse.
end of story.
For some reason, when verbal abuse happens from a woman to a man, our culture tends to be more tolerant of it. I'm sure that if a girl posted here saying her fiance spoke to her that way, people would FREAK and not be empathizing with him.
Why don't you push off the wedding date and separate for awhile?
As difficult as it would be to call of the engagement and break up, it would be a MILLION times harder (not to mention costly) to break up either right before the wedding or after you're married.
If you feel this way now, what are you going to do when it's a week before your wedding? You're already driving yourself crazy with his behavior and it doesn't sound like it's going to change any time soon (and it sounds like you know that).
Sometimes the right things to do are also the hardest.
@mandypop: THIS!!
I definitely think OP is crossing a fine line between just venting and being downright hurtful. I've seen plenty of posters get flack for saying hurtful things about their SO, and this shouldn't be any different. Simply saying that you're not physically attracted to him and that he isn't the man you imagine yourself marrying would have gotten the point across without hurting feelings. I'm sure he would be devastated if he saw what she wrote
To the OP: Honestly, life is too short to spend your time with someone you obviously don't like. Stop wasting your time and his time - break it off!
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