Not living together before marriage

posted 2 years ago in The Lounge
Post # 2
Member
4035 posts
Honey bee

Kld37:  We lived togther for 4 years before marriage, just wanted to add that I wasn’t pushy or pressuring him to propose just because we lived together. We took our time and developed our relationship.

I think being pushy or pressuring is more of a personality trait rather than a living situation factor.

For us, it was a smooth transitition and we continued to live our lives and grow our relationship like normal. We have been together for 11 years now (married for 1 year) and are quite happy.

 

Post # 3
Member
237 posts
Helper bee

We are waiting until the wedding to move in together as well. For me personally, I don’t give boyfriend husband privledges.  We were already in agreement with this arrangment anyways because we share the same active faith. 

My family were against us waiting but I believe this way for me personally shows me that my man is willing to step up and fill the space I create for him rather than doing all the work.

Post # 4
Member
1040 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

Yes we waited. I’ve been married for about 5 months now & I couldn’t be happier. Yes, we did have to adjust to sleeping together.. (I take over the bed and leave him with little room lol)

I’ve had such a smooth transition too. I guess it just depends on the two people!

Post # 5
Member
6335 posts
Bee Keeper

FI moved in a few months after our getting engaged. It was a pretty seamless transition for us too. He was already spending most of his time at my place and participated in household chores. And it helps that he’s just a lovable guy. We were both opposed to moving in before getting engaged, but after that was ok. I suppose sometimes there are things that need to be worked out, but sometimes people are just very compatible.

Post # 6
Member
3335 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2014

I think it’s more about the people and less about the living situation. Some people are just more accomodating of others and more tolerant of others being in their space, and will have no problem living with someone whether they wait or not. Others are very independent and can’t deal with changing their routines and having someone else in their space most of the time, for these types of people, it’s probably a better idea to try out living together before getting married imo. I live with my FI now, we moved in together before getting engaged. I feel like I would have been more pressuring for a proposal if he refused to live with me prior to being engaged. I would have wanted to rush it more. We also had a very smooth transition, so I don’t really think the outcome would have been any different if we chose to wait.

Post # 7
Member
706 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

We moved in together after the wedding. It’s been 4.5 months and things are great!!

Post # 8
Member
2394 posts
Buzzing bee

Kld37:  I so agree with everything you wrote, your post is like a page from my diary.

DH and I dated for exactly two years before getting married. We did not live together until we got married.

We had no problems learning how to be under a roof together. We had a wonderful, romantic, traditional honeymoon period of being legally married newlyweds. I loved it because that was just what I had always pictured and wanted. In my mind, and in my relationship, it wouldn’t have been as exciting or romantic if we were just living together. I wanted the ring and the Mrs. in front of my name, the old fashioned way. 

My feeling was always that we didn’t need to do a test run to see how things would work out — because if we ever ran into any problems, we would simply work it out or get counseling or whatever. 

I think too it worked out well for us because we are very compatible in our communication styles. We don’t jump to conclusions or use verbally abusive, name-calling language towards each other. We don’t yell. If we have a difference of opinion about something, we give each other the benefit of the doubt and talk it over and work it out

We’re coming up on our third wedding anniversary — five years together as a couple — and we’ve never had a knock down, drag out fight about anything. 

The other reason I didn’t want to live together first is because I know myself and my insecurities well. And if we had lived together first, I would have driven myself and him crazy with anxiety about when the proposal was coming. By maintaining my own apartment and having that boundary between us, I felt like I maintained my power, if you will. Even on a week to week basis, we both worked hard to keep the romance going. 

They say absence makes the heart grow fonder — in my relationship, that was true. Because of his busy work schedule, we didn’t get together much during the week, but every Saturday, it was fireworks! I have a lot of happy memories of those times!

Post # 9
Member
864 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

We didn’t live together until after our wedding either, which was 4.5 years after we met. I wouldn’t have it any other way. We did have a period of adjustment where we had little arguments here and there but we are way past it. We really appreciated that everything still felt new and fresh to us. I hate when people say you don’t really know each other if you don’t live together first- I love him more now than ever. I’m so glad I didn’t listen to everyone else.

Post # 10
Member
1437 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2014

Kld37:  I moved in with FI about 2 months before we got engaged (it will be a year & 2 months before our wedding). It was also seamless. Really no adjustment period – it felt natural and as if it was meant to be.

Some people take a little more time to adjust to living together, while others have an easier time. Whether that comes before or after marriage, I think, doesn’t make much of a difference. The appeal of moving in together before marriage lies in determining how seamless that adjustment will be prior to making a lifelong commitment to one another.

Post # 11
Member
248 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

Kld37:  We waited till we got married to move in. It’s been 5 months and it’s been super smooth with everything… except for fitting all my stuff into the townhome with his stuff. Ha! I’m a musician and love crafts so I have quite a bit of stuff – including a piano my folks want to give us when we have the space. That is definitely still at their house. We did some DIY closet solutions and are having a good time trying to organize everything. 🙂

Post # 12
Member
1053 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

I felt the exact same as you. We dated for 6 years before getting married and moving in together.  I was prepared for the worst. It was a year in September and it was actually very easy!  I think it was worth the wait bc it made getting married and really starting our home together that much more exciting. 

Post # 13
Member
306 posts
Helper bee

Kld37:  I understand where you’re coming from but I also think its slightly silly to think that moving in before/after marriage has any real bearing on the happiness or success of your relationship. You guys had a strong relationship with the intent to be moving towards marriage – the whole “why buy the cow” thing is complete BS – a guy who loves you will still want to marry you! My FI and I moved in together right out of high school and have supported each other through our first degrees (Honours BA/BSC degrees) all while happily living together and managing our finances/house TOGETHER! We are happily engaged to be married in a short seven months. Living together beforehand has not affected – positively or negatively – our intent to be married. It’s sort of a non-issue in my opinion. 

Post # 14
Member
1302 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

we moved in right after we got engaged and nothing really has changed. it’s been smooth sailing and i’m very very very happy with that 😀 

Post # 15
Member
10838 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2009

Kld37: We waited until after we were married to live together. For us, it was anything BUT a smooth transition. However, I still do not at all regret our decision to wait. It was based on our faith (as well as many practical considerations.)

P.S. If you are interested in reading it, I have a much longer answer to this question, found here: http://boards.weddingbee.com/topic/did-you-live-together-before-marriage/page/7

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