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So my fiance has always been against living together before we were married (or even engaged) though I bugged him about it for awhile because I knew I wanted to marry him for the last 2 years we've been dating (we've been dating for nearly 5 years now) and we live an hour apart and because of his work we see each other only ever other weekend. Anyway, it's been tough on our relationship being apart besides the time we were in college so I thought it would be nice to move in together after I graduated (he's a year older). He believed it would take a lot of fun out of getting married, since that's a major part of it- I understand his point... Some people have just been telling me that it's not a good idea to marry someone you've never lived with- Clearly it doesn't matter what they say now since we're engaged and still not going to live together until we're married but I feel like because I know his habits and how clean he is etc. there will be THAT many surprises.... Did you live with your SO before you were married? If so, would you go back and change it if you could? I'm just curious :)
I am very happy that we are living together, but I think both ways can work out just fine. I can't imagine marrying someone I hadn't lived with but that's me. Like you said, there will be surprises, but they won't all be bad. I think what most people learn about each other (and fight about) when they live together is cleanliness and distribution of chores. Take a look at how these issues are handled when you are together, and maybe sit down and talk to him about how these things will be handled. In addition to the finances of course.
I will give you the same advice I gave my younger sister. While I do wish that in some respects of my life I had done things a bit more traditionally, I have learned a lot of lessons from doing things differently than my parents would have liked. I do not regret moving in with my fiance.
I moved with him before we were engaged and it was a huge learning experience. There are lots of little things you don't think about, sure - I had no idea he liked to leave the door open to the bathroom. But, there are bigger things when it comes to living with someone that could be a huge concern for newlyweds - I also didn't know that after he comes home from work he likes to lock himself in the study and finish up the day before doin anything else, which has been a big cause for fights and concern for various reasons. I also didn't know he never had any experience tracking a checking account.
I don't think that living together is a MUST, but I do think that if you do not spend any time living together before the marriage, it would stink to look back on it (like I did with my first husband) and say "If only I would have known that he didn't go to bed until 2am everynight because he liked to stay up and drink...."
I am extremely happy that we are living together. It works for the both of us. I don't think I would ever want it the other way around. I need to fully know the person that I'm marrying and I learn things about him every day.
I won't live with my SO until after we're married, but not because either of us is opposed to it, circumstances just prohibit it. We would actually prefer to live together. We met in law school and lived in the same city for the first year we were together. Then I got an amazing job 2 hours away while he finishes school. I moved to the city where my job is, and we just see each other every weekend now. He has a year and a half left of school, and I have a year and a half left of my job (it's a 2-year position). After that, we'll be relocating somewhere together, but since I would like to get married August 2013, and that's the earliest we can move in together, then we won't live together until we're married. Also, all of this is assuming he proposes this year, which I believe we will, but we'll see. :)
FI and I will have lived together for 2 years in June and we just got engaged in December. I am VERY glad we lived together before getting married. The majority of our arguments are over things that happen around our house (he's a slob hehe) and I'm glad I know ahead of time how he is rather than after getting married and thinking "oh no, what did I get myself into?"
DH and I moved in together 3 months before the wedding (we were engaged at the time) and I wouldn't change it. It was really nice to be already settled in together so that once we got back from the honeymoon, we could just right in to married life.
That said, I don't think we would have moved in together if we'd already lived in the same city. We both relocated 3 months before the wedding to a new city where we didn't know anyone so it didn't make sense (logically or financially) for us to get 2 separate places for 3 months.
I once read that statistically speaking, people who don't live together before marriage have a lower divorce rate than those who do. I divorced my first husband, we lived together before marriage/engagement. Now I'm engaged again and we lived together beforehand too, but I think it depends on each person. It was a huge change for us because I moved 9 hours to live WITH FH (and I brought a child into this, my now 3 year old...who was 1 at the time) so as PP said...we learned a lot about how we handled things separately and together and a lot of changes/compromises were made. And of course...the blessed finances lol :) But I don't think one way is necessarily better than the other--all depend on the people involved :)
My husband & I moved in together 9 months before our wedding. We was already engaged but had not set a date yet for our wedding. We was tired of waiting until we could afford the wedding so we got our own apartment & I don't regret it one bit!
I left for grad school in the UK for a year a few months after DH and I got engaged, When I came home, we moved in together immediately (wedding was still a year and five months away at that point) because it made sense for both of us financially and because frankly we couldn't stand spending another minute apart!
I don't regret it one bit. Getting used to living together was pretty easy for us, I don't think it would have been anything more special if we had waited until we were married. Heck, DH spent so much time over at my apartment before I moved away that we were practically living together then.
We are waiting until after we are married to live together, we didnt plan it that way... it just happened, but we have been togther for almost 6 years, but we are fairly young so we were not in any rush! But, as much as it doesn't make sense to me studies show that people who do not cohabitate before marriage have lower divorce rates (I have a BA in Psychology and I am getting a Masters in marriage family therapy). to be clear I am by no means saying that the majority of the world that lives togther before marriage will not have as good of a marriage, I really beleive the success of a marriage is in the effort put in but, the studies dont lie lol!! I am glad we are not moving in until we are married... it is gonna make it fun, but I do not believe we will have a better marriage simply because we waited to move in togther lol So long story short you guys will be fine if you have been together for 5 years I am sure you are will to deal with all the surprises that will come along with living together, just remember to always COMMUNICATE well!
I have two small children, so I was adament that we not live together before we are married. I think it is too confusing for the kids and, as they get older, sends the wrong message.
That being said, now that we are engaged and the wedding is less than six months away, we have been discussing him beginning the moving process. Moving in will require him to get a new job, so we have decided that he will start applying now and move when he gets a job or after the wedding, whichever comes first. In this economy, we think it would be short-sighted for him to delay the job search until summer.
That being said, I secretly hope that it all works out perfectly (e.g. he gets a new job in June and starts right after the wedding). ;)
DH and I didn't live together or have sleep overs before we were married and I'm glad we did it that way. DS did have occassional "guys night" sleep overs with DH and his roomate & I would get ready for functions over there and such, but we really kept that part of our relationship for after the I Do's.
We've been married for 9 months, almost 10, and the transition was great! We haven't had any real "surprises" or anything like that and I'd imagine with how long your relationship has been you wouldn't either.... I'm sure you both already kinda know each others tendencies about things & so you wouldn't be blind-sided or anything like that.
I think it's awesome that your FI is the one that really wanted to wait on that part b/c it just isn't the norm anymore.
My final thought about it all is: It really doesn't matter how compatible you both are, how long you've lived together OR haven't lived together, making things work in harmony is ALL a choice b/c you could be the most compatible couple in the world and you'll STILL have days where for no reason at all you just don't like them that much.... then you get to just decide to love (action word) them anyways. lol
FI and I moved in together before we were engaged and I wouldn't change it at all. It's the perfect situation for us.
After 3 years together I suggested that maybe we consider moving in together. Months later I got a ring instead. LOL! I made it very clear I was not asking for a proposal but it was his decision. He wanted to be a little traditional; so now we will wait until a couple of months before the wedding to move in together. After some thought and staring at the beauty on my finger I think he made the right decision. 
We aren't, and haven't yet, but we're not getting married yet for another year so there's still the possibility that we'll move in together. If it happens it'll be this coming fall.
Thank you for all the responses!! I know my FH is pretty clean for a guy, I do spend as much time with him as possible and since I have a flexible job right now (nanny/subbing > should be a teacher but that whole education thing in NJ is screwy right now lol ) when I do go down there for weekends I sometimes stay an extra day or two- he just moved out of his parents this year and shares a house with a roommate... While his bed is never made, his bathroom is always cleaned (at least for when I visit and I love him all the more for it lol ) and the dishes are done- I am very type A and he is definitely not at all, but he's come so far since he's left "the nest" where his mom still did his laundry lol I know I'll be in charge of making the bed indefinitely, that's a lost cause- he knows I can't wash my face without getting water all over the floor for some reason & that my night time routine is lengthy to put it mildly- The money thing probably might be hard at first because I'm used to buying what I want when I want it (nothing crazy expensive or anything- just things at TJ Maxx and Marshalls, they are my weakness) and he is very conservative with his $. I'm sure we'll learn a lot of new annoying habits and some endearing ones too... Just wanted to see other people's experiences... i know it's not exactly common to not live together before marriage anymore
Mr C is from Canada, I'm from the US, so legally it's complicated to file all the paperwork so I can live with him. We're planning to hopefully move in together a couple weeks before the wedding. But it's more convenience to move then rather than after. I'm not a fan of living together without being married, so I refuse to move in any sooner than that.
Yea I knew the majority would be living together pre wedding and not engaged haha. I honestly don't know if I could do it without living with him. It's funny thought because when I think back to when we didn't live together...I would've totally married him without knowing his nasty habits and quirks lol. The things love does to ya!
We didn't technically live together but when we were in the same city for about a year he spent pretty much every night at my apartment. I moved away for grad school and I am moving home in April after graduation to save money before the wedding so we can afford to buy a house! If it were up to me and we had enough money saved, we would definitely be living together before the wedding!
I honestly think it depends on the couple. Everyone tells me that I 'can't know' my OH properly because we don't live together, yet when I ask them to elaborate, and explain what it was they 'learned' about their OH after moving in with them, they don't say anything we don't already know. We might not live together, but we have been together 6 years, and on average, have spent at least 5 nights a week together throughout that 6 years. We have also been on holiday several times, so experienced being together in our own space, without family around. But yeah, there is nothing I don't know about him, and I cannot envisage anything being a surprise.
I know that he has no clue about shopping, and that the weekly shop will be left to me; as will cooking (he can barely manage pasta lol). I know that he likes to play computer games which drives me mad at times, but that we'll have to compromise just as we do already; I know that we like different TV shows, and that again, we'll have to compromise (as we do already); I know he leaves the toilet seat up which drives me mad; he doesn't understand while I feel the need to barge in and have a wee while he's brushing his teeth; he knows to leave the window open if he srays deodorant because I can't breathe when he does it; I know that he's good at saving, but not great with practical things like bills and insurance, and that I'll be responsible for that side of things; we've discussed how we wil manage our finances (joint account for essential outgoings; then separate accounts to do with as we choose); I hate ironing, he doesn't mind it; he likes to tidy up straight after dinner, I like to 'let my food settle' first; we ideally need space for a super-king bed, because he takes up WAY too much room; he has weird things about some foods (I have to cut onions up real small and hide them lol); I could go on, and on, and on. We know each others little weird habits, that don't really matter, but which some people get annoyed over; we're also aware of the bigger things, and know how we'll handle them (I don't mind handling the finances for instance, I'm good at it and already sort out his car insurance and so on).
No-one has, as yet, given me any examples of something they 'learnt' about their partner after living with them that I don't already know. But, like I said, we have been together a long time, and although we don't technically live together in that we have our own place, and pay bills, we do spend a lot of time together in a similar situation. If anything, I think living together will make things a lot easier; because we're confined to one room, we have had to be able to compromise a lot on little things, and it can be tough not having your own space.
So I don't think living together first is necessary. But I think it depends on the situation. If I was in your situation, I think I might like to live with him first, or at least send more time together, as I think that spending just weekends together is different to being together 5/6/7 nights a week, every week.
FI & I bought our first home together 2 years into our relationship knowing that eventually we would become engaged and get married; and surely, we did. After 1.5 years of home ownership and common law life, he proposed.
I am so glad we moved in together before getting engaged even though he says "a house together is a commitment" which I do agree. But we just really got to know each other on a deeper level - I thought we had known everything before, but living together changes things; for us, it made us closer. I have a close friend however who moved in with her bf after 5 years of being together. She was against it without the engagement but compromised when he told her he would propose within the first year of living together. Well it's been less than 4 months and they have split up and she is moving out. They learned they couldn't live with one another. So I think it depends on the couple as everyone is different. But as for my personal experience, I am very happy with all of our decisions. All I can hope is that "being married" will continue to evolve our relationship for the better 
@xokaleneox: I get you on the whole education thing going on in NJ right now! My FI is a teacher, and he's been in 4 schools in 5 years (two of those were HS and MS and right next door to each other)... and I'm still trying to figure out if I want to go into it. It's a damn shame. I always grew up thinking teachers were almost as important as doctors! They teach the future of America for goodness sakes!
anyway, onto the topic...
We lived together before we got engaged, and I'm glad we did as we now live 2.5 hours away from where we lived originally. He got laid off due to school budget cuts, and asked if I would move with him an hour and a half away so he could cover a maternity leave- I loved him and honestly had nothing holding me to where we lived, so I went. We had aldready been together a year at this point, and it was a serious relationship and we both knew where it was heading. And last year, he got a job another 45 minutes away from there (in the town he grew up in!) that is a tenure track/full time and not NEARLY as replaceable as the first job he had...
DH didn't move in until we got married. He had already moved all of his stuff in though (just didn't live there), so after the wedding, it was painless coming home and starting married life.
I don't regret moving in before the ring because we have learned a lot about eachother. However, I was of the midset that I wouldn't live with someone unless i was engaged. I didn't follow this and I became very paranoid that he wasn't going to propose. Obviously he did but I really got into my own head about it.
My SO and I will not live together before marriage, for both religious and practical reasons. We've also been together nearly 5 years and aren't even engaged yet, so by the time we get married I don't expect too many major surprises with each other's lifestyles. I don't think you have to live together first to know that you are compatible. If anything, statistics usually correlate cohabitation with higher divorce rates. Part of marriage is learning to compromise and be flexible. And think of how exciting it will be once your wedding is over to know that you still have the process of starting to live with eachother to look forward to!
He believed it would take a lot of fun out of getting married, since that's a major part of it...
I think that's a really bad reason to not live together first. practically the only excuse I can understand is if your religion strictly forbids it and you want to comply with that.
I just think it is such an insanely bad idea to not live together first. it is the trial run that helps you understand if you two truly are compatible. for some people, the relationship does not change at all. they are lucky. for most people, it's quite a change and there can be some strain and fighting until you figure things out. but some people find that they simply are not compatible to be spending so much of their lives together. would you like to have that wake up call after being legally bound together?
I strongly encourage you to move in together before the wedding!
FI actually moved in with me when we were just friends. We were really good friends and then I bought a house that was much closer for both of us to work, so he started staying with me. We started spending more and more time together and i never wanted him to leave. A couple months later we got together and eventually engaged.
For me, it all worked out. I feel like i have living together to thank for finding the love of my life. We've never really had arguments around living together stuff, it was all pretty easy. And it didnt delay moving forward with our lives-we'll be married just under 2 years after getting together.
I love living together and it really feels like home with him here. I also couldn't imagine marrying someone without living with them.
Sorry to be the nerd of the board, but the research cited above was taken out of context and is outdated. Good research says that living together before your engaged tend to cause slightly higher divorce rates. But if you were engaged when you moved in, your divorce rate are statistically the same.
"In general, men who cohabited prior to their first marriage had lower probabilities of the marriage surviving to the 10th anniversary than those who did not cohabit prior to their first marriage. However, those men who were engaged at the time of cohabitation with their soon-to-be first wife had similar probabilities that their marriage would last 10 years as did those who did not cohabit prior to marriage: 71% for men who were engaged at cohabitation and 69% for men who had never cohabited before their first marriage....If the couple were engaged when they began cohabiting, the probability that a woman’s marriage would survive for 10 years was similar (65%) to the probability for couples who did not cohabit at all (66%). In contrast, the probability that the marriage would survive 10 years or more was lower if the couple were not engaged when they began cohabiting (55%)." http://www.cdc.gov/nchs/data/series/sr_23/sr23_028.pdf
And I will be moving in after I get engaged, not because of the data, but it certainly makes me feel better about it. But that is because I am a statistical nerd :-)
@janie-janie: I should have elaborated more I just didn't want to write too much- he also feels it is morally not really for him (and his parents also feel this way, pretty strongly) and my mom is a little more lax is her opinion because she just wants me to be happy and is willing to accept whatever that entails but ideally she thinks we should wait as well- so it's not just for the "fun" factor, far from. sorry for the confusion
We are engaged and saving for a home, and do not live together. We will not live together until we buy our house.
I was adamantly against living together before marriage (and engagement at a minimum) due to a conservative religious upbringing until I myself was put into the situation. Right after college I was unable to afford living in such an expensive area on my own and so my FI and I moved in together after dating for a year.
My family had a fit, I felt a wee bit guilty and my friends were shocked. We have lived together for five wonderful years and are FINALLY engaged and while it hasn't been all peaches and cream I don't regret it at all.
@Pollywog: research cited above was taken out of context and is outdated.
I know, I am so tired of hearing that statistic!
@xokaleneox: I can see how both morals and family can be tough to contend with.
I'm definitely pro cohabitation. I would never consider marrying someone that I've never lived with. I know it works for lots of people but it wasn't for us.
DH and I have been together for almost 7 years and we've lived together nearly the entire time (about 3 months in). We were living as a married couple long before it was legal and I wouldn't trade that for the world. Sure, nothing really changed after it was official (which I can understand is important to some) but we didn't mind it. We were happy and in love before. We're happy and in love now.
I didn't want to move in before we were engaged because I didn't feel comfortable taking such a big leap without a commitment. However, my lease was up and I caved and moved in with him. Less than a month later, we were engaged. I'm definitely glad we live together now, and have time to get adjusted to living together before the craziness of the wedding.
I don't think there's a right or wrong answer...just depends on you and how hard you work at it like a PP said! :)
My mother, having been divorced twice, drilled it in my head that a couple should live together first, so that's what I thought was normal for the longest time. I moved in with my FH after four ish months of dating, which is soon of course, but I wouldn't have it any other way. We transitioned to living together very well and that was a really great test for us. He proposed a year later, and I already know I can coreside with him - and do it well. I think that's a huge plus. We are saving other fun stuff for marriage, like joining our bank accounts, joining all other bills, buying our first car together (okay we did that one just a month ago but were planning on saving that for marriage), babies, etc. Marriage has so much to offer that I don't think you have to worry about taking the fun out of it =)
My fiance and I lived together for nearly a year before he popped the question. We had already been dating for about two years (we were high school sweethearts), and he moved in with me and my family so that he could be closer to the university and have a steady ride. It felt like the next natural step for us We transitioned easily and, even though there have been hiccups, I wouldn't have it any other way.
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