Not looking forward to my wedding anymore… so sad and confused

posted 3 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
729 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

First, take a huge breath. Whew. That is a lot going on. Gotta remember to breathe.

I’m so sorry all of this is happening. There are a lot of things adding to this issue; do you know which one is upsetting you the most?

Is it possible to postpone your wedding until your sister can be there, and you can save up more money, or have you paid for some things already?

Post # 4
Member
3016 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2014 - Prague

Oh Boy. You are in a tough place right now. I think the PP is asking the right questions. 

HUGS

Post # 5
Member
1362 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2014 - Turf Valley

@MissMaya:  Since you’ve put $8k down on deposits, I’m assuming this is going to be a rather expensive wedding.  

Tough lovin’: In actuality, was this wedding your idea or his? And by wedding, I don’t mean marriage.  I mean all of what’s going into making it your special day (venue/catering/dress/photography/flowers/etc). It’s not often you find a man who plans a lavish wedding.  If none of these ideas were his, how can you blame him for not being able to pay for the wedding you want?  Weddings are cheap.  Go to the court house and it costs under $100 depending on your location.  You absolutely cannot blame him one bit if he didn’t choose a thing about this wedding.  

It’s also unfair to resent him.  His work is slowing down.  This is something I can personally relate to.  It’s not fair to him.  He isn’t trying any less hard.  How can you blame him when he is the victim of economic downturn? Maybe you should make more money so you can contribute more.  Why is all the responsibility on him?  Where is your resentment for yourself then, if you also cannot contribute towards your own wedding?

I’m ignoring the point you made about disappointment with your proposal.  I just can’t go there.

Lovin’: It sucks that your parents are in the situation they are in, but that’s their financial situation, not yours.  They will deal with it in the way they feel is most appropriate.  Don’t fret!  I’m sorry your sister may not be able to attend.  That is really unfortunate for you.  Either way, your day will be wonderful.  Everything will come together.  It always does.  Just remember that the dark times will pass and give light to great times. 

Your wedding planning process is what you make of it.  Pull yourself out of the bummer-pit and get excited!  When I get down for one reason or another, I try to picture my actual wedding day and I start thinking of how happy I will be.  Try it!

Best of luck moving forward.  But you can do it.

Post # 6
Member
11379 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2012

@MissMaya:  your wedding is still a little ways away.  you still have some time to save a bit more.  why can’t your fi find another job or even anothr pt job to compensate for his lack of hours?   any job with a pay cheque will be helpful.

Post # 7
Member
499 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2015

I’m sorry to hear that, things will turn up hopefully.  But I think you may be too tough on the fI? He is probably stressed out about not making enough money to support you.  Also, are you working? Can you also help save for the wedding which is still a few months away?

Post # 9
Member
7279 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

Wow you really are in a tough spot. I can’t offer much in terms of advice other than taking things one day at time. 

You can’t predict what will happen with her case. I don’t think you should consider postphone though. Inspite of there being a possiblity of your sister not being there, this is still a positve event that you deserve to have. 

Sending a {{cyber hug}} your way.

 

 

Post # 10
Member
729 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

What about having a family & friends reception after you’re home again, which hopefully your sister would be able to attend? I know it’s not close to the same thing, but at least you could celebrate with her.

To be honest, and maybe it’s just the “lack of tone in typing” thing, but you seem really angry at your FH. Emphasis on him not paying anything so you don’t want to feed his family? I know that money is a tricky thing, but that seems a bit over the top. Sorry, but if you are marrying this guy, his people become your people, and lines in the sand don’t help anyone.

It sounds like there is a lot going on in your brain and your heart right now, and lots and lots of stress. Before saying anything to your FH, try to relax a bit so you don’t fly off the handle.

And yes, I +1 LMD about the proposal comment. Let it be.

Post # 11
Member
1362 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2014 - Turf Valley

@MissMaya:  The clarification helps a lot – thanks.  I am glad you reigned in your FI’s lavish desires or this situation might’ve been a lot more frustrating!

At any rate, I know things will work out for you.  Your sister might even be able to show up! Who knows? Let’s just expect that everything falls back into place.  This frump will pass in short time! 🙂

Post # 12
Member
10988 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2009

I’m so sorry you’ve had all of that thrown at you. I can only imagine that it’s been difficult to handle.

I think you should attack this situation from two sides:

The first is trying to manage your expectations, because unmet expectations often lead to disappointment, which can then lead to discouragement, and, if not handled well, even depression, and, eventually dispair and devastation. If you read through these boards, there definitely are some bees who appear to be having the absolute time of their lives planning their weddings and could not be any happier. Their proposal stories, engagement rings, wedding bands, bridal showers, bachelorette parties, wedding dresses, wedding days, honeymoons, and even newlywed lives seem to be absolutely perfect in their eyes.

However, I think for every one of those threads, you’ll see many more posts from bees who are experiencing disappointment or regret about something relating to at least one — if not more — of those issues. The fact is that many of us have rather lofty dreams of this special time in our lives, and we want everything to be as perfect as we can make it. When something that is very important to us just doesn’t live up to what we’ve long envisioned, it can be very upsetting.

The second is sitting down to take a very practical look at what you can do NOW to address the costs associated with your wedding.

I certainly can understand why you would not want your parents to lose $8K in deposits and that you already have solidified your guest list by issuing STDs.  Is there anything at all that you can do NOW to trim the costs? Depending on what you already have planned, perhaps you could switch from an afternoon wedding with an evening reception to a morning wedding with a brunch reception.  Maybe you can change your ideas (but keep the same colors) for your flowers and save a lot of money by having your florist use less expensive blooms. Maybe you could switch from more elaborate centerpieces to smaller ones. Perhaps you could forgo having favors.  Are there any steps such as these that you could take to dramatically reduce the costs of your wedding, while still keeping your date and destination intact?

Finally, I don’t want to — at ALL — sound in any way insensitive or heartless regarding your sister’s situation. I am someone who has great compassion and empathy for others, and I hope that her situation is resolved as favorably as possible for all parties involved in this tragic situation. However, I will say that, if your sister is guilty  of the crime of which she has been accused, perhaps the outcome ultimately will be better for her — and for your parents — if she does not fight the charges and go through a lengthy, complex, and very expensive trial but instead pleads guilty and her attorneys attempt to gain leniency of sentencing. However, if she is innocent, or if there are extenuating circumstances that, despite her guilt, likely will result in her aquittal as a result of a jury trial, then, of course, it is extremely understandable for your parents to want her to have the best defense they are able to afford, even if that means that money originally promised for your wedding must be diverted to cover your sister’s legal fees.

I wish you the best as you go through this very difficult challenging time and hope that you and your FI are still able to have a beautiful wedding.

Post # 14
Member
13 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: November 2013

@MissMaya:  I agree w/ PP’s and think you are being too hard on FI.  Could it be that you are really upset with your sister and transferring that emotion to FI?  I also wonder if you already have a bit of resentment toward the inequality of your money situation and this has just brought it to the surface.  Money is one of those things that is uncomfortable to speak of because sometimes what needs to be said just has to be said in plain terms but that makes us feel like we are being selfish or greedy or controlling. 

For your sister’s situation, you don’t say if she is a minor or of age.  Is this attorney a private attorney or a public defender and the $20K is the figure calculated according to someone’s ability to pay?  There may be other avenues to explore for that cost.

I don’t want this to sound cold.  It seems that you have a close relationship with your sister.  But you are upset w/ your FI for something he cannot control if his work has slowed down; and you don’t seem at all upset with your sister, who theoretically could have controlled this by not putting herself in the position she is now in. 

Give it a few days.  Time has a way of softening things.  ((hugs))

 

Post # 16
Member
13 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: November 2013

@MissMaya:  I hope you feel better in a day or two.  I’m sure all of us who have planned or are planning a wedding fell victim to having lofty expectations and being disappointed when reality comes crashing in, whether it’s having the money for the wedding we want vs the wedding we can realistically afford, to being shocked that we are not over-the-moon happy every minute of this process.  I blame it on wedding magazines and tv shows.  God how I loved watching Bridezillas because it showed that things don’t always go as planned, even if some of those girls’ plans were wacky.  It will all work out somehow.  You can’t see it now, but something will give and it will all be fine.  Keep us posted and use this as your sounding board.  Try to get some exercise to work off some of the stress, even if it’s just going for a walk.  We’re here for you. 

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