Post # 1
My dad passed away twenty years ago so after that, there’s been no point in holidays. I hate them with a passion. My brother was physicality, emotionally, and verbally abusive to me and my mom after my dad died yet everything was always my fault according to her. If I didn’t do or say that, then he wouldn’t hit me. She still believes this. When he comes to town, I get ignored. He’s over thirty yet still acts like a whiney, tantrum throwing baby. My mom caters on him hand and foot yet he still verbally abuses her. This is why I stay at my house as long as I can. who wants to spend holidays that way?
On top of it, this will be my first holiday single (though my husband refused to every spend a single holiday with me). For xmas we would open presents and then he would run to his mommies where I was not allowed to go (come to find out he has been with his baby mama for the duration of our relationship so that’s why I couldn’t come to holidays and family events) . It’sl sad to truly realize I’m alone. I know I’m better off without the asshole but I’m just reminded that I suck and wasted three years of my life. My brother and other family don’t know and I’m not looking forward to having to tell everyone at thanksgiving when they ask where he is. I know I’m better off, but it still hurts and I’m embarrassed. Who marries someone when they have a secret life and relationship? Now I’m the one that has to be embarrassed my marriage only lasted a month bc I married a lying, cheating, asshole. And everyone’s going to ask over thanksgiving dinner. Ugh.
What can I do to make things less shitty? where’s the bright side? Silver lining? I sure can’t see it 🙁
Post # 2
JazzyGirl85: I think you need a major attitude adjustment and only you can do this for yourself. It’s a conscious choice you can make.
My dad passed away twenty years ago so after that, there’s been no point in holidays.
Hogwash! The last thing your Dad would want is for you to be miserable and not enjoy the holidays.I can understand not wanting to spend time with your brother. If protecting yourself from his abuse, means not spending time with him then so be it. Your mental and emotional well being has to be your top priority.
Now I’m the one that has to be embarrassed my marriage only lasted a month
You don’t have anything to be embarassed about. We have all made mistakes in judgement and your ex’s family was complicit with him in hiding his behavior. Just be thankful that you found out so soon and didn’t spend years in this parody of a marriage on his part.
What can I do to make things less shitty? where’s the bright side? Silver lining?
Get Busy! Find places to volunteer. Making others happy will make you happy. look for opportunities at a women’s shelter, drop in center, etc. Non-profits are always looking for extra help.
Post # 3
julies1949: All of this!
Make your own new traditions. Spend it with people you want to be with. Maybe check out a Blue Christmas service in remembrance of your Dad and realizing that you’re not the only one who’s making a switch as to they way it’s celebrated.
Post # 4
What I would do;
Lifetime movie marathon. Tons of hot chocolate (spiked or not spiked) in my PJs
Volunteer with a non-profit that delivers Christmas (either presents, Christmas dinner, or both) to those in need. You get to see so many people’s faces light up with happiness.
Friends giving/Christmas with people I love instead of my “family.” I have tons of friends that don’t have family they can see for the holiday so I would round them all up and have a great party at my place.
Post # 5
You sound like a perfect candidate to become one of those wonderful people who spend the holidays with their friend “families”. Surround yourself with people who actually love you for you, not by people who say they love you because they have to but meanwhile do everything they can to undermine your self confidence and happiness. If your family insists that you come visit them, make up some excuse that can’t be overcome – you’re short on money, you have to work Christmas Eve, you have to get a root canal…
I’m sorry you’re in a dark place this holiday season though. It sounds like you’ve had a lot of hardships lately. Even if you do have to spend at least a day or two with family, make sure to call some friends after priming them with the information that you’re really struggling and having a tough time. Hopefully a little extra loving support from them will negate whatever shade your family throws at you!
Post # 6
I say that you should take care of you. Your ex is an ass and he is the one that should be embarrassed. You did nothing wrong. And your family doesn’t seem to be supportive or even nice so I wouldn’t feel any obligation to spend the holidays with them.
I agree with the PPs! Volunteering can be hugely rewarding, especially during the holidays. It gets your mind off your worries and makes you feel better about yourself.
I would also let your friends know that you’re not looking forward to the holidays given your ex and famililies, so that they can be supportive. If someone invites you over to their family’s house for the holidays – take them up on it! We had a guy from my grandparent’s church that joined us for the holidays for several years in a row because his family was in a different country. It can be fun!
Or just enjoy the holidays yourself. Wrap up in a blankie and watch It’s A Wonderful Life or How the Grinch Stole Christmas.
If you decide that you do want to see yoru family, it doesn’t have to be for a long time. If your brother starts running his mouth, simply say that you’re not interested in listening to that and then leave. The proceed to the plan above!
Post # 7
You got a job, you are alive. Appreciate it.
Post # 8
You don’t have to mention anything about your marriage if you don’t want to. If they ask, just say he couldn’t make it. Better yet, skip going to see your family on Thanksgiving and do something you waby instead. As PPs mentioned, you can make your own traditions without toxic people involved.
Post # 9
Stop feeling sorry for yourself and do something about it. If your family sucks, don’t spend time with them during the holidays. Spend time with friends or volunteer somewhere where people are really needy. There are plenty of places that serve Thanksgiving dinner to the homeless or needy. I’ve done it any it really does make you feel good to help others and makes you realize that you do actually have things to be thankful for.
Post # 10
JazzyGirl85: I agree with the other bees and say leave your family to themselves. you don’t need that negativity. There are so many shelters and food banks looking for help serving Thanksgiving or Christmas dinner. Its so rewarding seeing all the people with smiles on thier faces. on Christmas you could bring flowers or cookies to a nursing home. spend some time with someone that hasn’t had visitors in awhile. it’ll make you feel better knowing you did good for someone else.
You could mention to some friends that you aren’t looking forward to going to dinner with your family and i’m sure someone would invite you over. we always have at least 2 people at our house that doesn’t have family or is in the same kind of situation that you are in. If you are anywhwere near Atlanta GA thats where we will be this year. it’s a crazy family but you are welcome to join us!
Post # 11
I’m really sorry you’re down. The holidays can be really tough for a lot of people. A friend of mine was in a very similar situation to yours and would always go away during the holidays.
She would treat herself to a tour of a new country or an all inclusive – something that would take her mind off of everything and give her a much needed break from christmas.
That said, you sound like many of us who have had failed relationships and lost parents – it’s so hard, but do important to keep your head up and keep moving forward. Maybe you should talk to someone about how you’re feeling?
Post # 12
JazzyGirl85: What julies1949: said times 1000. Couldn’t have said it better.
Post # 13
- Wedding: March 2014 - A castle!
My dad died almost 3 years ago, on Thanksgiving day. That puts me in a serious fog of depression around this time of year (he actually went into the ICU 3 years ago to this very day). But I know he wouldn’t want me to sit around at home feeling sorry for myself. I agree with others, volunteering is where it’s at. I volunteer at a halfway house that rehabilitates felons. Spending just an evening around them really puts life into perspective for me. Everyone has a past and a story, but it’s how you let it affect you day-to-day that really sets you apart from others. Even if you fake positivity, eventually you will actually start to feel it.
If you can’t or don’t want to be around your family, now is the time to really lean on your friends and put yourself out there to make a difference for others. Another thing that I try to do to keep busy is bake. Lots of cookies and fudge, package them up nicely and hand deliver them to your neighbors.
Post # 14
JazzyGirl85: I agree with pps, volunteer somewhere. Whenever I am having a tough time I go help somewhere where people are having a tougher time than me. It puts everything into perspective. You don’t have to see your family, you can spend the holiday with friends. Help out somewhere, even helping at animal shelters helps me.
Post # 15
I don’t really have any friends so that doesn’t help out around the holidays. One moved, one fell off the face of the earth after I got married/divorced, one only wants me to drive an hour to her and the other is actually a good person. I live in the country now so it’s hard to meet new people. I used to volunteer at the humane society and enjoyed it but where I live now doesn’t make it feasible. I’d truly prefer to just sit at home watching Netflix with the cats but my mom would have a shit fit. I’ve accepted we don’t have a family but my mom wants to try and make something out of something that never was. I wish my company was open bc I would just go to work.