Not mature enough to marry after 10 years together

posted 2 weeks ago in Relationships
  • poll: What would you do?
    Leave the relationship : (218 votes)
    94 %
    Marry at the courthouse : (1 votes)
    0 %
    Elope elsewhere on a budget : (4 votes)
    2 %
    None of the above : (9 votes)
    4 %
  • Post # 2
    Member
    5219 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: October 2016 - Lola's Trailer Park

    Why are you even entertaining this bullshit?

    Post # 3
    Member
    142 posts
    Blushing bee

    He sounds controlling and unwilling to compromise. And beyond that, you definitely don’t seem compatible. The fact that he insists you aren’t “mature” because you want a wedding that you can comfortably afford to pay for on your own really rubs me the wrong way.

    Post # 4
    Member
    3227 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: September 2017 - Poppy Ridge Golf Course

    You’re incompatible. Frugal is one thing but anyone dressing in layers and shivering bc they refuse to turn the heater on is cheap as sh*t. He feels you aren’t mature enough to be his wife but has had no problem being in a relationship with you for the last decade? Total bs. Why you even want to marry this person I don’t understand based on your summary.

    Post # 5
    Member
    69 posts
    Worker bee
    • Wedding: November 3018

    Sorry, I would dump him!

    Post # 6
    Member
    619 posts
    Busy bee

    ree2 :  Whatever else is wrong here, you guys definitely sound incompatible in pretty major ways. Why do you want to be with him?

    Post # 7
    Member
    206 posts
    Helper bee

    He sounds like a mess. You deserve a lot better!

    Post # 8
    Member
    937 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: October 2016

    Sorry bee, there is not a chance I would stay with him. This kind of emotional blackmail is unacceptable. Also, there is NOTHING wrong with a ring under 0.3 carats, but thats not a huge (even remotely sizeable) investment given your combined income, and it sounds like the only thing he was investing in was trying to keep you under his thumb. There are SO many red flags here. The ring, the fact that he was only willing to move in if you paid for most of it, him saying its “you” that needs to mature…why would you settle for someone who mooches and manipulates instead of someone who is willing to enter into an equal parnership?

    Post # 9
    Member
    7082 posts
    Busy Beekeeper
    • Wedding: June 2013

    It sounds like you guys are not compatible at all when it comes to finances. I would probably leave the relationship.

    Post # 10
    Member
    51 posts
    Worker bee
    • Wedding: May 2020

    “In fact, the only way to convince him to move in with me was for me to pay 70% of the rent, as he would have preferred for us to just live with his parents for free.”

    That is really rich coming from a man that thinks you are the one too immature for marriage. Your wedding budget is within your means and would not put you in any kind of debt. It is immature of him not to realize that it is affordable for you. 

    Honestly he sounds like a nightmare and a frustration to be with. Google sunk cost fallacy in regards to the 10 years you’ve had and how 10 years and one day is worse. Allow yourself the freedom to find someone better than this guy and trust me, that will not be hard to do considering how sucky he is

    Post # 12
    Member
    151 posts
    Blushing bee

    I wouldn’t have put up with his extreme frugality for a decade, but that’s just me.  I would leave.  You’re not compatible financially and honestly, a lot of marriage is making decisions about finances and lifestyles. The wedding is only one decision point. There’s what kind of home you’ll live in & where, furnishing said home, how much to save for retirement, kids and all their expenses (from daycare to athletics to college), what role you’ll play in supporting and caring for aging parents, etc.  There is a reason why finances are the #1 cause of divorce.  

    Post # 14
    Member
    160 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: September 2017

    I feel like he’s just coming up with excuses. You’re better off finding someone who can’t wait to marry you!

    Post # 15
    Member
    21 posts
    Newbee

    I voted elope on a budget, because I feel like there must be some reason you stuck with him for 10 years and are contemplating marriage with him despite everything you’ve written. If that is the case, meet in the middle, and do something a little more romantic for the wedding.

    BUT, if I’m being truthful, after reading everything, I’m wondering why you’re still with him. This man is ok with you paying for everything and the majority of rent etc, without lifting a finger or feeling embarrassed? And he thinks you need to mature because you want an actual wedding rather than just getting married? Also giving you a bunch of excuses before he would propose…. I honestly do think you’re wasting your time. Move on, find someone who is on the same page as you in regards to lifestyle and is willing to compromise with you. 

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