Post # 1
I’ve been with my partner for 10 years now (both early 30s). We have lived together for 3 years and he bought the ring over 4 years ago, after telling all his friends he was about to propose. He still hasn’t because he’s “waiting for the right time”…for me to mature apparently.
He’s always felt that after so long together, getting married won’t change anything but would propose since marriage is important to me. So I asked him again when we would get married and he changed his story completely, now saying that I just wasn’t mature enough for it. In the past he used to tell me to be patient, and it’d come after he got a promotion at work, or saved x amount (for what?) etc
So regarding my lack of maturity, apparently it is because he finds it financially irresponsible to spend the money required for me to have the wedding I’ve always envisioned (around 40-50k, which is average in my area). He thinks if I was more mature I would come to my senses and just sign papers in front of a justice of the peace and be done with it, as that is his ideal “wedding”. To put things in context, I earn a 6-figure salary, so it’s not like I’ll be taking out a loan to pay for the wedding.
He’s extremely frugal, which isn’t a bad thing but unfortunately I am not. In winter, he’ll just wear 5 layers and a blanket (and shiver if need be) rather than put the heater on. He will never eat a meal out, unless I pay for it. He just hates spending money which has led to me paying 100% for all the non-essentials since he feels he just “tags along” to all the events or dinners or holidays I want to go to/on. He is happy living as a monk. In fact, the only way to convince him to move in with me was for me to pay 70% of the rent, as he would have preferred for us to just live with his parents for free. So I acknowledge it was a massive deal when he bought the ring, even if it’s under 0.3 carats, since it is completely out of his character to spend any money on anything that isn’t life-sustaining.
Is there a way for my to convince myself I will be happy getting married in the courthouse- ie will I mature the way he wants me to? Or are we just incompatible? Afterall, getting married is far more than about a one day event right?
Has anyone ever regretted getting married in the courthouse if that was not what they had originally wanted?
Post # 2
- Wedding: October 2016 - Lola's Trailer Park
Why are you even entertaining this bullshit?
Post # 3
He sounds controlling and unwilling to compromise. And beyond that, you definitely don’t seem compatible. The fact that he insists you aren’t “mature” because you want a wedding that you can comfortably afford to pay for on your own really rubs me the wrong way.
Post # 4
- Wedding: September 2017 - Poppy Ridge Golf Course
You’re incompatible. Frugal is one thing but anyone dressing in layers and shivering bc they refuse to turn the heater on is cheap as sh*t. He feels you aren’t mature enough to be his wife but has had no problem being in a relationship with you for the last decade? Total bs. Why you even want to marry this person I don’t understand based on your summary.
Post # 6
ree2 : Whatever else is wrong here, you guys definitely sound incompatible in pretty major ways. Why do you want to be with him?
Post # 7
He sounds like a mess. You deserve a lot better!
Post # 8
Sorry bee, there is not a chance I would stay with him. This kind of emotional blackmail is unacceptable. Also, there is NOTHING wrong with a ring under 0.3 carats, but thats not a huge (even remotely sizeable) investment given your combined income, and it sounds like the only thing he was investing in was trying to keep you under his thumb. There are SO many red flags here. The ring, the fact that he was only willing to move in if you paid for most of it, him saying its “you” that needs to mature…why would you settle for someone who mooches and manipulates instead of someone who is willing to enter into an equal parnership?
Post # 9
It sounds like you guys are not compatible at all when it comes to finances. I would probably leave the relationship.
Post # 10
“In fact, the only way to convince him to move in with me was for me to pay 70% of the rent, as he would have preferred for us to just live with his parents for free.”
That is really rich coming from a man that thinks you are the one too immature for marriage. Your wedding budget is within your means and would not put you in any kind of debt. It is immature of him not to realize that it is affordable for you.
Honestly he sounds like a nightmare and a frustration to be with. Google sunk cost fallacy in regards to the 10 years you’ve had and how 10 years and one day is worse. Allow yourself the freedom to find someone better than this guy and trust me, that will not be hard to do considering how sucky he is
Post # 11
Ah yes, really sounds like the problem is you in this relationship.
Post # 12
I wouldn’t have put up with his extreme frugality for a decade, but that’s just me. I would leave. You’re not compatible financially and honestly, a lot of marriage is making decisions about finances and lifestyles. The wedding is only one decision point. There’s what kind of home you’ll live in & where, furnishing said home, how much to save for retirement, kids and all their expenses (from daycare to athletics to college), what role you’ll play in supporting and caring for aging parents, etc. There is a reason why finances are the #1 cause of divorce.
Post # 13
Funny how the thing that got me was how hypocritical he was
“Living together is the same as being married” vs “You’re not ready or mature enough for marriage”
I guess I’m so used to his frugality I don’t know any better, plus I did feel guilty when I spent money on “non-essentials”. He loves to ask me what I’m doing for charity and I hate to say it but he does give more than I do so I’m not an angel by any means…
Re the 70/30 split, it’s because I earn way more than he does so he felt it wasn’t “fair” given A)his preference is to live at home and feeling that I’m “forcing” him (sorry but I don’t want to live with his parents!) and B)me earning almost double his income
Post # 14
I feel like he’s just coming up with excuses. You’re better off finding someone who can’t wait to marry you!
Post # 15
I voted elope on a budget, because I feel like there must be some reason you stuck with him for 10 years and are contemplating marriage with him despite everything you’ve written. If that is the case, meet in the middle, and do something a little more romantic for the wedding.
BUT, if I’m being truthful, after reading everything, I’m wondering why you’re still with him. This man is ok with you paying for everything and the majority of rent etc, without lifting a finger or feeling embarrassed? And he thinks you need to mature because you want an actual wedding rather than just getting married? Also giving you a bunch of excuses before he would propose…. I honestly do think you’re wasting your time. Move on, find someone who is on the same page as you in regards to lifestyle and is willing to compromise with you.