Not mature enough to marry after 10 years together

posted 2 weeks ago in Relationships
  • poll: What would you do?
    Leave the relationship : (218 votes)
    94 %
    Marry at the courthouse : (1 votes)
    0 %
    Elope elsewhere on a budget : (4 votes)
    2 %
    None of the above : (9 votes)
    4 %
  • Post # 105
    Member
    466 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: August 2016

    This guy sounds like he looks down on you. That in and of itself is a good enough reason to leave.

    Post # 106
    Member
    207 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: March 2016

    He’s not frugal, he’s selfish. Sorry Bee. I would leave… these kinda issues won’t reconcile when you get married. It will become worse. 

    Money is an essential part of marriage. Not about how much you have but how each of you spend and see and value money. You have different perceptions, it will be the source of a lot of arguments and conflicts.

    Post # 107
    Member
    75 posts
    Worker bee
    • Wedding: December 2011

    You two seem incredibly incompatible. Considering finances are one of the leading reasons for divorce in America, if you are on such different pages regarding finances now,  it will only get worse if you get married and put more strain on your relationship. He seems pretty set in his ways, and while there is nothing wring with living as frugally as he does, there IS something wrong with him always making you foot the bill because he doesn’t want to. He’s okay doing things with you when you’re spending your money, but what happens if you get married and it becomes “our” money? You have the means to live the way you enjoy and fighting with him about it every step of the way will make you miserable. This is not about your maturity, this is about having different views on finances and the fact that he says you are immature because you disagree with how he feels is what’s immature. 

     

    I also feel, as someone who is in her 30s, with a comfortable income, you will regret it if you do not have your dream wedding. Eventually that will become resentment. 

    Post # 108
    Member
    891 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: June 2017

    ree2 :  You say he bought this ring 4 years ago, but wants to wait to propose until you have your issues sorted out. So in those 4 years the two of you haven’t been able to work out your issues?

    Time to leave girl. You both need partners that you can be happy with.

    Post # 110
    Member
    303 posts
    Helper bee

    OPs original question” Has anyone ever regretted getting married in the courthouse if that was not what they had originally wanted?”

    So your relationship is a little bit the opposite of mine.  I wanted a courthouse marriage and DH wanted a big grand wedding (my mother also wanted one too).  Anyways I agreed to the big wedding because I kind of forced him into proposing.

     

    I will say I didn’t regret having a big wedding!  The key was DH and I were on the save page of saving money but having a grand wedding and that was fun!  We kept plotting ways to make our wedding as cheap as possible without being or feeling cheap.  It worked out!  It made us both happy and I want to say it bought us closer together.

    So I would say I’m the frugal one.  Here are some of the things that helped us save money.  We picked a very eager venue, really wanted our business and bent over backwards to make us happy.  That helped a lot! 

    We did a lot of foot work when buying things.  Like we needed a cake for 250 people, we went around and asked, finally found a guy that would make our cake for like 1/3 the quote of the next cheapest person.  We were worried about it showing up (it did seem a bit shady, we gave him all the money upfront and our location and date) but it showed up and they got the order wrong (we asked for something and got something different but in a very funny way) it was still a cake that would feed 250 people so we didn’t care!

    We didn’t have any fresh flowers!  We didn’t give out any favors!  No one noticed!!!  I asked a bunch of relatives and friends months after the wedding how they liked our flowers and favors and they said they were great!  I told DH no one would notice and I was right!

    To be honest right before the wedding DH and I got a little scared we cut too many corners and thought something bad would happen but the stars lined up and our wedding was great!  I get complimented on it quite often.

    Anyways maybe my story might help move your BF over into having a big wedding.

    —————————–

    Though I do want to say I did read your update and it does sound like you guys are not on the same page about money.  Even though I’m the MORE frugal one out of my relationship, I am also the one that does all the shopping so it works out really well for us. 

    DH is kind of too lazy to shop so he can’t really “over” buy things I disapprove of.  It’s so rare that he buys something that I don’t mind if he gets the “best” of that something and doesn’t make an effort to find a deal.  Most of the time he tells me what he wants, I usually can find a good deal especially if he’s not in a hurry to have it.

    Post # 111
    Member
    324 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: September 2014

    OP, I had this whole long reply typed out to you that quoted bits of your replies, and pinpointed how he talks down to you, gaslights you, makes you feel like shit about yourself, and so on…

    And then I deleted it, because guess what? I’ve been in a relationship similar to this, and nothing convinced me to leave until the day I woke up and thought, “If I’m alone for the rest of my life, it will still be better than feeling the way I do right now, with him.”

    If you hit that point, you’ll know.

    In the meantime, I will ask you to take only one thing on faith: there IS a man out there who would make you feel admired, respected, valued, and cherished, even when y’all were having heated disagreements about politics, or dinner plans, or veganism, or who swept the kitchen floor last. I didn’t know that when I left my ex — I found out later, after I’d realized that life on my own was, indeed, far more pleasant than when shared with the wrong person.

    Post # 112
    Member
    404 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: April 2017

    ree2 :  uh, he’s doing you a huge favor. It doesn’t even seem like you’re happy in this relationship. I would cut my losses and move on!!

    Post # 113
    Member
    3659 posts
    Sugar bee

    I know that leaving someone after you’ve been with them for 10 years would be scary. I get it. You’ve grown up with this man. But he is NOT – I repeat, he IS NOT the man for you. I’d cut my losses now. 

    Post # 114
    Member
    18 posts
    Newbee

    Long time relationship with no marriage yet bee coming through. I feel your pain

    This guy sounds awful. The fact that you had to pay 70% of the rent? WOW. It would be one thing if you were making demands that you couldn’t afford and expected him to pay for but you have been more than fair. I think you need to tell him that he either gives you what you want or you walk. This seems really unfair to you.

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