(Closed) Not inviting family members to my wedding because of their views on Gays?

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
  • poll:
    Invite them anyways? : (36 votes)
    40 %
    Let my cousin deal with this even if I know he won't stand up for himself : (11 votes)
    12 %
    I have a right not to invite them? : (40 votes)
    44 %
    Other? : (4 votes)
    4 %
  • Post # 3
    Member
    2125 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: July 2012

    Wow, I can’t beleive how intolerant people are. Even as a Catholic myself, it is very UNChristian of your family members to be so judgmental and hateful as to threaten not to show up. As if anyone standing up at that altar is a saint?! For all they know, 3 of the bridesmaids have had abortions and the groomsmen all secrelty covet their neighboors wife. 

    It’s just unbeleiveable and I wouldt even address these relatives who have such terrible things to say. I’d invite everyone as if the problem didn’t exist, and let them choose if they want to show up or not…after all, it’s not their wedding.

    Post # 4
    Member
    1767 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: December 2011

    I would say invite them anyway, because they’re your family… but make it very clear that you won’t tolerate their discrimination at YOUR wedding. This is not a political rally. This is not someone’s pulpit from which to preach. This is your wedding. Explain that if they can’t keep their bigotry to themselves for your sake, they clearly don’t care about you enough to partake in this rite of passage with you.

    Post # 5
    Member
    8884 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper

    I say invite them because they are family, but be straight up and tell them that if they behave the way they have been then you will ask them to leave. It’s your day and you should not have to put up with their intolerance and they should know better. Hopefully they act like grown ups and behave.

    Post # 7
    Member
    1309 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: December 2011

    It’s a mistake not to invite your family. If only because your aunt sounds like the type of person to never let you forget it.

    The Church has no problem with your cousin standing up as a groomsman – this is all your aunt’s problem, which she is trying to project on others.

    If every bride cut out members of her family who were rude, obnoxious or who didn’t share her politics, who would be left to invite? Okay that’s an exaggeration. If you have already invited them, verbally or otherwise, you certainly can’t un-invite them. That would be extremely rude and stooping to their level. In general it’s poor policy to make an invitation to any social occasion a weapon for punishing blood relatives. You should address their behavior with them, as diplomatically as possible, but don’t dangle a wedding invitation or threaten to take it away.

    Seat the warring factions on opposite sides of the room. If your rude relations tend to become unruly when they’ve had a few, perhaps consider limiting the amount of alcohol that is available.

     

    Post # 8
    Member
    7609 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper

    Maybe these people deserve to be left out of something big like this.

    Post # 9
    Member
    2750 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: June 2012

    @Juliepants:  I agree. The last thing you need to be on your wedding day is a referee.  EVEN if you designated someone to kick them out if they started becoming unruly, this is YOUR wedding.  Do what is best for you and your FI.

    Don’t invite them not because of their views, but because they are rude.

    Post # 10
    Member
    1359 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: June 2012

    Man, it’s one thing to be opposed to homosexuality due to religious views – I don’t like it, but okay. It’s another to be such an actively horrible and hateful person to your own son. I really wish people like that had consequences for their behaviour. It burns me up inside knowing they go around making people’s lives miserable and hurting people’s feelings and nothing bad happens to them because everyone else is trying to be polite or keep the peace. For that reason, and for an expression of love and acceptance for your cousin and other gay friends, I really wish you would not invite them to your wedding. I wish they would get the message that being an evil person has consequences. And I can’t imagine what it would be like to be your cousin and have no one in your family stick up for you. How heartbreaking. No wonder he doesn’t have the courage to stick up for himself.

    (Also, if I went to a friend’s wedding with my wife and my friend’s other guests harassed or mocked us in anyway, I would be really upset and it would probably affect my relationship with that friend that they were willing to put me in a hurtful and unsafe (emotionally, and possibly physically) situation. Just something to think about.)

    Post # 11
    Member
    27 posts
    Newbee
    • Wedding: October 2012

    Oh man, this sounds completely awful. I’m sorry that you are dealing with this. I thought my fathers feud with his sister and my questions about inviting my aunt were complicated. This is nuts! Personally, I prefer to cut all ties with toxic people whether they are family or not. If you’re a hostile person, you are out!

    Unfortunately, this is easier said than done. 

    Perhaps I would just invite them to your wedding, then consider fazing them out of your life afterwards. You don’t need that kind of hate in your life!

    What do you think you should do?

    P.s. – Is your family paying for the wedding? I’d say if so, then they can call the shots on the guest list. If NOT, then you definitely can do as you see fit in terms of rescinding invitations.

    Best of luck!

    Post # 12
    Member
    188 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: February 2013

    Invite them to the wedding but make it clear that you’re not accepting any drama at your wedding. It’s a day to celebrate you and your FI joining as a family. Not a day for them to voice their public opinion about who you invited. They can come if they can act like civilized adults. If they choose not to come then so be it, it’s on them not you.

    You might consider looking into security depending on where your venue will be. I’m actually considering it because I’ll probably be inviting some people that might start things up. It’s not that uncommon and they can take care of anyone that gets too drunk and rowdy.

    Post # 13
    Member
    1077 posts
    Bumble bee

    I’m voting for invite them but be clear on your expectations in regards to their behaviour. It sounds like they talk a lot of trash but don’t actually cause a scene at the event itself, is that accurate? I think if they are the type that like to be dramatic at the event then you should feel free to not invite them, but if they aren’t I would invite them and continue to shoot them down for their bigoted behavior.

    It also might be nice to ask your cousin how he feels about the situation. Just the knowledge that you’re willing to go to bat for him would probably mean a lot.

    Post # 14
    Member
    705 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: July 2013

    I have a sister who is completely incapable of being out in public.  I am not inviting her so as not to make my other guests uncomfortable.  Your mother’s family is completely incapable of being out in public and would make your other guests uncomfortable, and thus should not be invited.  You’re not inviting them because they are crass and rude people–not because you disagree with their opinions.  

    Post # 15
    Member
    6015 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: March 2012

    This is a tough one really.  I think I would just invite everyone and let it be a family celebration.  In 50years this will all seem ridiculous.

     

    Post # 16
    Member
    1925 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: May 2013

    I would be hesitant to invite them to my wedding too if I were you.  I’m not inviting my aunt and two of my cousins because of their drug use and drama, but mostly because they start shit wherever they go.  I refuse to have people at my wedding who can’t put their bullshit aside and be happy for me on my day.  

    Anyway, if you feel like you must invite them, then I would have a serious talk with them first.  Tell them that you love them but you really don’t approve of their views on homosexuality.  You can say that you really don’t want their beef with their son coming up at your wedding.  Make them promise to not make it an issue.  If they can’t do that, they wouldn’t be invited.

    That’s what I would do.  Or I would just exclude them altogether.  Good luck, this is a really sticky situation.

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