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Could you sit down and have an honest (but polite) conversation with her about if she still wants to be in the wedding or not? I know it would suck if she had to drop out as a BM, but that might be a relief to her and to you, because then you don't have to worry about her doing it last minute. Maybe just ask her gently if she'd like to come as just a guest because she'll have a baby on her plate. Good luck!
Have you talked to her about it? Ask her how she feels about traveling with a newborn. If she thinks she can pull it off, then great! If she feels like she needs to bow out, then so be it. I'd leave it up to her and be flexible enough to know you might be -1 BM come the day off. Are you paying for the girls dresses, etc? If not, then all you'd really be out is on bouquet - and maybe you could work something out with your florist where you give her the exact count closer to the wedding.
Gosh. :( Your poor friend. I dunno, if I had a surprise pregnancy with a guy I'd only been dating for 1 month, I probably would have been too bummed to tell anyone for awhile, too. There's nothing wrong really with that "selfish" gut reaction of "but what about me and my wedding and what I want?" I've had it too about silly things that inconvenience me, but it's important to be supportive of your friend. Your plan for one day may be disrupted, but honestly, her whole life plan has been thrown off by an unexpected pregnancy and she has a lot to adjust to.
I don't mean to preach and I know this was just a frustrated, momentary vent. I'm sure you will be a good friend and as supportive as possible as she's dealing with all this change. Good luck. I really hope she's able to come to your wedding.
I am gonna be soooo supportive. This is just a vent and I'm annoyed that I'm annoyed lol. It is a selfish moment and that's why I hate to bring it up with her. Right now she's still coping with the reality that her reality is changing so fast so I don't want to be all Kanye like (lol), like "that's great that you're pregnant and I'm gonna let you finish but....." Just playing. I'm gonna wait a bit, we haven't even been able to hang out since she told me. I wanna catch up, have dinner, let it be her day. Then the next time we'll have to talk. I don't want to be out a BM and I have supportive friends that may be able to jump in (they're supportive enough to be ok with being the plan B). I also don't want her to feel she has to do something she's not capable of doing. So we'll see if she feels like she can and if not that's understandable so there'd be no hard feelings. I'll just have to figure something else out. I just hope I don't have to! I'd love to have HER in the wedding ya know?
Just talk to her about it. One of my BMs gave birth 2 months ago. We've been friends since we were like, 8, and she had told me she didn't want to miss my wedding for anything in the world. I made sure to set a date that didn't coincide with her giving birth. I also asked her if she would prefer to be a reader instead of BM (if she wanted to avoid the hassle of dress shopping with a newborn, etc) and she said she absolutely wanted to be a bridesmaid. She is traveling half-way across the country with a 2-year-old and a newborn to stand up on my wedding day. So you never know, but certainly talk to her and hear what she has to say!!!
Well, sometimes new parents-to-be underestimate the amount of effort & time a newborn requires. So even if she tells you now that she wants to be involved, really expect nothing from her once the baby is born. Why can't the baby come to your wedding? if you're sticking to not letting the baby come with her, maybe it will be very hard on her. If you need someone to stand up and be a witness, I'm pretty sure she can do that. However, anything more than that would be a strain on a new mother. Also no need to demote anyone. Just promote someone to be a second MOH or something. No need to generate hard feelings over some meaningless titles.
sidenote--lol. Can't you see Kanye popping into the delivery room and interrupting a woman in labor to say something like that? ^_^ The mental image, it tickles me.
I second the talking to her about it. Is there anyone coming with her to the wedding to help out? (The father, her parents, etc.) I know that would be a huge help if she is having to travel. Maybe consider adding another guest or two for her that she is comfortable leaving the baby with while she is in the ceremony and such.
Sorry, I didn't notice where you said the baby couldn't come at all. I think you have to decide how important it is to have your friend there, and whether you are willing to be more flexible on the no baby rule to accomodate her. Maybe she can hold a baby instead of a bouquet lol.
@ pren79: I'm a lil confused on the demoting someone. I had no intentions of demoting anyone. I was just going to ask another close friend to step in if she decides she can't be a bridesmaid.
I'm definitely gonna remain flexible on all things except the baby because my fiance is super serious about no children. If we let one the flood gates will open and no joke, we'd have to add like 50 kids to the list, yikes!
First, I think Pren has a good point. Even if she thinks she can do it now, she might change her mind afterthe baby comes. However, maybe not.
Also, let's do some math. By the time your wedding rolls around, the baby will be 4.5 months (give or take) right? If she wants to attend your wedding, I don't think it's a huge deal for her to let the baby stay with her mom for two nights, even if she's breast feeding. She can use a pump and store milk. Or perhaps the bf can stay home with the baby, instead of attending the wedding. Or really, I think it would be kind if you extended an offer to allow her to bring the baby. I think it would be OK to make an exception for your bridal party. The baby can hang out with her bf for awhile. And really 4.5 month olds, sleep a lot. And if he/she fusses, the bf can take the baby out of the ceremony etc. It might hinge on how supportive this bf is. But I don't think this is necessarily a loss.
lol @kanye comment :)
To me, it sounds like you're being a good friend. You're allowed to be bummed that your friend might not be able to make it. It is a sucky situation. Now if you went all bridezilla on her... not cool. But you just came to WB to vent a little, totally fine.
Unfortunately, you can't predict who is going to be pregnant or have newborns around the time of your wedding (trust me - I keep getting 'wonderful news!' from my bridesmaids and wedding guests). All you can do is stick to your guns about the 'no newborn' policy and respect whatever decision she makes. You still have time, you should just tell her that you still love her and want her there on your day.
Wow, that's a toughy. Talk to her and let her know there is an out if she needs it. I don't know if I'd ask another friend to take her place, but it looks like you have that option. I understand what you mean about not bringing her newborn, for sure... I am pretty much of the opinion that babies don't need to attend weddings (what if the baby is having a screaming fit over your vows? Right next to you, even, if she carried the baby instead of a bouquet, which someone suggested? what a circus!), so I can see why that is not an option. ;)
I think the more flexible you can be with her and the possibility that she may have to step down late in the game, the better it will be for your future friendship. I'd just leave this ball in her court, if I were you.
@Kanye comment, best joke i've heard all day. seriously still LAWLING over here
Like everyone else is saying, you need to talk to her because you deserve to have a realistic plan for your bridal party and what she can/cannot commit to given her pregnancy.
However, I think it's completely unreasonable to expect a new mom to travel to an out-of-town wedding for two nights without her newborn! I can understand still wanting her to be in the wedding if possible, but if it's that important to you then you need to help her find a solution that works for her and her baby as well (help arrange a sitter at the venue?; invite her mom who can help look after the baby?).
I know this is your wedding day and you want things to be just so, but your friend is facing an equally as big (I'd venture bigger) life change as you are, unexpectedly so, and she needs your support right now. I'd be very hurt and royally pissed if I were in her shoes and my friend was only concerned with whether she should have a backup bridesmaid lined up to fill my spot.
Edit: BTW, I'm not suggesting you welcome the newborn to the actual ceremony and/or reception. I agree with the poster above and don't think it's necessary to have screaming babies at a wedding... just saying it would be empathetic of you to find help a solution so that the baby is nearby for mom's peace of mind.
For those who aren't parents, some thoughts.
A 4.5 month old, is really considered a newborn anymore. And 4.5 month olds really aren't old enough to have screamings fits. Unless there is some (probably medical) issue, generally babies this young don't give huge fusses. If they stir or cry, they are easily comforted by being fed or held. Again, they sleep a lot. And again, the bf could easily walk out of the ceremony or skip it, if it was important to her to bring the baby.
I wasn't trying to say the bride should expect her MOH to leave the baby at home. It just might be an option that the MOH is OK with. Who knows, after 4 months of not sleeping, she might welcome a night or two off ;)
@Tanya123: Maybe I meant a crying fit, rather than a screaming one. ;) I'm not a parent but I do have much younger siblings and cousins and I know some of them are much easier to comfort than others.
You all have valid points, I'm glad I brought this up. I know that I can't have babies at the wedding, this isn't my rule but one I agreed to because my family and my fiance's family said NO. However, we are having 2 babysitters and we've rbooked a suite for the folks that can't leave their children at home. I'm not sure if she'll be comfortable leaving a small baby with someone she doesn't know so I never even thought about it. I hope you don't misunderstand me, I'm not only concerned with having an even number of BM's, I chose her because she's a close friend, my old college roommate. I don't want to slight anyone, I just want it to go smoothly for everyone and I don't want her to feel forced into committing to something she's not sure she'll be capable of doing. I wasn't only thinking of the caring for the baby part, I was considering the financial aspect. I can't expect her to have no problem with buying a dress, helping with the shower and paying to stay in another town for 2 nights, ya know? So in the end you're all right, we'll need to talk about it and see what happens :o).
Thanks bee's!
jennifer - good for you for bringing up your honest feelings here vs. to your BM! we all have these types of feelings and you are clearly being a good friend, just also having real feelings :)
Maybe you can find ways to help her out on the financial parts - chiop in for her dress, tell her not to worry about the shower etc....I am sure she would really appreciate it, given that her life has taken a big unexpected turn (and her honest feelings might be envy that you are getting married and she is having a baby with a guy she just started dating....)
If she does decide to come, she might want to bring her mom or someone that she will feel comfortable leaving the baby with while she attends the wedding, and it might be good for her to have that support too since she'll be a brand new mom! But yes, I agree with everyone else, talk to her and see what she feels comfortable with, and maybe she'll still want to participate in the events leading up to the wedding just to still be a part of it all.
My sister will have her new born at my wedding and I am also inviting her mom. See we are half sisters. I'm invivted her mom so my sister will still feel ok to be a bridesmaid.
i just read a very similar post let me see if i can find the link, maybe it will help you
Just in case anyone's curious, the convo goes down tonight.... dun dun duuuuuun
Just playin, wish me luck :o)
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Soooo, my wedding is in 8.5 months and one my BM's is 5 months prego, wth. It was a total accident, she's only been dating this guy for like 6 months. She was so bummed she didn't tell me or anyone else until about a month ago.
I'm a lil annoyed, just with the not knowing, not so much with her. I mean its not like she planned it but um, the newborn can't come lol. I'm just concerned, I have this creeping feeling that she won't be able to make it to the wedding at all. Having a new born and attending a wedding out of town, how does that work? What if she's not comfortable leaving him/her. She won't know she has that maternal issue until 4 months before the wedding then I could be screwed. Ugh, I shouldn't be annoyed! Jeez