- 2 years ago
Hi Bees, so I have been thinking of ways to write this post.. since it can be read in different ways.. My guy and I have been together 1yr 3months today.. We are happy.. and things are going well currently.. but my mind.. my mind is running wild.. We don’t have any major issues.. like cheating.. or anything.. but lately I’ve been thinking about marriage..
No, I don’t want to get married RIGHT NOW.. or in the near NEAR future.. but maybe in a few years or so.. I would like to get engaged if all goes well..
My guy just turned 24 (graudated from college last May, and started a job before leaving for military training), I am 23 and graduated the May before he did and started my job shortly after..
We both live alone and independently.. about 2 hours from each other.. we met shortly after I graduated when he was still finishing school..
Early in our relationship I told him straight up, I liked him but didn’t want to date for fun..or casual.. that I wanted to date with marriage as the goal in mind.. and that if that was too much or too crazy for him that he could leave..
He also knows that becuase he is in the military, I will only date him if he’s serious about us becuase I don’t want to go through LDR and Deployment etc only to be “dating” with no future ahead.. but if I am basically dating my future husband, then I am game for the struggles and obstacles..
He stayed.. said that he believes in marriage and would like to get married one day (didn’t say to me specifically just in general I believe), and that he saw our relationship had potential to end up in marriage one day.. if things continued well.. I thought.. fair enough!
Now, we’ve barely gotten past the one year, I know.. but sometiems my mind likes to think thigns like “well he never said he wanted to marry you..” “maybe he is just playing along to keep you around..” etc etc…
(sidenote: my parents have been together 26 years or so.. have been through A LOT.. alcoholism.. abuse.. cheating, I lived it all with my parents as well. being th eoldest child.. but they are still together.. but not married.. they never got married and doubt they will. For the longest time my mom resented my dad and he would say “next year!” and when I was little I thought omg I will be the flower girl.. “next year”.. next year next year.. finally it got to a point where I stopped believeing him and my mom did too.. and now they don’t really talk about it… for a long time it made me mad for my mom.. but now my dad stopped drinking for years now.. the cheating was overcome.. and really as a family this is the happiest we’ve been in a long time.. it’s like the drama is behind us.. I can’t see them getting married but i can’t see my parents ever separating either…)
Now back to me! haha, I do want marriage. I believe in marraige and would like to get married one day. I don’t want to date someone for fun.. “see where it goes.. ” I want to date with a purpose… and I don’t want to get dragged along for years and then have him not marry me.. and WORSE! leave me and marry the next girl he dates!!
So although, I am not technically “waiting” because I am not currently ready to take that step yet, I do know I want to take him, and when I imagine myself marrying this guy, it makes me very happy… Then it makes me sad.. to think he may not want that.. or be unsure of us..
The other day I asked him.. “I know you say you see a future with me, and can see us getting married one day, not any time soon, which is fine, but one day…; but you’ve never said you WANT to marry me one day, i mean, Do you want to marry me one day??”
At this point he could sense my apprehension and said “Yes.. !!” “My love, I want to be with you.. I don’t think we are “there” yet.. But I do see a future with you, I can see us getting married.. am I happy to picture that? yes! Do I think we will get married anytime soon, no, but I do want to be with you and see a future with you..” and at that time it made sense.. I mean if he could picture us getting married and hated the idea why would he be here right?
BUT.. you know what my brain retained from that convo? (I had to think real hard to all he said!) my brain retained that he didn’t say, ocne again “I WANT TO MARRY YOU ONE DAY”…
Now.. the personality of my guy is.. and he’s told me before.. he doesn’t like to get ahead.. because things can change in life.. he says he wants to take it slow.. (he was in a relationship for 5 years before me.. and I think he’s trying not to rush things..)
He used to be way more clsoed to talking about even hypothetical marriage talk early on.. and even get kinda mad or annoyed if I brought up anything marriage/wedding related.. Now sometimes even he brings it up! like.. if we see a cute idea on TV or FB… he will say “that’s kinda cool.. we should do that if we get married..”.. hence the IF in there.. but it’s progress! I guess a part of my sometimes wishes he would jsut say “when” and not “IF”… becuase when he says if, it makes me feel that he’s not certain.. (not because of money or his job but i think its becuase of our age? but instead of thinking its ok hes not certain because its too soon, my head think hes not certain becaue hes not sure of you!)
I don’t want to ruin this by focusing on marriage.. instead of enjoying my relationship as it is.. especially when I don’t even want a ring anytime soon.. just kind f a “guarantee” that my efforts and time spent here will be worth while..
I also fear that because he knows how serious I am about DATING TO MARRY, that he may just be playhing along.. and maybe he will never be ready.. he has told me “I am NOT ready for that.. I don’t want to get married anytime soon” and I get it, because I AM NOT EITHER, but doens’t mean I cant be certain that i would like it to be him!
Alot of the posts here are genuine bees that ARE waiting.. and I am SEMI-waiting.. it’s like I am waiting on him to be certain of me… saying “I can see us getting married” makes me feel liek hes not certain.. when I type it out it seems silly but in my head I want those words.. “I want to marry you one day” but I don’t think I will hear them until he’s pretty much proposing because I think in his mind, it’s so far away that saying with certainty “I want to” it’s like saying “I will” and it’s too soon to say?
I don’t know.. help bees.. again.. I don’t knwo why I need that guarantee to feel safe.. deep down I know even marriage doesn’t guarantee anything, and some bees are engaged and breakup anyway! I do know my guy loves me, and he has tried time and time again to reassure he me wants to be with me.. but my brain goes “for how long..?” like what the heck!
I don’t go to real life friends with this because I have noticed lately a lot of my friends are kinda “anxious” in nature as well, with a record of believing “guys suck and always watch your back.. dont trust.. ” etc.. I am also the only one in a relationshp.. so my fear is they will think my guy and I are doing awful and put ideas in my head or just feed my anxiety like “well ur right! why doesn’t he just say yes, doesn’t he love you??? maybe he’s trying to keep his options open” etc etc
so I come here becuase you guys seem sane enough hehe 🙂 so bees, how did you handle the “uncertainty” early in your relationship…. and what can I do to be happy JUST dating.. I just don’t want to be led on..
I have decided to STOP bugging my guy about it since he has reassured me he wants to be with me, and the next thing he can really do to reassure me is actually propose! lol which is like whoa! so waht is wrong with me!
- This topic was modified 2 years, 4 months ago by willow_1960.