Post # 1
Long time member, using a new name since this feels too sensitive.
I was wondering if anyone has a sister but DID NOT choose her as the MOH. I have one sister. Our relationship has always been a bit rocky. We tend to do much better over email/phone than in person. She has major self confidence issues, and likes to make herself “feel better” by being snarky, critical, or downright rude to me. She’s also a major drama queen who always wants to be the center of attention and has frequently been known to cause trouble for attention. That said, we do have some happy moments.
I need to start choosing my bridal party, and I don’t know what to do. I feel like it would look very weird to not include her at all and it would look even weirder to have my best friend as MOH and sister as “just” a BM. It seems like if you have a sister, everyone expects her to be an MOH. I thought I had decided to just suck it up and ask her, and was going to do so in person, but the last time I saw her (over the weekend), she was SO downright rude to me that even my FI (normally very easy going and forgiving) was offended.
I think it would probably damage my relationship with her (and possibly my Mom, who expects me to suck it up) if I do NOT choose her, but honestly, I don’t even want her around me on my wedding day.
What’s a bee to do?
Post # 3
well i guess it depends on how bad you feel like making her mad. it doesn’t sound like you’d purposely make her mad, but due to her personality your gonna make her mad no matter what! i would just not ask her to participate, its your day, not hers, and sounds like she will try and make it all about her and only ruin your day.
Post # 4
I would just make her a BM. I have a sister, but my cousin is actually going to be my MOH. Mainly because my sister is not into wedding stuff and would have hated the job, so we just kind of collectively decided being a BM would be good enough. I don’t think people will automatically find it strange though (at least I hope not lol). I think if you have to deal with her annoyances as a BM, it is way better than knowing she is in charge of details like your shower or bachelorette party.
Post # 5
You could just do away with titles all together, and just have everyone be a bridesmaid, or have everyone be a maid of honor. For me, my MOH is my sister, but she’s not doing anything above and beyond as the MOH. I don’t think the titles are that important. But I do think it would definitely cause tension if you didn’t include her at all so I would have her in the bridal party in some way. Good luck!
Post # 6
This is tough- You could make everyone a “Maid of Honor”- that is what my mom did when she married her current husband because she has three daughters and we are all close in age.
Post # 7
I made my sister MOH after my mother decided to give me a guilt trip because she had her sis as MOH, so I had to have mine. My sister has stepped up to the plate though, even though she is 16.
I wish I could make everyone MOH.
Post # 8
I have one sister and we aren’t really close. We only ever talk when we’re both at my mom’s house for holidays or something. My Fi and I decided to just have a Moh and best man, and I decided to pick my best friend. That was about a year ago, and now I really regret it. I feel like this could have been an opportunity to form a better relationship with my sister, but instead I chose an option which would only make us less close. If I could do it over again I would have my best friend as MoH, and my sister as a bridesmaid.
So that would be my advice. You don’t have to have her as your MoH, but I would still put her in the bridal party. Unless you think she’s going to do something crazy like insult the two of you at the wedding and throw a drink on you or something, then you should have her. Just don’t expect too much of her. Have her buy the dress and show up, and leave the rest of your bridal party to plan any events…
Post # 9
I have a friend who is getting married in August and because of her rocky relationship with her sister, she made her a BM and not MOH. Her sister wasn’t offended, because they weren’t close by any means, but wasn’t overly thrilled to be in the wedding party either. Her sister called her a month ago and told her that she didn’t feel “right” standing in her wedding because she “is having marital problems and can’t support a marriage that could turn out like hers”. In other words, she didn’t want to be in the wedding party to begin with, and was using this excuse as a way out (there were many other remarks said and things done prior, this isn’t just an assumption I’m making about my friend’s sister’s choice to drop out).
I voted to not make her the MOH or a BM and to give her another role. If I’ve learned anything from my friend’s experience, and reading these boards, it’s that you should choose a wedding party that is going to want to be there!
Best of luck with making the decision!
Post # 10
I was MoH in my best friend’s wedding and her sister was a BM. She didn’t seem to care – they aren’t close so I don’t think she expected the position.
A friend of mine recently had ‘co-MoHs’ because her mom said her sister HAD TO BE a MoH but she wanted her BFF to be it too.. That’s a possibility.
Post # 11
Thanks for the advice so far bees! This decision actually causes me so much stress that I’ve contemplated not doing a formal wedding or doing a wedding with no bridal party just to avoid dealing with it.
I just hate how I have to walk on eggshells around her all the time and she could just explode at any moment. To give an example of how extreme it is, my mom and I were picking something out online a few years ago for me. I think she was jealous that my mom wasn’t paying attention to her at that exact moment (even though they see each other all the time and my mom does everything for her). She came over and asked if we wanted her opinion. All I said (in a neutral or even pleasant tone) was “no thanks, we’re close to picking it out” and she EXPLODED…screamed at me & mom for about half an hour, stormed out of the house and drove back to her apartment. Sadly, this is not atypical. And she’s so unpredictable!
Post # 12
Holy overreaction batman! She yelled for half an hour? I’m hesitant to say this, but if she’s that irrational on a regular basis, maybe she has some deeper issue than being too much of an attention hog…
Post # 13
I’m quite sure this varies by family and by individual, but I’ll just throw out there—I have a sister, and she’s getting married next year. We’re not close, and haven’t been since we were tiny. (She’s awesome and I enjoy hanging out with her, but we live thousands of miles apart, rarely see each other, and only talk or email infrequently, so we’re just not that up on each other’s lives.)
I would absolutely NOT expect her to ask me to be MOH—because I’m not by any stretch of the imagination her closest female friend, and I feel like that role should be reserved for someone who is, not for someone who gets it by default. In fact, I would not be surprised if she didn’t ask me to be a BM, either, simply because I know she has lots of girlfriends she’d like to ask. (That’s not to say I wouldn’t be delighted and honored to play that role—but it’s certainly not a given, and I would not be at all slighted or offended if she chose otherwise.)
So I don’t think it’s at all unreasonable to choose someone else—and in fact I think it’s far more appropriate. (But I can also entirely believe there are families in which this would be a major faux pas….again, just depends.)
ETA: Oh, and we’re not doing a wedding party at all for our wedding, so no MOH to start with!
Also, who is your FI having as his best man? When my parents got married years ago, they each had their best friends as MOH and BM, and then the bridesmaids and groomsmen were siblings and one other friend each. I always thought it was a really nice balance; if FI doesn’t have a brother or isn’t having him as BM, you could always use that as the explanation.
Post # 14
@greenleafmountain Exactly! And you’re right…it’s more than she’s an attention hog. She really lacks self-confidence and has some other issues it’s well past time she dealt with. Not to sound unsympathetic, but both of us had a childhood that involved a trauma, and somehow, I manage to not vent my rage on everyone around me.
@oakster Thanks so much for the perspective from the other side! That’s so helpful to know.
@everyone–thanks for all of the insight & advice.
Post # 15
@bloodgo1 I just want to clarify, I don’t necessarily think it is strange (and don’t think your choice of your cousin is strange), but I’m just worried that that is how my family will see it.
Post # 16
I am in my sister’s wedding this year, we are a close family, and her best friend is her MOH (my younger sister and I are both bridesmaids). I wasn’t offended at all – and she is my MOH for my wedding that is the month before hers! And my mom actually said prior to her getting engaged “she HAS to have BFF as her MOH, they have been friends for so long”, so I think my family just expected it to be this way. I also have a friend getting married soon and her sister isn’t even in the wedding (they are not close), and another friend who got married last year that had her one sister as MOH and her other sister just did a reading.
I think you can always tell a white lie and say something like “Being a MOH is so much work, I wanted you to just be able to relax more and enjoy the wedding”, rather than telling her she is “just a bridesmaid”. Or you could also make them joint MOHs, and tell BFF in private you only did it for your sister’s feelings and have her just perform the MOH duties.