Post # 1
We are on a tiny budget and I am trying to save little bits here and there.
I’ve heard that the proper etiquette is to send an individual invitation to any "child" over 18 years old.
Well I have a bunch of cousins (18) and most of them are over that age and don’t even live at home anymore. The thing is they are all in France, and I know it’s unlikely most of them will be able to make it because of the cost of a plane ticket+accomodation+++
So my thought was: since they are unlikely to make it anyway, I’ll just send one invitation per family address to where my aunt and uncle live and with the name of each of my cousins written on it.
What’s your opinion on it? Would you be offended if your cousin sent a global invitation to your parent’s household?
Post # 3
FI has aunts and uncles and cousins in Mexico and we are doing the exact same thing! It is a way to save on postage and headaches too. At this point they are all over the place in Mexico and it was hard enough to get his aunts and uncles addys. I can not imagine trying to get a hold of his cousins. Plus most of them do not speak English, so FMIL would have to call and speak to them in Spanish and "hunt" them down.
Post # 4
- Wedding: June 2007 - Bride's family summer home in the Adirondacks
Yep, that’s what we did for anyone up through college age and/or living with their parents. Our random cousins aren’t going to be super excited to get an invite at their college post office, and we figured their parents were just going to do the planning for whether or not they could come anyway! We also did it for one or two college graduates who we don’t keep in touch with on an individual basis, since we were really just inviting "the family" and knew they wouldn’t drive up by themselves unless their parents/siblings came. No one seemed offended in the least. 🙂
Post # 5
We are sending separate invitations to adult children living on their own. We are not sending separate invitations to adult children living with their parents (a separate issue, occasionally hotly debated on this site). Your issue is a little different – should you send an invitation to somebody you strongly suspect won’t attend. I think this is actually a separate issue from whether they are your cousins, or where they live.
I am actually not in favor of sending invitations to people who clearly won’t attend, primarily because most people feel like receiving an invitation obligates them to send a gift. In that respect, sending invitations to people who won’t attend can be a little like trolling for presents. I actually have several cousins who live in the US Virgin Islands, and was not sure they would come – I just wrote them a separate note, a little before I sent STDs, letting them know when the wedding was and that I would be happy if they could make it but would understand if they couldn’t. They actually all wrote back to say of course they would be there – they were planning on visiting sometime this year anyway, so would just make it during the month of my wedding.
So, to answer your question – yes, I would be offended. I’m not sure how their living in France is any different than living in Hawaii, or in Seattle. I think that if you want to invite them, you send them invitations. If you don’t really want to invite them, don’t. If you’re just including them to be polite, maybe consider sending an announcement after the fact.
Post # 6
Well, I wouldn’t be offended, but i wouldn’t send you a gift if you couldn’t send me a personal card. No offense, but no gift.
(ok, I guess that means that I would be slightly offended) By sending them an invitation, you are saying, I know you can’t make it, but we do wish that you were here. That would make me feel wanted, and I would kindly send you a cash gift to help the new happy couple in thier new lives. And i would feel closer to you because of that.
Post # 7
Well I would be inviting them, but I would join their names to the ones of their parents at their parent’s address.
I’m not skipping them, I’m more like grouping names together.
Example: One of my aunt and uncles have 4 children age ranging from 27 to 22 or so. I don’t even know where each of of them live and I know they all come home from time to time, so I’ll be sending one invitation addressed to: my aunt, my uncle and my four cousins all together.
I know some people won’t be able to make it as they already mentionned it, but because they are aunt and uncles and I care about them I will send them and invitation anyway (and their children/my cousins, might be able to come anyway).
Post # 8
It’s kind of like sending a Christmas card to their parents with all their names, even though they don’t live there. So I guess when their folks call at Christmas, they can say "Oh, MrsFroggy says Merry Christmas." But if you really felt strongly about express the sentiment, you would find their address and send the card to them directly.
It sounds like the people you really feel strongly about inviting are the aunts and uncles, and not actually the cousins, who you haven’t seen in years and are not actually that sure where exactly they live. That’s certainly understandable. So including the kids names on the invitation is maybe more of a nod to your aunts and uncles than anything else, and also your way of saying that you certainly don’t object if your cousins show up, but don’t really care that much either way.
I actually didn’t invite most of my cousins anyway – only the ones I actually consider to be friends, which is not many. I did invite all my aunts and uncles. We have a limited budget and a small venue, so in fact I don’t have room for cousins that I’m not that close to. And it’s no secret in any family that some cousins are friends too, and some just share some common genetics and occasionally see each other at family reunions.
It sounds like you’ve actually already made up your mind, which is just fine. Just like I can’t invite all my cousins, you can afford a limited amount of invitations. It’s certainly not absolutely correct from an etiquette standpoint, but you’re not sending invitations to dinner at the White House, so I don’t think that’s a big issue. And some cousins will be insulted, some won’t care, most won’t come, and maybe your aunts and uncles will feel nice that you included the kids (or maybe not, you would know best). So if you think it’s appropriate in your family, I would totally go for it. Probably the best judge of that is your mom – when I want to know what my aunts/uncles/cousins are going to get upset about or be just fine with, I always ask my mom.
Post # 9
Thanks Suzanno, You have a great idea when it comes to asking my mom. Hopefully she can help and advise knowing the family better.
The thing is I’m in touch with several of my cousins, the reason I haven’t seen them and have a hard time keeping track is that I’m in the US and I haven’t been able to go back to France and the family meeting in over 3 years now (for the meetings) and 2 for France in general.
I like how everyone explained how they would take it, it definitely makes me think about it. Thank you very much.
Post # 10
I’m sending them per family…with the number of reserved seats so that they don’t think 1 invite is good for 10 people! lol.
Post # 11
Looks like I’m in the minority, but I was really annoyed to not get an invitation to my cousin’s wedding. None of my sisters live at my parents home, and none of us got invitations. It would have been really nice to have that piece of cardstock to give me the location and time for both the ceremony and the reception, especially since they didn’t have a website.
In short, I wasn’t insulted, but I really could have used that information on a physical paper, to refer to later and bring with me the day of. Also, if it’s relevent, our ages were 19, 23, 23, and 25.
Post # 12
I guess your family situation matters…. I know my aunts and uncles will tell my cousins…my cousins will stay at their house and then come out together…whether they live with each other or not…none of my cousins would come on their own first and meet their family at the wedding.