(Closed) Not sending invitations to grown up children

posted 10 years ago in Paper
Post # 3
Member
12 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: September 2008

FI has aunts and uncles and cousins in Mexico and we are doing the exact same thing! It is a way to save on postage and headaches too. At this point they are all over the place in Mexico and it was hard enough to get his aunts and uncles addys. I can not imagine trying to get a hold of his cousins. Plus most of them do not speak English, so FMIL would have to call and speak to them in Spanish and "hunt" them down.

Post # 4
Member
105 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2007 - Bride's family summer home in the Adirondacks

Yep, that’s what we did for anyone up through college age and/or living with their parents.  Our random cousins aren’t going to be super excited to get an invite at their college post office, and we figured their parents were just going to do the planning for whether or not they could come anyway!  We also did it for one or two college graduates who we don’t keep in touch with on an individual basis, since we were really just inviting "the family" and knew they wouldn’t drive up by themselves unless their parents/siblings came.  No one seemed offended in the least. 🙂

Post # 5
Member
2293 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2008

We are sending separate invitations to adult children living on their own.  We are not sending separate invitations to adult children living with their parents (a separate issue, occasionally hotly debated on this site).  Your issue is a little different – should you send an invitation to somebody you strongly suspect won’t attend.  I think this is actually a separate issue from whether they are your cousins, or where they live.

I am actually not in favor of sending invitations to people who clearly won’t attend, primarily because most people feel like receiving an invitation obligates them to send a gift.  In that respect, sending invitations to people who won’t attend can be a little like trolling for presents.  I actually have several cousins who live in the US Virgin Islands, and was not sure they would come – I just wrote them a separate note, a little before I sent STDs, letting them know when the wedding was and that I would be happy if they could make it but would understand if they couldn’t.  They actually all wrote back to say of course they would be there – they were planning on visiting sometime this year anyway, so would just make it during the month of my wedding. 

So, to answer your question – yes, I would be offended.  I’m not sure how their living in France is any different than living in Hawaii, or in Seattle.  I think that if you want to invite them, you send them invitations.  If you don’t really want to invite them, don’t.  If you’re just including them to be polite, maybe consider sending an announcement after the fact.

Post # 6
Member
305 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2008

Well, I wouldn’t be offended, but i wouldn’t send you a gift if you couldn’t send me a personal card.  No offense, but no gift. 
(ok, I guess that means that I would be slightly offended)  By sending them an invitation, you are saying, I know you can’t make it, but we do wish that you were here.  That would make me feel wanted, and I would kindly send you a cash gift to help the new happy couple in thier new lives.  And i would feel closer to you because of that.

Post # 8
Member
2293 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2008

It’s kind of like sending a Christmas card to their parents with all their names, even though they don’t live there.  So I guess when their folks call at Christmas, they can say "Oh, MrsFroggy says Merry Christmas."  But if you really felt strongly about express the sentiment, you would find their address and send the card to them directly.

It sounds like the people you really feel strongly about inviting are the aunts and uncles, and not actually the cousins, who you haven’t seen in years and are not actually that sure where exactly they live.  That’s certainly understandable.  So including the kids names on the invitation is maybe more of a nod to your aunts and uncles than anything else, and also your way of saying that you certainly don’t object if your cousins show up, but don’t really care that much either way. 

I actually didn’t invite most of my cousins anyway – only the ones I actually consider to be friends, which is not many.  I did invite all my aunts and uncles.  We have a limited budget and a small venue, so in fact I don’t have room for cousins that I’m not that close to.  And it’s no secret in any family that some cousins are friends too, and some just share some common genetics and occasionally see each other at family reunions.

It sounds like you’ve actually already made up your mind, which is just fine.  Just like I can’t invite all my cousins, you can afford a limited amount of invitations.  It’s certainly not absolutely correct from an etiquette standpoint, but you’re not sending invitations to dinner at the White House, so I don’t think that’s a big issue.  And some cousins will be insulted, some won’t care, most won’t come, and maybe your aunts and uncles will feel nice that you included the kids (or maybe not, you would know best).  So if you think it’s appropriate in your family, I would totally go for it.  Probably the best judge of that is your mom – when I want to know what my aunts/uncles/cousins are going to get upset about or be just fine with, I always ask my mom.

Post # 10
Member
329 posts
Helper bee
  • V
  • 10 years ago

I’m sending them per family…with the number of reserved seats so that they don’t think 1 invite is good for 10 people! lol.

Post # 11
Member
5 posts
Newbee

Looks like I’m in the minority, but I was really annoyed to not get an invitation to my cousin’s wedding.  None of my sisters live at my parents home, and none of us got invitations.  It would have been really nice to have that piece of cardstock to give me the location and time for both the ceremony and the reception, especially since they didn’t have a website. 

In short, I wasn’t insulted, but I really could have used that information on a physical paper, to refer to later and bring with me the day of. Also, if it’s relevent, our ages were 19, 23, 23, and 25.

Post # 12
Member
329 posts
Helper bee
  • V
  • 10 years ago

I guess your family situation matters…. I know my aunts and uncles will tell my cousins…my cousins will stay at their house and then come out together…whether they live with each other or not…none of my cousins would come on their own first and meet their family at the wedding.

 

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