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I don't think your request is anything out of the ordinary. You have a right to privacy about your OWN life. This is what marriage is. You stand up and you show up for the person you married. I'm sure there will come a day when he asks something of you that you don't 100% agree with, but you do it because it means a lot to the other person and you stand by them no matter what. This might be his first marriage lesson that he needs to learn.
And by the way, calling it abusive is so over the top.
No. But he should be allowed to talk to someone. If you're going to put certain people as off limits then try suggesting a counselor or a clergy person at your church or something. Personally, I don't want my husband talking to his family when we have trouble, but I just let him do it. His mom's only advice to him about anything ever is always "just lie to her, tell her this ____" and eventually he told me he didn't like telling her anything because he hates how much she lies and doesn't like that that's the only advice he can get from her. Your issues are situational and something a lot of married couples could relate to, why not just let him talk about it and see how he actually likes them knowing his business? They may be supportive and helpful, or they may be a pain in the butt about it and he'll stop wanting to tell them things.
The thing is, you really have nothing to be ashamed of. You're going through something right now and his family could end up being a support system to help you through it. If telling his sister turns out to have a negative impact, it's his responsibility as your husband to stick up for you.
I don't think your request is unreasonable. My H and I made the same agreement before we got married that we wouldn't discuss our arguments with family. While I understand him needing to talk to someone, the problem with talking to a family member is that they will remember these issues long after you overcome them. If he isn't comfortable talking to friends about this, maybe you could suggest an online forum or counselor for spouses affected by depression
I agree that personal issues should not be discussed with family members. Maybe the two of you can see a couselor together. It would help with your depression and give hime somebody to talk to .
I agree with missmaine that calling that abuse is way over the top.
@Moja Milosc: No you're right. He should be able to talk to someone. Which is why I suggested his friends. We didn't really do pre-marital counseling, but now I want us to talk to someone about our communication so it's a bit more clear. I've told him he could talk to the therapist about it. We should be starting that in the next week or so.
My concern is that his family is a tad on the meddling side. We got new bedding and she emailed me about not throwing away the old comforter. We sent out announcements and she emailed me to tell me what pictures I should choose. Their first visit to our house I had to to leave for business on Sunday morning and they stayed until Monday night. When I got back they had left a card and on the inside she wrote how she hopes she won't have to do so much work the next time (they didn't do anything while I was there...this was cleaning and organizing they did after I left - I had been living there a week btw at this point). He's said his mom asked him on that same trip what I do around the house. Our house is always clean btw, because of me. So I have good reason, which he has helped me to be paranoid about, to think they won't be as supportive as he's thinking. I'm sure I could be over reacting because I'm not in the best place emotionally, but I know he wouldn't want me telling my parents how I have a hard time talking to him because he thinks he's always right and likes to scream when we argue, making me feel uncomfortable. These are all issues we're working on, but I don't feel are our parents business. And he admitted to me last night he wants his mom to justify how he feels... I've told him I KNOW this is hard for him too and I KNOW I'm not able to give him everything he needs right now, but that I'm trying the best I can. I try justifying his feelings, but that doesn't help. It's like his needs to be able to say to me that his mom agrees that I'm being unreasonable.
It's absolutely none of their business and your husband should respect that. I'm glad you guys are seeing a therapist. I also recommend individual therapy so that he can say the things he wants to say to his sister.
FI and I are still working on this. I have a minor form of a digestive disorder that can be very uncomfortable. FI used to tell his parents that it was acting up. I was mortified. His parents do not need to know what's going on in my intestines. In the same way you want, "She's having an adjustment period" I want, "She's feeling under the weather." His parents are nosey and meddling as well.
@MrsProf: Gotcha. If they won't step up and try to be supportive of you in this then I agree they're not people to involve.
And he admitted to me last night he wants his mom to justify how he feels...
As I was reading how his mom acts I was thinking hmm... I think he just wants to complain to someone who will side with him haha. At least he acknowledges that he doesn't have the best of intentions. That's great that you're going to counseling, they usually validate both people's feelings so he'll hopefully get what he needs there.
She sounds awful! Ugh, I'm sorry. And why does he need his mother to justify his feelings? This doesn't sound like a great situation, but you definitely aren't the one doing anything wrong here.
@msfahrenheit: This! Also, as an semi-related add-on, we also agree that it is important not to talk about how frustrating the one family is to the other. (like "DH's family seem so unreasable sometimes" or "LW's family is so over-bearing!") We find that the two families tend to cling to that type of stuff, but not necessarily cling to the resolution if/when we tell them about it.
We also both have outlets with certain friends who are willing to lend an ear. Our friends also tend to relate and be non-judgemental when we need to vent. (Part of the reason we love them!)
Totally agree with @msfahrenheit and @SutSip. The reason he prefers to talk to his mom (because she'll take his side and validate his feelings) is the very reason he shouldn't, because it will gradually change the way she sees you. Is he calling his mom every time you do something nice for him? If not, she is only hearing the bad/annoying things, with no good things to balance it out.
So yes, I think it's just fine not to discuss your personal details with family members. Of course this goes for both families. And calling this request abusive is really too much. You are not trying to isolate him from his family, you are just asking him to exercise some good judgment in the kinds of things he discusses.
Now that you're married, you are your husband's family, and his first priority should be to care for you and support you through a hard time, NOT go whining to his mother that your new marriage isn't all rainbows and roses.
I hope things get better for you! Transitions can be rough but I'm glad you're seeking therapy and hope it helps.
I definitely agree that talking to family about wedding problems is a no-no. In fact in my marriage talking to anyone about personal problems is a no-no. I suppose if things got really bad we would follow the previous posters advice and seek a counselor. I just cannot think of a single situation in which sharing your marital problems with others turns out well. You and your husband share the day to day with each other, it is a relationship that cannot be explained or understood from outside, and you will make up with your husband but not with whoever his confidant was.
It sounds like your DH needs to start learning what to and what not to share with his family. Going to them with his problems with you is not going to help your relationship with them.
I don't think what you are asking is 'abuse' and would find it offensive he would call it that.
I can understand that he feels a need to vent/get support from others, but not when it's detrimental to you and your relationship with them.
IMO, he's not being respectful in doing that. Sure, his needs may be getting met, but it's at the expense of you.
I think if the two of you can't work through problems and he has to seek outside support, than perhaps a MFT might be a good place to start.
I dont think this is abusive or out of the ordinary. My FI and I fought a lot during the 2nd year of our relationship about what we should and shouldn't share with our families. It took a while but we finally have a boundary that we are comfortable with. I know in my case, I stopped wanting his family to have any details about me beyond what I decide to tell them.
I don't think it's a problem at all... I've had a little of this problem lately! My FI tells his mom everything and he went through a few days that he just wanted to get away from the wedding talk and told his mom, then my MOH (his sister) and I went down to see her parents for a weekend a couple of weeks ago. While we were there a few family issues blew up and she got into a fight with her mom about her dad while I was around. Instead of taking the blame for the fight or blaming their dad (Who MOH was actually angry about) she decided that I was stressing the two of them out too much about the wedding and that stress caused her to blow up about her dad.. REALLY?! I have always loved FMIL and she really is a great person, but this hurts alot! I have had a few discussion with FI about what we need to tell his parents from now on...
I don't think your requests are unreasonable at all. I for one would be very uncomfortable if I knew DH was talking about our relationship problems with those outside of our home. A trusted, mature friend... sure. But family? No. I don't think him bringing that up with meddling in-laws will help.Although God knows he may not see them as anything but kind, helpful people... I get what you're saying and where you are coming from. I've been through a lot with my in-laws but my husband sometimes doesn't see how manipulative and downright pushy they are. They are not the kind of people I want in my life or our children's lives.
I've actually been dealing with a lot of the issues you've mentioned, being depressed feeling like that is tearing our relationship up a bit, DH has very few friends to count on and none who know of these things. Feel free to PM me if you want.
Also, if you want to share some of the feelings/dissapointment with the wedding, I'd understand too.... it's been hard for me as my wedding was not a day I'd like to remember, either.
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Hi Bees,
I've been married a month now and living with my husband since September. This past weekend we were having a heated conversation. I'm dealing with some depression from the let down of the wedding, moving to a small town, quitting my job, and having no friends and not getting to see my family as much. It's situational. I've gone through this a couple times before and know that even with medication it takes me a good 6 months to a year to adjust and get out of this funk.
While in this coversation I asked him to not share the details of our arguments or how hard things are right now because of my depression with his parents. I told him I didn't care if he wanted to talk to a friend, but family should be off limits. He doesn't understand this. I explained that if he talks to his mom about how he feels his needs aren't being met right now because of where I"m at mentally/emotionally that she COULD start looking at me differently. I already don't feel hugely welcomed, and he's told me a few things they've asked about me...so it's almost like he's had to justify who I am to them.
He told me more than once this weeekend that me asking him to not share personal details with his parents is me being abusive. Is this being abusive? To me that seems like a far stretch. I said he could say that I'm having a hard time adjusting and am dealing with some depression but inapporopriate would be "I can't deal with her sometimes. She's so unloving and I feel like I can't talk to her."
He swears up and down and that he can't talk to his friends about these things because they won't hear it. He wants to talk to his sister about it...I restated my concern and he swears she won't be like this. I had to remind him of the stories of her hating his ex-gfs because they weren't being how she thought they should be. He doesn't see this as a concern.
So, bees...am I being abusive with my request?