(Closed) Not sure about asking one friend to be a BM…very torn

posted 6 years ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 3
Member
6065 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: January 2012

I was actually thinking of writing a post today warning bees to be VERY careful when choosing their wedding party.

I made a quick decision and I wish I only had one maid of honor instead of two. I won’t get into my own dilemma, but I can say this- you want to reduce the level of drama during your wedding planning as much as possible.

If there is any way for you to make up some kind of reason for her not being a bridesmaid- (maybe that you and FI only wanted a set of two bridesmaids/groomsman), etc- and then give her some other kind of job to do…

I would advise you put your own wishes ahead of hers because wedding planning is stressful enough…it helps when your wedding party stays low maintenance.

How do you feel she would react at not being a bridemaid?

Post # 5
Member
3943 posts
Honey bee

@WolvLove: Is your wedding in 2013? If so, I would definetly hold off on asking your bridal party. Friendships can change SOO much and you have no idea if youll still be friends with this girl in 2 years. I would wait atleast a year before making a decision.

Post # 7
Member
1160 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

Yes definitely wait awhile. But if she would be really hurt as you suspect, then you should err on the side of inclusion. Yea, it is likely you will get frustrated with her, or others will, but that stuff will be easier since you know what to expect.

Her: “Oh gosh, I have sooooo much money, I will buy the MOST EXPENSIVE SHOES IN THE WORLD to go with my BM dress.”

You: [private eye roll] “OK. knock yourself out! I’m sure they’ll look great.”

Sounds to me she sounds just a little dense, not malicious or drama-hungry. If she starts to get annoying, then you don’t have to involve her in every little thing. And hey, since she’s so rich, maybe she can pay for everyone at the bachelorette!! LOL.

Post # 8
Member
131 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: January 2016

This is tough, but unless you think it would really truly throw a damper on your wedding, I would probably say to include her.  A certain amount of irritation is just inherent with managing a bunch of different personalities at a wedding, and ultimately, it sounds like she is a very good friend to you, and your friendship and the potential implications of your decision will last far beyond your wedding day.  If she was truly a “toxic” friend my advice would be different but that isn’t how it sounded from your post.  

 

Post # 9
Member
515 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

I had to go through the same thing. My “Jane” was the same way and we actually had some issues with her wedding where she basically told me I wasn’t financially able to be in her wedding after she has asked me to be her maid of honor (when I was and had been saving up money for her Jamaica wedding) so needless to say we arent as CLOSE as we should be. I decided to only make the people that are truly close to me and my FI relationship to be in the wedding party (only 3 girls) and I made  “Jane” and 3 of my other close friends Honorary Bridesmaids. They all have the same dress and will walk in when the honored guest walk in. That way they are a special party of it but not the actual wedding party.

 

Just an idea if you want to include her without offending her by not being in the wedding party.

Post # 10
Member
6065 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: January 2012

@WolvLove: I can see how difficult this decision is for you…

If you include her to avoid hurt feelings…how irritating do you think she could be? If it’s a little bit that could be ignored..go ahead. If you think she could potentially give you a lot of headaches…I would say think twice.

Good luck!

Post # 11
Member
412 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

I would just think really carefully about it!  I had a “friend” who assumed she would be in the wedding who sounds similar to yours- she’s a little oblivious to what comes out of her mouth and is constantly talking about the money she has to spend on things.  Anyway, I decided not to have her as a BM and asked her to do a reading instead.  She threw a tantrum, wrote things about me on fb, etc just reaffirming the fact that she was kind of a crappy friend to begin with.  I’d say if your gut says not to put her in it, don’t do it, but if you feel like you want her there you’re just worried about things she might say, just warn your other girls (and guy) of the situation and I’m sure they’ll understand.  Good luck!

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