Post # 1
So I have 4 girls (one being FI’s sister) and one really close guy friend that I just CAN NOT imagine not being there on my special day. (total of 5 in the bridal party as of right now)…Then there is one more girlfriend who is part of a group of four of us that became close in college. (Two of those four girls are for sure BMs and one is myself leaving let’s call her…Jane).
So I love “Jane” and have a wonderful time with her always, however she is definitely the type of person that doesn’t realize what she says or how she says it can affect other people. So for example in front of a close friend of mine who works for AmeriCorps (i.e. makes NO money) she was talking on and on and on about how money doesn’t matter to her anymore etc etc because she got a big NYC firm job and how she is just going to blow her paycheck to go to Italy and buy some $1,000 shoes etc. However, she doesn’t do it maliciously she truly just doesn’t realize the side effects of her actions.
Any who, I am so so so torn on whether to have her as a bridesmaid. I’m concerned that some of her personality traits will leave me irritated throughout the whole process and certainly on my wedding day….but she is such a good friend and was so excited when we got engaged despite the fact that her relationship was falling apart so she is definitely able to put others first if it’s their special moment….
I also am sensing that she is sort of expecting to be in the wedding so I know she would be crushed if my other two college friends were and she isn’t….HELP BEES!! has anyone gone through a similar situation? What ended up happening if you did or did not ask the friend you were hesitating on to be a BM??
Post # 3
I was actually thinking of writing a post today warning bees to be VERY careful when choosing their wedding party.
I made a quick decision and I wish I only had one maid of honor instead of two. I won’t get into my own dilemma, but I can say this- you want to reduce the level of drama during your wedding planning as much as possible.
If there is any way for you to make up some kind of reason for her not being a bridesmaid- (maybe that you and FI only wanted a set of two bridesmaids/groomsman), etc- and then give her some other kind of job to do…
I would advise you put your own wishes ahead of hers because wedding planning is stressful enough…it helps when your wedding party stays low maintenance.
How do you feel she would react at not being a bridemaid?
Post # 4
Evie I think she would be very very very hurt. Luckily, I have a long engagement so I can wait to ask everyone but seeing as the dynamics have been the same for the past 4 years I don’t see them changing much.
She is also the type of person that just wants to be included in everything so I think she would be doubly hurt 1. that she’s not in it and 2. that she’s not in it because others are… :/
Post # 5
@WolvLove: Is your wedding in 2013? If so, I would definetly hold off on asking your bridal party. Friendships can change SOO much and you have no idea if youll still be friends with this girl in 2 years. I would wait atleast a year before making a decision.
Post # 6
@Bostongrl25: Yeah I’m for sure holding off…it’s just gotten to the point where some girls like my obvious MOH etc will make comments like “do not make me wear something like that…” joking around and it’s super awkward when she does it because I don’t know how to react.
I agree that friendships can change but we’ve all been out of school for quite some time now and spread around the country and have remained the same dynamics etc so while I’m still waiting to ask…I’m almost 100% positive it will be the same dilemma. Also I think the fact that I will see her in the next couple weeks while we’re both visiting our school for a football game that it may come up and while I won’t ask or not ask I just want to be prepared in my mind for how to react based on what I anticipate my decision to be?
I know it’s crazy I just don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings unnecessarily! 🙂
Post # 7
Yes definitely wait awhile. But if she would be really hurt as you suspect, then you should err on the side of inclusion. Yea, it is likely you will get frustrated with her, or others will, but that stuff will be easier since you know what to expect.
Her: “Oh gosh, I have sooooo much money, I will buy the MOST EXPENSIVE SHOES IN THE WORLD to go with my BM dress.”
You: [private eye roll] “OK. knock yourself out! I’m sure they’ll look great.”
Sounds to me she sounds just a little dense, not malicious or drama-hungry. If she starts to get annoying, then you don’t have to involve her in every little thing. And hey, since she’s so rich, maybe she can pay for everyone at the bachelorette!! LOL.
Post # 8
This is tough, but unless you think it would really truly throw a damper on your wedding, I would probably say to include her. A certain amount of irritation is just inherent with managing a bunch of different personalities at a wedding, and ultimately, it sounds like she is a very good friend to you, and your friendship and the potential implications of your decision will last far beyond your wedding day. If she was truly a “toxic” friend my advice would be different but that isn’t how it sounded from your post.
Post # 9
I had to go through the same thing. My “Jane” was the same way and we actually had some issues with her wedding where she basically told me I wasn’t financially able to be in her wedding after she has asked me to be her maid of honor (when I was and had been saving up money for her Jamaica wedding) so needless to say we arent as CLOSE as we should be. I decided to only make the people that are truly close to me and my FI relationship to be in the wedding party (only 3 girls) and I made “Jane” and 3 of my other close friends Honorary Bridesmaids. They all have the same dress and will walk in when the honored guest walk in. That way they are a special party of it but not the actual wedding party.
Just an idea if you want to include her without offending her by not being in the wedding party.
Post # 10
@WolvLove: I can see how difficult this decision is for you…
If you include her to avoid hurt feelings…how irritating do you think she could be? If it’s a little bit that could be ignored..go ahead. If you think she could potentially give you a lot of headaches…I would say think twice.
Post # 11
I would just think really carefully about it! I had a “friend” who assumed she would be in the wedding who sounds similar to yours- she’s a little oblivious to what comes out of her mouth and is constantly talking about the money she has to spend on things. Anyway, I decided not to have her as a BM and asked her to do a reading instead. She threw a tantrum, wrote things about me on fb, etc just reaffirming the fact that she was kind of a crappy friend to begin with. I’d say if your gut says not to put her in it, don’t do it, but if you feel like you want her there you’re just worried about things she might say, just warn your other girls (and guy) of the situation and I’m sure they’ll understand. Good luck!