- Blog
- Bios
- Boards
- Classifieds
- DIY
- Gallery
- Vendor Reviews
- Shop Weddingbee
Weddingbee boards
Well, hubs and I discussed these kinds of things very early on, so we knew that we wanted similar things in life. We aren't really the best match on paper, but we work together towards common goals, and want the same end result, so I honestly don't care what a piece of paper would say. ( I say this because we are both really different people, with very different backgrounds, but we both want the same things out of life)
If I were you, I would ask him to independently put a rough plan in place. Where does he see himself in 5 years? 10 years? When does he want to retire? What is his career goals? Where does he want to retire? Kids, if so, how many??
You should both answer these questions, then come together to discuss them. That will help you guys decide whether a future together will work or not
we have discussed those things, and they don't really match up. We've been very honest with each other in the last few months, but had I known his views on things when we first met, and if he had known mine, I'm not sure we would be together now. It's embarrassing how long we waited to talk about important things - and this is one of my concerns. I am also to blame for that as well, I think we probably both made assumptions about each other. But I look at him and some of his qualities and really don't think I would be very happy to be with someone like him - not because he's a bad person, I think he will be a great husband and father to someone but not to someone like me. I feel at the moment like I'm settling, which is a horrible thing to say. Instead of feeling excited and happy about our future together, I'm dreading it. and that I don't think is normal cold feet. Or am i wrong?
@MrsSl82be: Very sensible advice.
@londongal: Start by talking to him. That's free. Own what you feel, and try not to be mean or nitpicky when you have this conversation. Say things like, "I feel X when you do Y." and "I am concerned that we aren't on the same page regarding X". That's the sort of stuff that a counselor has you do, verbalize your concerns to the other person, acting as a mediator.
Maybe there are things that concern him too, a good long talk will definitely help.
Well, I think the most important problem in your relationship right now (which is pretty universal) is communication. You never discussed ANYTHING important so how can you know enough about eachother to make the VERY IMPORTANT decision to spend your lives together? I really think you need to work on your communication skills and also focus on important issues that make or break relationships all around the globe. I think you need to sit down and write out your goals.. objectives.. life plans.. and then you can compare the two. I am sure just doing this would spark some really intense conversations. Before FI and I got together.. (and even now).. we had major problems with FI's parents... I didn't like his reactions and this made me question if I was always going to be second place in my future husband's life.. Luckily we have great communication and I put my foot down.. said enough was enough and FI knew I was serious. He made the choice to make me number one and we have been great ever since. So yes, I questioned having FI in my life.. but our communication brought us through and we stayed together.. later got engaged and will be wed next year :)
I think your fears are very valid, this IS your whole life you are talking about! I think that yes, you should have talked about this a lot sooner, but the important thing is, you ARE talking about it now. I fully believe that when you marry, you marry for life. If you honestly believe that you are settling, then please don't marry him. You two really need to soul search, and do whats best. Only you 2 can answer these questions. I felt physically ill at the thought of not spending my life with my husband, and we knew each other for almost 10 years before we were ever attracted to each other. We know way more than the average person about each other, which is a plus, because we know the good the bad and the ugly.
If you are dreading your life together, than maybe you already know the answer. PLEASE think long and hard about this, you don't want to look back 10 years from now regretting marrying him, and feeling like you wasted all these years
my husband and I had quite different views on many important things as well, but like the PP we kind of addressed them early on. But I must admit that those few months when we were discussing things it felt really horrible because I wasn't sure that we'd ever get in sync with our plans. However we loved each other and we got through it and started to compromise on some stuff. Now, I couldn't imagine not being with him because of all of those differences. In the end we were able to compromise because we loved each other and we wanted to face all these challenges together.
I think that you should take these months to talk to each other and figure out what you want and when you want it. Figure out what can be compromised and what is non-negotiable. You have clearly spent a lot of time together so you are both happy being together in your companionship and that's very important too.
Sometimes, when we have had all our lives to imagine and dream up what our life is going to be like and the timeline we want it to happen in, it's hard when somebody comes in and mixes it up with their own ideas and timeline. And this is where you clash. So this is the time to be flexible and open minded for both of you.
Maybe you should think about postponing the wedding or postponing some of the planning phases while you are figuring this out. June 2012 is still some time away and it might only take you a couple of months to figure it out.
I understand what it feels like to question your future together when couplehood feels so burdensome and scary. It's natural to be upset, but instead of burdening yourself with "is he the one?" spend your time thinking "how can we make it work?" because this question can give you real answers.
I hope everything goes well and that you are able to figure it out!!
“He’s not perfect. You aren’t either, and the two of you will never be perfect. But if he can make you laugh at least once, causes you to think twice, and if he admits to being human and making mistakes, hold onto him and give him the most you can. He isn’t going to quote poetry, he’s not thinking about you every moment, but he will give you a part of him that he knows you could break. Don’t hurt him, don’t change him, and don’t expect for more than he can give. Don’t analyze. Smile when he makes you happy, yell when he makes you mad, and miss him when he’s not there. Love hard when there is love to be had. Because perfect guys don’t exist, but there’s always one guy that is perfect for you.”
― Bob Marley
Think about this - is he perfect for you?? This is me and my husband, and I will say, I tried to change him at first. But, I learned that to change him would be to turn him into someone he wasn't. So, I stopped, and realized that he really was perfect in an unperfect way, and that I could not live my life without. There are still times where I look at him, and am shocked that we ended up together (17 years of knowing each other means a lot of history together!), but I honestly could not imagine spending my life with someone else
@MrsSl82be: yes, this is exactly why I am getting so scared and sad and worried. Now it's coming to sending out save the date cards I'm feeling like I don't want people to start booking things (we're having a DW) because at the moment I don't feel like it's going to happen. And I do NOT want to go into something without being 100% committed to it. I don't feel like we're a team at the moment at all.
I won't go into all the things we disagree on (it would take way too long) but I have definitely compromised quite a lot and that didn't seem like a big deal when living together but when talking about marriage, buying a house and the REST OF OUR LIVES all of a sudden those differences seem to have become massively, massively important.
@merenguito: yes, I really wish we had had longer to work out our differences. Now it feels like we're having very rushed, high pressure conversations when had we just been dating each other wouldn't have felt like such big things. I have been honest in the last few weeks as things are getting worse (to me, anyway, strangely not to FI) and i think FI is upset as I want to pull out of the house we made an offer on and he doesn't understand. He is feeling much more optimistic than me and says things like 'but eventually we always sort things out' and is being very sweet. It just breaks my heart. I feel so sad.
@londongal: I think you are being smart, and he may be saying those things (your response to merenquito) because he doesn't like change, and you guys have been able to get over things in the past. But, you shouldn't settle just because he wants to, you really need to do whats best for you, and if moving on is, then you have to do it. I know its horrible to think about, but remember, its the rest of your life!
@MrsSl82be: this is what worries me - I didn't see him for a week and didn't miss him. It was so good to not have an argument and to feel relaxed and I didn't look forward to seeing him at the end of the week. Now he is away (we both ended up having different things we had to do out of town for a week that fell close together) and again I'm relieved he's not here. I did talk to him when i got back a little, and we will talk more, but I think I should miss him and I don't at the moment.
I don't think there's a perfect person for anyone or a soulmate but I do think it's quite possible someone with similar beliefs to me is out there, whereas his are pretty different. But then I do wonder if I'm just looking for some perfect man who doesn't actually exist. I don't expect my man to be everything to me, and I do agree with the 80 / 20 rule (have your partner meet 80% of your needs and get your 20% from friends/family). It just feels like we're not even at 50 /50 at the moment. I want to feel like my FH is my family and is my priority and to place him above everything else and I don't seem to be able to do that right now. wow, I can't stop crying.
@londongal: Awww ((HUGS)). Being away from my husband for more than a day, I miss him so much. I talk to him multiple times a day, and we text all the time. Does he miss you when he's gone? I think its a big red flag that you don't miss him. but that's just my opinion.
But i also believe in soulmates and all that gushy stuff as well. I have never before felt about a person like I do about my husband, and I honestly don't think I could. I don't believe we were made for each other, but I do believe that the way we ended up, it was just too crazy not to realize that there was something bigger than us at work. I was always the person who thought I wouldn't get married until I was well into my 30s, and I ended up falling for my husband at 20 years old! I still remember the night I called my bff and told her, "I'm in real trouble here, I know I'm going to spend the rest of my life with him." after a huge fight with him. I never wavered after that night, and we pretty much stopped fighting once he admitted that he felt the same way, and all the fighting was just due to the fact that neither of us wanted to face the fact that we had both just gotten torn apart in our past relationships, and here we were, falling in love with a person we never thought in a million years we could love.
Once you find that person, it will hit you like you walked into a wall. That's how it worked for me, anyway
I'm not sure what you are disagreeing on, but I think the important thing is you need to decide if being married to your FI is more important than whatever you would be giving up. Almost no couples have the same life goals, watns and needs at first, but the beauty of marriage is that our personal goals become shared goals since we love each other so much and just want the other person to be happy. But the love and desire to be together has to exist first, if it doesn't then you might be with the wrong person.
@londongal: I think it's a little tough to give advice on such HUGE life things, and I usually don't do it - but, I'm going to. I think you should postpone your wedding. You are dreading it (for valid or invalid reasons - it doesn't matter). It doesn't matter if you think you are creating an ideal that doesn't exist. I'm not saying you should necessarily break up with your FI (even though that may be a result), but I am saying you need to postpone the wedding and put planning on hold until you can move forward with a happy heart.
All of the questions you are asking yourself will only turn into "DID I marry the right man" - not "Am I marrying the right man"
Take a look at this article - maybe it will help:
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/jennifer-gauvain/doubts-before-marriage_b_919868.html
From what you've written, it sounds like your gut is crying out - but for whatever reasons you wish things were different. That doesn't make you or him a bad person - it's just reality.
And, if you think about it - if that's the case, you are doing both you and he a big favor by releasing him to find someone that will be happy with him and releasing you to live your life the way you wish.
@MrsSl82be: wow, that's really sweet! and that is what I had hoped for one day. but then I got older, more experienced and cynical. He does miss me when he's away, he was sending me messages and stuff and said when I got back. and even gave me flowers and chocolates... so basically just being perfect. and when I think back to when we got together, our first date lasted 36 hours and we have just been together ever since. it's like only just in the last year we started arguing about getting engaged (I wanted to, he wasn't ready) and now we are engaged we're arguing about the wedding, and lots of other things, but also i'm just seeing him in a different light. But this could be me just being scared of rejection or testing him, I don't know. but i really wonder at couples who are so happy together, like you are, didn't you ever have ONE time when you questioned it? when you looked at him and though, oh my god, can I really spend the rest of my life with this person?
If not I think that is amazing! and you are lucky!!! and perhaps that is what I should be working towards... oh this is hard. thank you for your advice.
@oracle:From what you've written, it sounds like your gut is crying out - but for whatever reasons you wish things were different. That doesn't make you or him a bad person - it's just reality.
This pretty much sums up everything I have babbled on about :)
Umm... sorry to ask this but did you just start feeling this way after your engagement?
That happened to me too. But it was just me projecting my anxities of God knows what all onto the relationship. And I continued to magnify problems until they did become something REALLY BIG.
We have an interreligious/intercultural marriage and that obviously gave me a LOT of ammo.
At the end of the day, we were/are FINE.
Maybe you are just FRUSTRATED inside and out. It's 'easy' not to miss someone if you are preoccupied with thoughts of dislike towards them.
@oracle: thank you for the link and your thoughts, it is very helpful and a great article (and disturbing number!). I just have to be honest with myself, despite helpful friends just telling me it's normal pre-wedding nerves i think it's more.
@Sasha2011: yes, it has only been after we got engaged (in Feb 2011). although I think there were maybe little moments previously when I would think 'that's annoying!' about him I didn't ruminate over stuff. it's interesting to hear your point of view. i think what also is really concerning me is that for the first time i haven't found him as attractive lately and not wanted to be intimate (but maybe that is understandable considering how many arguments we've had!)
What's important is that you are questioning these things now before it is too late. Since you are soliciting opinions and not basing your decision based on what strangers on the internet think (very smart), I will tell you that this does not sound like normal cold feet.
If you are having this many differences and difficulties now, it will only get worse after you are married. Love does not conquer all. You need to have similar values, goals and ideas about life, work and children. A relationship takes work but you shouldn't be depressed and crying all the time.
I would forget about couple's therapy for now and go on your own to few sessions to sort out your feelings. That might help you clear your head and come to a decision you can live with. And I think the very least expensive option is to pay attention to your intuition.
I've been where you are (with my first husband) and I wish you luck. The advice I give everyone here in your situation is to take care of yourself first. Always.
@londongal:I should have already mentioned this, but OF COURSE I have wondered if I was doing the right thing. I think any healthy person should question their choice at a life partner. And that's where I said thinking about not being with him almost made me physically ill, which I've never had happen before. I tried picturing my life without him, and I couldn't. I openly questioned our commitment to each other, which is where all the life goals conversations happened. Being together hasn't always been easy, but we both believe the other is worth the fight.
I was a having a bit of some cold feet the last couple weeks and I picked up the book called Emotionally Engaged. It is really making me look at things from another perspective and realize that not everything is going to be perfect all the time. I recommend you pick it up too. Read it and then mail out your save the dates after if you feel more content and happy with where you stand. 3 years is a lot of history so take a very good look at yourself and at your FI and y'alls relationship together as one. I realized that I have been basing a lot of my fears on my past relationships and that was getting in the way of my true happiness with my FI for fear that it just wont work when I know deep down I'm crazy to think such things because he treats me like a queen and worships the ground I walk on.
Pick up the book you wont be sorry.http://www.amazon.com/Emotionally-Engaged-Brides-Surviving-Happiest/dp/B001G8WLMA/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1316456184&sr=8-1
I think MrsSl82behas given som fantastic advice in this thread. I don't have more to add to it, but I wanted to give you a /hug.
the feelings you're talking about having sound a lot like the ones I had when I got married to my ex. I pushed through it, and we said "we'll figure it out"... and we just didn't. it only took us a couple years to realize things weren't going to work out, but by then we already had a child on the way and stuck it out a few more. all in all, I wish I had listened to instinct... you can compromise all day long on where you want to live, how many kids to have, etc, but if the differences you have are deep/philosophical issues related to the way you view the world, then it's not always something you can/want to/should compromise on.
some great questions I suggest answering independently (like in a separate room independently) are: 1) how do I define happiness? 2) what does my ideal household look like? 3) if I had $5,000,000, how would I spend it? they can seem like simple questions, but take a deeper look at the answers and you can see more about how someone sees the world. had my ex and I both answered these questions prior to tying the knot, I don't think we would have.
I understand that you have a serious relationship with him, and you are probably great friends in addition to being a couple, and you never want to hurt a friend. but it will hurt both of you more in the long run if you don't take a step back and really look at what you need out of a partner and what you need out of life.
I think you might need to get into some of the things you disagree on so that maybe we can help you a bit more? You've gotten such great advice so far and I really feel for you. I hope you guys can work this out. Sometimes, it takes awhile.
@crystalirene: THANK YOU - I have just ordered that book. I have already read 'the Conscious Bride' but feel like that hasn't helped as much as I'd hoped so it's great to have another recommendation.
@Aure: bless you - I need it! really need to stop moping around and feeling miserable though...
@PutABirdOnIt: good advice, thank you.
@inspiredcreationsbyhaley: I will write down your questions and see what our answers are (I already suspect they will be VERY different but maybe I'll be surprised)
By no mean I'm an expert at emotional stuff like this, but I can feel your pain and I want to send positive thoughts your way so that you can think rationally through your problems. Big e-hugs!
I believe in true love and fairy tales, so i really wouldn't be much help at all. You certainly can start communicating now. My FI and I met and got engaged within a month...and within that first month, we talked about everything and some. No, our life plans didn't fit to a T, but when we realized we were perfect together, we made our own plan together. His plan to get marry at 33 was moved up 4 years and my plan to adopt changed to plan for the wedding and our children together. So long you can picture him being your partner in all your future events, start looking at ways you can compromise. If you can't imagine him being there, then you know you haven't found him yet. Good luck and I hope that some clear sign will show you the way.
I was exactly where you were except I asked all those questions pretty early on and even then it didn't really help. I questioned whether my ex-FI and I should be together all through our relationship and my fears were confirmed. He ended things with me and I am so thankful that I didn't take him back when he begged. I'm much happier now and enjoying being single.
As far as what people will think if you call it off, who cares! As long as you're happy that's all that matters. You might even be surprised by some people's reactions. I was told by numerous people that they never saw me and my ex-FI working out and that he wasn't worthy of me. My reaction to this every time was "Wow wish you had told me earlier!" But it's good to know now. And when people ask you about wedding plans and how things are going, you just politely say, "We called things off but thank you for asking." :) Trust me I've had to do it several times and once or twice at other friends bridal showers and weddings! Fun stuff!
I hope this helps but if you need to talk feel free to message me. Hugs!
@pec1216: thank you! that does help. And I don't care so much what other people think IF we call it off but it seems right now we're in limbo and I don't know what's happening. and everyone is so excited about our wedding that they want to talk about it and I don't! i'm avoiding seeing/talking to some people at the moment. But it's good to know that even though you are single you are still on the bee :) I may well message you if things get tricky tho. I guess it will just take some time and I hate things taking time because I am impatient!
It's interesting that now I am really looking at things my perspective has changed and I see what an amazing person he is, but that doesn't necessarily mean he is amazing for me. It's very difficult to know how to tell him that without really hurting him though.
People don't have to have the exact same views on life to be a couple. The only thing that matters is whether you two are willing to compromise and work together to reach a common goal (i.e., raising a good child). Is it easier if you have someone who agrees with you? Sure. But if you don't see yourself wanting to work on things to stay together, there's a problem.
@MrsCoachBtoBee: thanks for your words. I think the thing that bothers me more than absolutely anything else is the feeling that I am marrying someone who is like my father in the following ways: unable to communicate about his feelings, unable to recognize his feelings, just being silent when angry/annoyed instead of talking about things, etc. I actually have lately started saying to him stuff like 'well I know you're angry right now but do you think this is actually because your feelings are hurt?' because he is completely unable to figure out his own emotions. He told me the other night it took so long to propose to me because he was scared, but I never knew that. He never once told me how he FELT about proposing, just that it was a 'big thing'. (No, he's not the most articulate person in the world)
So I feel like we could deal with having different views on life IF i felt like i could trust him enough to be honest and open with me and more importantly, himself, about how he feels about things. But he is just the silent type who will just sit and say nothing and not even give me a hug when I'm crying and upset. and i just don't think i can be with someone like that. I need more support than that. And i've told him this so many times previously and now he sometimes will put a hand on my knee when I'm upset but even that is so difficult for him! We both came from families where we don't talk about feelings but I have managed to get over that and deal with it and am now very open and honest but it feels like it will always be a struggle with him. I have to literally tell him what it is he might be feeling, on top of dealing with my own feelings! I'm exhausted.
I have some books on order from amazon that people have recommended and appointment with counsellor on tuesday night so I guess i will just have to see how it goes. But now I just need to tell him that we really need to postpone the wedding until 2013 at the least, because otherwise people are going to start booking things and spending money and it makes me feel sick to my stomach thinking about how to say that to him. He will be home in a few days so will tell him then.... man oh man. that'll be fun.
You must log in to post.
| Visit our sister sites | eHarmony Online Dating |
eHarmony Advice Dating Advice |
Project Wedding Wedding Songs |
JustMommies Pregnancy Calendar |
Create the honeymoon of your dreams.
| User | Posts Today |
|---|---|
| ndreighton | 5 |
| Suikerbossie | 5 |
| Miss Godiva | 3 |
| Future Mrs K | 3 |
| Rivendeler | 3 |
| janetsnakehole | 3 |
| krisanne | 2 |
| hamikay | 2 |
| aussiebee | 2 |
| PaulBabyBallerina | 2 |
Sorry, there are no users yet.
I have read a lot of threads trying to find what I'm looking for but haven't so starting a new one, I'll try to keep it short. I'm very confused about FI. We have argued a lot lately and I am having serious doubts about us as a couple and our compatibility - there's a lot of differences in our views and approaches to life. Before we got engaged we never talked about anything important - like children, our timelines for making big decisions (like buying a house, etc), finances, nothing. We just had fun hanging out. So now it's like we're only just beginning to have the conversations we should have had three years ago. (I didn't ask him any of the stuff I used to ask men I dated because I just thought it was going to be a work fling and was planning to move out of the country! But ended up changing my mind.) We're going to see a relationship counselor next week but because we're engaged and making wedding plans people are asking how things are going and right now I'm not sure there will be a wedding next year. I'm struggling just to get through the day without crying. I love FI, and he was the perfect person for me to be with three years ago, but I don't know if we are right being together in the future.
I don't even know what I'm hoping to get from this, I guess some advice from other ladies who have questioned their engagements and either broken them off or gone ahead and how did it go? I'm not going to base a big life decision just on advice from the internet but it would help to know how to get through this time if you have any advice. The relationship counseling is kind of expensive as well, so any thing I could think about for free would be helpful, lol. I just want to make myself feel better to be able to get through my days at work and I don't know how. I don't want to be really sad and upset all the time while trying to make this decision, or is that impossible?