Not sure how I should feel?

posted 3 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
2319 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

Could you have a small and intimate ceremony and then possibly a slightly larger reception? I know you said his family are all close, but how big are your two families?

Post # 4
4483 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: April 2015

I’m in a somewhat similar situation, except I do want marriage. However, my family will be maybe 20 peopl total, while his could easily be 3x that, and mostly people I’ve never met. I want a small wedding, but it’s not going to happen for me since his family will of course be included. I’m very shy and not into being the center of attention, and I will likely be uncomfortable. I try to think of how lucky I am to marry a man that is so loved and cared about by so many.

Post # 6
2319 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2013


I hear your dilemma. I also hear that with both your families, you’d be inviting 100 people.

My fiance and I are doing a very small ceremony with our immediate families and closest friends, for a total of 30. Then we’re having a larger reception where all the rest of the family, friends, family friends, etc will be invited – which looks like it will be totaling 160.

Could you have a similar small ceremony with just the immediate family and closest friends? That way you’re not getting married in front of 100 people, just the closest.

I do hear you on not being able to only invite some of the family and not all, etc.

I’d be fine with just having my parents and my brother there, but it would look strange next to his family” — My fiance is inviting his father, his step mother, and his groomsmen to the ceremony. I’m inviting my immediate family, some very close relatives, and some family friends I am very close with. IMO, it’s okay if one side (ie: his) has more “family” there than the other, depending on how the family is made up, who you both want to invite, etc.

I hope you are able to come up with something where you are most comfortable 🙂

Sorry for the essay!

Post # 7
1535 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

@classical_wolf:  +1

I just went to a wedding last week and they had a ceremony with 25 people and then a larger reception. Last year, i went to a ceremony with 11 people and then a larger cocktail party.

You could do something similar and not do any speeches or first dances that put all eyes on you.

Would you also be willing to do a commitment ceremony instead of actually getting married?

Post # 8
2319 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2013


We’re also doing something very similar. We are having a shorter cocktail reception which at it’s longest will be 3.5 hours. If I get overstimulated (ie: from autism), we will cut the reception at 3 hours and finish with cake and coffee, etc.

We are doing a first dance, father daughter dance, etc, but we are not having ourselves announced to walk into the reception, and we are not having a sweetheart table.

@OP – I’m not a fan of the “all eyes on me/you” either – so I definitely hear your discomfort with a larger event.

Post # 9
3557 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

I would talk to your FI about doing a small immeadiate family only ceremony and invite the rest of his family to the reception. Also don’t feel bad about feeling silly in the dresses. I felt silly in the first four or five dresses that I tried on. It took me awhile to wrap my head around the concept that I am the bride, I wear the white dress. It also helped me to try on a dress closer to what I was really looking for to settle into dress shopping.

Post # 10
8847 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2013 - Rocky Mountains USA

@lulasapphire:  I think you guys should just elope!  Your wedding is supposed to be one of the happiest days of your life, and it’s about YOU first and foremost.  As another poster said, you could have a reception afterwards and invite all the family, without all the pressure of literally getting married in front of them.

I bet if you tell your guy how awful this is making you feel, he’ll agree that’s the best plan.  And if you two are in agreement, who cares what anyone thinks.  People elope all the time, they’ll get over it.

Post # 11
10877 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2009

@lulasapphire:  I honestly would not worry at all  about the imbalance of your FI’s family to yours at the wedding.  As long as there are no ushers asking, “Bride’s side or Groom’s side?” as your guests arrive, they likely will sit wherever there is a good seat, and no one will even notice this.

Rather than feeling bad that you don’t have a lot of your own family to invite, try to look at the fact that you will be gainging some wonderful, new family  through your marriage and that these special people who love and are so important to your FI very likely will love and, over time, become important to you as well. I would try to view this as a wonderful opportunity and blessing.

Regarding your concerns over your anxiety, that certainly is a significant issue, and I’m sure it will not be at all easy to overcome.  However, what I would encourage you to do is to look at this situation as much as you are able to do so through the eyes of the man that you love.  By having a ceremony that includes the special people in his life, you will be giving him a very great gift  that will fill his heart with joy. Doing so will require just a few hours, on a single day of your life, but the blessings of your doing this for him will be lasting.

It speaks volumes about your FI that he loves you enough to be willing to forgo this blessing for himself, if you really do not want to have others present. However, I think that the same, sacrificial spirit that is motivating your FI to offer to not  have his family present could  end up becoming the same motivation that you  could find that may allow you to choose to have his family there to share in your special day.

Post # 12
312 posts
Helper bee

@lulasapphire:  I feel like I could have written most of what you said myself.  If you are only comfortable with your parents and brother attending then can you elope with just them, your fiance’s parents, his siblings and no one else? Your fiancé is awesome for giving you the option of not getting married at all – my husband did this for me and I was so grateful. You are already compromising with him about getting married at all – you don’t need to compromise about the size of the wedding.  I get that he wants to invite everyone but is it a requirement for him? If so, it’s his turn to compromise and do what is most comfortable for you.  Your mental health and enjoyment at your own wedding is the most important thing no matter what. We got married in our backyard and invited no one because of my anxiety. People weren’t happy but we were – me because I wasn’t anxious at my own wedding and my husband because he wasn’t worrying about me at our wedding. He said my wellbeing and happiness were far more important than what everyone else thought and I found out later that his mother asked multiple times if she could attend and he stood up for me and said no, this is what is best for US. And he loved our private wedding. I am so sorry to hear about your anxieties, you are not alone and I hope you have a lovely wedding that you enjoy because you deserve it.  Feel free to PM me if you need support- I definitely know how you feel. 


Post # 13
863 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

I’m another bee who can understand where you are coming from.  When FI and I eventually do get married, I will most likely have no family there.  Add the facts that I’ve been married twice before, and am not exactly enamoured of FI’s family…I would far rather elope.

The thought of spending thousands of pounds on one day has always made me feel ill anyway.  In my ideal world, it would be me and FI on a Cretean beach, with a couple of good friends as witnesses.  

However, FI loves his large extended family (he’s an only child), and has never been married before.  We are currently in a LDR, and likely to be for another couple of years, so the wedding isn’t a huge priority at the moment. 

In your situation, I think a compromise on numbers, and maybe some treatment for your anxiety would be the way to go.  Perhaps your FI can go through his list and only invite the family that he feels especially close to?  

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