Post # 1
What can I say other than I’m straight up exhausted. My DH and I have only been married 2 short years yet we’ve been through so much. Right now we are having the time of our life, enjoying one another and actually enjoying marriage! However it hasn’t always been like this….
First, during the first 6 mths of our marriage we were building our dream home which was somewhat stressful but hey I felt so blessed and never complained bc of how grateful I felt to be in that position. Next we jumped into TTC 6 mths earlier than planned only that landed us in a place we never imagined 18 mths later with dealing with infertility and starting the adoption process. We were strong and a team during this difficult time but it took it’s toll as I battle with the grief still at times. During this time, my older sister unexpectedly moved in with us from the west coast after her 3rd marriage fell apart after 9 mths. This took a toll as well dealing with the lack of privacy, the pain that was now more public than ever with our TTC and pretty much an invasion of space. I dont mean that in a bratty way but I’m pretty OCD about things and my sister is not so my comfort zone was definetly tested. A year later she is technically still living with us but stays with her boyfriend daily. I feel like her storage unit now more than anything. Her plans are always changing and what I thought was a temporary situation is turning into something longterm.
Now the final straw. After 2 years on the market DH parents have finally sold their home and have to be out in 3 weeks. They’ve put an offer in on another home but that’s no gaurantee. DH offered, after talking to me first, for them to stay with us for awhile. How could I say no?! He was more than gracious with my sister and never hesitated when she needed help. I feel the sane way and love his family and would do anything for them but I’m also just breaking inside and want to say enough is enough. This is our time! I do know his parents would never take advantage of us and do all they can to help out and get their own place quickly so it wouldn’t turn into a situation like the one I’m in with my sister. However I worry it might strain DH and my relationship as well as my relationship with my inlaws. This is the same couple that judged us for going through infertility treatments and stated “wouldn’t adoption just be easier” on the worst day of my life. They are very traditional so it’s taking time and education with them. However, our adoption process would have to be put on hold bc I refuse to go through all that with people living with us. I’m afraid I’m going to resent my family for this, is that bad? Part of me wants to say this is our time, our time to be married, our time to build our family. But then this is family. Where do you draw the line and say enough is enough or do you?
Post # 3
this is a tough situation and honestly I dont have any advice. I feel for what you are going through as my fiance and I are currently building our dream house just months before our marriage. I totally understand that stress. If you are a spiritual person, I’d suggest that you pray for strength, peace, understanding, and clarity on what you should do.
It is a tough situation though…best of luck to you!
Post # 4
I appreciate that, I really do. I am pretty spiritual and have been praying, thank you so much!
Post # 5
i dont think you are being selfish for having these thoughts, i think you are stressed out and upset about the lack of privacy and feeling responsible for other people – we all feel this way at times
i do think its wise to accomodate your inlaws and also have a conversation with your sister about her moving out – you have been supportive for a while now and thats a good thing. i also think you and your husband need some alone time and maybe you can sneek in a few weekends away to have some fun and relax, find that spark that makes you a great couple. goodluck *hugs*
Post # 6
I don’t have any advice but just wanted to say that you sound like a really kind person to have put up with all this and have the ability to write abt it without any hint of resentment. Unfortunately I think what you are describing is basically just life. It pretty much is always one thing after another. Some will be small and some big but there will always be something. There’s rarely huge stretches of everything being amazing.
Not saying this to be negative, it’s just my experience 🙂
I think you’re doing amazingly well
given the circumstances, and you are lucky to have a husband who sounds like he’s been good through it all.
Post # 7
@MissGreen:Yikes that IS a doozy! I do not see you as selfish! I think you two are amazing for helping. thats what it’s all about right? And I’m so happy to hear that you’ve been praying!
Post # 8
Oh wow, you really have been through a lot these past two years. First of all, congratulations on having such a strong relationship with your husband! Any one of those issues on their own would have been enough to break a weaker couple so I think a massive kudos is in order. I also think it’s important that you guys recognise how much you’ve been through and how well you’ve weathered it…that says a lot about you both as individuals and as a couple.
Secondly, in regards to the issue at hand, as eloping said, I think you do need to allow your inlaws to stay with you for a short period of time. They sound as though they would be much more accommodating, understanding, and respectful of your property, time, and privacy than your sister has been. Also, the fact that they would be doing everything in their power to move out as soon as possible is another good sign. I think it’s a buyer’s market out there, isn’t it? That should hopefully make it easier for them to find a good property relatively quickly.
Thirdly, I think you need to come up with a timeline with your sister. Is she working? Even if not, she’s been with you long enough that she could/should have saved up enough money to get back on her feet. I think you need to be upfront and honest telling her how it’s been difficult adjusting your newlywed life to accommodate her and it’s time for you and DH to have your lives back. Reassure her you will always support her emotionally but your time of enabling her is going to come to an end. Also, tell her that your parents-in-law need a place to stay for a few weeks and you cannot accommodate them both. You’ve provided her with shelter for more than a year now, which is much longer than you had anticipated, and that time needs to come to an end now, before your inlaws move in.
What is your relationship like with your sister? Can you have that conversation with her and have her understand why you are doing this? It sounds as though she may be the type of person who accepts what’s offered to her without thinking about how it affects the one offering said ‘gift’. Perhaps the realisation that she has taken far too much in this regard will cause her to take action.
Regardless of how you approach it, I think you need to develop a specific timeline and hold her to it. No more delays, no more excuses, no extensions. Sometimes tough love is what’s needed.
Good luck to you – you sound incredibly strong and are an inspiration to those who are going through tough times!
Post # 9
You guys are so right and I know at the end of the day, I would do anything for my inlaws bc they would and have done the same. We may not always see eye to eye, especially me and dear MIL but they are wonderful people and we are all different.
The thing with my sister is so complicated and I’m scared and I think that is what holds me back. See my sister is older than me and has pretty much raised me since I was 13 when our mother chose a different path in life. We are best friends but polar opposites. Ironically she owns her own business and makes more money on her own than DH and I combine. However her stance has always been in providing my niece with a debt free education through college so she does put out alot in her care. I will never fault her for that. However, she also lives life in the fast lane and flys by the seat of her pants. While you should never judge someone else for how they spend their money, her and I are vastly different. While I’m frugal and a saver, she will spend even when she doesn’t have anything. We’ve loaned her money as well as friends and she was prompt in repayment however, I can tell she is not doing anything to secure her future. We are pretty open and honest with each other about everything even finances so I know where she stands. I fear this conversation will turn into a confrontation. She has a very short fuse and gets snappy and very confrontational quickly and I’m just not they way so I back down and let things go. I always take her excuses or reasons and in a way enable her. It’s hard for me bc I feel I owe her so much for raising me when she didn’t have to but it’s time to grow up so to speak. Gosh that was harsh, 🙁 So yes while I’ve been playing this conversation in my mind for months, I keep putting it off. My niece and her stability plays into it too bc she considers our home her true home when she’s at school and I dont want to take that away from her. She’s been through so much the last 5 years that I want her to have some place to call home and have that stabilty and ground to hold onto as she enters the real world. IDK I know it all sounds a little crazy, my family is, I guess that’s why so protective of them. Thanks Bees, this is truly helping.
Post # 10
for better for worse.. for richer for poorer.. in sickness and in health..
Life changes all the time, these events won’t be permanent, and you will be stronger together for going through them 🙂