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Me and DH found out about something really unfortunate that was said at our wedding, and I am not sure how to address it.
Background: DH's grandma is a rude and judgemental person, she can be alright to talk to in general, but she gets really judgemental and says some really nasty things to people. His family has a tendency to cover for her, apologize to the offended party, but then to not address her behaviour with her. She does it to everyone, and has no friends in her seniors complex due to her behaviour.
My sisters were my bridesmaids in my wedding, I am about a size 16 on top because I am very busty (12 on the bottom), my younger sister is super slim about a size 6, and my youngest sister is about a 22 - but she is the most athletic of the 3 of us. My youngest sister has always struggled with her weight despite healthy eating, training at a provincial level to play rugby 5 times per week, and running 10km races on a regular basis. My parents are average sized, although my dad trains martial arts on a competitive level so he is quite muscular, which I guess could appear big in a suit.
My DH's grandma has never met any member of my family before, she had not had a chance to be introduced to anyone yet when it came time for family pictures. She approached my sisters and said to my slimmer sister "How did you get so skinny?" while looking around at me, and my parents. My youngest sister who has always struggled with her weight was standing right there and heard it all. This was moments after the ceremony.
DH is livid - we already wrote our thank you card for her gift, so although his first instinct was to tear up the thank you and replace it with a scathing letter, I convinced him to tear into her in a thank you note was inappropriate. My youngest sister has always been awesome to us, she knew about our relationship and met DH first, has spent the most time with us as a couple, always stands up for us, and had babysat our dog, came up early to help us decorate, and is always there for us to vent to about the family when we need to. She is a really sweet and funny person, and she did not deserve to be blindsided like that by a nasty old woman.
I am not sure how we can approach this. DH has made it clear that we will not be letting this slide. The fact that her first words to my family were a slap in the face to most of us was just disgusting.
He wants to tell her that due to her behaviour towards the family, that she is not welcome to take part in any joint family events in the future (ie if we host Christmas, when we have a baby etc where my family will be present she will not be welcome).
What do you guys think?
Honestly, I think you are overreacting. Some people don't have a good filter for their thoughts - and it sounds like it was just a comment (not intended to be malicious). If you think about it - it was an observational statement.
Granted - g'ma could have said a billion other things - but, having struggled with weight my entire life, I wouldn't make this the hill to die on.
That seems a little harsh to completely cut her out like that. I think old people just have a tendency to say what's on their mind with no filter.. Lord knows my grandmother does it all the time. I think your husband should just sit her down and address the issue directly. Let her know that what she said was hurtful and unneccesary. It sounds like she gets away with this stuff because no one in the family ever calls her out on it. Give her a chance to apologize and make amends. If she continues to behave this way after you have talked with her, then feel free to take more drastic steps.
Little old ladies can get away with murder, I swear. My nana's words would get her into trouble all the time but ultimately she never really changed.
I bet the saddest part is she doesn't even think what she says is offensive. Since nobody has ever taken her to task on this before, your husband taking a hard line with her now will probably come as a great shock. If he is prepared to deal with the fallout, more power to him. I'd let him steer the way on this one though...it is his grandmother to put up with.
My grandmother can be the same way, and talking to her about it makes no difference. My solution? I limit my contact with her to the extreme.
She even said something rude to my MIL at my wedding, and I was put into the position of having to apologize for her behavior. Some people are just assholes, even old people!
You said that no one has ever confronted her about her behavior. Instead of cutting her off, why not tell her that the comment hurt, upset, and offended your entire family, including your husband, and that it will take a long time to get over.
Yikes!
I think it might be better to focus on your sister rather than the grandmother. Showing her how much you value you her contribution to the wedding and your life together is a positive way of showing how much she means to you.
@Moose1209: I am actually trying to back him down a bit - he was ready to completely cut her out, ie avoid ever seeing her again. I think that he has taken the brunt of nasty comments for a long time, and watched his siblings take the same treatment. His stance is that obviously she can't be trusted around my family, as far as being a decent and civil person. He is quite protective of them (they gave him a job when needed, we always stay with them when we are in town, my mom always make sure he has his favourite coffee cream, and pop etc when he is around). I dunno, I might let it slide personally, but he is determined that it will be addressed.
As the granddaughter of a woman who sounds identical to your DH's grandmother, I totally understand. My grandmother pretty much has no filter and spent most of her life insulting my sister and I (my sister mostly since she's always been a big girl) as well as anyone else within earshot. Much like your grandmother, she alienated herself from all of her friends and family. It's quite sad really. I'm sorry to hear DH's grandmother was so mean to your family, it's really inappropriate. I wish I had some advice, but we didn't really ever find a way to manage it either! Seriously, the only way we've escaped it is that now she's suffering from Alzheimers and is living in a totally different period of time in her mind and is happy as a clam. I've honestly never seen her happy before and it's the best case of a worst case scenario. My mom grew up with her mother being a mean and rude woman for 50-some odd years, and while I wouldn't wish Alzheimer's on any one, it's nice to finally see her happy and at peace. For the first time in my life I can enjoy spending time with her. It feels awful to say that, trust me.
I suppose it could have been worse, she could have walked up to your youngest sister and said "Boy you're fat!" or "That dress looks awful on you!". Unfortunately the only thing you can really do in this situation is for you and DH (and potentially his parents) to apologize to your family. Let them know this is her personality and her awful character trait. I understand why you guys are so mad and why you'd want to cut her out of your lives, but I would just limit your contact with her in the future. If you told her she was mean she likely wouldn't understand why what she said was hurtful or even admit to saying it. Families. I know.
Do you think she even remembers making that comment?
Does she have any diagnosed (or perhaps un-diagnosed) issues with Dementia or Alzheimer's?
While un-called for, I seriously wouldn't read that deep into it. I'd roll my eyes and say, "Oh grandma, that's not nice." end of story. She honestly probably doesn't realize she was out of line.
I can see that you and your husband are really upset about this but honestly I don't think I would have taken it as hard had it happened to me at my wedding especially knowing beforehand that the grandma is very crass and rude. I would have told my sister OMG, that lady's crazy... and left it at that. My feelings are what are you gonna do? Everyone has different personalities and she's family now... Lots of people in my family are crazy and out spoken and can be down right rude and obnoxious but really, they are family and everyone knows that they're crazy like that. I'm sure there's going to be LOTS of moments like that at my wedding but that's because I know my family and I know what to expect. Sorry this doesn't help...
@Ms Mini: I absolutely think it should be addressed. She won't know her words hurt people unless someone tells her. I just think it should be addressed in a less harsh manner. Good luck!
@bakerella: My grandmother (mom's side) was the same. As she went downhill it got worse. It was like she didn't understand what was happening and the small filter she did have was non existent. I can totally see her saying something like the OP's grandmother. As her Dementia got worse and worse she got sweeter and sweeter. It was the best relationship she and my mom ever had... and I'm not sure she knew she was even alive at that point. Off in her own world.
As people age, they go through crazy stages, and sometimes you don't realize something is "off." Honestly, I have no idea who is more upset about this. You, DH, your sister? Of course she didn't deserve to be "blindsided" but I don't know, maybe I just don't understand why it's such a horrible elaborate "cut her out of the family" ordeal. Y'all knew before she was crazy... Perhaps your sister is sensitive about her weight but Grandma doesn't know that, just as how your sister apparently didn't know she was crazy. I just personally think this situation is blown way out of proportion.
Thank her for whatever gift, and tell your sister that your "sorry you have a crazy grandmother in law" and leave it at that. I'm sorry, but Grandma is family and who knows how much time she has left. My Grandmother as I said was no picnic, and we all had strained relations with her, but I still treasure the moments we had, and I'm glad we didn't write her off. I'd give anything to have her make a stupid comment at my wedding but she won't be there as she's gone now.
My grandmother is the same way! If we are going some place with lots of people (family outing & etc) I also tell her in the car to keep her mouth closed. That if she wants to say something negative..hold it until she is in the car. Most of the time she is pretty good and will forget about anything she will have to say-shes 82!
I also have to keep a close eye on her and if she starts to say something I give her the evil stare LOL!!
I would have your husband say something to the grandmother, but in her old age..she's not going to change or even see what she said was wrong. Maybe she will apologize to your sister, but I doubt it.
I would just make sure that your sister(s) knows that it wasn't a personal attack from Grandma..she just likes to talk. I know that I would take what an old person has to say with a grain of salt. And as long as your younger sister knows she's healthy then to shrug it off..its not like she has to see this person all the time.
@teaadntoast: Don't worry - me and DH have gone into damage control mode ever since we heard about the comment - telling her how beautiful she looked (sending her guest pics where she looked like a rock star). Reminding her how much we appreciated her helping us, being there for us etc etc ...
@Ms Mini: With the damage control you mentioned you've done with your sister, I think you're spot on! I would focus MAINLY on making sure your sister's feelings are top priority and worry about grandma later. Someone above mentioned a great point -- no one has previously addressed grandma's harsh comments. I would be sure to change that! I wouldn't go as far as cutting her from family events in the future (it really seems like an overboard reaction to me), but I would definitely make her aware of her cruel comment and how it made everyone feel. I grew up with your "classic" Cuban grandmother, one who CONSTANTLY comments on weight. I don't know if it's just a Cuban thing or if all elderly women tend to gravitate towards weight comments. Anyway, I graciously sucked it up and took all of her harsh comments on my weight through the years. However, now that I'm a mother and I've matured quite a bit, I have been very careful to let her know her comments about my weight are A) none of her business, B) hurtful, and C) inappropriate. Since I've been making her aware of her comments, she's cut back on them almost entirely.
Case in point, I think you should definitely make her aware of her comment and how inappropriate it was and go from there. If she fails to recognize her rude demeanor, I'd make a judgment call from there. She may just be stuck in her ways... Good luck!
To the ladies saying that “some old people are just like that,” or that it’s too harsh to cut her out completely, you’re lucky you don’t have ugly family members like this!
To OP, I totally understand. My grandmother, after staying at our house for a Christmas vacation and eating the meals my mom prepared with nary a thank you, she called my oldest sister fat whenever she got the chance. She said my sister has always been the fat one, even as a baby, that she should go on a “drink only water” diet. My sister is a blue belt in the Israeli martial art of Krav Maga. She’s short and stocky but one of the most powerful women I know. If it weren’t out of respect for my dad I would have jumped that old lady for saying something so mean. She also spread rumors about my little sister being slutty since she hung out with some of her friends, boys AND girls, in her room with the door shut. As for me, she mostly ignored me and hung out instead with my cousins who are her favorite grandchildren from her favorite daughter. Luckily she lives in Japan and I have bluntly told my dad that she is not invited to my wedding.
I would say avoid all contact if possible, but I don’t think I would necessarily confront her as she is probably set in her ways and I doubt that she would change. Keep your future children away from her and try not to go to family functions when she’s there.
I am a little bothered by people who say that she didn't mean any harm by it or that it's b/c she's old or whatever. It doesn't matter how old or young someone is, blatantly hurting someone else's feelings is not OK and should be pointed out to them. If I were old and mean, I'd hope someone would tell me so I could spend my last years making sure I had good/positive relationships with those around me.
I say, you need to have a talk with this woman about what she said and how it affected you and your family. Your DH sounds like a great guy, sticking up for you and yours. It's important to maintain a relationship with her because you don't want to fracture any relationships with other members of his family, trust me... it's not fun.
At my wedding reception, my grandmother yelled at me, "When is this thing going to be over?" then the next morning at brunch, she shoved me away and instructed my MOH to "Take a picture of me with my favorite grand-daughter" and pulled in a step-child that isn't even related to her!
So yeah, I think you got off easy :/
@snmcdowell: I am sorry for what you went through with your grandmother - but I am not sure how you telling me that something that was still hurtful to my family was "getting off easy" is helpful in any respect ...
Thanks guys for your input - I am going to try to talk to DH about being a little less hard line, but still telling his grandma that what she said was hurtful and inappropriate.
I think we all need to remember that we also don't actually know how the situation played out to each person involved (and there's at least 4 points of view at stake). We also don't know anything (except one POV) about Grandma and her past behavior, or her medical status, mental capacity, younger life lead, etc. We don't know how sensitive or not sister is, etc.
It's just there's so much to the story that things like this make is really hard to comment in an accusatory "you are so right, tell her off and never see her again" way or a "let it slide."
I say address it to all: "sis, she's crazy, you know your in better shape than all of us" and "grandma, you hurt my sister, please watch how your treat people" and move on. Dwelling on things are never good for anyone.
@KLP2010: I guess that I didn't mention, that it was actually DH's parents that told us that this unfolded - they were standing there when grandma said it and didn't say anything to grandma, and then asked us like a week later to apologize on their behalf to sister. So I also think DH is mad that his parents heard it and let it slide. My sisters and Mom weren't going to tell us about what happened at all ...
I haven't read everyone's replied yet, but while I understand your feelings (I really do!), I think you just have to let it go. She sounds like a miserable old woman, and in her old age, she's not going to change. Heck, my mom won't even change, and she's only 50!
Just write it off as an old lady who has nothing nice to say and put up with it until, well ... you know, she sees the light.
ETA: After we got home from our honeymoon, some family members told us something that happened that was sucky as well. A cousin threw a hissy fit during our reception and started crying and making a scene because she didn't want to be there or "come to this stupid wedding in the first place." Luckily, this happened in the corridor off our reception room, and in the ladies bathroom, so we were both unaware while it was happening.
Yeah, it hurt our feelings, and yeah, when we heard that, we wanted to retract our thank you card to her, etc. She's a cousin who few people like in the family anyway, so we just decided to let it roll of our backs, and be polite to her the one or two times a year we have to see her.
@Ms Mini: So, all you know is what the in-laws and your sibs told you? Honestly, I Apologize for any offense that was taken and move on. If it happens again than say something to her, "nana, it isn't nice to talk to people like that."
If his parents let it slide I don't understand why he would lash out at Grandma and cut her from his life? She probably has no clue about any of this. Sounds like if anything DH and his parents need to talk it out. At this point, talking to grandma about this exact situation is probably useless.
Um, I DO have ugly family members like this, however, I too think you should let it go.
First off, it isnt going to do you any good at all to confront her. She either won't remember, wont' "get it", or won't care. Perhaps if you had said something right when it happened, like one poster suggested, but I think it is too late now.
Second, she will likely get crankier and just say more mean things.
Lastly, what good would come from the confrontation? If this is her attitude, you are not likely getting an apology. It will just create more family conflict.
If she were a younger person, someone you see all the time, and someone who could comprehend her insulting ways, I would say that you should talk to her about it. But confrontation in the family could hurt your relationship with inlaws and I don't think she is worth it.
I agree with the poster that said "blatantly hurting someone's feelings is not ok"- but I don't think telling one sister that she is skinny while one that might not be is right there is blatantly hurting someone. For sure it is not being very considerate, but old people tend to lose their "filters" as they age. It is not that you are making an excuse for the older person, it is that you are understanding that older people tend to be "out there" and not very thoughtful before they speak sometimes!
Re-read some of the ops comments- I actually think that your inlaws were in the wrong. They should have just kept it to themselves, or talked to your sister directly. You should not be bothered with this stuff in regard to your own wedding.
Also, that makes the info second-hand info....and you did not hear any inflection or "intent".
I still vote you should leave it alone. She won't remember or know what you mean anyway, and your in-laws may end up dragged into it and conflict coulc occur. It just doesn't seem worth it to me.
I'm with the ... "ugh, its just grandma being grandma crowd" on this one. I think older people really dont' have a filter and probably even worse with age if they were like that their whole life. I also second what @orcle said... it may be mean to have said out loud, but it was just an observation. Would it be better to know that people simply thought it? I'd almost prefer to have it said to my face if people are going to think something mean, then at least I have a chance to defend myself if I care to or even cared what they think.
Let me be clear - while I understand the point of view that we should let it slide, DH will not go with that plan. Period. My issue is HOW to address the issue, and help him make a plan to address it, because if I tell him to leave it alone, he will just do whatever he wants (ie lay into his grandma the next time he sees her).
If I can make a plan with him about how to talk to her about it, then he will be reasonable and go with our plan, but if I suggest letting it slide, he will just shut down that suggestions and do what he wants to. He is a nice guy, and cares about my family, but he is no doormat.
I'm sorry this happened.
I'm going to take another tack. I know what it's like to have a toxic family member who never has anything good to say, always belittles, and shows their disapproval through dirty looks or outright comments. When it's happened all of your life, sometimes you just snap. It sounds like this is happened with your DH...basically, she said something not so nice, to someone outside the family (who may not have experience dealing with this brand of crazy). That this person happens to be someone that he clearly cares about, it must REALLY sting...hence his "overreaction".
I have to say that as we don't know the history of mean comments and, hey, it's HIS grandmother, it's difficult to say whether he's being unfair. To me, it sounds like he's put up with it his entire life and it was one thing when she insulted family members, because they could easily say "hey...it's grandma...she's nuts". Now, she's stepped over the line that has been clearly drawn. I would also argue that if his parents (who really should have wheeled granny away) felt that this comment needed to be apologized for, that kind of gets rid of the whole "he said, she said, what was her intent" part. They clearly felt grandma was out of line.
I think that you should try to convince your husband to try saying to his grandmother that what she said hurt your sister and embarrassed him. Her reaction would be the key to how to proceed. IF she apologizes (which seems unlikely), then cool. If not, maybe that's when he should explain that her behaviour is unacceptable and if she's not going to keep a lid on every thought that comes into her head, she's not going to be welcome places. He
Here's the thing: My toxic relative is not going to be allowed to make my future children feel the way the she made me feel. She gets one chance. That might seem unfair, but I've explained and explained to her how her comments throughout my life have made me feel and the most I have ever gotten is "It goes both ways. YOU didn't invite me to your birthday party when you were 5." (that is a direct quote).
I wish you luck with this...because it's such a difficult conversation to have and it must be awful for him to feel this way about his grandmother.
While I agree that the "she's just old" and "let it go" approach isn't necessarily appropriate, it sounds as though his grandmother is being his grandmother and she's just not going to change for anyone. Limiting her exposure to people not in her immediate family might be helpful in the future, but it's only going to cause drama and friction to make a to-do about it.
What I mean is, you can just not invite her to things without making sure she knows she won't get an invitation first-hand.
If there's anyone who should be addressed here, I think it's your husband's parents. They are not mutes, right? What was stopping them from apologizing for her behavior when the incident happened?
@teaadntoast: I totally agree that his parents should have addresses the comment right then and there, and we said right when they told us that they should have stepped in right at that moment. But they just replied "Well that is just grandma and there is nothing that we can do about it".
My family just deals with such things differently I guess, when my 93 year old grandma says something out of line, someone says "Grandma, that isn't nice and you should apologize" and she does. I think that his grandma has been like this all her life and that they are used to just trying to backtrack and apologize rather than address the behaviour head on. This is actually a problem in his family in general - they want to be "nice" but instead dance around problems and generally avoid dealing with things that are hurtful.
DH has spent far too much time with my direct family who tend to approach things head on, and don't let things slide if they could hurt someone ...
I really don't know what else to say. Your husband needs to man up and realize she's an old lady who is his blood not some passing jerk on the street he can belittle. Treating hate with hate never gets anyone anywhere. If he is going to talk to anyone about it, it needs to be his parents who have enabled this behavior, not unknowing - unsuspecting grandma. If he was there then sure, "grandma, it's not nice to talk about my wife's family in that manner."
Use a sports analogy, A (insert favorite sport) player stepped out of bounds during the play but no one stopped the play. Do you yell at the player for stepping out or the ref? You would yell at the ref. It's not his role to yell at the offending player. The ref should have got it.
I can imagine telling the grandma she hurt your sisters feelings but I feel this is getting blown a bit out of proportion. It was rude on grandmas part, especially if she hadn't talked to them before. But I get called the milkmans daughter all the time because I have a dark Italian father (with some mixed genes in there) and I'm blond and blue eyed. She could have just even been commenting on build than weight. If I cut out everyone from our lives who commented on the physical differences between me and my sisters (yeah plenty of built like a linebacker comments for how two of my sisters shoulders are, and they are not overweight, it's just on build that people comment) we'd be on a short list. Sure, people say rude things, and so you say hey, that hurt my feelings, but you don't cut family out of your life, especially grandparents.
My FH's grandma was exactlyyyyyyyyy the same way. The first couple of times that I met.. she made me cry!!!! But that's another story..
Some old people are bitter.. it's just the way they are. Unfortunately nothing you can do or say that will change them.. that's just something you deal with.
It's very upsetting that it happened, but you have to explain to your sister and your DH that they shouldn't take it to heart.. instead just brush it off and move on. Know yourself that you're better then that.. and that your sister is beautiful no matter what.. and that's it. :) Hope this helps!
Ok I'm going to be one of the few people that actually answers your question instead of saying things like "It could be worse" or "Your husband needs to man up." Those statements are rude and if I was the OP I would be pretty annoyed.
I would just tell her that what she said was hurtful and that she will no longer be invited to any events that include your family. Simple and to the point. I wouldn't bother going into anymore detail because honestly it isn't going to get you anwhere. Just tell her what she did wrong and the consequences for that behavior.
If no one has ever called her out on her behavior-I don't think it's right that DH cut her off completely all of a sudden. His whole family knows what she is like, yet no one has ever said anything to her? She is acting in what she thinks (or pretends to think) is "normal" fashion. I think in order to play fair, someone needs to talk to her. If she doesn't change her ways, THEN think about cutting off all contact
@mncrk09: She wanted to know how to get her husband to cool down as he wants to "tear up the thank you and replace it with a scathing letter." She then said, "My issue is HOW to address the issue, and help him make a plan to address it, because if I tell him to leave it alone, he will just do whatever he wants (ie lay into his grandma the next time he sees her)."
Any man, that will send a scathing letter to an old woman who has no idea this situation is even happening and wants to "lay into her" needs to be the bigger man. I meant no offense by my comment but stand by it. She wanted to know how she could get him to lay lower and i offered a more than helpful way of putting it that a man might understand. How was that not answering her question which was asked directly? Many people have tried to answer this question for her, and have already said to simply say that she hurt people and let that be the end.
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