Not sure how to deal with my DH anymore…(long..sorry)

posted 3 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
291 posts
Helper bee

Wow hun, thats a hard and horrilbe environment to be in! Could you tell him to kindly back off, that the pressure is stressing you out and you are worried about the future which is okay to be. I dare say he is too but not showing it in the right way, fact it seems he’s lashing out at you and trying to control a little bit. 

Maybe ask for his help one night to find jobs together? So he can see with his own eyes how hard it is. Have you told him how it makes you feel when he says these things?

Post # 4
Member
1888 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

@becca83:  I feel for you.  I just finished moving with my FI and while we have a great relationship we fought the entire month.  Moving is the hardest thing a couple can do, I thought everyone was joking when they said that, but trust me it’s an understantment.  My advice is to sit down when you are both calm (and away from the piles of packing boxes) and talk about your plansf.  I don’t know about you, but during our move I thought my FI was the only being awful, in retrospect I was doing my fair share.  It also doesn’t help that you’re moving during the already stressful holiday season.  I’d imagine that he does love you, but moving brings out the worst (and the insecxurities) in everyone.  Just breathe it will all work out in the end.

Post # 5
Member
547 posts
Busy bee

@becca83:  Let me address the, “You want a baby, I don’t”, situation. Having a baby makes everything much harder, and makes every issue way more pronounced. If he isn’t even wanting to be a father (for the rest of his life, not something you should do to please your wife), then you need to stop TTC immediately. If you two can’t get on the same page, either you’ll have to settle for never being a mother, or you’ll have to divorce. The partner who doesn’t want a child should not be the one to compromise in this situation because a child should not be brought into the world knowing one parent isn’t om board. That is an irresponsible, selfish thing to do.

Post # 6
cherrypieBee
1059 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2008 - A tiny town just outside of Glacier National Park

You two may want to consider couples counseling to work through these issues. It sounds like you’re both going to have a hard time not being defensive with each other and protecting yourselves when approaching this conversation because you’re in a harmful/fearful communication pattern. My DH and I found couples counseling to be immensely helpful in starting to understand the nit-picky, bean-county things about the other person that had us on edge, and we gradually started being able to talk about the things that bother us without being defensive. Give it a shot?

Post # 7
Member
4494 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

Where you live and work is a huge deal and is absolutely a “we” decision.  He’s acting like a brat.  As far as “not trying hard enough” to find a job, he’s aware that the economy’s been crappy for a while, right?  

 

I don’t think he’s fighting fair right now – he’s throwing things into this (ex: cats) that have nothing to do with the issue at hand.  when people start fighting unfairly like that, it’s usually because deep down they know they’re wrong, but are trying to find a way to deflect that.  When you guys have cooled down a bit have a talk about it again.  Where you guys live should be a mutual decision because you guys are partners and a team.

Post # 8
Member
871 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

@becca83:  I second counseling. He sounds very immature and like he tries to blame the world for his problems and thinks throwing a hissy will get him what he wants. He may need an impartial third party to help him understand why this is inappropriate behavior.My FI and I are long distance as I moved for graduate school and he is still searching for a job. He is very stressed out and unhappy because of how long it is taking and I couldn’t imagine berating him during such a hard time and having him narrow his search options. It sounds like something way more is going on that you guys need to get to the bottom of. Hugs and good luck! I hope things start getting easier! 

Post # 10
Member
4494 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

@IheartUFC:  I agree with you that they should not TTC if he feels like she’s “getting her way and he isn’t” (although I think it’s BS for him to say this, since she’s not putting a gun to his head and forcing him to help her make a baby).  Point is, if he resents this already, TTC is a bad idea.

Post # 14
Member
291 posts
Helper bee

@becca83:  I really don’t think thats fare. He is meant to support you, not tare you down! 

Post # 15
cherrypieBee
1059 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2008 - A tiny town just outside of Glacier National Park

@becca83:  You might be able to! I had a difficult time convincing Mr Cherry Pie to go with me, but here’s an approach you might consider: We like to attempt a lot of things ourselves, but after we struggle with them for long enough, we will look for advice from a professional — either in an article, a book, or by hiring someone to do the job or guide us through it. If this is true for something as minor as fixing a toilet or a car or applying siding to a house, why shouldn’t it be true for far more important things in our lives, like love, marriage, and parenting?

We have a huge stigma against asking for the help of a professional in these matters, but they are TRULY the most important things in which we can ask for help. We assume we should “know how” to do them and “work it out on our own,” but why? Why more than anything else? Why more than far less important things? I think these are the things we most deserve to ask for help and be willing to listen to new approaches on when our current approach isn’t working!

Post # 16
cherrypieBee
1059 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2008 - A tiny town just outside of Glacier National Park

Also, having children is like setting a bomb off in your relationship. If you are TTC, you ought to strengthen your partnership and your communication now, before baby arrives, because baby will add LOTS more stress to your relationship. Already fearful and defensive communication habits will lead to further fragmentation. Think of counseling as an investment, like going to the gym, for your marriage. It does take work, and results are not immediate, but you get stronger overall!

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