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Sometimes men and women see things differently. There may not a single valid reason why he thinks you need a ring but that is not a decision that he can make alone, if you want a ring and he wants you, then you have to compromise. Just make sure this doesn't feel like it's more about the ring then him, is this a ring that is already picked out or just any ring would do?
I think a ring makes it really feel official and not just a promise. It shows the world you are serious about getting married. Its when it goes from just talking about getting married to actually planning to get married. And its pretty and makes you feel special.
@quirkyparsnip: Thank you so much! That really puts words to how I feel, I just couldn't think of them. :)
Maybe before you talk about THE ring, you should talk about his, um, spending habits. Is he not able to pay his credit card bill in full each month? Yet he's buying "unnecessary" things? That's not very responsible. Just a thought. Is it that he doesn't want to propose yet or is there something else going on?
my FI is just like your bf. he got a really amazing tax return this year, but told me he only got back about $300. then he proceeded to spend that exact amount of money in front of me on really frivolous things! I was sooooo mad because in my mind, that money could have been put towards a ring since we are both students, any extra money is a big deal (we've been together since we were 16..9 years)! anyway, it turns out that he just wanted me to have no idea the proposal was coming since we talked about it all the time. so when he proposed i was completely SHOCKED!! so try not to give your man a hard time, you never know what they have up their sleeves!!
@ejs4y8: He hasn't been able to pay off his credit card each month in a very long time (since before he ever knew I existed) due to bad spending habbits when he was in college. He's gotten much better since we've been together (we live together and have one joint account to pay bills out of, and I'm miss "Budgeteer" (I'm actaully kind of crazy about budgeting, lol!) so he in turn has gotten much better with money lately too). This is his one "splurge" that he put on his credit card in the last year--everything else he's saved for. But those were my thoughts exactly: is it really that he's concerned about the money or just that he isn't ready yet? I think the main issue though is that what we each see as "unnecessary" are very different. He sees my ring as "impractial" in some ways and as a "splurge" and I see buying all the computers in the state of Georgia as a splurge and my ring as necessary. Not sure where to go from there...
@suttonista: it's a ring already picked out. I gave him a list of options that fit my style and he picked the one he liked best. :)...although right now I would take any ring as long as he proposed with it.
Maybe you can tell him that now, that it's about him, and the meaning of the ring.
That any ring would thrill you, and $ is not a factor. Pick out a more "practical" ring, and use that word when you show him.
Pick out a non-diamond, maybe your favorite gemstone or favorite color gem, in sterling silver. Or a CZ.
You can always upgrade and then your original ring can be a right-hand ring later.
Wow. I think my feelings would be hurt if my FI did that to me. I even accepted a proposal with no ring. It was so out of the blue he forgot the ring LOL. I didn't mind waiting for the ring. Which it did a few months later and he proposed again...via yahoo web messenger while he was in Iraq. I really think the problem here is he was able to purchase a ring but didn't.
I think you need to ask the BIG question. The one that asks "do you want to marry me? and when?" If his time line doesn't fit with yours, then it may be time to take a deep look into the mirror about what you really want.
I agree with all the previous posters. From my own experience of not having an engagement ring, I will go from the practical side. He will end up paying much more down the line. My husband didn't realize how important a ring was, and as time went on and he figured it out, he's been buying me jewelry for every anniversary, birthday and christmas. I have every kind of stone you can name in earrings and necklaces. I could probably purchase a small country with all the jewelry he's given me! And then I gave birth to two boys! My sons know the importance of the enagement ring. But I digress......
It's the ceremony of it, it's the commitment of it, it's the specialness of an official proposal, it's a man thinking beyond himself and of what the woman he loves needs.
I'm sure he loves you, and it's obvious he thinks of gifts in the manner of things you need. But sometimes a man needs to think of things we, as women or individuals, want. Maybe you can have him read this post?
I think this is all such great advice!
Maybe also the issue is that you disagree over how to spend money....you don't respect that he charged the computer to his credit card. These things will undoubtedly come up when you're married as well.
Or on the more optimistic side: he could just be trying to throw you off the trail of his proposal. Maybe he spent cash on that ring and put the computer on his credit card :-)
Okay, here's the thing. He didn't *need* a computer any more than you *need* a ring. (and let's face it, that wasn't even a gift for YOU! He already gave you a computer of your own, so to me it seems like this desktop computer was basically for him, disguised as an "us" purchase. Not a gift!! And NOT a substitute for an engagement ring for goodness' sake! LOL!) That would really upset me if I were in your shoes, the fact that he chose to buy the computer instead. Especially since money's a little tight and a big purchase like that makes another big purchase right now kinda out of the question.
If he wants a reason as to why it's in any way "practical" for you to have a ring, the obvious answer to me would be, "Would you not like me to have something I can physically show to men who are hitting on me that indicates I am taken?" Hello?! That, in all honesty, is what the ring is *for*... aside from it being a tangible promise that he intends to make you his wife.
Girl you deserve a real proposal with a real ring! And while getting a less-expensive ring now to upgrade later is an option, personally, I would be pissed if he blew what, a couple grand on a computer (that benefits HIM) and then gave me some cheapo ring. :-/ Kinda shows where his priorties lie.
I hope you're able to explain to him why this is important and that it results in some good progress on the matter! You are so sweet, I'm sure you'll do a great job handling the convo. Good luck!! :)
Whew girl, I asked myself this question many times. Like you, I'm not incredibly traditional, and I went back and forth trying to decide if a ring was an absolute necessity for me. In the end, I decided it was.
I mean, I get it, an engagement ring is just a peice of jewelry. However, that peice of jewelry is one that you will hopefully wear for the rest of your life. It will take on a very precious significance to your and your FI that will forever remind you of the love and bond you share with one another. It's a keepsake and a symbol.
As lame or "materialistic" as it may sound, as "waiting" women, I believe that having something tangible sets our hearts at ease. My boyfriend and I live together and make financial and life decisions as a couple. We have 'talked marriage' from the beginning and bring up our wedding as a 'when' and not an 'if'. Many people could argue that all we would have to do is verbally decide we were engaged and that would be that. But I've already told my boyfriend that as easy as that would be, a proper proposal and a ring is something I just simply need. He can tell me he can't wait to marry me as much as he damn well pleases, but until he presents me with a ring, it's not an absolute promise to wed.
I really hope you can use some of our advice and talk to your boyfriend openly! I'm hopeful that you two will make some solid progress towards engagement. It sounds like he really cares for you, but I know from experience that simple, practical men are hard to sway, heh.
Good luck!!
i had a similar conversation with my mister. he asked if he could just get me like a candy ring and just get married. i thought about it but ultimately i told him no. my reasoning is because the ring is a symbol of our commitment to one another and our intentions of becoming husband and wife. whenever i look at my promise ring i think about the day he gave it to me [we shopped for it together] and the words he said and how the ring symbollized his intention to make me his wife. the engagement ring will symbolize the moment he asked me to be his wife and the wedding band will symbolize the moment i became his wife. i want to be able to carry those moments with me always.
he understood my reasoning and i think it helped him as well. he definitely appreciated hearing that.
besides, there's no way i would be able to NOT eat the candy ring! lol.
One reason I would give for wanting a ring rather than a computer is that the ring is something you will wear publicly forever, and be able to pass down to your children. The computer does not meet any of those criteria :)
Also, have many of his friends gotten married? I think for guys it can become something of a competition. I don't think my DH would have felt comfortable around his friends without buying me a ring, as silly as it seems :)
For me, it was really the public view. I knew lots our relationship was hardly any different (and better than some) of our friends, but I was so jealous of how they were able to publicly show they had a partner.
I also know this sucks, but for me it was also about the title. After three years together and going through a lot of other stuff I wanted to be able to refer to him as something more official than "boyfriend"
@mountain.bride: Definitely agree! Thank you! He's actually the last of all of his friends to be single. lol! which actually makes it really hard for me when I'm around everyone b/c they're all wives of someone and it's official and I'm just the girlfriend. That brings me to...
@caszos: I totally understand the title thing. He actually calls me his "wife" in front of his friends or says things like, "I'll have to confur with the wife about that," etc. It's really cute sometimes b/c everyone knows that we're basically married already, but deep down it also kind of hurts my feelings b/c I know that we're not actually married or engaged. There's a large age difference b/w us (11 years) but I've always had older friends (most of my best girl friends are about 6-7 years older than me), and they're all married by now too. It just makes me sad when I'm around them sometimes b/c I always feel like I'm just the "little girl with the boyfriend" if that makes any sense at all...thank you for your input very much! It helps to know I'm not the only one that feels this way. :)
@everyone!! Thank you so much! You all give such great advice! I'm going to try to have a little convo with him tonight or sometime this week (he's waiting to hear about a job interview this week so I don't want to stress him out more--may wait til he hear's about that soe he's a little more relaxed ;). But will let everyone know how it goes! Love you girls!
A ring is a very special and fun symbol of the promise you've both madem for this reason it should not be just anything BUT that doesn't mean it has to cost as much as a mac.
Does he know you will take any ring? If not I would tell him. I wouldn't say just any ring though. I'd say "any thoughtful and beautiful ring in a price range you can afford." There are many lovely rings for under 500.
If you tell him this he will have no excuse and who knows maybe it will be what drives him to buy THE ring now. He might just need to see that the ring is a symbol not the purchase price for your hand.
Best of luck! Sounds like he def wants to marry you. Just make the ring romantic, not material.
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...to him why I need a ring.
BF is a computer programmer, and a very practical man. For my birthday last year, he bought me the lap top I'd been wanting (I'm a photographer and needed it to do more efficient editing). Then for Christmas he got me camera equipment...same with valentine's day...you get the picture. I'm so incredibly grateful for all of these thoughtful gifts and that he's such a sweet man that he would think to get me these things that I really needed, but at some point, I just really need the one thing that I want: aka: THE RING!
Recently he told me that he was going to propose in just a couple months after he paid a litle more off on his credit card. But then last week he went out an got us a Mac desktop computer for our office (for his programming and my editing), which came out to the exact same price as my ring he has picked out, and he put it on his credit card.
I'm trying not to sound so selfish and bitter--I'm really not--because I know how lucky I am to have such a sweet, thoughtful man, but like I said, he is VERY practical. Please don't think me ungrateful, and I've certainly never been the slightest bit materialistic. It's just that at some point, I just need the one thing that isn't practical (in his mind).
So, last night, I told him that it kind of hurt my feelings in a way that he went out and bought something so expensive when he's been saying for the past year that the reason he hasn't proposed yet is because of money and buying the ring. I told him how it made me think that there was another reason he wasn't proposing and made me worry a little. He assured me that there was not other reason, and he just knew that we really needed this new computer and whatnot...
Then he asked me if I would take the computer as my "ring" and we could just go ahead and get married. As nice as that would be, I need to have a ring. I'm not a very traditional girl AT ALL, but in this one aspect I am, and I just really do need a ring (I've tried before to convince myself that I didn't b/c he's made similar offers before, but I just really do).
The problem, however, is that I just couldn't find a way to explain to him why I needed a ring. That's where you come in, my lovely ladies. :) How would you explain such a thing to your man (or my man ;)? My BF and I are best friends, and I feel like we're totally in sync in everything but this one explaination. i just need a way to try and help him understand why I need something so bad that seems so "un-useful" or "impractical" in his eyes.
I did try to give him a few reasons last night as to why I needed a ring, but I'm not sure he totally gets those either. We met online, so we don't really have a cute "how we met" story. Like I told him, I really want a cute "how he proposed" story to tell people when they ask. And you know that the minute I tell all my girl friends we're engaged, they're ganna want to see the ring. I can't very well carry a computer around on my hand. Besides that it's just something that I really want. I couldn't figure out last night, however, how to explain why I want a ring.
Help please???