(Closed) Not sure how to explain…

posted 8 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Member
354 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2010

Sometimes men and women see things differently.  There may not a single valid reason why he thinks you need a ring but that is not a decision that he can make alone, if you want a ring and he wants you, then you have to compromise.  Just make sure this doesn’t feel like it’s more about the ring then him, is this a ring that is already picked out or just any ring would do?

Post # 4
Member
339 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

I think a ring makes it really feel official and not just a promise. It shows the world you are serious about getting married. Its when it goes from just talking about getting married to actually planning to get married. And its pretty and makes you feel special. 

Post # 6
Member
14186 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

Maybe before you talk about THE ring, you should talk about his, um, spending habits. Is he not able to pay his credit card bill in full each month? Yet he’s buying “unnecessary” things? That’s not very responsible. Just a thought. Is it that he doesn’t want to propose yet or is there something else going on?

Post # 7
Member
687 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

my FI is just like your bf. he got a really amazing tax return this year, but told me he only got back about $300. then he proceeded to spend that exact amount of money in front of me on really frivolous things! I was sooooo mad because in my mind, that money could have been put towards a ring since we are both students, any extra money is a big deal (we’ve been together since we were 16..9 years)! anyway, it turns out that he just wanted me to have no idea the proposal was coming since we talked about it all the time. so when he proposed i was completely SHOCKED!! so try not to give your man a hard time, you never know what they have up their sleeves!!

Post # 10
Member
938 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2015

Maybe you can tell him that now, that it’s about him, and the meaning of the ring.

That any ring would thrill you, and $ is not a factor. Pick out a more “practical” ring, and use that word when you show him.

Pick out a non-diamond, maybe your favorite gemstone or favorite color gem, in sterling silver. Or a CZ.

You can always upgrade and then your original ring can be a right-hand ring later.

Post # 11
Member
513 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

Wow. I think my feelings would be hurt if my FI did that to me. I even accepted a proposal with no ring. It was so out of the blue he forgot the ring LOL. I didn’t mind waiting for the ring.  Which it did a few months later and he proposed again…via yahoo web messenger while he was in Iraq. I really think the problem here is he was able to purchase a ring but didn’t. 

I think you need to ask the BIG question. The one that asks “do you want to marry me? and when?” If his time line doesn’t fit with yours, then it may be time to take a deep look into the mirror about what you really want.

Post # 12
Member
581 posts
Busy bee

I agree with all the previous posters.  From my own experience of not having an engagement ring, I will go from the practical side.  He will end up paying much more down the line.  My husband didn’t realize how important a ring was, and as time went on and he figured it out, he’s been buying me jewelry for every anniversary, birthday and christmas.  I have every kind of stone you can name in earrings and necklaces.  I could probably purchase a small country with all the jewelry he’s given me!  And then I gave birth to two boys!  My sons know the importance of the enagement ring.  But I digress……

It’s the ceremony of it, it’s the commitment of it, it’s the specialness of an official proposal, it’s a man thinking beyond himself and of what the woman he loves needs.

I’m sure he loves you, and it’s obvious he thinks of gifts in the manner of things you need.  But sometimes a man needs to think of things we, as women or individuals, want.  Maybe you can have him read this post?

Post # 13
Member
938 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2015

I think this is all such great advice!

Maybe also the issue is that you disagree over how to spend money….you don’t respect that he charged the computer to his credit card. These things will undoubtedly come up when you’re married as well.

Or on the more optimistic side: he could just be trying to throw you off the trail of his proposal. Maybe he spent cash on that ring and put the computer on his credit card ๐Ÿ™‚

Post # 14
Member
1729 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

Okay, here’s the thing. He didn’t *need* a computer any more than you *need* a ring. (and let’s face it, that wasn’t even a gift for YOU! He already gave you a computer of your own, so to me it seems like this desktop computer was basically for him, disguised as an “us” purchase. Not a gift!! And NOT a substitute for an engagement ring for goodness’ sake! LOL!) That would really upset me if I were in your shoes, the fact that he chose to buy the computer instead. Especially since money’s a little tight and a big purchase like that makes another big purchase right now kinda out of the question.

If he wants a reason as to why it’s in any way “practical” for you to have a ring, the obvious answer to me would be, “Would you not like me to have something I can physically show to men who are hitting on me that indicates I am taken?” Hello?! That, in all honesty, is what the ring is *for*… aside from it being a tangible promise that he intends to make you his wife.

Girl you deserve a real proposal with a real ring! And while getting a less-expensive ring now to upgrade later is an option, personally, I would be pissed if he blew what, a couple grand on a computer (that benefits HIM) and then gave me some cheapo ring. :-/ Kinda shows where his priorties lie.

I hope you’re able to explain to him why this is important and that it results in some good progress on the matter! You are so sweet, I’m sure you’ll do a great job handling the convo. Good luck!! ๐Ÿ™‚

Post # 15
Member
289 posts
Helper bee

Whew girl, I asked myself this question many times. Like you, I’m not incredibly traditional, and I went back and forth trying to decide if a ring was an absolute necessity for me. In the end, I decided it was.

I mean, I get it, an engagement ring is just a peice of jewelry. However, that peice of jewelry is one that you will hopefully wear for the rest of your life. It will take on a very precious significance to your and your FI that will forever remind you of the love and bond you share with one another. It’s a keepsake and a symbol.

As lame or “materialistic” as it may sound, as “waiting” women, I believe that having something tangible sets our hearts at ease. My boyfriend and I live together and make financial and life decisions as a couple. We have ‘talked marriage’ from the beginning and bring up our wedding as a ‘when’ and not an ‘if’. Many people could argue that all we would have to do is verbally decide we were engaged and that would be that. But I’ve already told my boyfriend that as easy as that would be, a proper proposal and a ring is something I just simply need. He can tell me he can’t wait to marry me as much as he damn well pleases, but until he presents me with a ring, it’s not an absolute promise to wed.

I really hope you can use some of our advice and talk to your boyfriend openly! I’m hopeful that you two will make some solid progress towards engagement. It sounds like he really cares for you, but I know from experience that simple, practical men are hard to sway, heh.

Good luck!!

 

Post # 16
Member
2408 posts
Buzzing bee

i had a similar conversation with my mister. he asked if he could just get me like a candy ring and just get married. i thought about it but ultimately i told him no. my reasoning is because the ring is a symbol of our commitment to one another and our intentions of becoming husband and wife. whenever i look at my promise ring i think about the day he gave it to me [we shopped for it together] and the words he said and how the ring symbollized his intention to make me his wife. the engagement ring will symbolize the moment he asked me to be his wife and the wedding band will symbolize the moment i became his wife. i want to be able to carry those moments with me always.

he understood my reasoning and i think it helped him as well. he definitely appreciated hearing that.

besides, there’s no way i would be able to NOT eat the candy ring! lol.

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