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I don't know...it kinda sounds like 'D' just wants the gifts from you. Maybe that's me being cynical, but that's how I would take it
ok I hate to be so cynical and think the worst of someone but my first thought would be that she's inviting you for the gift :\ I could totally totally be completely wrong but to invite people out of nowhere like that that you dont make an effort with on a regular basis is just weird to me. I would not send a gift and I would just politely decline the invite and say a quick congrats. And no I would not feel bad about not inviting her. It is a day to celebrate with those you love and who love you and who are an active or important part of yours and your fi's life. She clearly is neither of those things.
ha! lindz629, I said the same thing! at least im not the only cynical one lol
Do you know how big you want your wedding? If it's going to be really small (like under 50 or so people), I wouldn't invite her. I would still explain to her the situation so as not to ruin the friendship. If your wedding is going to be bigger, I'd go ahead and invite her, since obviously she still wants you to be involved in the major events in her life and it's really not worth losing a friendship. Just my two cents.
i agree with the other posters. D just wants a gift....if it was more than that she would attempt to hang out with you other times than besides when it involves a gift or celebrating some new excitement in her life. Respond that you cannot attend and maybe send her a congrats card.
I also would not feel bad about her not being invited to your wedding. I can see how you feel how you do but try not to feel bad.
Good luck :)
I agree with lindz629. I wouldn't feel bad about not inviting her to your wedding and I wouldn't send a gift either.
dude, D doesn't want you there - she wants your gifts. don't feel weird about not inviting her, you guys aren't even friends anymore.
She might be inviting you for the gift - but usually the cost per guest is higher than gift amount, so I'm not sure that's necessarily the case. I guess if she lives far away and was basically assuming that you and N wouldn't make the effort to come, she might be motivated by financial gain.
My thought is this - while some people have more intimate weddings (due to budget, personal preferences, etc), some choose to have a huge wedding and invite everyone they ever knew. Maybe she wanted to have a big blowout wedding and invite a ton of people. Maybe she doesn't have a ton of family/friends, but wanted a large number of guests at the event, so extended her guest list to former friends/acquaintances.
In any case, I don't think you should invite her if you don't want to. You already realize that this will probably kill what's left of your relationship but it honestly doesn't sound like a big loss at this point.
Honestly, I'm glad I'm not alone in this, but the first thing I thought was gift grubbing. Honestly, if she hasn't contacted either of you back after years, I feel like it's kind of past rekindling.
lindz629: I was thinking the same thing!
If she was a real friend, she would contact you other times, not just when its a party for her. I wouldn't feel bad about not inviting her, and I wouldn't.
I am going to see it from a different angle then the others. I think that there are certain life situations that make us want to reconnect with certain people that have shared life experiences. I would give her the benefit of the doubt, I mean what are you really out with trying? A gift is all you are out if she isn't sincere, but if she is sincere then you have reconnected with a great old friend.
Did D move around a few times in her life? You mentioned she moved in to your school during your junior year of HS.
Here's my take on it:
I moved a few times growing up and sometimes, I'm kinda awkward with the "catching up" or "small talk". but I still value my friendships.
Yes, D should be better at hanging out with you and N but, I think we all know that life gets crazy sometimes! She's clearly been very busy lately and has a lot on her plate but she still wants you to be included in the big things in life.
If you can't go to her baby shower, I would really push for a lunch between the three of you to "celebrate" the baby without going to the baby shower.
OR...maybe your names are the default female invite list....??
something to think about though is that if she is not paying for these events herself and the cost of the guest list isnt any issue to her than the idea of the cost per guest costing more than the gift does not apply to her. To her its only the idea that more guests equals more gifts.
I think it is jumping to conclusions that she is gift grabbing. I would give her the benefit of the doubt and think along the lines of what tksjewelry said. However, I do not think that you should feel obligated to invite her to your wedding because she invited you to the shower. Also, maybe she invited you to the shower because she wanted to be invited to your wedding... ?
amyisnice...you really are nice :) me? not so much :( fail....
I have another perspective because I have similar friends...I have those I'm extremely intimate with and talk to on a regular basis..and i have those I see or hear from once a year.
I considered myself super close with one. She and I have been friends for the longest time..20 years. She's quiet and so am I, so we both don't really have much to share when we get together..but we love each other and when we do get to see each other (which is once a year if even that), we do enjoy each other's company. Neither of us are phone people, so we don't call. However..i do like knowing that i'm still involved with her life, however big or small.
With that said..you obviously know how your relationship works more than any of us. If your friendship is one you would like to dissolve, then you have every right to so. I would just let your friendship takes its course at this point...RSVP no to the baby shower and let her know you're not available. I wouldn't make her feel bad by suggesting she is inviting you for gifts..because that may not be her intention. She might just invited you to share in her joy because you had a history together and thought space separates you, you're still her friend. In the off chance that's true..you won't have to feel bad about being the reason for the failed friendship.
Thanks everyone for the replies.
I don't really think D is a gift grabber. As much as it sounds like it, she just isn't that type of person. I honestly think she would be genuinely sad if I couldn't attend. It's like she wants to make an effort to be friends, but just doesn't.
@Pinkpinstripes: D, N & I grew up in the same town. She attended private school but then switched to our public school. We all had mutual friends already, so she wasn't the new kid in town. In fact, she was very popular as soon as she came to our school. The weird thing is, after she moved to our school she really lost touch with all her friends from her private school. And when she went to college, she lost touch with us. I sort of think she is incapable of keeping friends who aren't "in the moment" so to speak.
I truly think she believes we are all still friends. But it is such a strange situation. I've probably spoken three sentences to her husband my entire life. I'm excited for them that they are having a baby, but I just don't know her anymore.
If it is an attempt at rekindling your friendship, it's a pretty lame one. She probably means well, but if she actually wants to reconnect with you it's going to take more effort than a couple of invitations to major events. It reminds me of people I haven't seen for a decade who add me on Facebook and then never say anything.
I would probably send a nice card and skip the gift.
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Hopefully I can tell this story without it being too confusing and too long!
In high school, I had a group of friends who all hung out together, but 3 of us were really close (I will call my two friends D & N). D came to our school junior year but we all bonded before graduation. I'd known N since middle school.
Anyway, we all went on to college. N & I went to the same school but we didn't stay that close and only talked occasionally. D went to school in a different state, and while we talked on a regular basis for the first semester, we stopped communicating after that.
It's now been a few years since college graduation, and N & I are close and have mended some issues we had from high school. N has tried repeatedly over the past few years to get in touch with/hang out with D but to no avail. N has tried so many times to make plans, but D won't return her calls or commit to anything. I stopped trying to make plans after we had been out of high school for a couple of years and hadn't talked in awhile. D & I haven't hung out and "caught up" in about 5 years. N is still really upset by D's lack of friendship, whereas I have just decided to let it go (people change, lives change, etc.).
Anyway, the problem is that two years ago, D invited both N & I to her wedding. N & I felt really weird and out of place, because we hadn't really seen/talked to D in a long time. But we went, and we enjoyed ourselves, and that was that. We greeted D as she came around to each table, but that was the extent of our communication and we didn't even get a picture with her.
I'm getting married this summer and was NOT planning on inviting D. FI & I are paying for our own wedding and we tried to keep our guest list as small as possible. Plus there are a lot of other friends from high school that I've lost touch with and I'm not inviting them either.
Yesterday N & I each got an invitation in the mail to D's baby shower. I'm really at a loss here. It's like she still wants to be friends, but doesn't make any efforts besides inviting me to her big life events. I don't really feel guilty for not inviting her to the wedding, but I think it's going to cut off our friendship for good (or at least send D a message). I feel like in the early days after high school I did make an effort, and I can't really remember what happened to our friendship. I just remember D not really ever enjoying herself when she was around us, and never contacting us to make plans (we always had to set up the plans with her).
I can't go to D's baby shower as it is the same day as my sister's graduation. I will still probably send a gift.
I guess my question is: how should I feel about continuously being invited to D's big events but not inviting her to my own? Is there a reason why I should invite her? I just don't think the relationship is salvageable at this point - I don't even know her anymore, it's been years since we had a real in depth discussion. What do you think bees?