Post # 1
This was my husband’s second wedding and his parents chose not to help us financially, which is understandable I suppose. Anywho my parents helped a bunch, like there would be no wedding were it not for them, but we had to pinch pennies in many places. Most notably the flowers, bouquet, the bridesmaid’s bouquets, and the boutonnieres, my Mom and I made all of them ourselves (with purchased flowers). My husband’s Mom is a “very creative” person, and “loves to do crafts”, so he offered her services and she gladly agreed. The day of, however, she decided she wanted to go out with her sisters who had come in town (because none of them live here) and see the sights. I honestly wasn’t too offended since I was already pissed off about a few things (like how they used our home as a hangout for their family members, but then didn’t include us in the conversations and they had my husband cook and “show off his skills” but didn’t talk to him at all).
Little things stacked on top of little things which have turned into one major annoyance. One example of a little thing; his Mom refused to send me their new address so I could send a wedding invitation, not only so she could see what others would be sent, but so she could see the wedding website and add to it if she wanted. She borrowed a dress (for the wedding day) that was the same color as the bridesmaid’s dresses which I actually just thought was really strange. She offered to take my husband’s daughter the night of our wedding, so we could have sexy fun time alone (which if it wasn’t them then it would have been someone else), but then they called us at 7:30 the next morning to pick her up so they could go with their family members to some zoo thing that cost something like $20 a head, but refused to take her (we could have paid them back for it).
I had explained to my husband before that I felt like they just didn’t really give a crap about us together, I mean it took his mom like a year to learn my name.
We opened the gift they got for “us” together and it turned out to be a pair of running shoes (which he likes to do), they gushed about the shoes and how perfect they were for him and stuff. I don’t know to me that just seemed like the final jab, like they had come to our place to hang out and have a celebration for their son as long as it didn’t impede on their lives, or include me or his daughter. Maybe I am being a brat about it, but I was under the impression a wedding gift was supposed to be something both people could use (or even all three of us).
I can’t really talk to my husband about it, he doesn’t want to hear it and I understand, but am I wrong to feel slighted? How would you feel about the above?
Post # 2
- Wedding: June 2014 - San Francisco, CA
It sounds like a whole lot of little stuff that isn’t worth your emotional energy. I’m sorry you feel slighted (we’re going to feel how we’re going to feel, so all emotions are “valid” in that sense) but honestly I think you will feel a whole lot better when you let go of the angst you’re storing up about your and his parents. Holding a grudge is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die, right?
My MIL boycotted the wedding, threatened to sue me for the family heirloom engagement ring, spread rumors that I got knocked up so trick her son into marrying me (we’ve been dating for years, I’ve never been pregnant, we don’t want kids ever), and for a while refused to be in the presence of anyone who uttered my name. I’m kind of over her antics (although she’s starting to chill out a bit). My being angry doesn’t make her a nicer person, and your being slighted over the running shoes won’t make you MIL like you any better.
Hugs for getting off to a rough start; can’t believe she didn’t want to learn your name. Ugh. But yeah … three deep breaths, then let go.
Post # 3
Sones1985: Google Narcissistic Personality Disorder; her behaviour is typical of someone with NPD. The danger with this is that they are very clever, and very careful; they ensure that the little things they do are just that: little. That way, they can easily feign innocence, and most people will believe them.
Tread carefully, would be my advice; my MIL started out like this (small, subtle things here and there) and when that had no effect, she got worse. I could be wrong; I could be projecting. But I got some major red flags from your post. Things like offering to do something then letting you down at the last minute so that you can’t out alternate plans in place is textbook narc behaviour
Post # 4
Sones1985: No, you’re not wrong to feel slighted. But does it matter? Going forward, what good does it do you to feel slighted?
I’m a believer in the idea that conflict avoidence is sometimes the best conflict resolution. That said, in this situation it seems wrong that you can’t discuss these things with your husband. Unless you’re being an irrational nag about it, him refusing to discuss these issues does not bode well for your marriage. Maybe your MIL ignores you because she doesn’t think you’ll be around long-term? Or because your husband devalues you so she does too?
The MIL’s dress color is a non-issue, so you do seem unreasonable to even bother mentioning that. But if it was more about your MIL not putting any effort into her dress, I can see how that (coupled with other problems) would contribute to your feeling like she doesn’t care about you. The invite thing also seems like an overreaction, because if she actually didn’t want you to have their new address that is really messed up — probably she’s just disorganized and didn’t think it mattered. Also the “wedding” gift seems thoughtless and I’d be hurt, but hey, on the bright side, they’re contributing to your husband having a hot body! (;
It was your and your husband’s responsibility to arrange the specifics of childcare for your wedding night/day after. Why wasn’t a specific return time arranged beforehand? Or was there one but the inlaws changed it? Calling at 7:30 am the day after your wedding is a major jackass move…but it could’ve simply been a case of miscommunication. Maybe the inlaws thought taking her for the night really meant just the night?
Basically the only real problem here is your husband’s refusal to discuss things with you. Everything else you just need to let go. It won’t do you any good to hold a grudge against your inlaws. Just don’t rely on them for anything in the future.
Post # 5
My MIL has offered my FI a wedding gift specifically for him (but nothing me!) – I’m taking it as a rather sad sign of the fact she wants to keep him under her control.
Honestly, I think you’re right to feel a bit slighted, but it sounds like it’s something you’ll need to learn to let go of.
As PP said, your communication with your DH is the most important thing to focus on here.
Post # 6
- Wedding: October 2014 - Church
Sones1985: I don’t understand why your DH doesn’t want to talk to you about it, unless you have constantly harped about your MIL in the past and he could just not take anymore. I know that if it were me I would be very upset – while some of the things are things that should be minor and easy to let go (like the bm colour – it’s not like she wore white), I think that it is the buildup of absolutely everything that is making you focus on everything that has happened. I think that you need to try to let it go, as hard as it is, because it’s just not going to help. Have you ever heard of “killing someone with kindness”? That is what I would do with her because it shows others that (a) you are the bigger person and (b) it really drives that person mad. Also, do not rely on her for anything because she sounds very flaky/self-centered.
I would really try to speak to your DH about it, but don’t make it into an entire bitch fest (it sounds like you are ready to bubble over and just spew everything out). Sit him down and tell him you are concerned about your relationship with his mother and her relationship with you, as a couple. Pick and choose some of the examples (I would leave the colour of the dress she wore out of it). This is all, of course, if you really want a good relationship with MIL. If you do not then I would try to get over it and kill her with kindness.