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I would just lie. Say you invited him and claim he declined. If he's not an idiot (which he well may be) he won't mention it to his mom.
Or you could call/ email him saying you're aware what happened to FI and he will not be invited however should anyone ask either of you the plan is to say he was invited however he polietly declined due to other obligations. Essentially force him into lying by almost blackmailing him.
I don't know who it is (FI doesn't want to tell me and honestly I would have a hard time not freaking out of this guy so I won't push it) and I am not sure FI would feel comfortable calling him and confronting him about it. But if it comes down to it that is what we will do. Does anyone else have suggestions on how to handle it?
I think straight up lying is the only way you're going to get away with this. Otherwise questions will be asked and you may be forced into answering.
I really don't think it's healthy though for your FI to refuse to talk about this with you and even with his mom. Perhaps a counselling session may help him reach out. Consider this: don't you think his mom has some right to know that she supports and befriends a man who has committed child abuse? How can she possibly prevent such a re-occurrance? What about when uncle abuser would like to visit your children?
I really think you should convince FI to discuss this with his mother. I'd agree she'll probably put the fault on her, but a counsellor should be able to make him see dealing with this on his own isn't healty as well as help his mother see how she isn't at fault here. Molesters are OFTEN one of the family and very unsuspecting.
@keepquiet: I would just tell whomever asks about it that you never received a response and assumed it was a no. Then you can say the invite got lost in the mail and nobody is on the hook for anything. I wouldn't contact him because it's been this long and it may bring up even worse memories for your FI. If anyone asks if you called, just say yes and never heard back, it was busy, etc.
I would have your FI contact him (not by phone. That would be too hard) and tell him that due to circumstances in the past, he is not welcome at the wedding. And to keep families happy, discretion is appreciated.
aw so sad for your FI, dont invite him, if mom brings it up I agree just say you didnt hear back from him (which is true because you never invited him) if she pushes for it, maybe come clean
I'm not sure how well simply not sending the invitation would work. If this man and your FI's mother talk, and she assumes he is invited to the wedding and mentions something, then he says he didn't receive an invitation, she'll say "but of course you're invited, I'll tell keepquiet and FI that you plan to come."
I don't have any advice about what to do, I just caution you about not sending the invitation and assuming he won't find out/come anyway.
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I am a somewhat regular poster but didn't want FI to know I was asking about this (he knows my normal WB name) and I really need some advice...
FI was raised by his single mom and luckily (or unluckily in this case) her family was close enough that she got a lot of help (babysitting him, etc). One of her uncles or male cousins (not sure which) was babysitting FI alone when was about 5 and molested him (thank goodess it didn't go beyond touching and it only happened once). FI didn't know it was a bad thing then and sort of repressed the memory until a sex ed class in HS made him remember what happened. He knows it would kill his mom to tell her because she would think it's her fault for letting it happen but because she doesn't know and her family is very close, she wants this man invited to the wedding. He lives within a half an hour of where the wedding will take place so it's not unlikely he will show if he is invited. FI obviously doesn't want him there and neither do I. How do we not invite him but also not tell him mom what happened?