Post # 1
Fi and I are non-traditional to say the least- I say this to clarify my issues with the groomsperson is not their sex as I have two male bridesmen. I had no issue with this friend of FI’s our entire relationship (5 years) but unfortunately my boy and I are perhaps a little too open. I say this because he informed me she questioned his choice in deciding to marry me. Also because his best man is a close mutual friend and upon hearing of our impending nuptials she called him to talk some sh*t. Luckily, the best man shut it down out of respect for both of us. My struggle is dealing with this girl (and other names I’ve taken to calling her in my mind) being in our wedding party. I’ve informed Fi and his solution is to sit her down and tell her I don’t want her in the party. This ofcourse would make me the bad guy in the sitch which I don’t want since I feel the issues should be a mutual offense. I’ve repeatedly mentioned my issues at this point lie less with her and more that he would invite her after knowing her disapprovement and backstabby talk. I know it’s just one day, and I feel silly being this upset- but I don’t want to spend time/money with someone who loudly disapproves of my wedding. I can’t help it but I keep thinking of looking in my wedding photos and seeing someone unhappy for us.I feel foolish. How can I explain this better to my Fi so I don’t come off as a Bridezilla?? Thaks all. : (
Post # 3
Well, I agree that I wouldn’t want someone who clearly has so disrespect for my wedding standing beside me. All you can do is be honest and open. Your FI told you she had reservations, so just say something along the lines of “I’m not comfortable having someone who doesn’t support us 100% stand beside us”. I don’t think that would come across bridezilla-like. Big hugs.
Post # 4
If you and your FI are open people then it is probably safe to assuem that you surround yourself with likeminded people. Obviously the relationship between your FI and his friend is open and she came to him openly with her concerns which she is entitled to have.
Just because someone has concerns and airs them does not necessarily means it is disrespectful. And obviously your FI didn’t think she did this in a disresectful manner since they have remained friends. Also it doesn’t mean she is unhappy with your union- she could have been generally been concerned about her friend, asked some questions, expressed an opinion and now be happy for him to make his own choice after the discussion with him.
Persoanlly I take issues with friends starting drama. As in the bestman coming and telling you about a private conversation that was held between him and your FI’s friend. If you can’t talk about dislikes with your friends then who can you talk to them aout with?
Is she ever rude to you? Does she exclude you?
Post # 5
@j_jaye: Love my Fi but he operates on the old southern traditional mentality that if someone is an old friend or a family friend they can do no wrong/must be included in everything. Hence my wedding going from 50 people to 120. She has never been rude to my face but has apparently taken issue behind my back. I don’t take issue with the best man informing me, because for her to immediately hear of our plans and to talk disrespectfully of me, less of the wedding but of my character/likes/family, he would not be a great friend to hide her backsass. He too takes issue with her being included as she clearly has a problem with my FI and I being married. It’s a small town southern world and everyone thinks they know best, if I thought she was just double checking on our 5 year relationship I’d be less concerned. My annoyance is this seemingly came out of left field that she absolutely disapproves of the nuptials yet still agrees to be in the party. Again, small southern town. There is no saying no, I appreciate your input and agree that simply airing opinions is not offensive, we all have that right.
Post # 6
Personally, I’d tell him that I don’t want anyone standing up for us at the wedding if they aren’t 100% supporting your relationship and cheering for you to remain together forever. I think that’s what the wedding party is for: to support your relationship. Hopefully he can understand that.
That being said, he should have a similar talk with her and ask her if she is supportive and give her a chance to respond. Since she didn’t have her opportunity to “talk sh*t” to him, you don’t know what she was going to say. I think it’s good to keep such a standard for people in your weding party, but you also can’t assume her feelings until you’ve let her express them.
I personally had to make the difficult decision to not invite my close friend to be a bridesmaid. She has openly disagreed with my relationship with my fiance. We rarely had a visit or phone conversation where she wouldn’t “talk straight” to me, telling me again that we shouldn’t be together. She even wrote me a handwritten letter again asking me to reconsider and mailed it to me while I was living overseas. It was quite tiring, as you can imagine. For the record, my fiance is a great and loving guy and treats me very well. My friend disagreed with our religious differences (I’m a Christian, he isn’t).
Post # 7
I would let him know your concerns in a very level headed way. Boys especially tend to rear up when it feels that you are attacking their pals. I think you should anticipate her still being in the wedding party and if that would drive you absolutely nuts let him know. I know that when I’ve had a few days to simmer on wedding issues I’m usually over it and back to just obsessing about marrying my best friend. So take some time, and if it’s still bugging you/she’s acting like a b- bring it up. Otherwise, let go and let god.