Not sure I even want a wedding anymore

posted 3 years ago in Money
Post # 2
Hostess
9892 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2014

stbt125:  i want to laugh – your situation sounds IDENTICAL to mine.  Although, we were together 8.5 years by the time FH proposed and we both had turns being unemployed.

When we got engaged FH thought that would ‘shut me up’ for a while.  No such luck.  I was 30 when we got engaged, we both  want to be married before kids – this is happening ASAP (it will be 14 months engaged to wedding).

FH also complained A LOT about how he paid for so much stuff while I wasn’t working/underemployed.  It was our first (and only) real fight.  I had to calmly point out that it was something we’d agreed to, there is no his money/my money and while he may have been paying ‘more than his share’ for the last year, I had my turn paying more.  He also has a lot more student debt than I do. 

I think the first thing you guys need to do is talk about money – you need to decide how things are going to be paid for in the home and go from there.  Right now it seems like you have very different ideas.  If your incomes are as disporpotionate as you say (he makes 4 times what you do) a percentage amount might be the more fair way to do it – you each put 15% in a wedding account or something…just an idea.

Post # 3
Member
1566 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

stbt125:  I know that my fiance got a bit overwhelmed when we started wedding planning. He had been working up to the proposal, and wanted to be able to just enjoy a few months planning-free. I had to explain the first few things we needed to decide soon, and why, then I would lay off for a month or so. I had a big busy time in my job coming up, and knew I wouldn’t be able to plan anything during that time.

We set the date, settled on our budget, found a venue and started on the guest list. Then we let it go for a couple months.

As far as the money thing, see what you will be able to reasonably contribute, and let him know. You should be talking about how you want to handle finances in the future and going through some sort of marriage prep counseling or class to help guide you to figuring out what issues you need to deal with to help have a successful marriage.

If he’s only willing to contribute the same amount as you are able to contribute, then that’s your budget: twice what you can contribute. If he’s requiring you to come up with the same amount of money that he already has saved, then that’s really not fair. If he’s wanting even amounts from each side, then it should be dictated by the one with the least resources.

Once the budget is figured out, then you can revisit the guest list and the venue options. It will dicticate what formality and size of wedding you’ll be able to have. Make the most of it, and remember that this is a marriage you’re working towards, not just a wedding.

Post # 5
Member
42453 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

stbt125: I suggest you just let things sit on the back burner for a while. After you have a job and are able to start saving some money, then ask him to have a discussion about not only the wedding budget but maritial finances in general. All couples need to work out their budgets and how they handle expenses related to their incomes.

Post # 6
Member
453 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2014

I agree drop everything for now. It’s only been 6 weeks since he proposed. Enjoy the engagement. Enjoy your time with him. I say don’t say anything or even DO anything unless he brings it up. IF he finally does, ask him what he would like. When does he see you guys getting married? What kind of ceremony? How many guests? What does he envision? Then within your budget you set guidelines together. Budget, date and number of guests are the first 3. Then just work on the rest. Seriously just let it rest right now. Make him a priority and work on your relationship. Sounds like he is kind of upset that he’s just being pushed aside and you are making all the decisions. It’s his wedding too. Let him help make decisions when he’s ready. Let him share with you his thoughts and what parts he wants to be involved with or not. 

Post # 7
Member
593 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2015

HE clearly loves you because of the way he supported you to get your certification. Relax a little. Men don’t deal well with this. Yesterday my FH gave me an ultimatum for the night lol. He said “tell me what you were going to say and that is the last thing we discuss that is wedding related for tonight”. I almost cried but realized he wasn’t angry or anything, he just gets bored of listening to me talk about the same thing when usually we talk about so many other interesting and more deep subjects. Give him a break and enjoy this, breath and cut down that list. If possible, don’t serve alcohol, work on a budget. IT will still be beautiful, promise!

Post # 8
Member
304 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2015 - Contemporary Art Center of Peoria

stbt125:  I realize this was 5 months ago, but I felt compelled to reply. I TOTALLY get you. “its only been two weeks and we are already talking about this?” This was my FH too. He told me he wanted to be involved in the wedding planning, but whenever I would ask him he’d say we have time, we dont need to do this. Or he’ll get huffy puffy. Most guys really dont get the little details. I had to explain it like “I have literally dreamed about this day since I was 6. Now, it’s really happening and we have to make these final decisions, we get this once chance, no do overs, and I want to make sure it’s what we really want.”

As far as money, my parents are pitching in a little bit, but FH and I are paying for 75% of it ourselves, we’ve chosen a SMALL budget, that means a smaller more intimite wedding. It’s still going to be our family and friends celebrating with us. Maybe only have cake and cocktails reception? Do it on a Sunday or Friday, other “off” days instead of a typical Saturday. See what venues have “off season” discounts. I totally get the stress of it all. I still have good days and bad days where I’m totally overwhelmed. 

I hope it’s going better now, if not I hope you see the light at the end of the tunnel. 🙂 

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