Post # 1
Soooo…. This is going to be a long one bees! I went to a tech school years ago and finished but never got certified in the “real world”. While in school I was also working 50 hours a week but did like my job. After a few years in this job and dating my boyfriend I decided to move to the city he lived in and transferred within my company. I did not like this new job and came home crying or angry every day. After 6 months of this my boyfriend said that he hated seeing my upset and that maybe it was time to move on. I agreed but wasnt sure what to do next. He suggested getting certified for what I went to school for. I said okay and put in my two week notice. He then offered to help me while I studied to get my certification. I originally said that I would work part time and then study. He told me he didnt think that would work and that he wanted to give me the opportunity to just study since I had never had that before. I was floored. I am so fortunate that someone would be willing to do this for me and so grateful. Fast forward to a year later. He proposed, I passed my certification, and landed an interview all within 4 weeks. A very happy time in my life!
So its been about 6 weeks since he proposed and we have been having problems ever since. I was so excited to start looking at wedding things but didnt want to bombard him. 2 weeks after the proposal i started talking about colors and asking him what season he thought be best and he got really agitated. I asked him what was wrong and he said its only been two weeks and we are already talking about this? We went back and forth and he said he really just didnt want to talk about it when he got home from work. I said okay and that we would only talk about iton weekends. A few weeks later an open house was happening at a venue I thought looked nice online. I asked him if he would like to come and he agreed too but when my mom and his mom wanted to go with me he decided it was a girls thing. Totally understand. I really loved it but again didnt try to gush when we got back and I thought the prices were very reasonable. The only thing I have been able to get him to sit down and do is the guest list. I have a large extended family so we knew it was going to be big. We had about 240 people. Yikes! More than we were expecting.
So I dont think I am a totally unreasonable person. There has been so much tension about this planning I decided to ask him about it last night. He said he was only willing to put X amount of HIS money toward a wedding and ideally I would come up with the same amount. If I land this job I will be making 25% of what he made last year. Again I understand that he doesnt want to and shouldnt have to pay for the whole dang thing but had I known that he has this belief that I should be paying for half of it I never would have agreed to stop working. He also went into how since he supported me last year he didnt buy things he could have etc. It’s making me feel terrible! I feel like he now resents me but he says he doesnt. Mind you there is more than enough to buy whatever he wants but he just hasnt? Not sure of his logic there. I feel like we have very similar ideas on how we spend our money.
I have tried compromising by not getting married for at least two years, cutting down the guest list, asking if he just wants to get married at the courthouse and he says it isnt fair to our families to do that. We share the belief that the wedding is for our families to celebrate with us. Im all for saving money by DIY but I feel like he wouldnt want to help because i can barely speak to him about it. Again fine not even having a wedding. I worry that this is going to be a pattern in our marriage where he gets to set the standard but I will struggle to reach it every time.
I dont know what to do anymore. I want to tell him to plan it by himself. I am so sad about all of this and I just really wanted to be excited. He has made wedding planning a not fun thing. The wedding HE wants. I am no longer going to bring it up or research it. Are there any other suggestions?
Post # 2
stbt125: i want to laugh – your situation sounds IDENTICAL to mine. Although, we were together 8.5 years by the time FH proposed and we both had turns being unemployed.
When we got engaged FH thought that would ‘shut me up’ for a while. No such luck. I was 30 when we got engaged, we both want to be married before kids – this is happening ASAP (it will be 14 months engaged to wedding).
FH also complained A LOT about how he paid for so much stuff while I wasn’t working/underemployed. It was our first (and only) real fight. I had to calmly point out that it was something we’d agreed to, there is no his money/my money and while he may have been paying ‘more than his share’ for the last year, I had my turn paying more. He also has a lot more student debt than I do.
I think the first thing you guys need to do is talk about money – you need to decide how things are going to be paid for in the home and go from there. Right now it seems like you have very different ideas. If your incomes are as disporpotionate as you say (he makes 4 times what you do) a percentage amount might be the more fair way to do it – you each put 15% in a wedding account or something…just an idea.
Post # 3
stbt125: I know that my fiance got a bit overwhelmed when we started wedding planning. He had been working up to the proposal, and wanted to be able to just enjoy a few months planning-free. I had to explain the first few things we needed to decide soon, and why, then I would lay off for a month or so. I had a big busy time in my job coming up, and knew I wouldn’t be able to plan anything during that time.
We set the date, settled on our budget, found a venue and started on the guest list. Then we let it go for a couple months.
As far as the money thing, see what you will be able to reasonably contribute, and let him know. You should be talking about how you want to handle finances in the future and going through some sort of marriage prep counseling or class to help guide you to figuring out what issues you need to deal with to help have a successful marriage.
If he’s only willing to contribute the same amount as you are able to contribute, then that’s your budget: twice what you can contribute. If he’s requiring you to come up with the same amount of money that he already has saved, then that’s really not fair. If he’s wanting even amounts from each side, then it should be dictated by the one with the least resources.
Once the budget is figured out, then you can revisit the guest list and the venue options. It will dicticate what formality and size of wedding you’ll be able to have. Make the most of it, and remember that this is a marriage you’re working towards, not just a wedding.
Post # 4
MsGinkgo: omg the shut me up line! He said he thought he has bought himself some time but essentially yes he thought it wouldshut me up lol
I’m 29 now and we also want children after getting married and again I feel like I am being patient we agreed on waiting a year after marriage (which is two years from now)but I just feels like he gets to make all the rules. The only reason I am in a hurry for children is because I have endometriosis and I am worried it will get worse and also my age.
This has also been one of our first arguments ever. I do think its a good idea to sit and talk finances. I think the percentage idea is a great. I was sitting here thinking I am going to have to get a second job (after i get the first haha) to get our plans going. I will def wait awhile before we sit down and discuss this.
Post # 5
stbt125: I suggest you just let things sit on the back burner for a while. After you have a job and are able to start saving some money, then ask him to have a discussion about not only the wedding budget but maritial finances in general. All couples need to work out their budgets and how they handle expenses related to their incomes.
Post # 6
I agree drop everything for now. It’s only been 6 weeks since he proposed. Enjoy the engagement. Enjoy your time with him. I say don’t say anything or even DO anything unless he brings it up. IF he finally does, ask him what he would like. When does he see you guys getting married? What kind of ceremony? How many guests? What does he envision? Then within your budget you set guidelines together. Budget, date and number of guests are the first 3. Then just work on the rest. Seriously just let it rest right now. Make him a priority and work on your relationship. Sounds like he is kind of upset that he’s just being pushed aside and you are making all the decisions. It’s his wedding too. Let him help make decisions when he’s ready. Let him share with you his thoughts and what parts he wants to be involved with or not.
Post # 7
HE clearly loves you because of the way he supported you to get your certification. Relax a little. Men don’t deal well with this. Yesterday my FH gave me an ultimatum for the night lol. He said “tell me what you were going to say and that is the last thing we discuss that is wedding related for tonight”. I almost cried but realized he wasn’t angry or anything, he just gets bored of listening to me talk about the same thing when usually we talk about so many other interesting and more deep subjects. Give him a break and enjoy this, breath and cut down that list. If possible, don’t serve alcohol, work on a budget. IT will still be beautiful, promise!
Post # 8
- Wedding: September 2015 - Contemporary Art Center of Peoria
stbt125: I realize this was 5 months ago, but I felt compelled to reply. I TOTALLY get you. “its only been two weeks and we are already talking about this?” This was my FH too. He told me he wanted to be involved in the wedding planning, but whenever I would ask him he’d say we have time, we dont need to do this. Or he’ll get huffy puffy. Most guys really dont get the little details. I had to explain it like “I have literally dreamed about this day since I was 6. Now, it’s really happening and we have to make these final decisions, we get this once chance, no do overs, and I want to make sure it’s what we really want.”
As far as money, my parents are pitching in a little bit, but FH and I are paying for 75% of it ourselves, we’ve chosen a SMALL budget, that means a smaller more intimite wedding. It’s still going to be our family and friends celebrating with us. Maybe only have cake and cocktails reception? Do it on a Sunday or Friday, other “off” days instead of a typical Saturday. See what venues have “off season” discounts. I totally get the stress of it all. I still have good days and bad days where I’m totally overwhelmed.
I hope it’s going better now, if not I hope you see the light at the end of the tunnel. 🙂