(Closed) Not sure if I should break it off

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
1735 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

Could you try couples counselling?

Post # 4
3626 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

$2000 is much cheaper than a divorce. Be sure you want to marry him before you do, and remember you have until you send the marriage certificate back to call it off.

Post # 5
1077 posts
Bumble bee

I think that the fact that one of your big concerns is centered around logistics (moving out) is pretty telling. Don’t stay in a relationship if deep down it makes you unhappy. I think some counseling is in order at the very least before you get married, putting wedding plans on hold may also reduce the stress on your relationship considerably.

Post # 6
1471 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

Sounds like you only said Yes b/c you guys were alrady living together and its too hard to get out on your own, you typing that sounds like you already have your answer……

most people who have these thoughts before they get married end up getting a divorce not too far down the line and wish they had ended it when they had the chance (before they got married) … there are many Bees who have posted about it and how 6 months into the marriage they are looking at divorce.

Statistics say that most people who end up in divorce are those who lived together first, I think this is because they feel “traped” like maybe it will get better, we are living together and it would be harder to end it then to marry him.  This way of thinking is a mistake! it gets wose the further along you go, getting out now is better then waiting…..  

Sounds like its time to bite the bullet and put your big girl panties on and move on with your life

Good Luck 

Post # 7
3830 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

PErsonally I think you should do some premarital counselling and pick uo the book 5 Love Languages. 

You just both seem to be communicating poorly. I think this can be fixed if you make the effort .

Post # 8
3063 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

My first thought was counseling, but I agree that since money/ logistics are factoring so heavily into your decision, maybe you need to break it off. It’s really hard but divorce is harder- and much more expensive. 

You WILL meet someone else better suited- it just is hard to imagine right now. You should be excited at the thought of spending the rest of your life with him!

I called off an engagement a few years ago. It was hard to scrape together at first but I survived and am truly happy that I did it. You will be ok. 

Post # 9
583 posts
Busy bee

“Before we got engaged, I had had thoughts of breaking up, but living together makes it very difficult”

I thought this was pretty telling.  I have never seriously thought about breaking up with my Fiance.  I’ve thought “maybe we won’t last” when I was really down about things and we were in a period of arguments.  I’ve wondered what it would be like if we broke up and have decided it would be the most stupid thing I could do and my life would be super shitty afterwards.  I’ve thought “maybe I need to break up with him to save him from me” when I was *reeaally* depressed.  But I’ve never thought that we should break up.

I would seriously try some counseling if there’s time, which it seems like their is if you’re not getting married until next year.  Maybe try individual counseling first since it seems like you’re the one with the doubts.  My Fiance says he feels like he can’t do anything right either, I think that’s a common feeling with some men these days especially when women are becoming more high-powered.  I feel ok with that dynamic in our relationship (I don’t welcome it, but I’m used to it now and am working on it), but we’ve been together for 7.5 years so we’ve gone through a lot to get “ok” with it.

Post # 10
12905 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

I agree with PPs; it seems like you only said yes because you were living together and couldn’t exactly say no without raising up red flags.  If you aren’t happy in the situation, you shouldn’t be getting married.  It’s easier to split up now, then waiting to divorce later.

I also agree with the ideas of trying pre-marriage counseling if there is a chance you’re going ahead with the marriage.

Post # 11
9955 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

First off, I am sorry to hear you are going thru this… reflection like this is never easy.

Points to ponder…

1- Divorce is painful, expensive and very much demoralizing… having gone thru one, I truthfully wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy.  The older you are, the worse it is.

2- Splitting up is tough too, but not nearly as bad as Divorce… face it people who are dating break up (and get together) everyday.  The younger you are, the easier it is to bounce back from.

3- Living together is tough.  Anyone who has had a college room-mate (or shared a Bedroom with a sibling) can attest to that.  There is most certainly a HUGE transition period, if one ever gets along at all.

4- Statistically it is true, living together beforehand, is no guarantee that there will be a marriage or a divorce.  It is a time to find out if two people are compatible enough to make a go of it (live together in relative harmony).  Those that have SIGNIFICANT problems usually split up.

5- Being Married and Living Together isn’t any easier than Dating & Living Together, there just is more motivation to make a success of it … which is WHY some folks decide not to live together before being married.  And also WHY they say the first year of marriage is the toughest.  A lot stressors and changes happen in those first 12 months to a couple (not married & living together, you are getting a taste of those issues).  With married folk, those that have problems usually go to counselling (a smaller percentage actually split up)

6- Statistically when it comes to Divorce, it has been noted that a lot of marriages happen because “it was the next step”… “it was the right thing”… or “all our friends were getting married”.  These are not necessarily bad things… just not usually the best motivators to getting married, and being sucessfully married.

7- Statistically, people who get married, and later divorce say that there were usually “warning signs” while they were dating.  For some the signs are not that significant… “he always was a slob”… for others they are HUGE RED FLAGS… “he was drinking a lot”… “he called me names”… “we fought a lot”… “I wasn’t sure I could trust him” etc. 

Honestly, if you are having problems NOW, significant problems NOW, they won’t go away because you decide to marry him… more than likely the problems will get BIGGER.  They won’t necessarily go away if you get counselling… especially so if they are from the SIGNIFICANT List.

I too was drawn to your statement…

“Before we got engaged, I had had thoughts of breaking up, but living together makes it very difficult”

Being on your own sucks for many of us (I won’t deny that).  Some of us just do better in a relationship than alone.  But being in a poor relationship can be more trouble than its worth… especially if it is sucking some of the wind out of your sails and holding you back from all you can become.  Be that emotionally, spiritually, financially, physically, or as part of a LOVING HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP.  Being on your own can be difficult, but it can also be a time for self reflection, healing, enlightenment, and an opportunity… for if you weren’t alone then you might not have the “motivators” to grow emotionally.  Being in a poor relationship means you are wasting opportunities to grow and find both yourself, and someone that truly LOVES you.

PS… Lol, as for your financial issues, you could always get a “roomie” to share the costs.  It won’t be easy (see my previous notes on Living Together) but in this case you won’t be under the same “emotional” obligations and turmoils (in that it will only be temporary, and not a life-long commitment).

Hope this helps,


Post # 12
986 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

Does he have any idea you are having doubts?  

Have you discussed with him?  Maybe he is having doubts too?  Maybe you have cold feet, maybe you just need to communicate better. 



Post # 13
772 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

@whenharrymetsally:  Everyone hit the nail on the head.  Your reasoning for sticking it out versus breaking it off are shallow.   If you want to save the relationship, you need to postpone the wedding and get into pre-marital/couples counseling asap.  Keep in mind, relationships are a work in progress, none are perfect.  But you have to figure out if the relationship is worth the work.  A counselor can you help you both figure that out.  Good luck.

Post # 14
11752 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

Living together and $2000 is not a reason to stay together.  Only you know what will truly make you happy – and if that’s leaving then that is what you need to do – and sooner rater than later.  

Post # 15
157 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: December 2012

Sounds pretty similar to some of the challenges in my relationship. However, i think it sounds like you really love each other and just need some counselling. I think you shouldn’t worry about the practical reasons for staying together bc these always work themselves out. But i think that’s the reality of a lot of relationships.. fights, difficulties, problems. Relationships have ups and downs and are not always perfect. The key is to work on it as long as you love each other..

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