Post # 1
Going anonymous for this one …
My FI and I just had a huge blowout fight. He was criticizing the way I’ve been ‘agonizing’ over wedding stuff, but mostly he’s upset about the way I’m going to handle things on our wedding day – something that hasn’t even happened yet! A lot of faith he has in me apparently.
Yes, I can be a stress case, yes I can agonize over things, but I have been amazingly really really good with all of the wedding planning and don’t anticipate anything being any different down the road in 5 months when we actually get married.
Here’s the thing that I am so distraught over. It’s the fact that the last maybe 4 months things have really really not been good with us. We hardly ever have sex. Although we don’t fight a whole lot, when we do he will say things like ‘shove it up your a$$’. Tonight he said I can ‘shove my wedding planning up my a$$’ and then proceeded to justify his words by saying that he said that because I got mad over him saying he was concerned about how I would act on our wedding day. For the record, I wasn’t mad but extremely insulted because I have put so much work into everything and have done a really good job of planning and not being stressed and it’s still not good enough for him. In addtion to all this, we hardly ever have fun or laugh or really do anything like go out unless it’s with other people (and those other people always initiate the outings).
I just kind of came out of a very bad personal (medical) situation which I won’t get into here that affected our relationship badly, plus he suffers pretty badly from Seasonal Affective Disorder and it’s the dead of winter where we live so I think it’s in full swing. I am depressed, he is depressed and we are both just miserable. What I am afraid of is that nothing will ever get better … things have been going downhill for awhile and I feel like more and more resentment is building between us and I feel like we will never be happy. We are both the jaded, glass is half empty people, but now I’m starting to wonder if I should be with a glass is half full person and he should be too. Maybe all we do is bring each other down? I feel like the wedding planning was the one thing I have actually found joy in in a really long time and he completely ruined it tonight by insulting me. If I can’t even find joy in our wedding planning, are we just doomed???
Post # 3
Does he get treatment for his SAD?
If he doesn’t, he needs to. I also struggle with depression/SAD, but when I start lashing out, I know I need to talk to a therapist/get reular exercise/take whatever homeopathic supplements I need to (B6+B12/Fish oil are what I like, but men also have the option of St John’s Wort)
Post # 4
When my SO and I have fights I generally feel like calling it quits in that moment, because I HATE HATE HATE conflict. BUT as soon as I actually think of ending things I realize how much I love him and can’t live without him. So I think my point is you have to decide if you guys can work on making things better, or if it is really not worth it. Look back at why you wanted to marry him in the first place.
I know when I talk about wedding stuf,f or look at rings too much (because he told me to start finding rings) my SO gets stressed out and a little cranky. I think it’s a guy thing. Some guys just get stressed about weddings and such.
I also agree with PP that he should seek treatment for his SAD! It might help.
Post # 5
@Anonymous37456: Yeah, you should work on all this bagage before going through with the wedding. It’s not hopeless! BUt you should make it a priority to work it out.
It’s normal for couples to fight when they are planning a wedding but it’s not normal (in a lot of relationships) to use that sort of language with each other or to feel like you never have any fun together. Could totally just be a few misplaced words and a little bit of a dip, but get it worked out before proceeding.
A little couples therapy and an agreement to work on the relationship only (and not the wedding) for a period of time might make sense.
Post # 6
@Anonymous37456: It sounds like you are in a rough patch. Are you both being treated for your depression? I live in the Northern part of the country….I get seasonal affective disorder too, and it can be really crippling.
Hear is my hunble opinion:
1) First, if you aren’t getting treated for SAD, get treated. It really will make a difference.
2)Plan a date night for just the two of you at least once a week where there is no talk of the wedding or wedding planning. This could be as simple as a movie night with Pizza.
3) Really evaluate your own behavior with how you are responding to the stress of planning the wedding. Are you being really obssesive about it? Is it all you talk about? Are you nagging at him constantly about the wedding or wedding related things? I’m not saying that you are doing these things, but sometimes it is easy to get tunnel vision and not realize its happening.
4) I’m a big believer in the power of the written word. If you feel like you can’t discuss whats bothering you without it turning into an unproductive argument, write him a letter. Try to stay away from it being about what he is/isn’t doing and what he is wrong about, but more about how you are feeling, why you are feeling that way, and what you think the two of you can do to change things. Give it to him right before you have to run to the store or leave the house for a short time. Giving him a letter to read will give him a chance to process and think about what you are saying before he can have a knee jerk reaction to it. Don’t forget to tell him why you want to marry him, why you love him. I think all couples should write each other love letters from time to time, even the ones who see each other every day! Sitting down and writing out what’s in your heart can help you articulate things in a way that you wouldn’t necessarily think to say in spoken words. Don’t text it or use email. Its so much more personal written in your own hand writing, on paper he can put in a special place to keep.
It really sounds like you need to reconnect as a couple. I can’t stress enough about getting the depression treated, that will make a big difference. Good luck OP, my thoughts will be with you!
Post # 7
Can you declare a time period where wedding talk is off limits? Like even a two week period of no wedding talk – you don’t think about it, talk about it, anything?
Post # 8
- Wedding: August 2013 - Rocky Mountains USA
Sometimes people just go through periods where they’re depressed and irritable. I know my husband does (clinical depression). You need to both recognize this and commit to trying not to take out your grouchiness on each other.
Are you high-strung? He may have legitimate concerns about whether you’ll be super stressed and unpleasant to be around on your wedding day. Even very chill people can turn stressy (why else would Bridezilla be such a common term / phenomenon). Clearly he was being a dick about it, but he may have a real worry that you should figure out how to address and assuage…
I wouldn’t call the wedding off for this. Just have an honest, loving talk about how you’ve been feeling and try to both commit to being better.
@Moraz: +1 – this is good advice
Post # 9
My FI and I had a very terse conversation about this on the way home from his parents on Christmas vacation. Had he sworn at me I’d dropped him off on the side of the road and I wouldn’t of cared if it was the middle of no where and freezing cold.
That being said are you really sure you are comming off as “stress free” as you trumpet? My FI took my catostropizing over the dress as “proof” that I was going to be miserable at my wedding, which would make him miserable, which would mean that we would have our wedding be the worse day of our lives together (etc) and he didn’t want to start life off that way.
After he realized it was really about dress issues, he calmed down and was not as upset.
We are the biggest liars to ourselves and he may see and feel your stress differently than you do and may legitiatly feel as if you are going to be unhappy at your wedding.
I wouldn’t say it’s a loss but you are both sick and are taking it out on eachother. You may want to consider if you can handle that when things get hard during marriage (Which they will).
Post # 10
Thanks for your comments everyone! Although I can be a stress-case, I am pretty self-aware and insightful about my stress levels (even if I can’t always change them in the moment). I really, truly have been relaxed about the wedding thing. I have spent A LOT of time looking up wedding stuff and photoshopping things, etc to get ideas and make decisions. But I have loved every minute of it and really enjoy doing it, but from the sounds of things FI considers that to be me ‘agonizing’ and he finds it ‘concerning’ and thinks I should ‘get a hobby’. That to me is really insulting. I did explain that I really like doing all this stuff and it’s not about agonizing or obsessing or stressing or any of that and he seemed okay with that.
I guess what just bothers me the most is that he talks to me that way (the swearing I mean). I’m no angel and I have talked to him poorly in the past as well, but I felt extremely guilty about it and actually cried because I felt so bad. I have since changed my behavior and have not spoken to him that way in at least a year. He continues to speak to me like that and he doesn’t seem to feel bad about it, and, as I said in my previous post, even justifies the behavior. It’s also gotten more frequent and he seems to pick apart every little thing I do. I am pretty sure this is due to his own unhappiness/depression … a sort of ‘projection’ onto me if you will, but it is out of hand and is making me resent him. I have depression issues as well as I mentioned, but I don’t take them out on him.
Post # 11
My FI has never, ever cursed at me during a fight. If he told me to shove wedding planning up my ass, I would probably stop planning altogether!
Maybe you don’t need to break up but it sounds like the two of you need a bit of a breather. I’ll echo the PPs and say that he should be treated for his SAD. Maybe you both need relationship counseling to discuss why he “picks apart every little thing you do” and to figure out a healthier way to communicate.
Ultimately, marriage magnifies problems; it doesn’t hide them. If you’re dissatisfied with how things are now, it’ll only get worse when you add in marriage and all the other baggage that comes with building a life together (buying a house, saving money, having children, balancing schedules, etc). That’s why I think counseling would be useful to you.
Post # 12
If he isn’t being treated for SAD, he needs to be seen by a professional. Dr. Google doesn’t count.
Stop talking about wedding stuff to him. We think out loud about our research. Guys translate that to ‘obsessing’, ‘freaking out’ and ‘stressing over it’. Gush about flowers to your friends, siblings, parents. Be the woman he wants to marry. The one you were before the sparkly ring.
Address the relationship issues NOW. Absolutely nothing will change or improve because you signed a piece of paper and said nice things to each other in front of friends and family. They change because you work at them.
Have a nice date night. Tell him something to the effect of ‘screw wedding planning, it’ll all be there tomorrow. Lets grab dinner and go out’.
And finally, if you’re really concerned about the direction the relationship is heading, postpone the wedding.