Not sure if I should even go through with the wedding anymore. Long, please read

posted 3 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
11772 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2013

Does he get treatment for his SAD?

If he doesn’t, he needs to. I also struggle with depression/SAD, but when I start lashing out, I know I need to talk to a therapist/get reular exercise/take whatever homeopathic supplements I need to (B6+B12/Fish oil are what I like, but men also have the option of St John’s Wort)

Post # 4
1216 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

When my SO and I have fights I generally feel like calling it quits in that moment, because I HATE HATE HATE conflict. BUT as soon as I actually think of ending things I realize how much I love him and can’t live without him. So I think my point is you have to decide if you guys can work on making things better, or if it is really not worth it. Look back at why you wanted to marry him in the first place.

I know when I talk about wedding stuf,f or look at rings too much (because he told me to start finding rings) my SO gets stressed out and a little cranky. I think it’s a guy thing. Some guys just get stressed about weddings and such.

I also agree with PP that he should seek treatment for his SAD! It might help.

Post # 5
5160 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2013

@Anonymous37456:  Yeah, you should work on all this bagage before going through with the wedding.  It’s not hopeless!  BUt you should make it a priority to work it out.

It’s normal for couples to fight when they are planning a wedding but it’s not normal (in a lot of relationships) to use that sort of language with each other or to feel like you never have any fun together.  Could totally just be a few misplaced words and a little bit of a dip, but get it worked out before proceeding.

A little couples therapy and an agreement to work on the relationship only (and not the wedding) for a period of time might make sense.

Post # 6
5208 posts
Bee Keeper

@Anonymous37456:  It sounds like you are in a rough patch. Are you both being treated for your depression? I live in the Northern part of the country….I get seasonal affective disorder too, and it can be really crippling. 

Hear is my hunble opinion:

1) First, if you aren’t getting treated for SAD, get treated. It really will make a difference.

2)Plan a date night for just the two of you at least once a week where there is no talk of the wedding or wedding planning. This could be as simple as a movie night with Pizza. 

3) Really evaluate your own behavior with how you are responding to the stress of planning the wedding. Are you being really obssesive about it? Is it all you talk about? Are you nagging at him constantly about the wedding or wedding related things? I’m not saying that you are doing these things, but sometimes it is easy to get tunnel vision and not realize its happening.

4) I’m a big believer in the power of the written word. If you feel like you can’t discuss whats bothering you without it turning into an unproductive argument, write him a letter. Try to stay away from it being about what he is/isn’t doing and what he is wrong about, but more about how you are feeling, why you are feeling that way, and what you think the two of you can do to change things. Give it to him right before you have to run to the store or leave the house for a short time. Giving him a letter to read will give him a chance to process and think about what you are saying before he can have a knee jerk reaction to it. Don’t forget to tell him why you want to marry him, why you love him. I think all couples should write each other love letters from time to time, even the ones who see each other every day! Sitting down and writing out what’s in your heart can help you articulate things in a way that you wouldn’t necessarily think to say in spoken words. Don’t text it or use email. Its so much more personal written in your own hand writing, on paper he can put in a special place to keep.

It really sounds like you need to reconnect as a couple. I can’t stress enough about getting the depression treated, that will make a big difference. Good luck OP, my thoughts will be with you!

Post # 7
240 posts
Helper bee

Can you declare a time period where wedding talk is off limits? Like even a two week period of no wedding talk – you don’t think about it, talk about it, anything?

Post # 8
8847 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2013 - Rocky Mountains USA

Sometimes people just go through periods where they’re depressed and irritable.  I know my husband does (clinical depression).  You need to both recognize this and commit to trying not to take out your grouchiness on each other.

Are you high-strung?  He may have legitimate concerns about whether you’ll be super stressed and unpleasant to be around on your wedding day.  Even very chill people can turn stressy (why else would Bridezilla be such a common term / phenomenon).  Clearly he was being a dick about it, but he may have a real worry that you should figure out how to address and assuage…  

I wouldn’t call the wedding off for this.  Just have an honest, loving talk about how you’ve been feeling and try to both commit to being better.

@Moraz:  +1 – this is good advice

Post # 9
499 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

My FI and I had a very terse conversation about this on the way home from his parents on Christmas vacation.  Had he sworn at me I’d dropped him off on the side of the road and I wouldn’t of cared if it was the middle of no where and freezing cold.

That being said are you really sure you are comming off as “stress free” as you trumpet?  My FI took my catostropizing over the dress as “proof” that I was going to be miserable at my wedding, which would make him miserable, which would mean that we would have our wedding be the worse day of our lives together (etc) and he didn’t want to start life off that way.

After he realized it was really about dress issues, he calmed down and was not as upset.

We are the biggest liars to ourselves and he may see and feel your stress differently than you do and may legitiatly feel as if you are going to be unhappy at your wedding.

I wouldn’t say it’s a loss but you are both sick and are taking it out on eachother.  You may want to consider if you can handle that when things get hard during marriage (Which they will).

Post # 11
534 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

My FI has never, ever cursed at me during a fight.  If he told me to shove wedding planning up my ass, I would probably stop planning altogether!

Maybe you don’t need to break up but it sounds like the two of you need a bit of a breather.  I’ll echo the PPs and say that he should be treated for his SAD.  Maybe you both need relationship counseling to discuss why he “picks apart every little thing you do” and to figure out a healthier way to communicate.

Ultimately, marriage magnifies problems; it doesn’t hide them.  If you’re dissatisfied with how things are now, it’ll only get worse when you add in marriage and all the other baggage that comes with building a life together (buying a house, saving money, having children, balancing schedules, etc).  That’s why I think counseling would be useful to you.

Post # 12
2365 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

If he isn’t being treated for SAD, he needs to be seen by a professional. Dr. Google doesn’t count.

Stop talking about wedding stuff to him. We think out loud about our research. Guys translate that to ‘obsessing’, ‘freaking out’ and ‘stressing over it’. Gush about flowers to your friends, siblings, parents.  Be the woman he wants to marry. The one you were before the sparkly ring.

Address the relationship issues NOW. Absolutely nothing will change or improve because you signed a piece of paper and said nice things to each other in front of friends and family. They change because you work at them. 

Have a nice date night. Tell him something to the effect of ‘screw wedding planning, it’ll all be there tomorrow. Lets grab dinner and go out’. 

And finally, if you’re really concerned about the direction the relationship is heading, postpone the wedding. 

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