Post # 1
my SO and I have been friends for 12 yrs together for 8 on and off. One break was for a yr the other for just a couple of months. We have been through a lot together first as friends and then as partners. I got pregnant feb 2011 ( i didnt do it to trap him he knew i wasnt on birth control and i told him he was not obligated if he wasnt ready) and he moved in with me and my daughter (from a previous relationship) a month later. We had many discussions and plenty of arguments about me having another child out of wedlock and that I didn’t want to do it but I didn’t want to force him. But I did tell him that if we were not married or engaged by the time baby was born the baby would have my last name. He proposed to me on my 30th bday ( he’s 34) when i was 6 months pregnant. We discussed a long engagement bc of the baby on the way and not wanting to have to much going on at once so WE set a date for 6/29/2013. the problem is everytime I try to discuss the arrangements with him he could care less. So with only 7 months to the date no plans have been made. And when i try to talk to him about it he says there is no point discussing something we can’t afford ( I lost my job recently). I have been able to do some research and we could do the whole wedding for $1500. he says we can t afford even that but he spends $ 50+ a week on crap lottery tickets, cigarettes, video games and its pissing me off. There is always some excuse. Now he wants to get his license first and pay off some bill and these are all things he could have been taking care of since we got engaged when I was working and we had the extra money. I’m trying to figure out if I’m a fool for staying bc I’m starting to feel like the free cow. I love him and he is my best friend but I feel like we have been together long enough and if he’s not gonna do it now he’s never going to.
Post # 3
- Wedding: June 2017 - Vegas Wedings
Why not just go down to the Justice of the Peace and get married and have an intimate party after? You can afford that. And maybe bring up his spending and how you’d like to save more. Go over the past 3 months of expenses and figure out where the money went. I bet you’ll be shocked and when you show him (in a neutral, NON accusatory manner) he’ll be shocked too. Hopefully that will give him a push to hold onto his money more.
Post # 4
@Beautiful Bluegrass: he REFUSES to go to the jp he insists on having a real wedding. I have brought his spending up and even worked out a budget and he said ” yeah I know I spend a lot of money. That’s on me ” and then nothing else.
Post # 5
he doesnt sound very responsible, will this be his first child? has he been married before? if hes not even willing to go to a JOP, maybe hes not ready to take that next step. is he responsible when it comes to your child(ren)
Post # 6
Do you think he is resentful of you because you don’t have a job? It sounds like he sees the money he is making as “his” and not for the wedding and the building a life together.
You can do a wedding for really cheap if you cut corners and ignore some etiquitte guidelines. I’d ask him to give you a solid budget. “Can’t afford $1,500 and don’t want JOP, then what amount are you willing to put towards this “real” wedding” I wish there was a way you could convince him that a JOP wedding with a small celebration afterwards is as real as any other wedding though.
Post # 7
Given your update…. it doesn’t sound like he wants to be married.
So, the ball is in your court. If you don’t want to continue to give him the familial beneifts of marriage without being married (the “free cow”, as you said), then you shouldn’t continue to be in a relationship with him.
It doesn’t sound like he *wants / is ready for / is looking toward* being MARRIED because that is about thinking of your FAMILY first. Which means the money he is so freely spending on himself he would automatically begin allocating to you and the child you are having together.
Even though his WORDS are telling you he doesn’t want to get married right now….. his actions are SCREAMING that he doesn’t want to get married right now.
Post # 8
- Wedding: June 2017 - Vegas Wedings
Posts like this make me sad. OP, you know more than we do so you know if he really wants to get married to you. His actions are saying it isnt a priority to him. What do you think?
ETA: just saw what 3xaCharm: said. Great minds think alike!
Post # 9
@NickiBee: he’s very responsible. He takes good care of me and the kids. He helps around the house. He has moments of resentment that I’m not working but I’m home with the baby all day so that saves us money and I am looking for a job. Thats what makes this such a hard decisson. He is a good man but marriage is very important to me and I have never led him to believe any different. The fact that he is so unwilling to compromise on this leads me to believe he never even wanted to propose just wanted to make sure his son had his last name. his exact words were “I refuse to do this before I am ready and I will be ready after I get my license and pay off these bills. Sorry if your not willing to wait.” That pissed me off I’ve been waiting. And everytime he gets something on the “list if things that have to get done first” crossed off something else gets added to it.
Post # 10
He doesn’t sound very into the idea of marrying you. He either wants to marry you any way you can both afford at the moment, like JOP, or he doesn’t. You gave him an ultimatium (whether you realize or not), and this is the result.
I think you need to have a discussion and find out if you both want the same things, and if you do come to a compromise on the wedding, do JOP now, and then have a vow renewal when you can afford the traditional affair.
If not, then it’s time to leave.
Post # 11
If I were you, I would extend the engagement until I could find a job. If you’re both working, it will make taking care of your family and paying for your wedding much more feasible. When my boyfriend lost his job, it was really hard on both of us, and we don’t even have children. I can’t even imagine how much more difficult things could be with kids, too.