Not sure if I want him to propose anymore…

posted 7 days ago in Engagement
Post # 17
Member
30 posts
Newbee

I think it’s pretty common to feel this way when you’ve been waiting for so long, I know I was definitely in the same boat! I remember SO many moments of “I can’t spend my life with someone who won’t propose to me!,” but looking back it was just because I was working myself up and causing problems that didn’t exist. As for it being a surprise or not, I somehow just KNEW it was happening the day it did, and I was still absolutely shocked. I know it’s impossible to not work yourself up once you’re at this point, but just try to remember all of the reasons that you originally wanted him to propose 🙂

Post # 19
Member
781 posts
Busy bee

He told you about diamond broker because you were freaking out. You need to take a step back and stop sabotaging your happiness. You’re not forcing him to do anything and the proposal will still be amazing even if you know that it’s coming .

Post # 20
Member
17 posts
Newbee

bridget09 :  Personally, I wouldn’t propose at Christmas beacuse it’s quite common and not something personal for us (obviously it is to some people, just not for me). And if you haven’t said you would like a Chirstmas proposal he’s not going to know.

I really would try not to stress about it (easier said than done). He has said he is looking at diamonds and wants you to go to Dubai (which would be amazing) but unfortunately you can’t make it. Focus on what matters, which is he wants to marry you and appears to be planning a proposal.

Maybe just have a chat with him and say I really want us to be engaged by X date, and then let him decide when and where if he is happy with that too.

Post # 21
Member
62 posts
Worker bee

Your boyfriend sounds like he’s in a catch22 situation. He told you about the diamond broker because you kept raising the issue, and I’m assuming your disappointment when other friends became engaged was obvious. Now you’re upset/disappointed because he told you, when he may have meant it as reassurance.

I think the best thing you can do is let the issue cool down for a little while. Set a date in your mind (one that is reasonable) where if he hasn’t proposed in 6 months/1 year, you’ll raise the issue about where this relationship is going and discuss your visions. Then try and put the issue to bed for a while, don’t even bring it up. Otherwise, if he does propose you’ll torture yourself with “did he only do this because I made him”, or if you don’t see signs of progress you’ll keep arguing about it.

Ages with a 9 on the end can be scary, but don’t sabotage a good thing to keep up with an imaginary timeline in your head about need to be married etc by such and such an age. It’ll come 🙂

Post # 22
Member
547 posts
Busy bee

It sounds like you aren’t being honest with him, and not being honest with yourself. Also it sounds like you are in denial. Sorry Bee.

In July you “hoped” he would ask you in Maldives. Did you tell him that in advance, or did you expect him to read your mind?

After the trip, you told him you had expected a proposal, but then you pretended it was just a funny joke and that you don’t harbour any resentment (when you do). Pretending something didn’t hurt you isn’t a good way to communicate. Pretending you don’t want the things you actually want is going to lead to frustration.

In September you started “hinting”.

Did you have any actual discussions? Such as, “Jim, I love you and I want a future with you. I want to get married. I’d like us to have an engagement by X date. What do you think about marriage? Do you want this too? What do you think? Are we on the same page?”

You started having arguments and “hissy fits” in which your partner has negative reactions or REMAINS SILENT. To me that sounds like he doesn’t want to get married at all, but doesn’t want to tell you to avoid breaking up in a relationship where he’s comfortable.

You say you don’t want to be engaged because your friends are engaged, but…. I think you do. You are comparing yourself and your relationship to them. You said “clearly I am not worthy enough for a man to put a ring on my finger”.

Just because your partner isn’t ready to get married, or doesn’t want to get married, or doesn’t want to get married to you; that doesn’t mean you aren’t worth it. You just want different things! Neither is right or wrong. It doesn’t mean you are worth less than a woman who is engaged.

I think a lot of your frustration and anger could be resolved from having a clear conversation with him. He is the only person who can tell you what he is thinking.

If he doesn’t want what you want, you can choose to stay in the relationship with a man who doesn’t want to marry you, or you can choose to end the relationship and find someone who does value marriage and who wants what you want. Good luck.

Post # 24
Member
19 posts
Newbee

bridget09 :  I was with my ex for seven years before he proposed, and that was after many years of difficult conversations, arguments, and comprimses. We started dating when we were very young and getting engaged just seemed like the next step when you’re with someone for a certain amount of time, or when you reach a certain age. We live in a world where there’s a lot of people to compare ourselves to, whether we are actively comparing or not, we remain affected by what the people around us are doing.

In my case, my ex proposed on our seven year anniversary and I asked him if he was serious. I didn’t cry, like I had always thought I would. It wasn’t romantic and there wasn’t a speech or any accolades, but it was the proposal I had been pushing for, and it just didn’t feel special. I said yes because I loved him and I still wanted marriage and was happy that he seemed to be on the same page finally. But I ended the relationship a year later, because we just weren’t compatible, it didn’t feel right spending the rest of my life with someone because we had already been together for eight years (though I had taken on that identity, and I’m relieved I was able to break away from it).

Anyway, my experience is my own and yours is your own, but I do understand where you are coming from when you say you’re not as interested as you once were. This is a couple’s decision to make. In the relationship I am in now, we are actively having and back-and-forth conversation about getting married and designing a ring and planning for our future. If you hoped, wished, and dreamed for a surprise proposal, I get it. But maybe it doesn’t need to happen that way, maybe your SO wants a conversation to help him figure out what ring style and proposal you want. That can be a really great step for you both, doing this together.

I don’t think it’s such a bad thing that he told you about the diamond broker–he might have wanted to assure you that he’s got something in the works and ease your concerns. But this is all speculation, us Bees don’t know your guy. He could be feeling pressured (sorry to say), he could be feeling like he wanted to take more time and now is the right time, he could want to plan this with you. There’s a lot of thoughts and feeling going through your head and the same could be for him. If this is someone you love and want to spend your life with (because you want to, not because of your age or how long you’ve been together), then the next step for me would be to have an open conversation. No pressure, just a healthy back-and-forth. See where he’s at, let him know where you’re at, ask if he wants some help.

It does sound like he’s planning something for you, so you can wait and hope there’s a proposal instead of another disappointment, or you can open the barriers and talk to your SO. If he asks you and you’re hesitant because of your job, you can always have a longer engagement.

Post # 23
Member
31 posts
Newbee

bridget09 :  If you haven’t said months, how should he know? You would benefit a lot from working on your communication together. These are hard things to talk about when expectations differ but it would help you so much to know you can work as a team even when you want different things.

We did not get engaged after pushing for it. In fact I never pushed engagement, I just pushed talking about engagement. And his fear of planning his future was SO strong that we almost broke up, and then he finally started working on himself / addressing what the root of the problem was (his depression). Now we’re planning to get engaged soon and I know it’s because he actually wants to plan our lives together rather than because he is afraid of losing me. It feels much more solid!

So my advice: address the root of the problem, i.e., the communication issues you two have.

Post # 24
Member
1708 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

I think you sound really immature and at this point nothing is going to make you happy. I feel really bad for the guy, who obviously is going to try his very best to meet your unrealistic expectations, only to crash and burn.

Post # 25
Member
746 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2018

I gotta say, surprise proposals are overrated and I had one! I think you can turn this around to a positive experience and get a chance to be involved with the ring designing and plan a nice at home lazy weekend where he will take the hint and propose. Cook a nice dinner etc… you’ve got to get out of ruminating on resentment for him not being on the same page earlier. He’s here now and you can calmly discuss all of your expectations. That’s how I think every couple should go into it. Good luck and we’re rooting for you bee! 🙂

Post # 26
Member
385 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2016

bridget09 :  I doubt if he asked you would say no. If you’re really considering saying NO, it’s definitely not because of resentment of him not proposing sooner, but because you know deep down you don’t want to marry him (doesn’t seem to be the case). 

Post # 28
Member
1280 posts
Bumble bee

bridget09 :  Did you have resentment before the Maldives trip?

 

I was kind of in the same situation over 3 years ago. I was sooo upset when he finally proposed that it didn’t mean much anymore. We had lots of troubles prior to that though. I broke up with him a month after the engagement.

 

now I’m 40 and I’m waiting but I’m in a much happier relationship with valid financial reasons for not getting a proposal yet. However he mentioned a ring last week …eeeek!

Post # 29
Member
2736 posts
Sugar bee

If your boss told you he wanted a project done ‘soon’ how would you know when that is? Today, tomorrow, end of the week? You wouldn’t expect to be in trouble when you hand it in tmr but he was expecting it in 2 hours. If you want to get engaged ‘soon’ figure out when that is and communicate it. I’m sorry but you’re not a child, stop hinting and beating around the bush and TALK to him.

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