(Closed) Not sure if I want MOH to be my MOH anymore…

posted 6 years ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 3
Member
640 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

 I am sorry you have to go through this! It is tough when two friends grow in separate directions. It sounds like you have matured and she is still living in a high school mentality. And her living at home is an issue for your friendship because she hasn’t had to deal with the real world yet like you have and that completely changes a person’s perspective. I know what it is like to grow apart from a friend. You want to keep the friendship alive because of all you have been through, but when push comes to shove and that friend doesn’t support you and your decisions ( like having a child and therefore taking care of a child), then sometimes it is best to part ways. Maybe you can try to talk with her and tell her your concerns because completely breaking it off so at least down the road you and her will know why it ended the way it did.

Post # 4
Member
1038 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

 Not taking up for your friend, but I have to say, it would kinda annoy me as well if everytime I wanted to spend time with my friend, she brought her child along.  Also she was complaining about always having to drive so far to meet you.  Does that mean she always drives to you?  That would annoy me as well also. 

Post # 5
Member
6745 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2014

I’m in a very similar situation with a friend who is in a different place in her life.  The way I see things is that friends go through phases – times when you’re closer and times when you drift apart.  I think the solution here isn’t ending the friendship and kicking her out of the wedding, it’s talking to her about what the issues actually are.  I seems to me that chances are YOU’RE the one who has changed (matured) and she has not and she seems to be missing the person you used to be.  I don’t think she actually has an issue with your son coming along, but perhaps she misses having your undivided attention. 

I don’t think that a few harsh words and some flakiness is a reason to give up on a good friendship.  Perhaps right now, you two aren’t as close as you used to be, but one day she will mature, too (hopefully..) and then you will get closer together, again. 

I suggest you have a heart to heart with her in person.  And perhaps find a sitter for your son so that you can give her your full attention and get to the bottom of things.  I’m sure there’s a way to resolve it.

I’m sorry that she said some hurtful things, but I think it can be fixed!

Post # 6
Member
2702 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

Well, to be honest, I think your friend may have a point.  She definitely didn’t convey her feelings in the best manner but it sounds like she’s hurting because of you.  Do you ever drive all the way to see her?  Do you meet half way?  Or is she really always the one driving to hang out?

Also, I can totally understand her being frustrated with you have to work around your son’s schedule and bring him everywhere.  Do you always have to leave early because of your son?  And if you bring him every time, she’s probably annoyed that she can’t have your full attention. And who wouldn’t be annoyed?  If I want to see you and have a nice conversation and hang out and every time we get together you’re busy fussing with your baby, I’m going to be annoyed.  It’s also probably why she flakes.

Now don’t get me wrong, I know you have a kid and he’s your first priority and you will have to work around his schedule, but I would try and put yourself into her shoes before you jump to conclusions and assume she’s completely overreacting and being unfair.  Maybe plan a few lunches where you leave your son with a sitter and it’s just the two of you.  Maybe plan a nice girls’ day out.

Also, to be upset she didn’t include you (or tell you she wasn’t going to include you) in her bestfriendday instagram thing is pretty immature and I think you need to let that one go.

 

Post # 7
Member
1936 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: February 2014

@nursemel:  I have to agree with you on this one. I have friends with kids, and while I do love seeing their little ones, sometimes it’s great to have girl time – totally uninterrupted girl time. Is she always driving to see you? I would probably be a little discouraged if I was driving an hour to see my friend and have half her attention. Can your FI watch your little guy while you two hang out?

The photo thing is a little silly – it’s just a photo! Regardless of whether or not it’s true that she didn’t have a photo of you on her phone, friendships aren’t made or broken over an instagram pic and a hashtag.

If you’re upset, just talk to her! And try not to bring your kid.

 

Post # 9
Member
1038 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

@BlondeBee:  Yeah when friends get a sitter and plan time with me I always feel grateful. Let’s me know they value my time and friendship enough to make plans to give it their undivided attention for that lunch, happy hour, whatever we make plans to do.

Post # 10
Member
1359 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

I agree with @futuremrsk18: that I don’t think you should give up on your friendship over a few squabbles. It seems like you’re under stress planning the wedding and taking care of your young son, which maybe is making things seem bigger than what they really are. Frankly, you’re complaining about her being immature, but your response is immature as well. I get that you’re in different places in your lives right now, but you asked her to stand up with you, which means that she clearly holds a special place in your life even if you don’t see eye to eye right now. I don’t think you can take MOH back.

If you do decide to go forward with removing her from your wedding, I think you should consider that it will probably be the final nail in the coffin. It will be viewed as a complete betrayal (and maybe also an immature, low blow) by her, and your friendship will probably not survive it. I don’t think there’s a downgrading option to BM because it doesn’t make sense to tell her you don’t like her enough for her to be MOH and then still expect her to be a part of your wedding (MOH is really only a glorified BM anyway). Also, if she already bought the dress or anything else you required her to get, you definitely would need to pay her back.

Post # 12
Member
2781 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

I’m sorry you feel so hurt by this, but I have to wonder why you are never able to get out with your friends even just once a month without your son? I realize having kids does change things and your priorities, but it also shouldn’t completely end your social life and  your friends shouldn’t have to always only see you whilst toting a baby. Why idoesn’t your FI take your son with him and give you a free day or night every now and then. I don’t have kids yet, but many of my friends do and from experience they all make a point to get some time away with their friends without their kids. My MOH/BFF is a SAHM, whose DH tends to work out of town for weeks at a time, even she is still able to get out for an afternoon or evening without her daugther. Don’t get me wrong, I absolutely love her daugther, but I know she needs a break every now and then, and sometimes its more considerate to the friends, no one actually wants to hear your child scream and cry.

Post # 15
Member
1359 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

@ashe89:  Well…it sounds like you’ve already decided and are just seeking validation about your decision to kick her out of your wedding.

Yes, she’s a partier, but you probably knew that when you asked her to stand up with you. Because you had to change when had a baby, you expect her to change, too? And you’re not willing to ask family to watch your baby even though you could? You say “If she doesn’t want him to come along, all she has to do is let me know,” but when she did exactly that, you decided she shouldn’t be your friend anymore. She probably cancelled before because of your unwillingness to do so. It sounds like you’re the one giving up on your friendship, not her.

I do think that you’re being as inflexible and immature as your MOH, if not more so, but if you’re ready to shove off the friendship over pettiness, then good luck to you.

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