Post # 1
Hey guys…I’m a regular poster but I am kind of embarassed about this so I didn’t want to post as my “self”.
I was trying to explain to my coworkers why I didn’t go to college and we got into a dialogue about what my childhood was like…I have never really given it all that much thought but from the way they were acting, it should be in therapy dealing with issues from abuse.
Some background info:
I’m adopted and was raised by my mom and stepdad. My dad wasn’t around that much and was definitely a deadbeat. Didn’t pay child support, didn’t visit much. Anyway, I was definitely a high spirtited kid…I had tons of energy, was clever, had a touch of ADHD, and was also a pretty big smart ass (still am that last one at least lol). I don’t think my mom knew how to deal with me, but I also think we are somewhat alike so we butted heads a lot.
Some incidents my coworkers think were abuse:
- My mom would punish me for things by putting me outside for hours by myself or sticking me in a dark laundry closet or garage (depending on where we were living at the time). One time when I was six or seven I came inside to tell her the dog was throwing up out in the yard and she told me to go back outside and apologize to him because he was throwing up because my behavior made him sick. (I don’t remember what I did but it probably wasn’t that serious) Another time when she locked me in the laundry room she called me stupid and knocked the candy I was holding out of my hands.
- Once when I was 11 or 12 I called my sister a ditz. My sister was 9 or 10 at the time and told my mom I called her a dick. At the time I didn’t even understand why that was an insult and what the word meant so I kept saying I didn’t say it (because I didn’t!) my mom didn’t believe me so she slapped me and started pulling me downstairs by my hair so she could whip me with a paddle til I admitted I said it and apologized to my sister. Eventually I just gave in and said I called her that, though I know in my heart I never did.
- If I did something my mom didn’t like she would ignore me for a few days. Since I had abandonment issues this was really tough for me. I was always looking for her approval and when she ignored me it tore me apart.
- I was beaten with a belt with my pants down from age 7-12.
There are other things, including my parents with holding their financial information from my fafsa form so I couldn’t get financial aid for school that are just messed up, but not really abuse. I also know that it’s not like I was innocent because I was, like I said high spirited and could not keep my mouth shut. But at the same time the worst things I ever did were taking food from the kitchen or saying mean things to my sister or breaking things and not owning up to it. I also once stole makeup from a store, but I was a little kid at the time.
So, bees…what do you think? Should I be in therapy or should I get over myself?
Post # 3
I also remembered an incident where my mom dumped a table full of books over on me because I wouldn’t admit to something I hadn’t done. There were other times when things got thrown in the heat of the moment. Not by me, by my mom.
Post # 4
Yes- the instances you mentioned are abusive.
Post # 5
Oh yes, definitely abusive behavior by your mom. And spirited or not, no child should be treated the way you were.
Post # 6
Oh man, yeah I agree with pp.
Post # 7
I don’t really know what I should do…I can’t really confront my mom about it. Since I’ve moved out our relationship has changed and we actually get along really well now. I’m just starting to worry because we will be TTC soon and I don’t want to eventually take anything out on my kids. I feel like I have a hot temper and a tendency to be abusive…I have hit my husband before and thrown things at him in an argument.
I am also afraid to see a therapist as weird as that sounds. And not to excuse my mom but she was really abused worse than that when she was a kid including being molested.
Post # 8
Sounds abusive to me but if you’re well adjusted and it doesn’t haunt you or affect your daily life, I don’t think you need therapy. Why spend the money and bring up old painful memories because your coworkers think you should? You do what’s right for you and don’t worry about other people’s opinions.
ETA: I just saw your post saying that it is affecting your life. I think it would be a good idea to get some skills therapy for anger management, they’ll talk to you about what triggers you and what happened to you growing up that helped put that anger in you and give you ways to calm down before you blow up. They will not make you talk about what your mom’s excuses are, like her being abused herself. If you meet a therapist who wants you to talk all about why it wasn’t your mom’s fault then get a new one. Your mother is responsible for her behavior just as you are responsible for yours.
Post # 9
It sounds to me like you just did regular kid stuff. Your mom way overreacted, and was definitely abusive. You didn’t deserve any of that treatment.
Post # 10
I think you know in you heart you need to seek therapy. I think it’s a great step that you recognize you have shown signs of abuse yourself. If you are TTC and think you may follow in your mothers footsteps, unintentionally, you may want to contact someone. It doesn’t matter if your mom was abused “worse” than you, you need to do this to stop the trend. Good luck *hugs*
Post # 11
Parts of what you have described definitely sound like abuse to me. Difficult times have a way of creeping back into our lives or thoughts when we might not expect them to. If you are TTC it might be a good idea to make sure you have dealt with some of the potential undelrying feelings you are experiencing. If you have never discussed this with a therapist it could be interesting to see whether or not you feel like it helps. Seeing atherapist can be a little bit daunting the first time – just remember, it is all about fit. Once you find the right person, opening up about personal experiences will get easier! I’m so sorry to hear about your difficult childhood, no one deserves to be treated that way.
Post # 12
Thanks for not judging me about hitting my husband…I am really ashamed about that. I guess I will look into therapy but it’s just weird because I never thought I was abused. Idk..
Post # 13
Yes, I believe that this definitely counts as abuse. When your parents kept financial information from you, that is a form of abuse. My ex husband abused me and part of it was economic control. I had some friends who said it wasn’t abuse, but it is. What’s most important is not whether I think it’s abuse or anyone else, but HOW YOU FEEL. Only you know how you feel. If you feel that this is abuse, then this is what is important to focus on.
That all said, I’m sorry that you had to deal with any of that.
If you think you would benefit from therapy, then I say go for it. I’m of teh opinion that pretty much everyone can benefit in some way from therapy, even if it’s only a few visits. I am comfortable telling most people that I’ve seen a therapist. I only have check in visits (as I call them) when I feel I need one. I used to see my therapist once a week, and it has done really good things for me. I had problems finding a therapist I liked adn could trust. If you think you need therapy, you may need to talk to a few before you find someone you click with.
Post # 14
I don’t know that I would have called it abuse before, but I have always kind of known my childhood wasn’t right. And that would explain why I have so much rage. I’m not an angry person in general but I don’t think it’s normal to be so angry.
Post # 15
Yes! And I think that it is good you are able to talk about it, but I also think that you do need to see a therapist, even if it makes you nervous. Your comment suggests that you think your mom abused you because she was abused, but, not to scare you, but how do you know you won’t continue the cycle? I can guarentee you that your mom probably never expected or consciously decided to abuse you.
That being said, I think that seeing a therapist will help you come to terms with what has happened and help you to be a better person. It sounds like you have a lot of guilt around what happened and blame yourself because of your behaviour– I can tell you now, I am a Kindergarten teacher and I have seen some WILD behaviour, but no behaviour warrents hitting, slapping, locking outside, locking in a closet, etc. If I heard a parent did this I would call children’s aid immediately. You are NOT to blame. Your mother has a problem and I think you need to learn more about yourself and her.
Post # 16
If you think you might need therapy definately go. If you have moved on and have put the past behind you, I think you are in the best place you can be and would move on. Only you can know how you feel about it, but it sounds like you are handling your upbringing ok.