Not sure if my feelings are normal…

posted 3 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
484 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2015

I’m just going to start by saying that I broke up with my SO at our 4.5 year mark.
I was depressed and on meds and just couldn’t cope with uni, him, and keeping myself going.

I knew it was the right thing for me. 

We were apart over Christmas break and over that time I made new friends, eventually came off my meds and had a great time. But I never stopped loving my SO.
Once we were back at uni (we were living in the same house), I knew we had to try again.

We started “dating” again, just having fun and after about 2 months we decided that we wanted to be ‘official’ and be completely commited.

We’ve been together ever since and now own a home and a doggy.


But, I don’t regret it.

I broke his heart, but for myself I needed it.

Give yourself time.
Of course you miss him and love him, you’ve been together a long time.

You will know when you’ve found yourself, you’ll feel light and beautiful and fabulous again.
When that time comes, you’ll know if you’re ready to be with him again or whether you want to carry on as you are.
I know it’s a big fat cliché, but love does find you when you’re least expecting it.

Good luck xxx

Post # 4
444 posts
Helper bee

@rosetea:  I will try to write a longer response when I’m not about to run out the door for work, but I have something to consider:

Do you think it is HIS company you are missing, and intimacy with HIM in particular, or is it possible that you simply miss company and intimacy from someone you are close to?

Post # 5
10877 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2009

What you’re feeling is very normal. Unless the issues that caused you to initiate the break-up are no longer present and clearly have been resolved, there is no reason to think that a two-week separation will have changed anything. It makes perfect sense that you would miss the positive attributes of a person and relationship that you had in your life for such a lengthy period of time. It’s often very difficult to make positive changes in our lives when the cost of doing so means having to endure the pain and loneliness that are part of that process. That’s why there are many couples that break up and get back together and then break up and get back together, over and over again, until, finally, there is a resolution to the issues or a realization that what has been keeping them together does not outweigh the negatives that exist. I suggest you give yourself a longer period of time to make an assessment, and that you be proactive in trying to fill your life with other positive activities and interests (spending time with friends, trying a new hobby, volunteering for a cause that inspires or interests you, etc.)

Post # 6
303 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

@rosetea:  That’s a tough spot to be in…knowing you need something you don’t have in the relationship, but also afraid that by taking the time to figure it out, the relationship might not survive. Google ‘Sheryl Paul’ if you haven’t already. Her blogs and articles helped me a lot when I was experiencing uncertainly/anxiety about my relationship.

Post # 7
15 posts

This is normal, as the others have said. I like to write, make lists, journals, get it all out. You could make a list of all the good and bad. Remind yourself why it wasn’t working. Then look at the list of “good” and see how many of those things are not unique to him. As someone said, you could just miss the intimacy of someone, not necessarily him. Make a list of all the non-negotiables for your next dream guy, accounting for all the things that were missing from this relationship. Time will help the rest.

Post # 8
11772 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2013

@rosetea:  I missed my ragingly abusive ex two weeks after our break up. Not a sign that you should get back together!

I’d do one month with ABSOLUTELY no contact. Especially no “I miss you” calls! Spend time focusing on you, and fill up as much time as you can with family and friends. A lot of times the sadness isn’t missing your ex, it’s missing having someone to fill up that much time!

Post # 9
3016 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2014 - Prague

@Brielle:  +1  Good advice here. 😀

Post # 10
2104 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

@BrandNewBride:  +1


yes,mwhat you feeling is perfectky normal, no, it does not mean you should get back with your ex. It sounds like you broke up with him because you needed some time fir self discovery. 2 weeks isn’t very long. I agree with others that have said you need to have a ‘no contact’ rule for at least a month. This will allow you some time for self exploration, plus it will give the feelings of missing him a chance to fade a bit. Then you can maybe seriously reevaluate your relationship, and determine whether it is right for you or not. Just because you miss or love someone doesn’t mean that you should bew ith them. Take this time to find some new activities you enjoy doing, see a counselor if that would help, go out with friends, find yourself 🙂

Post # 11
729 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

I agree with the pp who say that you need to go at least a month (if not longer) without contacting your ex before getting enough distance from the situation to gain any perspective at all on what you really want/need. Of course you miss your ex! Your lives were intertwined together for so long, and to top that off, your reasons for leaving him feel kind of hazy right now. That’s ok. They will become clearer as you grow as a person.

Post # 12
2051 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

Why can you only “find yourself” being separated from him? Is this about dating other people, or just having new experiences and challenges? You can still travel, take up new hobbies, make new friends etc while being with him. In the kindest way possible, I think you need to make a decision about what is more important to you, him or these new experiences you’re seeking, and stick to it. If you really want time out, you need to move on from this relationship rather than stringing it out for both of you. But if he is the most important thing in your life, then in my opinion you should try to get back together with him before it’s too late.

Post # 13
138 posts
Blushing bee

@rosetea:  I broke up with my SO of nearly 7 years, and for 4 weeks I was a sobbing mess. I thought maybe I’d made a mistake. I felt lonely and scared. I worried that I’d never find someone to love me, because I certainly couldn’t understand why he ever did in the first place. The thing is, I wasn’t happy with him. I wanted to date other people because I figured that being in a relationship with someone could not possibly be this miserable. He cried and made grand gestures to try to get me back, and I wanted (or thought I did) to go back. But I realized that was his thing. He’d treat me like garbage and then when I was about to walk, manipulate me into thinking he was wonderful. I wasn’t happy being with him, but everyday I cried and wanted to go back because he represented safety. We’d been together so long that it was comfortable, versus how terrifying it was to face the world alone.

I missed having someone, but I did not miss him. Eventually I put myself back out there and tried dating again. Some of it went well, some of it did not. I had a lot of fun, and got my heartbroken. Then I found my SO, and I’ve never been happier in my life. He couldn’t be more perfect for me if I had written up a checklist myself and turned it into a person. SO I have no regrets. But let me tell you, even before I met my SO and I was going through a terrible break up with someone, I did not once even at that point regretted my decision to leave him.

Evaluate whether you’re just afraid of going it alone and finding love again, or whether you close your eyes and actually imagine him being the one there making you feel comfortable and loved. You will find your answer. Good luck.

Post # 14
534 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

@rosetea:  I just read one of your previous posts where you said you broke up with him because you wanted to explore dating other people.  So…are you dating other people?  Give yourself a break from this break-up and go on a few dates.  That’s the only way you’ll be able to start figuring out if your ex-boyfriend is really who you want.

Post # 15
3195 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

My husband and I broke up and got back together many times. It was mainly because of his commitment issues, as well as feeling as though he didn’t deserve love. 

When we got back together the last time, we decided to move in together and get married. It was a great choice, despite what others had to say. We have a very happy and solid marriage.

Sometimes being apart and losing someone can be a wake up call. 

Figure out exactly what you miss from your relationship. If you miss your ex and not the idea of having someone, ask yourself if the issue you and he have can be resolved. You are grieving a huge loss and it is normal to crave someone you loved. 

Post # 16
21 posts
  • Wedding: July 2013

@rosetea:  I was there at the 5 year mark. I’d had enough, needed to find “me,” the exact same as you. I missed him, too, but after a few months I had met some really fun, cool people. Here’s my story: after a year and a half, I’d met new people, tried new things, hadn’t really dated anyone. There was no pressure at all, just doing things I wanted to do. The last time I had heard from him was on my birthday the year before, and we hadn’t spoken/texted/messaged/seen each other since. That year, I was out celebrating my birthday, remembering that it had been a whole year since I had heard from him. I was a little drunk on tequila, and I just had this horrible, sad, fear that that would be the last time I ever heard from him. So, on my own birthday, I texted him asking if he wanted to meet up. We did, and that was it for us! It took me a year and a half and a few margaritas to realize that he was the one. We’re married now, and I’m so, so happy. Honestly, I think the time apart was what saved us. We got a chance to grow as individuals, and whether we got back together or not, the initial break up was a difficult but good decision. We just happened to also be each other’s happy ending, too Smile


Good luck with your decision- I know just how hard it is!! 

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