Post # 1
Last night over dinner J started talking about when we buy a house, etc. I’ve done so well with not bringing anything up for a long time, but he continues to do so. Anyways, he went on and on about where we could live, saving for a down payment, etc. I said to him: “I think it’s going to be another couple of years before we can afford a house. Saving for a down payment takes time.” He said: “Nah, it’s closer than you think.” At this point I wasn’t sure what to think. We’ve been living together for just over a year now (dating for 3 yrs.) and to hear that made me want to jump up and down but at the same time… GAH!
He continued to talk about our house and how our friends did it, etc. and kept saying how it’s coming sooner than I think. I finally piped up and got the guts to say to him: “Just so you know, I’m not buying a house with you until we’re married. Living in an apartment together is one thing… Buying and owning a home together is a WHOLE different ball game.” He said: “Ya I know. I kind of assumed that.” By this point I was thinking… ‘Wow, so… we could be engaged soon and possibly buying a house sometime within the next couple of years? That’s pretty sweet!’. But then he said something that kind of irked me…
He started talking about how none of his bills had come in the mail yet. I asked him how all that was going (“all that” being… his debt that he needs to pay back a bit before he buys a ring), and he said: “It’s going ok. I haven’t put away as much as I was hoping to though.”
Grrr. That really irked me because it sounded so contradictory to what he had JUST talked about (buying a house, etc). Ugh. Advice?????
Post # 3
My advice would be to trust him to do what he says he is going to do. A little story…
I am a Daddy’s girl to the fullest. The first person to hold me was my father. Anything and everything I ever wanted as a child, all I had to do was ask my father…spoiled I know. Well when SO and I started living together I would still call my dad and ask for advice; buying a home, new car whatever. My SO told me I would have a new car by the end of the year and we would have a home within the next two years. I have been stressed out thinking about how we can afford all these things and I approached my father about it. The first thing out of my dad’s mouth was “How much do you need? Cause I can give you X amount right now for your new car”. When I told my SO about it he was hurt and he said why can’t you just trust me to do what I say I am going to do. He was right, and I totally trust my SO to do what he says he is going to do.
Post # 4
Thanks for the advice. I do trust him, however I’ve been screwed over so many times in past relationships. He knows that I have a hard time believing what people tell me. Unless you have hardcore proof, then I don’t believe you completely. You have to prove it to me. I know it sounds ridiculous, but I do trust him and he’s done a very good job at being there for me. My mind is just a little screwed up from the past, that’s all. I used to be very naïve and gullable. Not anymore. I’m the complete opposite. I need to be reassured and be shown that things are in full swing. Otherwise I’ll think that I’m being stringed along (I’ve also told him that).
I forgot to add in my original post: After I told him how I felt, I also expressed to him: “Buying a house is not my number one priority right now. A house, to me, is a material possession that ya, it would be great to have, but there are more important things that I want before a house.” He knew exactly what I meant.
Post # 5
Oh hon it’s so hard waiting on something you really don’t have control over. *HUGS*
He knows how you feel now about the house, good for you. Trust him, yes, I know you’re trying. But I know in the back of your mind you’ll probably always be watching to see if he does the things he says he’s going to do. That is natural. However, it’s essential to act and feel like RIGHT NOW he’s doing everything he needs to do. If you see evidence that he’s not, just take note in your head. And then come back here for support!
Post # 6
Damn. That is confusing (and contradictory like you said). I can see why you’re frustrated! It makes me wonder if he has a trick up his sleeve…
Post # 7
I finally did it. I finally told him that I didn’t want to talk about it anymore. As we were laying in bed I said to him: “You know that website I emailed you today? Just ignore it. I’ve decided that I don’t want to talk about this stuff anymore until we’re reading to plan. I’m not just talking about buying a house, I’m also talking about when we talk about our wedding and our kids, etc. It hurts to talk about it when we’re not ACTUALLY planning anything. It makes me feel really silly. If we’re going to do anything, we should be doing things in order: Let’s concentrate on getting married, THEN we can talk about a house. Not the other way around. I still want everything that you do… The house, kids, marriage, very badly. But until the time comes, I don’t want to talk about it.”
He didn’t say much, other than “Okay. Don’t feel silly for talking about it.”