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Having a caring minister perform your wedding is essential. It's not okay that he doesn't respond to calls, it's doubly not okay that he thinks it was you fault your ex hit you and ended your marriage. Ditch this guy immediately. Find someone who wants to perform and meaningful ceremony to help you move into a loving, caring marriage.
find another one...you probably did what your parents wanted for your first marriage, this is all about you and what you want (although the first one should have been too). I think his comment alone states that he's ignorant and doesn't deserve to marry you.
Find another person. You don't deserve that, it was in no way his place to judge.
I would find someone that you and your FI and comfortable with marrying you. Your mom shouldn't decide who marries you - that is between your to-be-spouse and yourself. If he calls, I would be forthright in letting him know that you will not have him perform the ceremony.
My FI and I had to deal with a situation where the original minister wouldn't 100% agree to marry us - he was "still deciding" and would make a decision within a month of the wedding (we are living together, and he didn't like that at all). In addition, he wanted me to be fully obedient to my FI and didn't like that I am pursuing a doctorate degree because "the wife's job is to take care of her husband, home, and children." We ended up letting him know we would be using a different minister and we were forthright about why.
Oh my gosh....although your parents have every right to suggest their opinions....this one, for me, would absolutely NOT be their decision. I wouldn't care if it made my mom cry...what he said is SO NOT OKAY. You want a minister with empathy, and who is loving, and who will make this feel like your wedding truly is the best day of your life. If you go with this guy...you'll always have that "icky" feeling about him....I'd explain to your mom that you love her and respect her but that there is no way you would be comfortable with this man and get a new one...asap! Good luck! Be strong! Mom's can be good at guilting us into doing things we don't want to do but just know that this time...YOU'RE IN THE RIGHT!
One more thing I forgot to add... there should be confidentiality between your minister/ officiant and you and your FI. There is absolutely NO reason why he should talk to your mom about your past/current relationships. The minister marrying us made if very clear that whatever we discuss stays between us (he happens to be a friend of my Dad's).
My girlfriend had a similiar experience with feeling unsettled with her minister.
To make a long story short, she always has had a dysfunctional relationship with him, which was primarily his doing. When he left her mom and family, the members of his church took his side. He was a very manipulative person. Well, her mom wanted her to use this particular priest, and when she met with him, he harped on her relationship with her father. He put a lot of pressure on her to make up with him, put the past behind her, involve her in the wedding and such, or else her marriage would never work.
She disagreed with him, but sucked it up, did the few meetings with him, only concerned herself with him during the duration of the ceremony and was fine with it. And he invited her dad, he never showed up and told all of his family members that he wasn't invited, so they didn't show either.
Do what you're comfortable with. My girlfriend was comfortable using this priest because she knew it would make her mom happy and because it didn't matter to her who did her ceremony. However, if you are unhappy with him and don't agree with his stand point (which is incredibly unfair to you), then go elsewhere. You need to do what will make you happy.
Wow! I think that having a minister you feel comfortable with is KEY! Having this guy judging you about ur past relationship is always going to be in the back of your head now. Find another one...sorry mom!
I wouldn't use him after a comment like that. I wouldn't want someone with such a dysfunctional view of marriage involved in my ceremony in any way. Also, would you be able to be completely joyful and in the moment during your ceremony if this man is present- or would you be uncomfortable and hoping the whole time that he didn't say anything crazy?
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I'll give you the very short version.
The minister marrying us is someone who I initally DID NOT have good feelings about, but it was important to my Mom, so I decided to give him a second shot.
I called him Friday, he said it was not a good time for him, but he would call me back that afternoon. He didn't.
Strike two. I HATE bad communicators.
Then, when my mother saw him at church today, he asked her if I had come to terms with the fact that it was my fault my first marriage ended.
My first marriage ended because that man hit me. Several times. Enough so that the neighbors called the police.
So NOT MY FAULT.
My Mom is begging me to be calm and hear him out, but I'm not even sure I feel like answering the phone when he calls tomorrow (if he actually does) and if I do, I'm only about 50% sure I can do it calmly.
Thoughts on what I should do?