(Closed) not sure my FILs love him/me/us…

posted 5 years ago in Emotional
Post # 4
Member
6825 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

I think you just need to realize your FI family functions very differentialy than yours and you just need to let it go.  You can’t make them change and all of sudden be like your family.  Just try to adapt and go from there. 

Post # 5
Member
7175 posts
Busy Beekeeper

@ferdie224:  The best thing you can do is to love their son.  Stop seeking out their approval, and it will come in it’s own time.  They are adjusting the fact that their son is perhaps making decisions they don’t agree with (living with someone before marriage, divorce, marrying again) and they are likely wondering if you will stick around.  And, there might be some shame in divorce/remarriage to them and certainly living together before marriage.  Even if DH is not their favorite, they love him and want the best for him.  You seem to have expectations for their family to emote and they are clearly not emoters (as noted by your conversation in the car with his mom and the fact he never shared details about the divorce with them).  The sooner you can come to grips with the fact that your soon to be IL’s are not going to be emotionally supportive of your relationship (that’s not who they are), the sooner you will avoid disappointment and frustration.  I can certainly understand why it’s hurtful (and the brother’s wedding will continue to cut into those wounds as it’s normal to compare).  All I can say is focus on your FI and the life you are builidng together.  Remain open and polite to his family, but they aren’t going to be the IL’s you are dreaming of, clearly.

Post # 6
Member
2188 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: March 2024

@Sassygrn +1

OP: You can’t make his family like yours and getting mad they didn’t congratulate you isn’t going to help anything, it would only hurt things.

Post # 7
Member
3553 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

My FI is not the favorite child either, that his sister is boggles my mind (teen mom, married the father, threatens divorce every two weeks, and just had another baby with him). FI is one class away from graduating college, just got a huge promotion at work, and got team member of the month last month, but they hardly acknowledge him. His mother is actually against our entire relationship (we’ve been togehter for 6.5 years, she’s had plenty of time to get used to the idea).

We’ve decided it is what it is and we can’t change the people his family are. We’re happy and sucessful, and that is what matters. We’re just not going to worry if his mom is upset about us getting married, we know it’s the right thing to do for us. She will have to get over it.

If you have no control over something, why worry about it?

Post # 8
Member
64 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

@ferdie224:  I’m so sorry but I understand completly. My FMIL and FSIL are almost the same way. If they could have their way, my FH would be single and catering to their every whim (he didnt really know his dad and his sister is more than a decade older than him). They never congragulated us, asked to see my ring, etc. As long as you and your FH understand what is going on and that it is not YOU, it is the family, it will be fine. It sucks, I know. I live in the same city as his family and mine are in another state and I NEVER see them. His mom could care less about the wedding and as much as it hurts me, my FH is very supportive and knows that his family can be very self-centered. No worries as long as you two love eachother, thats all that matters!

Post # 9
Member
3697 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

I would also be upset if my FI’s family didn’t really acknowledge our engagement. However, in terms of telling the extended family — I don’t think you can put all that onto them. I think you should have contacted them yourself after you got engaged. And in terms of financial contribution — traditionally the groom’s family doesn’t pay for anything except the rehearsal dinner, so I wouldn’t have expected financial contribution from them (although them dictating your guest list sucks!).

Post # 10
Member
200 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

I’m sorry that you’re going through this, but you have to understand that all family’s work differently.  My parents aren’t gushers…when I told them I was engaged it was “That great, congratulations” and that was it.  When we went dress shopping all my mom said was, “that’s pretty”.  This is something I’ve know about my family for a long time and I don’t expect more from them.  I brought friends dress shopping with me so that I could get the “You look BEAUTIFUL!” from them.  Don’t wait for them to be different than they are, because you’ll probably be waiting a long time.  Also, I don’t think you should have told your FMIL about why your FH’s first marraige didn’t work because of cheating.  If he wanted them to know, he would have told them.

Post # 11
Member
1124 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

I had the same feeling about my fiances parents. Although they were excited for our marriage since it’s the first marriage of their kids (neither he nor his brother have been married before)

But my fiance got into a lot of trouble, including many over night stays in jail before he met me. He worked minimum wage jobs and drank all the time. When we got together he stopped considering I have a child and does nothing that could put him in jail and doesn’t drink any more. He’s also just finished school and starting a new great job. None of that was even considered by his family before we met. They hoped for it but didn’t see it happening.

I didn’t change him but our relationship did. He wanted to be a better person to help our relationship get better and he did just that.

His brother on the other hand has always gotten good grades, attends church EVERY Sunday and even goes on Mission trips. He does great in school and plays all kinds of sports.

My fiance thought there was favortism and at first I could see that. But after a while I saw that it was just them not sure if the change was going to stick or if he would be back to his old self again. And when we messed up and made bad financial decisions he felt like his family thought he was the same person.

But the thing is after years of knowing someone, when they change it’s hard to accept the change at first. It’s not being favored, it’s just them unsure because they spent so long thinking something else.

Perhaps his parents think he will end this marriage like he did the first. I know neither of you feel that way BUT he didn’t discuss his divorce with his parents so they probably don’t know why he really left, which leaves it to them to try to figure it out or come up with ideas on why it didn’t work. 

Likely it’s not you or him necessarily but it’s them just not being sure, them probably thinking he’s going to eventually do it again. Especially when a second marriage is MUCH more likely to end in divorce (I’m going into my second marriage though and know it wont. My first was me at 18 feeling pressure to because of the military recruiter)

It takes time for people to adjust to change and believe it will stick. They probably are just a little reserved because they are concerned about getting close to you and your fiance eventually divorcing you.

I’d say to try and go over there more often. Don’t show PDA but talk about him and let them see your love. They will warm up to it and realize it’s not going to be like his first marriage. Maybe talk to his mom and set up a Saturday lunch or something once a week for all of you to get together so she can see you’re making a real effort to join the family and when you’re with them more they see more and will understand more

Post # 12
Member
1124 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

Another thing I noticed in laws love is to compliment him. Not necessarily saying “Thank you for raising the love of my life” which is great but just saying how happy he makes you and how good he is to you. Like “Awe FI cooked me breakfast in bed this morning, he’s such a wonderful man!” so it doesn’t seem like you’re trying to get on their good side by complimenting them but you’re complimenting their son, and all parents like to hear compliments about their children and it shows that you really appreciate him

Post # 13
Member
2539 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 2012

You can’t MAKE his famil y be excited for you. Also, it was VERY uncalled for you to tell your FMIL that your FI’s ex wife cheated on him. They are prob very private people and your expecting them to be people that they arent. 

I think you need to relax and enjoy your wedding planning and your FI.

Post # 14
Member
396 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

You are expecting them to be people they are not. I cannot believe you told your FMIL about your FIs first wife cheating on him. Some people are just private and it sounds like both your FI and his family are not as expressive as you. I would feel so awkward expressing to my FMIL how much I love him. You also put her in a really weird spot asking if he loved you more than his ex- that’s a conversation to have with your FI not his mother. I think you really need to reevaluate your expectations and some of your own boundaries. 

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