(Closed) Not sure what to do.

posted 5 years ago in Catholic
  • poll: What would you guys do in this situation...?
    Just do it like they want : (5 votes)
    13 %
    Do it my way...later on down the road in The church we got married or a special location. : (31 votes)
    82 %
    Other ( explain below) : (2 votes)
    5 %
  • Post # 3
    Member
    1483 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: November 2015

    Does your husband agree with you? If so, he needs to stand up to them seeing as it’s his family that’s insisting.

    Also, wouldn’t you still have to jump through those same hoops to renew your vows? Or are renewing your vows and actually getting married in the church different? Sorry, I don’t know much (read: anything) about the Catholic church and their rules.

    Post # 5
    Member
    3220 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: February 2012

    In terms of Catholicism, your marriage isn’t real.  I don’t mean this in an offensive way, but for Catholics to recognize a marriage, it has to take place in a Catholic church.  If you and your husband are not Catholic anymore, then he’ll have to bite the bullet and tell his parents he is no longer practicing that religion and his marriage is valid enough for him.  (If he’s living with you and you’re acting married, he shouldn’t be taking communion until his previous marriage is annulled and your marriage has been convalidated by the church.  Again, if he’s not Catholic, none of this would matter to him.)

    I would not go through with the annullment and Catholic ceremony if at least one of you doesn’t plan on practicing Catholicism. You don’t participate in a sacrament to please someone else– marriage is a huge deal in the Catholic church and it shouldn’t be done just to make other people happy.  

    Post # 6
    Member
    485 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: December 2012

    Are they talking about a convalidation?  that’s different than a vow renewal.  it’s basically that you are taking the sacrament of marriage in the Catholic Church…. and yes, it’s the way the Catholic church *recognizes* the marriage.

     

    This really should be up to your husband to deal with.  Not that you shouldn’t have a voice…. you should.  But these are his family’s wishes and his religious background.  HE will have to continue to jump through the hoops to have his first marriage annuled by the Bishop and then get permission to have the marriage convalidated.

    If you husband is *no longer Catholic* (which is different than just no longer attending the Catholic church) then HE should be the one to tell his family “thanks but no thanks”.

    Catholics tend to get a bit, ahem, *passionate* about the marriages and baptisms of family members.  So, I would sit this one out, if I were you…. and let hubs deal with his family.

    Post # 7
    Member
    3220 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: February 2012

    @adillon1:  You say he’s in the process of annullment– why is he annulling if he’s not a practicing Catholic?  He doesn’t need to do that if he’s not planning on getting married in the church. 

    If he does want to practice, he should have gotten the annulment and you both should have waited until it was complete before getting married. 

    For other bees reading, here’s short version– Catholics cannot get divorced.  When two Catholic people enter into a marriage, they (generally) go through a ton of preparation and vetting to ensure that they both intend to be married for the rest of their lives.  An annulment can be approved for certain things, but not for something like “we didn’t like each other anymore.”  It’s basically saying the marriage never happened because one (or both) parties entered into it without knowing what they were doing.   It’s hard (and expensive) to do.  In the eyes of the church, the OP’s fiancé is still married to his previous wife and will continue to be her spouse until it can be proven that one of them entered into the marriage without intending to be together forever. 

    (Any other Catholic bees, please correct me if I got anything wrong!)

    Post # 9
    Member
    1483 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: November 2015

    @adillon1:  It doesn’t sound like his parents forget about anything lol. If this is what your husband wants to do, then maybe schedule it for a later date? One of your choosing…

    Post # 10
    Member
    3220 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: February 2012

    @adillon1:  If he wants to go to the Catholic Church and take communion, the marriage will have to be convalidated– some people wait and do this years later, a lot of times when they start having kids and realize they want their kids to be involved in the church. In that case, I would go through with the annulment now, because technically right now the church sees him as someone cheating on his real wife.  

    If/when you do a convalidation, it does not have to be a total vow renewal.  It can be something small and simple that only takes 15 minutes for the “ceremony.”  You have to do a little paperwork for it, but if he wants to be Catholic, I think it’d be worth it.

    You could do an actual vow renewal later at the time of your choosing.  I’m sure his parents will be happy the marriage was just legitimate at all, so I wouldn’t worry about them dictating how you have a renewal. 

    Post # 11
    Member
    1832 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: January 2013

    Your married, that’s whats important. If a vow renewal happens, why would it be a year later, you guys had a lovely wedding. Just enjoy being married, the family will get over it. I say do th renewal at your 10 year mark, make it a big deal, and do want the in-laws wanted. This is just my humble opinion. After all, the end result is husband and wife by god and your witnesses, isn’t that whats really important here? You guys are joined by god already. 🙂

    Post # 12
    Member
    3220 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: February 2012

    @mishagirls79:  Generally, I agree with you, but not when it comes to the Catholic Church.  There are big rules around the sacraments and it’s just not that simple?  If the OP and her partner want to break out of the Catholic church and do their own thing, then you’re absolutely right.  They don’t need more pieces of paper to tell them that they’re married. 

    But if the OP’s partner wants to participate in communion and raise his children Catholic and interact with the Catholic Church?  Then he’s going to need to follow their rules.

    Post # 13
    Member
    1483 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: November 2015

    @mishagirls79:  I guess, according to the Catholic church, they aren’t joined by God since the marriage wasn’t performed in the church and her husband was previously married (correct me if I’m wrong). And that’s the issue with her in-laws.

    Post # 14
    Member
    3220 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: February 2012

    @FutureMrsJohnson_:  Right-o.  And that technically her husband is still someone else’s husband in their church. 

    If it were me and my husband wanted to be Catholic, I’d just go get the convalidation done real quick with a priest next year, wouldn’t even tell the in-laws about it except as a “surprise!” phone call to let them know.  Then, if I wanted a vow renewal, I’d go to some gorgeous beach or something a few years down the road. 

    If my husband didn’t want to be Catholic, I’d let him tell the in-laws that we didn’t care about their church’s rules and we were happy being married to one another as we were. 

    Post # 15
    Member
    3697 posts
    Sugar bee

    OP, maybe it would help to look at this as “something that matters to my husband, and so even though it doesn’t mean the same thing to me, it’s something important that I can do for him,” rather than “something my in-laws are forcing us to do.” Since you’re not Catholic, as far as you’re concerne it’s basically irrelevant whether or not the Catholic church considers your marriage valid. But since your husband identifies as Catholic (from what it sounds like), you would be doing this for him, because it matters to him.

    Post # 16
    Member
    426 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: June 2013

    @adillon1:  Sorry, but the truth is that your marriage is NOT recognized as real by the Church because you didn’t get married in the Church or with a dispensation.  As others have said, your husband cannot even receive eucharist right now because his marriage is not seen as valid.  If he wants to raise your kids Catholic and be a practicing Catholic, you will have to get the marriage convalidated.  

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