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I'd be straight up and say to her "I'm sorry but when you asked we had already chosen our bridal party and we really don't want to have more people up there with us but we'd love to have you as a guest" and leave it at that. If you really don't want to speak to her about it you can always get your FH to speak to her or ask your FMIL to speak to her. You're not retracting her as a bridesmaid unless you've already told her that she will be in your wedding party - which it doesn't sound like you did. It's pretty presumptuous of her to think she'll automatically be in your wedding party anyways!
I think that it would be alot easier if your FI talked to her.
Edit: He is the one that suggested that she be out. I think that it would save alot of headache and future problems if he has this talk with her and not you.
Did you every talk to her spefically about being a bridesmaid. If not maybe you could explain that you only want a few people up there with and maybe should could do a reading or have some other role in the wedding.
Mmm. Is your FI close to his sister? I just don't think this is a good way to handle a family situation. Is she giving you problems otherwise? Sure she asked to be in the wedding. But this has happened to a lot of bees. And I think that since this started way back in May, this could have been broken to her earlier.
But I think the good news is that since you have doubts that she'll be able to pay for the dres, that can be the real litmus test. Tell her how much the dress is, when it needs to be ordered, etc. If she fails to do this, or tries to persuade you to pay for the dress, be firm. Let her know if she can't swing it you feel bad, but hopefully she can still attend as a guest.
I think he needs to do it.
EDIT: My reason for saying that is this: she's gonna be pissed and he's the one who said she's out. I see this having the potential to blow up into a huge deal between you and his family. If I were you, I would have him tell her.
I agree that he should be the one to tell her since essentially he is the one giving her the boot. Did she ask if she could be a bm or did she just ask if she could be IN the wedding? You could give her some other role like guest book attendant or reader or something..
ahhh this is a crazy situation!!!
my fsil straight up planned her wedding on the same day as i was trying to plan mine, so at least you don't have THAT to deal with. yeah and she's also a bridesmaid because that was my attempt to force myself to get over it... it has not worked.
definitely have your fiance talk to her... keep it in the fam, you don't need that kind of drama.
good luck!
Ya I agree with msmonicka. thats his sister and it would be less of a situation if he was the one to tell her. the good thing is you both agree : )
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ok gang, I got engaged in May 2009..That summer she came up to me and was like "am I in your wedding or what" which caught me off guard. I didnt know what to do so I said sure. Well, this is both our 2nd marriage. Its an intimate wedding in Mexico on the beach. We are paying for everything and I have 1 maid of honor and 1 bridesmaid. She would make 2....We also have 5 kids who are going to stand with us. Its a small wedding and my fiance does not want a bunch of people standing up there. He says she is out of the wedding because its too much and she shoe horned her way in. PLus he doesnt want his BIL in the wedding...Anyhow, what do I tell her now? The wedding is in June and I feel bad because i dont think its polite to retract someone being a bridesmaid..What is proper etiquette?? Plus I know she probably cannot afford the bridesmaid dress... HELP!