(Closed) Not sure what to do about my relationship…

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
2282 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

First, lonelybride, let me say that I’m so sorry you had this happen to you. You must be very scared and confused right now. This is one of those times when the Bee can be a strange thing: we don’t know each other, but I want to tell you I’m here and I’m listening. 

There is nothing you could ever, ever do that would justify being pushed into a corner and your arms being even held, much less squeezed. I know you don’t want it to be true and some part of your mind is already trying to minimize it and make it not so bad, but the thing is: there is no degree of that behavior that’s acceptable. There is no mild version of it that is alright. Even standing over you and yelling – intimidating you in any way – is never okay. You did not provoke that. It’s just what he did. It was the reaction that felt appropriate to him. That is not alright.

I’m not going to just say “walk out of there” and leave it at that because I know, from my own agonizing experience, that it’s not that easy. But please consider that this only escalates. That behavior is what you are going to have an entire life of. And you deserve happiness and respect and joy and gentleness. Please remember that, as you make your next choices.

Hugs to you. 

Post # 4
Member
4327 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: January 1992

I hate to break this to you, but this is abuse. Your instinct was right to be scared. No one who loves and respects you would disregard your right to personal space, and illicit fear in you at his hands. 

This is an issue. He DOES need to apologize, and what’s more, you cannot tolerate this. You teach people how to treat you, and if you teach him this is ok, it will perpetuate itself, but bigger and worse with each occasion.

Post # 5
Member
72 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

You said that our of love and respect for him you should have been quiet, but out of love and respect for you he should not have yelled at you and pushed you against a wall. 

If you’re too afraid to talk to your friends and family about this because it will reflect badly on him, you’re right. It will reflect badly on him because he behaved badly.  

Take some time and think about this.  Professorgirl is right. You deserve joy and gentleness.  If he’s not giving you that then you know what to do. 

Post # 6
Member
1026 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

This is not okay. Has this sort of thing happened before?

I would be worried that it will escalate…. I kow I am not in your possition, but is it possible to leave until he goes into  either anger management classes or couples therapy? 

You did nothing wrong. He had absolutely no right to do what he did. You have every right to leave him for this IMO, if that is what you want to do. If you do think this is something that can be worked on, just make sure you are staying safe… tell somebody you trust like friends and family abot what is going on. 

Post # 7
Member
4327 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: January 1992

The worst part I feel, and the part that would scare me most is his lack of remorse. 

Post # 8
Member
14317 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

@lonelybride:  Now, I acknowledge that out of love and respect I should have been quiet the first time he asked me

I disagree.   True, you could have left it alone as well, but usually when someone shoo’s me away when they’re not doing somethign that looks incredibly urget, I will persist as well.   You asked him something, he could have just as easily just answered you and then KINDLY asked you to let him finish whatever he was doing.  You’re not a servant or child, nor should just be commanded to “be quiet”.   I wouldnt take well to that at all.  But yes, his reaction was completely uncalled for.  He can say he’d never hurt you, he pinned YOU down out of anger.  He needs to realize that he crossed the line.

Post # 9
Member
2494 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

You sound like me in a relationship I was in several years ago. He is making the same excuses my bf made. Be careful. From experience I can say it might happen againand it will only get scarier and more violent.

Post # 10
Member
11234 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2013

Oh, honey. Leave. He is abusing you, obviously physically if not (probably) emotionally.

So, today, he was on his computer looking at something and I asked him to open the window.  He said no, and went back to reading.
 Why wouldn’t he open the window? This would have pissed me off.

I persisted and asked him again.  He told me to be quiet.  I spoke again, he told me to be quiet again. 
Oh HELL no. 

I said something under my breath as he was telling me to be quiet that time.  It blew up.  He straight up yelled at me, at one point he held me against the wall, sqeezing my arms so hard it hurt.  I was scared. 
This is straight up assault and battery.

He insists that I shouldn’t have been scared; and he refuses to say he did anything wrong or apologize.  He insists that the whole thing was my fault because I wasn’t quiet when he told me to be quiet.
THIS IS ABUSE. He is invalidating your feelings and making you feel like YOU are the one who is wrong. He physically harmed you and made you afraid that he was going to do worse. You did NOTHING wrong. 

Now, I acknowledge that out of love and respect I should have been quiet the first time he asked me, and let him finish what he was doing.  But I still think his reaction was completely out of proportion with the situation, and completely ridiculous.  He insists that I should not have been scared because I know him and I know he would never hurt/hit me (which is admittedly what I was scared of).
No, you didn’t have to be quiet. This is a victim mentality. “Oh, if only I’d done [x], he wouldn’t have hit me.” You are correct; his reaction was completely ridiculous and out of proportion, and you have every right to not be in a situation where you are afraid of being hurt–if you KNOW that he is not going to hurt you, he never should have put his hands on you.

He needs help, plain and simple. I’d pack my shit and walk out the door–my ex was just like this, except that he never hurt me; he just threatened to shoot me.

Post # 13
Member
3969 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

@lonelybride:  Do you have a safe place to go? I would honestly go live with a friend or family member for the next week. For your safety, but also so you have a safe place to really think about what’s going on here. Plus, he should get the message (especially if you’re currently living together). I understand what you mean, if you leave you want to leave for good. Personally, in this situation, I WOULD live for good. BUT if you are wanting to give this relationship a chance, you still need to separate yourself from the situation and deal with it from a safe environment.

eta: divorces are more expensive than weddings sometimes 🙂

Post # 14
Member
5096 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

I’m so sorry that you’re going through this. I know this is not the answer you’re looking for, but I very much hope you will talk to a therapist who specializes in abusive relationship. Here’s a possible good place to start: 1−800−799−SAFE(7233)

You might be thinking, “Well, but he only did that because I was being so annoying.” (You might NOT be thinking that too, which would be great!) But NOTHING you could say would ever justify his use of force. And certainly not just asking him to open the window while he was reading something!!!  That’s not a “normal” reaction. It’s a dangerous one. I hope you will listen to your gut, which told you to be scared when he was hurting you.

Post # 15
Member
5096 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

@lonelybride:  I know, it feels so different when you’re inside the relationship. But this is one of those times when you need to follow your head. Do what you would want your sister or your best friend to do if she were in your situation. You deserve to be with someone who loves you with all his heart, and would rather cut off his own hand than hurt you intentionally.

Post # 16
Member
14317 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

@lonelybride:  He keeps telling me he doesn’t love me “right now.”

WHAT?!? And you are planning on getting married in a few months??  Why would marry someone who says they dont love you!

but he says he still plans to marry me – on the condition that I start seeing a therapist before our wedding. 

And is HE planning to see someone to discuss his physically lashing out at you?

ETA:  Screw the money… money can always be made back.  It’ll be a hell of  a lot harder to get divorced and get away from him if this becomes and all out abusive relationship.  You know him best, you were scared…. do you think this is it and it wont let worse?  If yes, go ahead (though the comment that he doesnt love me would have me pulling the brakes real fast)… if feel that it could escalate, you dont want to live in fear, steping on egg shells to keep him happy so he doesnt shove you against a wall or worse…. call it off.. postpone it…. forget the money. 

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