Post # 1
I’m very curious as to your opinion about my situation.
I’m 25 and my bf is 32. We’ve been together for 2 years now. At the beginning of this year we started talking about marriage (most of the time I bring it up). One of the problems is I’m impatient. I feel like I’m at that point in my live where I’m ready to move on to something more and its hard because so much is dependent of his move. Another problem is sometimes I feel like he’s immature esp for his age.
I’ve thought about talking to him about all of this. I’m not 100% sure how to go about it but I don’t want to continue to nag him about moving forward with our lives. I guess I just want to know that he wants to do this versus him eventually proposing because of me.
Basically I feel trapped. For awhile now I have been making decision thinking in terms of “we” or “us” but I don’t think he always does. He has a lot of debt and I have a lot of savings. I’m saving for a house one day yet I don’t feel like he’s trying to pay off some of that debt. He lives with 3 other guys in a “frat house.” I’m going to need a new place to live in August. He has calmed down on the partying but now I wonder if its because he wanted to or because I wanted him to.
I know some of you will say 2 years isn’t that long but I am just not one of those girls that will/can wait 5+ years. I want to move forward with our lives together but I also want it to be because he wants to. Any thought or suggestions? Should I just lay it all the table saying the things I said above? I feel so confused and stuck!
Post # 3
well first of all you’re not going to get anywhere without talking to him. Explain your thoughts and feelings and let him know of your goals and dreams for your life. There is nothing wrong with having goals and dreams! Hope his goals/ideals match up with yours!
Post # 4
I want to move forward with our lives together but I also want it to be because he wants to.
ETA: Ugh for some reason WB is deleting second halves of my posts. Paragraph coming shortly it deleted…
Understand that you may not be able to have both. It doesn’t sound like he’s ready to move forward now. You might have to decide if you prefer to move forward now at your instigation, or wait until he’s ready to move forward, which is unlikely to be on your timeline. You are chronologically older but sound far more mature – are you willing to wait for him to grow up?
I also wonder whether his friends are his or younger? Settled or still out playing? (e.g. house/wife/kids/apartment on own, or does he entirely hang in the frat atmosphere?) Until his friends show signs of growing up, he may be reluctant to do so as well.
Post # 5
Definitely broach the subject with him eg” “where do you see us going?” You’re already light years ahead of him in maturity (he’s 32, living in a frat house with no savings, you’re only 25, but have amassed savings for a home and have a desire to move on with your life), so don’t be surprised if he lags behind you in wanting to advance the relationship either. It doesn’t sound like he’s preparing for a life with someone at this point.
Post # 6
I have to agree with the other ladies here. In my opinion, I feel like by the 2 year mark in a relationship, any topic should be fair game for a discussion especially if you are considering spending the rest of your life with this person. I say have a heart to heart discussion and try to find out what is going on in his mind. Ask him what is holding up progress on things such as paying off his debt and finding a better living situation because in the end these are things that will effect where your relationship with him is going. Also keep in mind that you could have the discussion and receive all the answers you were hoping for, but actions speak louder than words. In the end, you have to really evaluate if he’s actually working toward making changes in his life that will benefit you both in the end. Good luck!
Post # 7
@Hope2BeeMrsC: I totally agree here. You need to sit down with him and explain to him how you feel and where you stand. Two years is not two weeks, it is a while and you should feel comfortable to discuss this with him, especially such a big deal. The way you feel is important too and he needs to listen to how you feel and let you know where he stands. You can do it and good luck!
Post # 8
Yikes- 32 and no savings- living with other men? Marriage should not be the topic right now- how about personal stability and independence?
Post # 9
He doesn’t sound ready to be a big boy, while you sound ready to go.
Basically, I would use your savings to buy that house you want, begin your life and invest in your own future. I would back off of him and assert your own independence. Not only is that good for you, but it’s sexy, and it forces his move. If he doesn’t want to take things to the next level, you are still in a better place, with assets and freedom. It’s a win-win.
Whatever you do after you have your new place, do not let him move in with you until you have the discussion of where this is all going. The last thing you need is a mooch or someone not as fully committed as you are to your relationship. So if you do want him to move in and live together, please have that discussion first. It will save you so much time and grief. This is the kind of event where you can set a timeline or announce your ground rules.
Don’t be a doormat and you’ll be ok.
If he’s still acting like a child, you frankly deserve better and although it will be hard, it will prove that you should move on to someone more ready to be on your level.
Post # 10
Thanks for the reponses. I agree with what most of you sad. Most of his friends are in the 27-33 age range. They are all either single or a few just started relationships. Now I think about it its weird that such a big group of guys that age are not very far in thier lifes. I;m not sure exactly how to bring this up…I guess just stick with saying the things I want and then ask if he does to? If he does, he needs to begin showing it I guess. I dont want to make it choose but it’s kinda like grow up or im moving on to find someone who is.
Post # 11
Don’t worry about sugarcoating it, just jump right into the conversation. Tell him what you want and how what he’s doing in his life right now isn’t indicative that he wants the same things.
Post # 12
He has some serious growing up to do.
Frat houses at 32? EEK!
Post # 13
@Hope2BeeMrsC: Please turn off the bold! It makes me feel like you are shouting when you have it bolded. 🙁
Post # 14
I am not trying to be mean but it sounds like he just isnt ready just because he is 32 doesnt not mean he has to be ready to settle down, aqge does not mean anything everyone one gets to that point in their own time that being said you need to talk to him and find out where stands then go from there just dont try to force him into anything