- bee in hiding
- 6 years ago
I need some advice from the bees who’ve been in relationships for a while… I honestly don’t know what to do here. I’m so sorry this is so long!
My boyfriend and I started seeing each other just after New Years and have been exclusive since about the end of Jan. So, it hasn’t been that long, but it’s actually the longest relationship I’ve had in 9 years, all the others were only 1-2 months in the bf/gf stage, with them breaking up with me. I’m in my 30’s and very ready to settle down with someone at this point. For that first month of dating and the first month of being exclusive, he was a prince to me. Of course, he was also not working, so he had a lot of time and energy on his hands (he just moved here from another state last year to be closer to his kids and has been living with a family member about 40 minutes from me while he looked for a job). I was the one who was holding him back, telling him I needed a few days home alone to chill or do laundry or whatever, but once we made it official I was all in (emotionally) and it was really great. He led me to believe that he was ready for a relationship, he wanted what I wanted, which was something that would build and be going toward living together or marriage within a couple of years at least. He texted me multiple times a day, called me at least once a day, was at my place 4-5 nights a week, told me repeatedly how beautiful I was, was physically attentive, on and on. Took my garbage out for me, took my dog out for me, etc. All the nice, sweet things I’ve always thought a great boyfriend would do.
Fast forward to about two weeks after he started his job. He wasn’t coming over to my place as much- he said it was mostly because the commute was inconvient (which I agree, it is, but it’s definitely doable). He stopped texting me as much, and his texts became very simple and straight forward. I knew these things would likely happen because he was starting a new job- I respect that he is now getting up early and is tired and stressed. I just didn’t think things would change THIS MUCH.
So now we’ve been spending about two nights a week together, with usually about a week in between, so really it averages out to less. We might spend a little more time together once he’s got his own place (which he is looking for right now, but it’s going to be in the city he’s currently in- which is another issue, I was led to believe that when he was ready to get into his own place We had a hard conversation today on the phone- he told me that he knows I have what he calls a deadline, that I definitely want to be married in at least two years. While that is true, I’m open to discussing other options- living together for sure by that point, but also probably having a ring on my finger by that point and waiting for the actual wedding until other things in life have taken their turn (he has two teenage kids), etc. But I told him that all that would be fine, if he were at least acting like he actually wanted to be with me, but since all the loving texts and words and actions have pretty much completely stopped, yes, I have an issue with that. I don’t think I can go on for months the way it’s been. He said that he’s been deliberately pushing me away somewhat because he knew I wanted more than he does right now. Which in and of itself is like cold water in my face- until now he had led me to believe that he was thinking the same as me- probably getting a place together within a year, and then logically moving on to a ring and wedding after that. I’m in my 30’s, never married, no kids (and I don’t think I want kids of my own so at least that’s not an issue). He’s been married twice, jumped in way too soon both times, and is now saying that he’s no longer going to do anything that he doesn’t want to do, and he’s sorry, but unfortunately I am going to have to pay for his ex’s mistakes. He admits that makes him an ass but he’s just not willing to change anything at this point, he’s totally happy with exactly what things are right now- two days a week together and a week off. He says he’s happy and doesn’t want to NOT be with me, but if I’m unhappy I have to think about that because he’s not going to change anything.
We are supposed to get together face to face and talk more in a couple of days, but my question is this: should I just wait this out a little longer (I’m talking like 6-9 months to see how things go) and just immerse myself in other things, which is what I’m planning to do anyway, and just see him a couple times a week, maybe more once he’s moved into his place and I can go over there 1 or 2nights a week? Or, should I cut him loose now and just live my single life again? Have any of you bees been in this kind of weirdly stale situation and what happened? Did he come around, were you able to re-wrap your mind around a new idea of what you want or were happy with in a relationship? Do I just need to reevaulate my own needs and desires and see if I am okay with what he’s willing to give right now? 😕