not sure what to do. (very long)

posted 3 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
1137 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

I am so sorry for what you are going through, I can’t even imagine.

 

From what I read, he is just trying to pass the blame on you. And that’s a HUGE red flag. 

 

You can work this out, you BOTH can. But if he is not willing to talk about how he feels, and he’ll only tell you that you need to clean and go to the gym (what the hell!??! btw) it can be exhausting.

 

When you love someone, his/her happiness is a priority for you. You need to sit down with him and have a clear discussion of what he feels and wants, and build up from there.

 

You can’t fight this battle alone.

 

Post # 4
Member
83 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: November 2014

@hiddenbee92:  If you want your relationship to work, you and your fiance need to discuss your intimacy issues. My fiance and I had huge intimacy issues which he stood by me during and we are still working through. We ended up using some counselling which gave us an environment where we were forced to confront those issues and work on them regularly. (It was also affordable because they had a sliding scale.)

Since you said counselling was not an option, I would like to outline the main benefits of the counselling and what you can maybe do without going to it to work on this.

1. A weekly counselling appointment required dedication – Instead, set a time to work through these issues and discuss them at bare minimum weekly. Since we had to both go to the appointment, we both needed to buy into what we were doing and be willing. If he is not willing to work on it, you won’t get anywhere.

2. Evaluate the relationship because if you are already having these problems, it might never change 100%. – Is it worth working on together?

3. The counsellor asked uncomfortable questions we couldn’t escape. – Maybe both write down questions or issues you need to resolve?

If you guys can’t use counselling, I strongly recommend you set a safe zone to discuss all this without being accusatory. Don’t treat it as one person’s fault.

But he needs to be willing to work on this. Going on flirt and porn sites and then having no libido for his real partner is a HUGE red flag. If he isn’t willing to work on this and make an effort, you should be willing to look at walking away even though it is difficult.

Good luck and feel free to PM me. Really sorry you’re going through this.

Post # 5
Member
3410 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

@AnaA:  Perfectly said.

OP, I am so sorry you are dealing with this..

Post # 6
Member
643 posts
Busy bee

@hiddenbee92:  I’m so sorry. I think all relationships have natural ebbs and flows and all relationships have phases that take a lot of work. They aren’t always fun but in my opinion, it should always be worth it and have both people making an effort. 

You said you have no problem with porn but I can see that it has become a problem if your partner is using it as a substitute for physical intimacy with you. The fact that he is looking at more interactive type sites is another huge red flag. 

It doesn’t sound like you are happy and it doesn’t sound like he’s willing to make the effort to change. It takes two people, not just one. It would be hard to leave now but harder to get a divorce. He will only keep treating you this way if you let him. 

Post # 7
Member
248 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

I’m so sorry! I’m not sure what I’d do but I hope that finding the sites on his computer isn’t making you crazy! I hope that he’s making a real effort to sort things, him talking about cleaning and things sounds a bit ‘blamey’!

Lots of internet hugs!

Post # 8
Member
33 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: January 2015

I’m really sorry darling, that sounds so difficult. Sending you lots of hugs. I am racking my brain trying to suggest something other than counselling, but if you can make a sacrifice with the distance and cost, I think it’s really important in this situation. It sounds like you both feel wronged, and you really need an impartial party here. If he’s the ‘strong, silent type’ and suddenly exploding with these specific and arguably petty complaints, it sounds as though you may be good at communicating with him but it doesn’t work both ways. He might need something like this to help him learn to express himself. Does he sulk? A more chronic form of resentment can easily fester for somebody like that. 

It’s very hard to know if this is cold feet, a dip in the relationship, or a real drifting apart. You have still got time to either fix this, or realise that it’s not going to work. Don’t panic and stay strong. I would advise against putting any deposits down right now, if you have to push back the wedding a bit in the long run so be it. You want to be going into this on a solid foundation. 

Post # 9
Member
171 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: April 2014

@hiddenbee92:  I’m sorry you are going through this. If this was me I would take it as him losing interest and I would leave. I’m not sure counseling would really change anything and this Is coming from someone who has been going to couples counseling since 6 months in. some relationships lose steam and it’s no ones fault, in this case it’s good you haven’t married and had children. Some guys just can’t go the distance with anyone and it’s a good thing you know now while it’s supposed to be the “honeymoon period”

Post # 11
Member
41 posts
Newbee

You poor thing, that’s so shitty. They say your relationship is as good as it’s ever going to be when you’re dating, it won’t magically get better just because you’re married. I would call things off now and find someone who appreciates you. 

Post # 12
Member
3016 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2014 - Prague

I’ll be blunt: these are pretty enormous problems. And I don’t think the way your FI handled himself in the blowup speaks very highly for him.

If he’s having difficulties with his sex drive, that needs to be an open, honest conversation that doesnt’ end up with it being your fault somehow. If he’s not attracted to you, so be it, but he has to admit that. If it’s something medical or whatever, that needs to be investigated and hopefully solved.

If he has issues with chores, or if he wants the two of you to be healthy, there are ways of discussing those as well, without him blaming you.

Personally, this leaves a bad taste in my mouth. I would consider seriously whether this man could make me happy– even if this bad phase ends.

The fact that he’s making your skin crawl? BAD SIGN.

Keep us posted, OP! And please take care of yourself here. I dont’ trust your FI to do it, frankly.

Post # 13
Member
33 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: January 2015

@hiddenbee92: Just a thought regarding the flirt sites – he seems pretty adamant. I didn’t see them of course, but it is actually possible that they were popups. It is very easy for these sites to detect the location you are browsing from and tailor the results to include girls in that area as if you were searching for them. And they’re very common on porn sites.

I feel like it might be controversial advising you to do further investigation; there are obviously bigger issues at play in your relationship, but it seems like whether this site access was intentional or not is a big deal for you and you can’t trust him enough to take his word for it right now. If it will put your mind at rest and allow you to move forward, then you should perhaps look into it. One way for you to tell might be to go to the same porn sites he was on and see if you get anything similar come up for you. If he’s browsing on home wifi, you could also access the router logs, depending on what you use; it will show you absolutely everything that has been accessed on your connection from any device within the requested timeframe. You can’t delete this, as with your device’s internet history. You can see if the times those pages were accessed coincided with the times the porn was clicked on, again indicating popups. You can tell that he was clicking around within the site if there is uninterrupted accessing of the domain. Not only that, but you can also see how often he is accessing porn, the times and the patterns, and therefore whether it really is a question of low libido and you not being around when he does get the urge, or a real migration of his desire away from your sex life and onto his computer. That will probably tell you all you need to know.

Post # 14
Member
2355 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

@hiddenbee92:  Dump him. You don’t want this for the rest of your life.

Post # 15
Member
1487 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

@hiddenbee92:  this relationship sounds really unhealthy for you. What’s worse is that he seems fine with the status quo and discounts your feelings, shows you no affection, blames you for flirting (or worse) with other women, says he’s not in love with you. You deserve so much better, everyone does. I hope you move on.

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