(Closed) Not sure what to do with FMIL…long vent…

posted 7 years ago in Family
Post # 3
Member
232 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

maybe getting the ball rolling on her own upcoming wedding would take some of the heat off you… it sounds like she’s going to be a thorn in your side no matter what you do, so you might as well take some time and really focus on what you and FH want.  The sad fact is that she’s going to be in your life for a long while, so learning how to either stand your ground, fight back gently, or avoid stressful situations would probably be to your benefit.  Good luck, and I’m sure you’re not alone in this!

Post # 4
Member
1166 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2010

I’m sorry, but a “promise ring”? How old is she? That just sounds juvenile.

If it is true that she cornered him, then it’s very telling that he gave her a “promise ring” and not an engagement ring. She can talk about it all she wants, but it doesn’t sound like he is particularly  committed.

I suggest you put it out of your mind, and talk to her about the wedding as little as possible. Don’t share details until they’re decided, and if she complains, let it roll off your back. And stop trying to please her; you can’t.

Spend your time and energy with the people who are excited and supportive of your wedding. Good luck!

Post # 6
Member
646 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

It sounds like you have…. A mother in law. Congratulations. :-/

I know that if I were in your shoes (and believe me, I’m not far off.. I put a few examples at the bottom) I’d be really upset also. But, if you step back and look at what you’re upset about (I’m going to play devil’s advocate. bear with me) its not TOO TOO bad:

  • I had to change the date:” Why? Did you ask her input for the first date?
  • she bought a dress in a color similar to the bridesmaids:” Many older traditions do say that the MOB and MOG should wear a color similar to that of the bridesmaids, maybe she thought she was doing what was right (though usally they’re supposed to consult with you and the your mom, after your mom buys her dress)
  • “she upset with the number of invites she gets:” Ha. Every bride deals with this.
  • “she is upset with the location” Also pretty typical, but annoying
  • “Nothing seems to please her. And she never says it in a mean way, she just says things like “This is weighing heavy on my heart…” HA!!! How annoying. Maybe she thinks she’s being nice when she says crap like that ๐Ÿ™‚
  • “she made mention of the fact that we are having the wedidng and all in my home town, and that she should be able to have the shower in her home town because it’s only fair:” Why does there have to be only one shower? Why can’t she host one for you in her town, and your mom host one for you in yours? (Many brides have multiple showers. And, since people throw them FOR you, the hosts don’t really need to take your input on anything other than the guest list and whether you can make it.)

I know it’s tough. And she sounds certifiable (especially with the “promise ring… what?!”. But, just grit your teeth. I think it’s part of being a bride… The FMIL’s really seem to like to punish us for taking away their status as #1 in their son’s life. It sucks. But don’t let her annoyingness get to you (if possible) and ESPECIALLY don’t let it get in the way of what YOU want for your wedding. You’ll always need to be a little accomodating, but don’t throw out your white dress and run to Vegas on her account! Your frustrations are totally normal. You might be over reacting a little… BUT, thats also normal. MIL’s can be extremely annoying.

Not sure if this will make you feel better, but here are a few of the comments I have received from my FMIL lately.

  • “<LOUD SIGH> (my fiance’s name) is my FAVORITE date. Now I’m stuck sharing him.”
  • Me, “are you happy you’ll be gaining a daughter?” Her, “Only if you let me see my grandkids and are nice to me.” (What?!!)
  • “Here’s a blue necklace that you can borrow from me, so long as you stay married to my son.” (The morning after we got engaged.)

Post # 7
Member
3847 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: December 2004

Sounds like you are going to have to just lay it out for her.  Tell her that you are tired of hearing about her promise ring and possible wedding.  Tell her that you couldn’t care less if she likes, dislikes, or is indifferent to your choices about your wedding.  She is supposed to be happy for her son and not add drama.  I wouldn’t worry too much that being direct with her will ruins you MIL/DIL relationship as it looks as if it is going to be an antaganistic (spelling?) relationship anyway.  You might as will let her know from the beginning that you do not intend on put up with this crap.

Post # 8
Member
3847 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: December 2004

Man, I should proof read my posts.   Surprised

Post # 9
Member
6893 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: March 2012

She sounds just delighful. ๐Ÿ˜‰ I think her insecurity with her own relationship is what is pushing her to believe she has a lot of input in your wedding. If she is not contributing financially, she has no say.

I like the generic idea, “Thank you for that idea. FI and I will talk about it and decide later.” I use this with my FGMIL (future grandmother in law, who is a nightmare) and will probably be saying it many, many more times to her. She thinks wedding’s are frivolous, and why can’t we just get married in her backyard? Um. No?

I think PPs have said it pretty well – just don’t bring it up to her, and to be honest avoiding her for a bit isn’t the worst idea. This doesn’t sound like a trait that’s going to change too easily so it comes with the package. Good luck!

Post # 10
Member
646 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

Sorry, @burris4, but

Sounds like you are going to have to just lay it out for her.  Tell her that you are tired of hearing about her promise ring and possible wedding.  Tell her that you couldn’t care less if she likes, dislikes, or is indifferent to your choices about your wedding.  She is supposed to be happy for her son and not add drama.  I wouldn’t worry too much that being direct with her will ruins you MIL/DIL relationship as it looks as if it is going to be an antaganistic (spelling?) relationship anyway.  You might as will let her know from the beginning that you do not intend on put up with this crap.”

Is NOT the way to go. You’ll completely strain relations with her AND your FI. (Imagine if YOU were caught in the middle of a fight between YOUR mom and your FI! It would be awful!)  If someone needs to put their foot down with her, it ABSOLUTELY must be your fiance. He can say those things to her, but you can’t. I know it sucks… But just imagine the way she’ll spin it back to him. She’ll call crying, “Beth2010 was just SOOO awful to me, she told me you both hate me and that she doesn’t want me to be a part of the wedding…. etc, etc.” It’ll be bad. And whatever she tells your FI you said will be 10x worse than what you actually DID say.

Trust me. In dealing with my FMIL, let your FI handle it. Have you talked to HIM about her offending you? What does he say?

Post # 11
Member
3847 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: December 2004

@sonj818:  I am sorry that you disagree.  The truth of the matter is that my HUSBAND and I have been together for 10 years and married for 6.5.  I would venture to say that I have a bit more “real-life” experience with MILs.  Yes, her FI should be the only to say something but apparently he didn’t or it didn’t work.  I will clarify buy saying that the OP should definately have her FI with her when she brings this us to her FMIL.  As far as FI being “stuck in the middle” between his mom and OP, if he is stuck in the middle he is too far on his mother’s side.  The fact is that his alligence needs to be with the OP and if it isn’t than she needs to go find a different man.  If your FI won’t stand beside you and in your corner BEFORE you get married, don’t be niave enough to think he will change after marriage.

Post # 12
Member
3847 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: December 2004

ie. if he can’t pull his big boy pants on and stand up for his FI, he isn’t much of a man anyway.

 

Post # 13
Member
646 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

@burris4: “The fact is that his alligence needs to be with the OP and if it isn’t than she needs to go find a different man.  If your FI won’t stand beside you and in your corner BEFORE you get married, don’t be niave enough to think he will change after marriage.”

I COMPLETELY agree with you there. What you get now is what you’ll get later… So make sure you’re ok with how HE’s handling it.

๐Ÿ™‚ Good luck, Beth2010… This really sucks. But there are lots of us right there with you!

Post # 14
Member
46 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: November 2004

Beth2010 – you are not alone. Plan your wedding and send out the invitations. You don’t need to include her in all aspects of your planning if it brings you grief – unless she is paying. If I were you, I would limit contact and certain conversations with her if you can forsee how she will react. Since it appears that you will be stuck with her, watch, learn and be very very wise. You can’t help having her as your MIL, but you can help not having a miserable life by being careful how you interact with her. Good fences make good neighbors. What better time to start implementing this than now as you plan your wedding? Good luck.

Post # 14
Member
46 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: November 2004
Post # 15
Member
2053 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

@Beth2010: Hang in there. Though she may not be outright saying cruel things, she is being manipulative with her tears and promise ring “another wedding!” antics. She *wants* a reaction out of you. Just say “Congratulations! I’m glad waiting for him to give you a promise ring will no longer weigh heavy on your heart!” Okay, well, maybe not that last sentence, just say “congrats!” and leave it at that. Share in her happiness, however shallow you perceive it to be (tee hee) and just concentrate on you. Surround yourself with good people, positive support toward your wedding, and leave her out if it. If she tries to butt in with her crazy-making ways, just say, “Thanks, we’ll take that into consideration!” and move on. ๐Ÿ˜‰ Good luck to you!

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