- 5 years ago
Hello.. gonna have to be anonymous here but I am a regular bee..
No matter how much I try, things we’ve been through have left me insecure and resentful towards him and I think a lot has to do with the fact that he’s never been totally honest with me about things until this wknd..
It all started w Friday and his mom coming over for dinner. I don’t know why but his mom often talks about him and his ex’s and stories about them and what they did and she did again and I wasn’t feeling totally into it and I made a comment.. I was like oh great another one I’ve never heard of, I hear of a new girl every month. and his mom made a face like what the hell and then he didn’t talk or look at me for the rest of the evening.
so then he dropped off his mom and he came back fuming and he was like you totally embarrassed me in front of her.. she told me we don’t seem happy and if everything was ok and I had to make up excuses for you..
and then the yelling started, and the accusations and after what seemed an hour he was like.. you’re really not over what happened I don’t think you ever will be, how many times am I going to have to apologize you need to tell me right now if you will get over it and if you don’t then we can’t get married.
and then I was crying and I was telling him I didn’t think I could get over it like that, the things he’s said to those girls and the fact that I saw what he said made things worse because I still remember them very clearly. I told him he still makes me feel insecure because of his secrecy and the way he acts and that he makes me feel like I’m crazy and I’m making everything up
then he asked me again, giving me the ultimatum, we were basically deciding to be together or not. and I was upset because I was telling him that theres a big problem and he can’t just ask me to close my eyes and pretend it’s not there and I can’t just get over it and it’s not fair or him to ask me to make that decision
all of a sudden, he says.. i have something to tell you, i have a problem. i talk a lot of crap but I would never do anything to hurt you or cheat on you but you’re absolutely right, i say things to girls suggesting i want to be with them and then i regret it right away. at this point i’m crying from relief that i’m not crazy.
and he continues to say that he’s always done this.. in every relationship but all he wants it to marry me, have children, build a life with me and he wants to be the great husband he dreams about, he doesn’t want to be like his father who cheated but he has a fear of things he may say because he is inappropriate. he says you think you know how much i love you but you really have no idea and it kills me that i do this.
i tell him that that time i saw the emails with his ex i also saw others that i never mentioned. he was telling girls that he dreamt of them and being extremely inappropriate. and i told him i saw that and he makes me feel like i’m not good enough that he has to go out and flirt with other girls just to feel good. and he was saying how he was lying and he didn’t mean anything he said to those girls, he doesn’t know why he did it and he would always regret it right away and that he was sorry and i deserved better but that he loved me more than anything, that he’s never loved anyone like me and he never will and all he wants is to be with me.
then he tells me this girl texted him and he knows she used to like him a lot and from fear of what he would say he never answered but he was worried about it and just wanted to stop hearing from girls from the past who were still after him because he obviously couldn’t handle it
and i told him i didn’t want to have to share him with others even if he’s just pretending and he tells me that he made me feel insecure when in reality he is the one who has bigger insecurities and he wants to deal with them and to give him another chance
and then i asked him how am i supposed to trust him going forward.. and he said that he wanted me to have his fb pw and to check up on him because there will be nothing there.. he wants to change his number and not have ppl from the past have it.
and after he was like.. i feel so good about telling you, i feel like now i can talk to about it and we’re a team learning and growing from this together and i will never let you down, i feel more connected to you and so on. i felt better immediately knowing that he has admitted to something i knew was there the whole time but i’m still lost. he tells me to give it time and i will see a difference with him, he will prove it to me but i don’t want to have to worry all the time about what he is saying or doing. i don’t know if that trust can be rebuilt. i pray and hope it can but i honestly can’t say for sure. i’ve already seen a difference in him where when i need to talk to him about it, he doesn’t get angry, he sits down and listens and answers whatever questions or concerns i have. i feel so weird because a lot of the posts are about this specific issue.. does every one go through this? does it get better?