Post # 1
So, I was finally able to get together a list of possible venues – places that fit our vibe, guest list, and budget. Whew. Time to start the relatively more fun part of looking them over and trying to secure a venue. Right? Wrong, apparently.
I shared everything with my FH. I told him I was thinking we’d make appointments to view places in the next few weeks, with the idea that we would, hopefully, be ready to sign a contract within the next couple of month. We are hoping to get married in fall 2010.
His response was not what I expected. He thinks I’m going overboard with planning and rushing things, that we have months to research more thoroughly before making a final decision. Also, he seemed uneasy and when I questioned him about this, he said that suddenly we are much further along and he needs time to ‘adjust’.
I really want to get rolling on securing a venue now, because why take chances on losing a great site when we don’t have to? Yeah, maybe we could get by with waiting until next year, but there are only a finite number of venues to consider, so why would we?
I don’t know what to make of this! Is this ‘normal’ hesitation early in the planning process, or is it a sign he’s getting cold feet? Or, are guys just completely clueless when it comes to planning a wedding and the idea of planning a year out seems absurd to them? Anyone have insight or similar experiences?
Post # 3
Guys dont have weding-brains like we do. They dont get that these places book early, so you need to be on top of it. He proposed, which is a HUGE step for him (and in his eyes, both of you.) I was like this at first too. People kept asking the date and I was like “Let us enjoy being engaged first!!!” Id explain to him you dont mean to rush, its just that with weddings, venues can book up to 2 years in advance so if nothing else, you’d like to secure that now. Then you two can mellow and slow it down.
Post # 4
- Wedding: August 2009 - St. Thomas of Villanova Church & the F.U.E.L. House
As long as he’s slipped the ring on your finger, I don’t think you’re rushing things! In fact, I think it’s smart to plan the big things ASAP — you’ll get first crack at your top picks for locations, vendors, etc. and possibly secure cheaper rates for being ahead of the game!
Post # 5
I agree, a year or 18 months in advance sounds like a long time to a guy! If he needs time to adjust, figure out what the means. Does it mean talking about what things will be like when you’re married and leaving the wedding details alone? Does it mean showing off the ring he worked hard to buy for you? Does it mean celebrating the huge step you two took? Let him know you’re doing all these things and let him know how crazy wedding planning can be.
I’d suggest finding out from the venues how far in advance they reserve the space, letting your FI know how far in advance this must be done, and looking at them together. Let him know you want his input and this is the first big thing you need to nail down, then take it easy for a while. Throughout your engagement, be sure to remain focused on your relationship, a lot of us have to remember that!
Post # 6
I wouldn’t let his comment bother you…. my fiance said the exact same thing. He wondered what all the rush was about and told me to relax/slow down (even though I was only planning a year in advance).
In retrospect, he would now say he wishes we had gotten more taken care of sooner. In all honesty, his comment was a reflection of how little he knew about what goes into planning a wedding. He thought dress, tux, venue, caterer, done. Ha! As if. 😛
Post # 7
I think guys just don’t really get it. Wedding stuff books a looooong time in advance… 12-18 months is totally normal! The vendors that I booked <12 months out I had a harder time with, as a lot of them just responded that they’d already been booked. DH didn’t understand until we started getting “I’m sorrys” from vendors!
Post # 8
Yea, my guy didn’t understand why I reserved our place ASAP, but then I showed him their reservation calendar and he started to get it. They think weddings can just be slapped together in no time, but even the most simple and casual wedding takes a lot of planning! Don’t worry about it, chances are he doesn’t get that weddings need to be planned out far in advance (well I guess they don’t, but the wedding that involves everything you want).
Post # 9
- Wedding: September 2009 - City Hall
Aside from brides, I don’t think most people have any idea how far in advance reservations are often needed.
Post # 10
I think weddings freak most guys out b/c it’s not something they “do” and men are “do-ers” by nature. T said that weddings are something he can’t fix or do or create and he said the “do-er” thing and that he’d approve of stuff with me, but the design stuff will be in my court. MY thing! Now cars, tires, or stock market questions or issues? All totally him.
Post # 11
I think they don’t get it and I also think they don’t understand how we get so into it. This week I said, “we have 11 months to go and all the big stuff is done, now it’s details. I get excited about them but I can’t talk about them with anyone until I talk to you abour them. Will you please pick one night a week where we can talk wedding and you can be an active participant in discussions, ideas and decisions…” and he was totally on board with it. Wednesday night date night including wedding talk!
Post # 12
Hey Peanut. Just make sure he doesn’t think you are rushing the date of the wedding. Have you thoroughly discussed Fall 2010 or a more specific date. Perhaps the thought of a wedding looming so soon (really just a year) is freaking him out. I agree though, if he just doesn’t get the whole wedding planning timing thing, then just explain it gently and light a fire under his booty.
Post # 13
Let’s just face it BOYS DON’T UNDERSTAND! I told my Fi we need to book a place early because our wedding day was memorial weekend and I know thats a huge wedding weekend, but even then he might have been a little hesitant. And guess what, the Saturday we wanted was booked, but we settled for that Friday!!
Post # 14
I know that even though we had thoroughly discussed getting married, and even specific things we wanted at our wedding, once he proposed it still took me a month or so to wrap my head around it and get excited. If you can, let him have a bit of space to absorb everything.
I don’t know about your area, but for us our engagement is less than 8 months and only one vendor that we wanted was already booked. (Which was just as well since we couldn’t have afforded him anyways.)
Post # 15
I think this sounds very typical for a newly engaged guy.
For example, my SO proposed to me without a ring… I started talking wedding at that point (thinking about dates, venues, colors and other details). He, on the other hand, felt like he wanted to take a few months and “adjust”. We decided on a “no planning until the ring is in place” rule. We started making calls, looking at venues and set a date when we were 12 months out.
I think it’s great to take a few months out to just bask in the moment and process the changes 🙂
Hopefully you and your FI can talk and decide what’s best for you as a couple. If it were me, I would have that talk from a position of confidence and security… not with worries of cold feet.
Good luck and enjoy!
Post # 16
I think the other ladies are right. He just doesn’t know how the “wedding world” works. He’s probably afraid that you’re getting too early a start and may fear that this is a sign of scary giant wedding-ness to come.
I would sit down with him and talk about a rough date, then explain the reservation calendar and etc. Venue does determine a lot of other things, so it’s important to make sure you’re on the same page for the general feel of the wedding. Start with the generals – outside or inside, formal or casual? We had that conversation and found out we were totally in agreement, so finding a venue was easy! Our next step was to make independent lists of our three biggest priorities so we knew where to spend our money/effort.
Good luck and don’t be discouraged!