Post # 1
I’m 26, BF is 31, and we’ve been together for 3.5 months. Just 2 months ago, I moved into his apt which we were talking about doing for a while (actually 1.5 years prior). He’s made it very clear that he will not marry unless we live together first. I agreed with this when I made the decision to move in, and now, I just feel like I may have made a mistake. It’s a weird feeling I can’t explain, but I think it’s because of the events that have taken place within the last year:
His older brother by 2 year who met a girl got engaged to her within a year of dating earlier this year. Then, just 5 months later, his younger sister gets engaged to her BF while on vacation.
Before any of that had happened, I thought I was taking the next step forward by moving in with him and discussing engagement. Now that his siblings are engaged, I feel as thought our relationship will be put on the back burner at least for a year or 2. (Don’t want to look like copycats / Too many wedding expenses coming up now / etc).
Now I’m guilty of starting to feel resentment. We’re living together, but no talks are going to happen, and if they do, he’s going to think I want to get married out of jealousy/feeling left out.
Sorry if this post is a ramble/jumps around too much. I tried to keep it short.
Any words of advice on how to cope……?
Post # 3
Dating for 3.5 months or 3.5 years?
Because you made mention about talking about moving a year ago, there’s a HUGE difference between your expectations and the length of time you’ve been dating, depending on which it is.
BTW, 2 months isn’t all that long to make that choice after moving in.
If you moved in expecting him to propose, sorry to say that wasn’t really the right reason to move in with him. :/
Post # 4
I think that having his siblings get engaged should be a great conversation starter about his ideas concerning marriage, and if he tries to spin it as you being jealous, that’s a pretty big red flag and insight into his thinking.
Why do you know for sure no talks are going to happen? Did you discuss marriage ever before with him?
Post # 5
@coffeegrl_12: You two need to do what feels right for YOUR timelines, regardless of what anyone around you has done. Do you feel like had those other two not gotten engaged, marriage would have been on the table? You need to have a talk about the goals you have for your lives and create your own timeline. Don’t let him think you want to get married just to fit in. Let him know you want to get married because he’s the one for you and you are ready to move forward with your lives as a family, not just a dating couple until the wedding buzz fizzles out.
Is the feeling of the mistake the part where you moved in together? Let him know you moved in with him because you saw it as moving forward. Talk that out with him. He may surprise you with how he feels about it. Maybe he hasn’t talked about it because he has a history of competitiveness with his siblings or because he wants you two to have all the spotlight and happiness without having to share it with the siblings. Hang in there and be honest! If he’s the one you want to marry, honesty about your feelings will be something you’ll need to learn in the long run, anway! 🙂
Post # 6
@coffeegrl_12: I’m going to assume you meant 3.5 *years*.
Anyways, I think you should just tell him how you feel and try to gauge his reaction. Try to compose your thoughts first, and then have a talk about how all of these people getting engaged makes him feel. When my FI and I were dating, I’d ask him things like that and he’d say “makes me excited for OUR big day.” Which is obviously a good reaction. Had he replied “uggh, it’s so annoying, i’m so tired of hearing about weddings.” Well, that might be a pretty big indicator we weren’t on the same page.
Post # 7
@coffeegrl_12: If you have only been together such a short time relax and take things a little slower.
Post # 8
@badabing88: Yes, I meant to type years and wrote months!
Post # 9
@CakeyP: thanks for pointing that out, definitely meant years and typed months! 🙂
Post # 11
@coffeegrl_12: I also moved in with my BF and was living with him for almost six months before he proposed, and that waiting period was really tough, because I had wanted the proposal to come first, but I compromised and then found myself even more frustrated after moving in and not getting engaged immediately.
a. I think you need to communicate more with him. Does he know you moved in with the expectation that you would be getting engaged soon? Are you guys both clear on what “soon” means and have you discussed a timeline at all? Have you guys discussed goals/hurdles you’d like to conquer as domestic partners before taking the next step? It obviously was important to him that you guys try living together, and two months is not very long at all- you’ve hardly had time to fall into a routine yet to see how sharing chores really works after you get more comfortable living together, how well you guys communicate about money and spending and your financial goals as individuals and as a couple, how often you’re having sex now that you live together and the excitement of being together every night wears off, how one reacts/judges when the other wants to have a lazy weekend doing nothing but watch TV and eating pizza and not getting anything productive done, etc. Ask him what it is he wants to “wait” for, and ask yourself the same question. Just TALK to him- being afraid to be open and honest about your feelings about your future together only says that you’re NOT ready, so overcoming that fear about him misunderstanding your feelings as jealousy/feeling left out is important in order to communicate at an appropriate level for two adults ready for marriage :).
b. I *know* it’s so much easier said than done, but you HAVE to stop comparing your relationship to others. If you guys do get engaged this year, I bet it won’t even cross anyone’s mind to think that you guys are “copying” his siblings by taking the next step. You moved in together, you’re at the right ages, you’re obviously serious about each other, and I’m sure his whole family knows that and is expecting you guys to take the next step in the near future. People fall in love and grow in their relationships and get engaged all the time, it’s not something anyone else can have “first”. I happened to get engaged less than two months after my uncle did and less than one month after my cousin did. It just happens that way sometimes! It had absolutely nothing to do with them or their relationships, as my FI had planned mine months before even knowing my uncle and cousin were getting engaged!
Post # 12
They could be engaged this year but take 2 years before they are married. You could be engaged tomorrow and be married by December. I dunno if you get what i’m saying. I see nothing wrong in you being engaged to your SO.
Just as @GoldfishPie: said, the engagements are great conversation starters to see where you stand. Maybe you could mention to him that you thought that you two would be engaged before the others.
Before moving in, I would have to know how the timeline would run (e.g. 1. move in, 2. get pet, 3. get married, 4. buy house, 5. have kid).
I wish you the best!