Post # 1
Hey bees, long time follower but this is only the second time I’ve posted looking for advice. I’m having a really hard time right now and talking to friends and family seems to just make matters worse. Sorry in advance this may be quite long but I appreciate any who take the time to read and respond.
ill start out by saying my problem involves my Fiance and I. I’ve posted on here before asking for advice about a situation where I found out my Fiance was saying some pretty disrespectful things in regards to our relationship. We have been together for 8 years now and about a year ago we decided to take the plunge and get engaged. We picked out a ring and we made the decision that he would ask me when the time was right and it would be more of a surprise. He proposed around Christmas last year and we were very happy and excited to plan the rest of our lives together. I found out about 4 months later that a few months before he had proposed he had been messaging a girl from work on Facebook talking to her about having her hook him up with her single friends and not wanting anyone to know that he may be engaged. I know I shouldn’t have been snooping on his Facebook but I had a weird feeling about some things that were going on between us and I went against my better judgement and snooped. Needless to say this really hurt but he had put an end to their chatting before I even found out and I chalked it up to cold feet about proposing. He apologized, said he never meant to hurt me, and it would never happen again. I tried to believe him and I thought we had moved on to a better place in our relationship. He even bought me a second engagement ring to prove that he truly wanted to be with me and how stupid he had been.
Fast forward to May of his year and we found out we were pregnant. It was a bit of a surprise to us considering I was on birh control but we were extremely excited and decided to start a family despite the less than opportune timing. We have been together so long and it seemed meant to be. Last month my fiancé attended a bachelor party for my soon to be brother in law and as everyone knows boys will be boys and my Fiance was pretty drunk by the time he returned back to my brother in laws home. I said I would drive home and he became very upset with me adamant abut driving and eventually I won out and he reluctantly let me drive. I was berated the entire drivehome, he has never said such awful and hurtfu things to me. While I was very upset about it I tried to let it go and prettymuch just sat there and took the yelling. I knew he had too much to drink and I would talk to him about it when hes sobered up. I just wanted to drive him home to make sure he was safe and did not get In trouble or kill himself or god forbid somebody else. When we got home I went upstairs to change and he was on his cell texting. I asked who he was texting at 2am and he said it was an email. I’m not an idiot I know the difference between email and text and when he passed out a few minutes later I checked his phone. He was texting somebody in his phone named “frank” about how awful I was and how much he wished he would have met “frank” before me. I knew something wasn’t right so I dialed the number and my heart sank when a female answered the phone. I didn’t know what to do I just hung up and put the phone down. I know it was stupid of me but I was so upest I confronted him. In his drunken stupor he denied it all told me I was crazy and I had texted this person talking smack about myself and trying to start a fight. I was devastated. This woman had texted him back asking him to come over and talk. He had already passed out at this point but god only knows what he would have done if he hadn’t. I immediately left and decided to stay with my mother for a few days. I couldn’t handle the stress being 3 months pregnant thinking we were so happy ony to have it ripped out from under me. When he came to the next day he called and messages me apologized saying how stupid he was, he didn’t mean what he said to her, begging me to come home. I stayed strong for a few days listening to his explanations but none of it made sense. I checked our phone bills because I pay them and he had been lying and carrying this relationship on for weeks. He claims it was nothing but friendly conversation but why did he hide it? Why disguise her name as frank and delete all the messages? I gave it a few days and decided to come home to him. I love this man more than anything he is the father to my child I had to give it a shot he promised he would cut all ties stop messaging her and prove to me how stupid he was how much he wanted to have a family with me. This was a month ago and I just found out they are still in contact, its another woman that he works with. He says she is crazy and its only her messaging him being adamant and he claims not to respond. I wake up to his phone going off every weekend at all hours of the middle of the night and he tells me it’s her and immediately deletes the messages. I ask to see them and he refuses. I don’t know what to do anymore he claims he told her off and not to talk to him anymore he claims to ignore her but just last week I saw he was responding when I checked the phone bill. I can’t live this way forever constantly paranoid I want to believe him I want to believe its just her but it’s so hard. It’s hurts to think he said he wished he never met me its like saying our life and our child is a lie. This is supposed to be the happiest time of our lives and I’m miserable I can’t get over it. I love this man so much I thought we we’re moving forward starting a family and I don’t know anymore.
Bees what do you think? Is this something you could get over after all the broken promises? I want to believe it won’t happen again but it’s all I can think about. Maybe I’m overreacting? Should i just chalk it up to cold feet abou getting married and starting a family? Sorry for the length I just needed to get it out and hear some other opinions. Thanks so much for taking the time to read it.
Post # 3
I am so sorry you are in such a shitty situation. Honestly I cant tell you what to do, but I can tell you that I wouldn’t stay. I know you are pregnant and I know you love him but honestly this isn’t the first or even second time that he’s hurt you or lied to you. He can’t just keep buying you new rings and making empty promises to make you stay. He sounds like he’s full of shit, and I wouldn’t trust that things haven’t gone further with ‘Frank’ or this woman at work. No matter how drunk, no one that loves you should pull this crap. Ever. You’re better than that.
Post # 4
To your guy being emotionally (and maybe sexually) unfaithful to you – repeatedly?
I think it the texting was a one-time thing, maybe you could forgive and forget. But this keeps happening, and he’s still hiding it. He knows that you know and doesn’t seem to care – he obviously doesn’t have any respect for you, or maybe it’s just that his selfishness is more powerful.
With the child in the picture, I wouldn’t walk away right off the bat – but I’d let him know what you were thinking. That if this continues, you won’t put up with this kind of repeated abuse. That if you get one more sign of infidelity, you’ll leave. And mean it. You have to be prepared to follow through with a promise like that or he’ll keep walking all over you.
Personally, I hope he shapes up. I hope it is just cold feet, and he gets over it and mans up. I am so sorry this happened to you. My heart is breaking for you. I hope everything turns out okay. <3
Post # 5
I don’t claim to be a relationship expert by any means, but to me a bunch of those things you mentioned are huge red flags. If it weren’t for the baby I would say walk away because there is no trust in your relationship, and trust is one of those things you have to have to be happy with someone. However, you are pregnant with his child, so it’s not just you you have to be concerned about. I would seriously reconsider marrying someone who hides emotional cheating like this, and dissolve or delay the engagement. You might try couples counseling if he would agree to it.
Post # 6
I think I would demand to see the message and if he refuses tell his you will walk if he doesn’t show you the messages immediately. I would go into this with a list of demands: immediate couseling, he start looking for a new job, and zero contact with her. If he refused or I caught him in a lie, I would be gone. Yes, children need two parents, but not at this cost. Your baby is going to absolutely be the light of your life. You can’t even imagine right now how in love you are going to be when your little one gets here. It will get better, hopefully he will get his head out of his a*s and show up. If he doesn’t, just know that the best truly is still to come.
Post # 7
He has never, not even once, followed through on his promises to stop talking to (and forming relationships with) other women. He’ll continue as long as you continue to put up with it. You’ve caught him in several lies, but you keep coming back. What you consider love I consider codependence. Time to get to a counselor and figure out why you don’t feel like you deserve better – he either needs to be held to a higher standard or you need to find someone else who will actually be faithful (or else be on your own for awhile).
This is an unhealthy cycle that you’re enabling. What I’m reading in your OP is that he has no loyalty and faithfulness to your relationship and your baby. I don’t care what his words say… what do his actions say to you? Sorry to be blunt, but that’s the black and white of it.
Post # 8
I’ve been with a man just like your fiance (twice actually). It’s not just her doing it, I can guarantee it.
I think you know from writing this post that you are not overreacting. If you need someone to actually tell you that, I will gladly – you are NOT overreacting. And honestly? You will not be happy staying with this man. I hate to say that because I know how it feels to be pregnant with the child of a man like this. But you will not be happy with him, and you will never feel secure in your relationship.
Post # 9
I am so sorry you’re going through this and sending lotsa hugs!!!
He has said some mean hurtful things to you, lied to you, betrayed your trust and after everything he apologizes. I believe he’s not ready to be engaged/tied down despite what he says. He’s not behaving like a loving Fiance soon to be father by his actions. If he truly wants to be with you he needs to change his number so “Frank” or anyone else doesn’t call anymore. He needs a new number and not to give it to anyone without a penis!!!!
Post # 10
You don’t deserve to be treated this way. The cheating is inexcusable and it sounds like he is big on talking change but not doing it. And don’t even get me started on the yelling at you. That is emotional abuse. There is always the potential for abuse to escalate and even if it doesn’t, it’s not something that will just go away. Being drunk isn’t an excuse to treat you like that and it will happen again. Please don’t stay and have a family with this man. You and your child deserve better than the treatment you will get.
Post # 11
I don’t think you’re overreacting at all. It seems like he was never especially ready to commit and settle down and rather than be upfront with you, he chose to repeatedly disrespect you and go behind your back. You never want to go into a marriage with someone you can’t trust. I’m sure being pregnant makes it exponentially harder to walk away, but you sound so unhappy and he doesn’t seem like the kind of guy who’s going to change and suddenly become a committed husband. I would focus on building a relationship with him as a coparent rather than a romantic partner.
Post # 12
The fact that he has continued to contact other women makes me think that this is not a “cold feet” type of thing. (I’m not even sure that if it had only happened with one woman could it have been attributed to being from “cold feet”).
Because this is clearly a pattern and you feel the need to check the phone bills and his phone, you don’t appear to trust him. I don’t blame you. He is not trustworthy. A man who is serious about being in a committed relationship wouldn’t be contacting other women behind your back.
As hard as it may be, I’d consider leaving him, even though you love him and are pregnant. He has shown that he is not worthy of your trust and does not respect you (as evidenced by his continued deception). That does not seem like a healthy environment to raise a child. Give it some thought. I’d also consider getting tested for STDs/STIs. He has proven himself dishonest before and who knows what else he has lied about. You need to protect your health and that of your baby.
I am so sorry you are going through this. My heart breaks for you. Sending virtual hugs your way.
Post # 13
Oh honey I am so sorry you are going thru this. I honestly don’t see much hope in this situation. He could get a new job but there would just be a new woman shortly thereafter. This seems to be his MO doesn’t it? You are right not to trust him. Always follow your gut instinct. He doesnt seem to care how much he hurts you and I really wish I could knock some sense into him for you 🙁 If it were me I would leave now and hopefully he will forget all about you and the baby. That may sound harsh but it would make your life a whole lot easier and less drama than shared custody, new women in and out of your child’s life etc. I know how painful this is and sending you big cyber hugs. If you ever need to talk I am here.
Post # 14
Personally, even with a child, I wouldn’t stick around for this. A relationship should be built on trust and honesty and he can’t offer you either. These things keep coming up over and over again. I think you should give him a list of demands, things that MUST change if this is going to work, and if he refuses, or lies, or screws up, that would be it. Your child will be much happier even if his or her parents aren’t together if his or her mom is happy, I know from experience.
Post # 15
Just a bit of Weddingbee related advice: your post would be easier to read if you broke up the text in manageable blocks. With long walls of text, the words start running together, and many bees won’t bother to respond because of it.
As for your problem: Your Fiance does not respect you. Take it at face value. He has told you in many ways that he doesn’t want to be with you through actions. Why else would he cheat>? Why else would he keep responding to women that aren’t you? It’s a tough pill to swallow and I’ve been in your shoes before. That’s why I am saying it as bluntly as I am, because you need to come to the realization that his actions speak louder than words.
If he was as sorry as he said he was, he wouldn’t be acting this way, and he’d be making damn sure you knew how much he loved you, and ONLY you. He’d be transparent, he’d be going to counseling, he’d be bending over backwards for you. But he isn’t.
I hope you realize that there are better people in life who will be willing to treat you like gold. It’s just not this guy, and you don’t deserve this guy. You deserve better.
Post # 16
I am so sorry. I would leave him. He has proven again and again that he is a worthless jerk and that he breaks promises all the time. He will never change, and will never reform.