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Well, on the day that we hit 6months until the wedding.. aka yesterday! we hit our first big tragedy/crisis/huge disappointment... The little town i grew up in yet again spread a rumor that was completely untrue.. Someone told someone told someone told my "cousin" that my wedding was on August 14th. Without calling me to double check (not that she should have to plan her wedding around someone else) she planned her wedding for the same day and same time as FI and i. Not only will we have friends that may have to decide between going to my wedding and going to hers, we have family! Two of my bridesmaids and my godparents are her cousins and aunt and uncle. I am completely devastated to have to lose them or to make them choose what to go to, but she isnt going to change anything about this wedding that she started planning LAST MONTH. I have been engaged since JULY and my date has been set since JULY and i asked all of my bridal party in JULY.. but because she asked everyone YESTERDAY and sent off the order for her invitations LAST WEEK and is getting married in a popular FIELD down by the RIVER (not kidding, not trying to be chris farley funny) and lastly because it is her FIRST wedding and MY SECOND my aunt decided her wedding was more IMPORTANT than mine.
also.. i have no idea if i am replacing them or not, i feel that its hugely rude to ask someone after you've already made all your plans.. i feel like it says "hey, you werent good enough in the beginning but you are now that someone dropped out" and i would never want to say that to someone i really care about.
Umm... your cousin and your aunt sound like jerks to me. I cannot believe that someone would do that to another family member. I'm sorry. I don't really have any advice, except *HUGS*!
also would like to know what you ladies would do?
i do want to put a quick PS in there...
--i have competed for my cousin and my aunts attention with her my entire life because she is my aunts niece and i am my uncles niece.. my aunt puts her family first in all situations and will never take my side on anything. So, the rest of the family thinks she is doing this as the final straw, the final spiteful thing she can do to assure herself that she is more important --
Oh my goodness, I'm so sorry for your situation. That's terrible that someone misspoke about your date and now all this has happened. You could always elope? I have no really good suggestions but I offer a shoulder to virtually cry on.
Ugh, that is no good. Is there really no way you would consider rescheduling? What if one of you did the wedding on Saturday and the other on Friday or Sunday? That way all the OOT guests only have to come in for one weekend and its just a big celebration.
That's so awful, I can hardly imagine the heartbreak of hearing that your own family members will be split between your wedding and another. It seems like this situation could benefit from a great deal more open communication. Perhaps if you spoke directly with your cousin, in a calm and loving manner, to try to get her to understand what she has done to you? Mothers might be able to intercede here, if your mom (or dad) could have a conversation with hers. If it comes to it, perhaps you could shift the time of your wedding by a few hours in the gracious hope that people would be able to make it to both. Though of course you shouldn't have to, but it might be better to be the bigger woman in this case than to have to divide everyone.
cant elope, cant change the date, i have family flying from out of state that have all bought plane tickets and my venue will charge me an additional $500 to move it and an additional $3000 to change the time because if i dont do it between 3-5pm then they charge you to rent out the entire patio for the night as opposed to renting it for an hour
((HUGS)) I probably would one up her and have the wedding the day before her :D isn't that spiteful, but I'm just saying ;)
That totally sucks.
If I was your friend, but not your BM, I would not be offended if you asked me to step in. You went with family first, which I entirely understand, but family bailed, so now you are turning to your chosen family. I'm not a fan of the giant bridal party myself, so I wouldn't be upset at all that I wasn't initially asked.
Aww I'm so sorry! Whatever you end up doing, don't let them make you feel like your wedding is less important than hers just because it happens to be your second marriage. That's really unacceptable for anyone to have said and it's SO NOT TRUE! I don't really have any good advice but just wanted to chime in with some (((HUGS))) and support.
Wow, that is just terrible! I would be so mad if I were in your situation. That is extremely rude and very selfish of both your cousin and your aunt. I can't believe that your cousin would not even ask you to double check the date before she went ahead and booked her stuff. That is very rude. I guess if I were you I would try to talk to your cousin again and see what could be done to fix this situation. Clearly, it's going to create a problem with mutual friends and family members, not to mention your bridal party.
i've talked to her. we really only have about 15-20 overlapping guests, most of those being friends because she is my cousin's cousin... i dont know if i made that clear..
i am cousins with BM H who is cousins with Date Stealer Cousin.
she refuses to change anything about her wedding in a field. I am getting married at a very popular, very busy, very booked winery and she's getting married at a plot by the river that she didnt even have to pay to rent. so i'm hoping she can at the very least change her wedding TIME. bc that way the overlapping guests can at least make it to her reception and they wont have to be outside in the heat for hours at a time in the middle of a Missouri August
This sounds crazy. Is there another family member who can step in to mediate in this situation? Maybe a grandfather or grandmother who the adults and parents of this bratty girl will listen to? Maybe someone who can cut her out of a will if she goes ahead with her plans? (I kid, I kid..)
This is a terrible situation, and I feel just awful for you. I don't even know what to tell you, because it doesn't sound like your cousin cares one bit about your feelings or the fact that she just stole your wedding date. My only advice would be to try to get the adults to reason with her. Or try yourself. I can't believe that someone would be so heartless that they would want to cause this much family conflict, but then again... I don't know your cousin. Maybe she is that big of a brat.
that is extremely difficult and spiteful. if it were me, i'd keep moving and keep my chin up. maybe change the time if possible. this kind of stuff spreads like wildfire and i'm sure if family has to make a choice, they'll make the right one.
if i could change my time i would. she on the other hand can use that field at any time of day and can keep her party going until the wee hours of the morning. i have to be out by 10.. so if she moved her ceremony to 7, my family could be at her wedding in time for the ceremony and pictures after.
It sounds like yours will be better anyway, hey that's what I'd tell myself in this sitauation- she's getting married .... down by the RIVER! (Couldn't resist)
I would try to talk to her again. Plead your case; maybe she will have a heart and change her mind and start her wedding later. I know that when I first started planning, I was very adament that it was "my way or no way"... now that I'm a ways in, I've relaxed a lot more about making decisions. Maybe she will too. Maybe even put it in a way so that you tell her you want to try to work things out so that people don't choose to skip her wedding in favor of going to yours. It sounds like you have been able to figure out a compromise... besides, it's summertime and I can't imagine people wouldn't mind attending a later wedding, especially one that is ...."down by the river"
This stinks, I'm sorry! Hopefully all of your overlapping guests can still make a part of both weddings/receptions.
Honestly if I received an invite to your wedding already, and RSVPed already, I wouldn't cancel. Have you already sent your invites? Received RSVPs? Has your BM said she wouldn't attend your wedding?? THAT would be rude! Family is family, but etiquette is etiquette, and you don't step down for that. Also, I wonder who would PREFER to go to her wedding in a field in the heat instead of yours. It sounds like you've planned a really great celebration! I wouldn't worry too much about it. Let it be! If she wants to change, fine, if not, fine. People probably will attend one wedding and one reception. Or they'll choose. But don't let her ruin your plans! Stick with what you have. It's too expensive to change. If she wants to be inflexible, I'm sure it'll come back to bite her in the butt.
PS-If you're feeling especially vengeful, you could flood out this very popular field the night before her wedding...I know people who know people, wink wink!
lol oh my gosh! i would totally flood the field... if i was bridezilla. but i've seriously been the best bride ever (maybe) in the 6months i've been engaged... more patient, more forgiving, more thoughtful than i've ever been and this will be the one thing take a stand on. i realize she may have ordered her paper products... but i hand made all of mine months ago and that takes money too... i spend $100 on the bridesmaid i'm losing and its like nobody cares.. i bought her dress and her gift and apparently prior commitments mean nothing to my godmother.
Honestly, I would be spiteful enough to send my invites out a little earlier than norm, just so that you can get yours out before hers. That way, people will RSVP to yours and it would just be rude to cancel after that. It's kind of b*tchy, but that's what she gets for being so rude.
I don't think new wedding party members will be offended! Just tell them what happened and that you couldn't have everyone and now you want them to help out. Chances are they are already helping and now they get a title. They will be honored :)
talked to mom and FI. both vetoed the idea of changing date or time. mom for monetary reasons, FI for the fact that its "my wedding too and we chose that date and thats what i want and thats final." groomziller much?! lol
Poor girl... I feel so terrible for you. I honestly can't believe you had a bridesmaid drop your wedding for your cousins- that is in such poor taste! I think it's worth asking someone to step in if it's important to you to fill the spot- I think your friends would be understanding (at least, if it were me: I'd want to be there for my friend!). After all, it's kind of a "unique" situation that you're in.
At the end of the day, it may be that people will have to make a choice. 15-20 people isn't a TON of people, but you might end up pleasantly surprised if people end up at your wedding vs going to hers. Just concentrate on planning the best, most fun wedding that you can plan, and let the chips fall where they lie. I KNOW that it's horribly disappointing; I think once you get to your wedding day you will be surrounded by the people that love you and it will go by so fast that you won't even miss the people that aren't there :(
Actually I agree with your FI.
And I would totally be the chick to flood the field. JK, no seriously, if she's as nasty as you're writing (and so is her mom), then it won't be a hard choice as to whose wedding people should go. :)
Ugh. What is wrong with people??? I'm sorry you have to deal with this. Keep your head up and remember that YOU did nothing wrong. And karma is a b**** so this date-stealer girl better watch her back. :)
wow. just freaking wow. i dont have much advice aside from either talking to her or talking to your aunts. who does that really?!?!? or you can get your STD's out first. :)
just kidding seriously i dont know what i would do in that situation.... :(
I definitely would not change the date. If there was confusion on the date they should have called you to begin with. Just remember that those who care about you will be at your wedding!
I'm so sorry to hear you're going through this ;( Your cousin and aunt sounds like spiteful people. Try to find the bright side of it all - in her own twisted way, she's doing you a favor: now you will know who's true ...
Please don't change your wedding day and time. It's YOUR wedding and it was YOUR wedding day first. She can suck it. Don't worry about the overlapping guests (it's hard not to, but try not to) if any of them choose to not show after already confirming, then again, that shows you their true self. In a few years you'll look back at this and see that the people that attended your wedding are those you'd WANT there.
Good luck! And please try not to stress about the overlap. It's the guests that should worry, not yours -- your job is to look pretty and provide a celebration to those that can make it. Every minute you worry about this, you're letting your spiteful cousin win ... I think this is what she wants. So just smile and preoccupy yourself with the beautiful details.
HUGS!!!
I also think you should stop talking to her. I'm betting she's the kind of person that will stir up more trouble as soon as she realizes you're not bothered by this anymore. Don't allow her to manipulate you to change YOUR wedding day.
This is a very difficult situation. I say, stick with the plan. Have you wedding, as planned, at the time planned and place planned and date planned. Your guests have known about your wedding for quite sometime and will see that she is being spiteful by planning her wedding on the exact same day. She is being quite ridiculous and quite the bridezilla.
I know it's hard but try not to let to get to you, like others have said before, keep your chin up, focus on the positive (marrying your future hubby) and leave the spiteful behind (your aunt and cousin). I am still in shock that a bridesmaid of yours backed out. I agree with others, your friends will most likely be honored to step up to the plate and make your day wonderful.
Try not to get worked up, and focus on planning your wedding. Unfortunately. for your guests, they will have to make a choice, which is unfortunate. Just try to be the bigger person here and keep your chin up (and with a smile, cause your getting married to the man of your dreams, no matter what!)
i just cant believe all this has happened and that my aunt didnt think about the effect her actions is going to have on our family. and that Date Stealer didnt think to call me to make sure and now that its done that she doesnt give a shit that i've lost family over this. FI refuses to talk to my aunt or uncle and he is damned close to being that way with EXBM H
stick to the game plan.. and also.. I would toilet paper there venue.. but thats just me :D :D
Some people can make it some people cant. and as for the date stealer.. Ill let the bridezilla come out and say GO TO H*LL! Id probably feel a little better after I did that.
Sorry your in that situation. best of luck, chin up.... and dont let them knock you down!
Like PPs: stick to your date & time. Make the best of it (as you already were doing), CONCENTRATE on the love between you & FI & the support you're getting from those guests who ARE coming to your wedding, ESPECIALLY the ones that DON'T overlap. The non-overlap guests have committed to you & have other events they could go to, but they chose YOUR wedding, remember to cherish them.
I had something similar (BUT NOT SPITEFUL, like your Date Stealer) happen by accident: my first cousin & I both got engaged within a month of each other. We live in different states (only reason why we didn't hear of each other's engagements right away) & separately did our tentative planning without knowing the other was engaged. I checked with my VIPs (shared grandparents & just my parents) & then announced my wedding date. Unbeknownst to me, she checked with HER parents & set HER date...three weeks before mine. Our weddings are in different states, hers in our home state, mine where I live currently. Sadly, at present, only my grandparents are "tentatively" able to make it to my wedding. Since my weddings is "destination" for most of my family, I have to suck it up that they'll be going to hers. Thankfully, my cousin did NOT do this maliciously; it was an innocent mistake, so I can't & won't blame her. But the fact that my dad's siblings may not make it to my wedding kinda bums me out.
To combat the blues, FI & I are planning the wedding of the century (at least in our eyes) - something very "us", and very gracious to our guests. We hope the guests that come have a great time. And I hope my cousin's wedding is fantastic, too. But, of course, I'm selfishly hoping mine is better. hehehe...
I know our weddings will be two entirely different events... she's the type that buys the boxed, premade kits for everything and has that cookie cutter wedding with the jordan almonds and the princess ballgown and the tulle everywhere. and i'm the type that is doing everything handmade, as green as possible, totally unique and very intimate and suited for us. people will leave hers thinking oh, what a nice view, jesus its hot out here and people will leave mine thinking wow, kbsquared put a lot of work into this and that was a kickin time.
Oh KB! So sorry this has happened to you :( What a nightmare. I too would stick with my plan...and although it might be hard, I think you need to try and ignore the date stealer and focus on your own happiness and plans. Don't let this situation take away your joy in your own upcoming wedding!!!!
It doesn't sound like she picked the day on purpose. It sounds like, sure, she didn't call which was inconsiderate, but not like some evil sinister plot to ruin your day. You say that she doesn't have to plan her wedding around someone else but, in reality, you are really upset that she didn't call you and, essentially, plan her wedding around you. You are upset that she is not moving her plans to fit you.
She probably has feelings and her whole side of the story too. I doubt that any bride truly wants to share the day with someone else -- let alone have family have to choose. If she's not moving any of her days or times, perhaps she has a reason that is equally as valid and important as yours. Just because she isn't spending as much or doing as many handmade things as you are, or is choosing to have her wedding outside doesn't mean there might be other things going on that you know nothing about. Perhaps a little less negative emotion about everything will make it easier.
And you're not changing your day, so your wedding will be on the day you picked and it will be a wonderful celebration of your love. People who want to help you gusy celebrate will find a way to be a part of it. Instead of focusing on how bad you feel, focus on all the good things about your day.
I second CurlyDreamer. I don't think it's bad that you want her to have checked with you first. I don't think that's unreasonable. But either one of you has to change date/time, or you just have to learn to live with it. Good luck.
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