- Blog
- Bios
- Boards
- Classifieds
- DIY
- Gallery
- Vendor Reviews
- Shop Weddingbee
Weddingbee boards
For goodness sake its your wedding! You shouldn't have to babysit anyone let alone a child that requires extra care. I love kids and sorry if this sounds harsh but your FMIL has put you in an unfair situation and that is a bit rude. I think you may need to put your foot down, however it may be too late to remove her as BM since you have already said you would. I feel for the girl, really, but the last thing you should worry about is whether or not your bm has shat all over her dress as you walk down the aisle :/ Nappy or nothing I say. If she can't wear one for the duration of your wedding then she can sit in a pew with family that is ready to go change her quietly if needed.
How long ago did you let her make this decision for you? If it hasn't been too long, I would tell her that in order for it to be fair to all people with small children there will be NO children allowed, not even family. You do not want to be concerned about a kid pooing herself and freaking out on such an important day.
If you don't mind her being in your wedding, you should inform your FMIL and FSIL of these basic rules
oh my goodness.... shes 5?
Set the wedding aside for a moment - this is a SERIOUS problem.
Does she have any developmental delays? If not - she needs to be seen a psychologist - stat.
And not keeping her in a diaper just seems like denial on the part of her parents. Thats so bad for so many reasons. And no, no one other than her parents or a familiar caregiver should be in the position of toileting a 5 year old girl.
I think you have every right to say you're not comfortable with that - for many reasons, and not because its a wedding. Either she's in a diaper, or she's with her parents at all times. End of story.
Do you mean flower girl? I would definately insist that she wear some sort of pull up for the ceremony and that the mother or someone else be there to look after het. . Another option would be to have her dress the color of the sash and then have a white sash.
They have pullups that look like regular underwear that children can wear without anyone knowing what it is. Try and suggest something like this. It is not a diaper but acts like one.
I am sure they did not conceal this from you to try and ruin your day. I am sure they are thinking of the future and 20 years down the road how so and so were in their uncle's wedding. I would consider it odd if they weren;t thought of to be in there, honestly.
I think that if she is standing up in your wedding, you need to designate a family member to take care of her since as the bride, you will be fully occupied. Especially since you said you don't know how to handle a girl who is upset, I would make sure her mother is with her to help her out if she needs it. As for the nappy, I would bring up how do they plan on preventing an accident that apparently happens everyday?
@Mrsmenow: Bridesmaids in the UK are young family members
i agree with pp. it's unfortunate that this child has this issue but i would certainly be firm with your FMIL/FSIL. i personally would even consider not having her as a bm (did you agree to this a long time ago). you should not have to babysit this child, nor should any other adult in your bridal party.
it's obviously a medical condition and i feel badly but have you even considered what happens if she does have an accident during your ceremony? you say it happens every day so it's going to happen. i'm sorry, but that's going to stink...literally. please consider the comfort of your other guests. is this how everyone will remember your wedding? not the bride looked beautiful but the one where the little girl pooped her pants. it may sound a bit selfish, but why risk it? why ruin your special day.
Oh lord, it would be horrible to put that little girl in front of such a large crowd of people knowing she's having these kind of problems. Do her mom and grandma not realize how much of an embarrassing position they are putting the little girl in??? What little girl would WANT to be in front of a crowd when she's having these kind of problems. I think it's very unfair and selfish of the mom and grandma to force this girl into that position, and for the rest of her life she'll remember everyone looking at her as she soils herself. That would be traumatizing! It sounds like they don't have her best interest at heart.
@MadameTussaud: This was my first thought as well. I think you should approach your FSIL and FMIL with this angle, and say that you feel the child will be embarassed, and that you will feel embarassed as well. She is FIVE, and although she has problems that are causing this, this is something most people do not find acceptable. A newborn or 1-2 year old pooping their pants, sure. But five....it's just going to be awkward all around.
I am the mother of 2 boys one which happens to be 5 I would not be offended at all if you asked himto wear a diaper. I would probably not let him stand if he is shitting himself as a mother.
Im sure no one is going to know she has a nappy on, unless you tell someone she has one on! Im sure its aweful for this poor little girl, so I'm not sure why they would put her in the spot light like that. But if they want her in your wedding party, they should make sure they are there to change her nappy and keep and eye on her. Its not fair to you.
My cousins daughter was four when she came for a visit at my appartment, and she kept wetting herself! She just had plain underwear on, so my couch and carpet got pee all over them. Her mom would just laugh it off and say shes trying to get her potty trained, but never once too her to the bathroom. I wasnt to impressed trying to get the pee smell out of the carpet...
Thank you for clarifying this :)
@primp: She suggested this last June so maybe she thought the problem would have resolved itself by now. However it hasn't and they haven't been explicit with me since. I've seen it happen when I've been staying with the however they never said it an everyday thing.
@MadameTussaud: I actually hadn't thought about it from the angle of pressure on her. I don't want to cut her out of the wedding....years down the line I'd love for her to see that she played a role in our day. However i don't also want it to end up being remembered as the day she pooed herself at our wedding. She'd be mortified. I'm also concerned that when it's just me, her and my 2 toher (adult) BM's ready to walk down the aisle, that the stress of it all might cause her to have an accident....and then what?!
@pharmy: I'd love to have this conversation but I'm fairly sure they are going to take the approach they've taken so far....to play it down and make out all will be well.
I think the nappy (diaper!) talk will have to be had. I'm just worried about offending them. I genuinely think they don't think it's going to be a problem - however the ivory coloured dress seemed to worry them! The smell would worry me more! When i told my own mum and sister, they thought she shouldn't be a BM if this is a potential problem so i don't know ...i just don't know what 'being reasonable ' about it means :/
Yeah she told me they are currently trying to encourage her to tell them when she needs to go to the toilet....but she only does it when it's far too late. Often, she doesnt tell them at all. What worried me was she said the smell is often horrendous.
The thought of it happening during the ceremony is awful! She does have a real problem....they just don't think it's medical anymore :/
She's been to many doctors and nurses and there is nothing medically wrong with her. Her dad left when she was a baby.....perhaps that has something to do with it....the latest doctor said it's psycological and they don't have a solution! My worry is, she was potty training at 2...and it's still not working.
@ticatica: That poor girl needs psychological help!! Sounds like the FMIL and FSIL need help too! I can't believe they don't think it's a big thing that this 5 yr old is not potty trained, and will at some point soil herself at your wedding! Eek!! I'd say that although you'd love to have her as a flower girl, you just can't because she isn't potty trained!! Have your FI step in if he must. That situation is unfair to the two of you. It could end up disasterous for everyone.
what kind of parents are forcing their child to wear underwear when they are incapable of controling their bowel movements!
THAT is cruel
I think they think this is the best course of action. The only advice they have been given is to make her 'care' that she is soiling herself on purpose. FSIL is a good mum...i'm in no way trying to make out otherwise. I'm just annoyed they kept the extent of the problem from me :/
They are trying to get her help. But once they established it isn't a physical problem, they're finding it difficult to get any other type of help. My inclination is that they are embarrassed at having to deal with it :/
Just talked to FI about it and now he's annoyed with me! He also thinks it'll be fine and i'm making something of nothing. I'm not sure why his family are so happy to let it be!!
Uhhhg - maybe he just doesn't get it. First of all, a 5 year old is old enough to be embarassed. And secondly, a lot of people would be uncomfortable helping a child that age in the bathroom if they don't know her that well. Ask him if it was a 5 year old nephew of yours that he didn't know very well - what he'd think of having to clean his bottom or find his parents on the morning of your wedding!?
This is something I'd stand my ground on... if she's not wearing a diaper, you'd be fundamentally uncomfortable with her being in the wedding.
UMMMM even if she's wearing a diaper...she'll still smell like shit.
this little girl needs to go. Sorry... use your backbone and put your foot down
Sorry but your FI is wrong. It is NOT fine. That child will be embarrassed and so will every one else when she poops all over herself and the church (or whatever venue you are at). Honestly, it's irresponsible for anyone to let this little girl walk around without the proper undergarments for the situation. She must wear a diaper. I'm sure there have been young flower girls who have gone to the bathroom in their diaper in the past but it's not nearly as bad as just letting it go all over the floor. Not to mention that's extremely rude to do to the venue. You have to lay down the law with this one. What is wrong with all of them?
@mandypop: Nope he doesn't get it. I think an element of pride is involved too. I'm being a bitch about his little niece :/ I'll have another word. I just know that if i suggest a nappy to his sister or the grandma that i'll be seen as being bridezilla, making decisions about their little girl. They are going to need to know that they have to sit near the exit to take her to the toilet as soon as they need to. Much as FI and his family are great people, they are the world's bossiest too and none of them can be wrong.
@ticatica: Yeah...I was going to say that it sounds like this family is in denial about what is going on with this poor little girl. It's a lot easier for many people to deal with something like this if it's physical- the psychological aspect is probably really freaking everyone out.
To me, the fact that they balked at the idea of an ivory dress shows that they know that her pooing her pants is a definite possibility. The fact that they aren't willing to take precautions to deal with this is really baffling to me. They are basically setting this kid up for failure.
I get that they thought that this wouldn't be a problem when your FMIL put this little girl's name forward, but it obviously is. I would not back down about this because, to be quite honest, you have her interests at heart. If anything happens, that is all anyone is going to remember about your wedding/ceremony. And I'm not talking about this ruining your "special day"; I mean people are going to have a lot to say about this poor little girl and what kind of mom would put her in that kind of situation.
Here's what I'd do: I'd tell your FI, FMIL, and FSIL that you really want this little girl to be in your wedding but that you are extremely concerned that she is going to have an accident and she going to be horribly embarassed. I would say that she either wears a diaper or you don't want to put her in that situation. This isn't about you; this is about her.
I'm sorry that you're dealing with this. It sounds really difficult.
Gosh- thats really hard. I feel like they might just be in denial about her situation. Thats really tough.
If it comes down to it, I'd frame it as concern for her - at 5, she's old enough to remember this wedding forever, and if God forbid she had an accident during the ceremony, she'd be mortified, and have that memory for years and years. She'd be "the girl who peed herself at the wedding". Its not fair to put her in that position - even if she lacks the insight to realize why she should wear a diaper, thats where it is a parents responsibility to act in the best interest of their kiddo. It would be an awful stretch for them to accuse you of being a bridezilla if you apprach this as being concerned for her.
Thank you for such a considered reply. I 100% agree with you and you're right, I need to put this to them exactly as you've said.
I hope you're right but gauging FI's response I'm guessing they'll be similar. Thing is, much as I don't want the smell of sh1t wafting the room....i'll get over it if it happens. It's not her fault and I would like her to be in my pictures in her little outfit. It is more about them forcing something on me and hiding the facts from me...then again being bossy about how to deal with it that gets me. If the problem continues, she will have an accident before the day's out but is this a fight worth having with them? Would you let it go and hope for the best or would you deal with it now??
@ticatica: perhaps one angle that you can use; you are concerned about if she has an accident at the ceremony or reception, there may be extra clean up charges. tell your FSIL that she will be responsible should any charges incur so it would be wise to have her daughter in pull ups.
have you asked them how this little girl feels when she has accidents at school? she may feel the same way at the wedding?
I have four young cousins that are a part of the ceremony (11,9, 3, and almost 2). I am most closest to my cousin that is 9. I know if I left out the other three, MY family (particularly grandma) would be upset. I had already thought of this, so I asked that my grandma and aunts help be responsible for the little ones. If the little ones don't cooperate, then they do not participate in events during the wedding day.
Everyone is looking to help the bride/groom for their wedding. Here is a task for the ones wanting to help: look out for the little ones.
Good luck :0
I have four young cousins that are a part of the ceremony (11,9, 3, and almost 2). I am most closest to my cousin that is 9. I know if I left out the other three, MY family (particularly grandma) would be upset. I had already thought of this, so I asked that my grandma and aunts help be responsible for the little ones. If the little ones don't cooperate, then they do not participate in events during the wedding day.
Everyone is looking to help the bride/groom for their wedding. Here is a task for the ones wanting to help: look out for the little ones.
Good luck :)
seriously?? they TOLD you she was going to be BM and her brother would be ring bearer?? It's horrible for them to even ASK that. It's YOUR wedding, you pick the bridal party, i think you should put your foot down and say no children, period.
@ticatica: :)
I've been thinking a bit more about your situation and I'm wondering whether the doctors have told your FSIL to NOT put her daughter in pullups, etc. so that she can actually feel when she goes to the bathroom in her pants. I do know that this is a last ditch toliet-training technique.
If you do decide or are somehow forced to go through with this, I would have a backup dress for her just in case.
However, this doesn't change my advice or the fact that I don't think you should be responsible for the little girl at all day of. Her mom needs to be with her at all times.
You're being really understanding and kind about this; your inlaws should be too.
@Jacqui90: Yep, that's how it happened. No word of a lie! At the time I was so happy to be engaged I didn't give a second thought to the cost / problems that go with it. FI would not be happy to leave them out of the wedding. Plus those kids have never spent a night apart from their mother and FI 's mum and dad are like surrogate parents. They're in fact leaving our wedding early so all 3 of them can put them to bed at a reasonable hour...there's no way even if i said no that they won't be a part of the wedding :/ I think excluding them is a fight not worth having.
From what I understand, the decision not to put her in nappies is their decision. They are struggling for support from outside agencies. I'll have to have a frank conversation with them about responsibilites the day of but that;s another problem in itself...I already posted on another thred about FMIL inviting herself, FSIL, FFIL and the 2 kids to get ready with me in a small room at the venue the morning of....I also have to tell them I don't want them there for that...they're going to love me!
I have had a 5 year old with no bowel control in my classroom, who was successfully able to change her pullup and clean herself up. I think that would be my requirement for her to be a BM. She needs to wear a diaper or pull up training pant so that you aren't cleaning up the floor and she needs to be able to change herself, when necessary.
That being said, I'm glad they have been taking her to a doctor. A 5 year old with no control over their bowels is EXTREMELY rare and usually a sign of a much bigger problem.
There's no way shes capable of cleaning herself up. It's all done for her. Out of interest, what do you think could be the cause of this....attention? Even thought it's negative attention?
@ticatica: I can't give you any "real" advice, as I am not a doctor or anything, but I have had lots of kids come through my class who were not toilet trained.
Honestly, I have seen many a children come to my class in pull-ups and USUALLY it is because the parents are not strict with toilet training them. That being said, I have also met a child who had a very short intenstine, so he would eat and not be able to control his bowels. I have a relative with a small bladder so she cannot drink without being in the vacinity of a toilet.
Frankly, of the maybe 10 kids I have met aged 4-5 who aren't toilet trained, ALL of them could clean themselves up and usually you wouldn't know they were changing their pull up unless you saw them pull their extra clothes into the bathroom. Every child was capable of taking off the pull up, wiping their bottom with toilet paper, throwing away the toilet paper and pull up and putting a new one on. The fact that she cannot wipe up her mess, throw away her used pull up and put a new one on suggests that she might have a delay or her parents have just done it for her and she has never had to learn how to (I have also met lots of those kids who have never wiped their own bottom until coming to my class).
Regardless, if she is unable to control her bowels and bladder (especially bowels) at 5, and cannot clean herself up, she needs to see a doctor so they can figure out why, whether is be physical or emotional.
All that being said, I think you need to reconsider having her in your wedding unless the parent or a relative will watch her and she wears a pull up. I would NOT want to be the person wringing her dress out int he sink in my wedding dress, or accidently stepping in poop as it rolls down her leg and onto the floor. It is not worth the headache ever, let alone on your big day. I'd straight up say "pull up and caretaker or no".
Thanks for your input. Seems like she might be a little molecoddled ...she's certainly not an unintelligent little girl...quite the opposite. I'm certain it's psycological.
As a parent of a child who has chrnic constipation and encopresis (skidmarks but a little worse) I can tell you that there are specialists who handle this kind of thing. I can't see where America would be the only country who does. My son wore pullups for years because I kept having to throw out his underwear. The pullups looked like boxers so yes they can look just like regular underwear and as long as they don;t treat it like a bad thing it doesn;t have to be. I had issues with him soiling himself for years because he was afraid to poo on the potty because it might hurt. He is older now and the problem is better, but it is still not 100%. The earlier she sees a specialist the better. Contact your large hospitals for a specialist.
Thank you for your input. She's seen specialists. The problem is that they cannot find anything physically wrong with her and the last Nurse she saw was less than useless. For some reason her mum is reluctant to stop her wearing knickers :/
You must log in to post.
| Visit our sister sites | eHarmony Online Dating |
eHarmony Advice Dating Advice |
Project Wedding Wedding Songs |
JustMommies Pregnancy Calendar |
Create the honeymoon of your dreams.
| User | Posts Today |
|---|---|
| ndreighton | 5 |
| Suikerbossie | 5 |
| Miss Godiva | 3 |
| Future Mrs K | 3 |
| Rivendeler | 3 |
| janetsnakehole | 3 |
| krisanne | 2 |
| hamikay | 2 |
| aussiebee | 2 |
| PaulBabyBallerina | 2 |
Sorry, there are no users yet.
This is a really odd problem. When we got engaged FMIL insisted that her grandaughter was my BM and her grandson was our ring bearer. It's a no kids wedding and grandaughter will be 5 and grandson will be 3 at the time of the wedding. Ok, close family, I get them being there plus I love them so am happy to make one exception. I did however find it rude that I was told they would take these roles, not asked.
Yesterday I met with FMIL and FSIL (the girl's mother). They asked when I was getting her dress for her...bla bla bla when I said I was dressing her in an ivory dress with a co-ordinated coloured sash they went a little quiet. Turns out, grandaughter has never been sucessfully toilet trained. Not just that, she has some psychological issue whereby, for the last 12 months she has been sh**ting herself and p££ing herself every day. When they go out, when she's at school, when she's at home....she soils herself. Every day without fail. She's been to numerous doctors etc and nothing is working.
I realise must be hard for her mum and grandmum and it is not necessarily a reason to take her out of her role as BM but i'm annoyed for 2 reasons. One, I suggested that we put her in a nappy for the ceremony. I'll be looking after her for the hour or so before the ceremony...I don't have experience in how to even change a nappy...I don't know how to handle a little girl who's upset at having just soiled herself...but they refuse to put her in a nappy in case it makes her feel silly. Secondly, why didn't they tell me this was an issue when they put her forward as a BM....? I feel a little bit like i've been duped....I'm not looking for an out...I am looking for suggestions as to how to get around this problem....and for the mothers out there....would you consider it rude of me to insist on putting her in a nappy for a couple of hours?? You can be honest in your replies....I can take it.
Thanks you!